I feel so dirty...

[AGDPrincess70]

So I had an interesting week...I teach the saxes for my high school's marching band and we just got back from band camp last night (alright! go ahead and make the "this one time at band camp" jokes...I've heard plenty for the last couple weeks). During this week, I realized that my best friend Matt and I have mutual FEELINGS for each other, which is cool. The problem? Oh, he's 17 and I'm 21!!!

The song "here's to you Mrs. Robinson" has been stuck in my head all week...

I don't know if I should act on this or not. Are 4 years really that big of a deal? I'm really confused right now. Any thoughts?

[James]

Mrs. Robinson was quite a bit older. . .


Uh look. Let me say this gently ok . . . and don't get offended . . .

[xo_sue]

To act or not to act...

Man, I am pondering... my first thought was- "legal" - 17 is not an adult so if he has an over protective mom and she finds out... will she throw a fit? Don't laugh... some moms are crazed about their baby boys! (I married a man whose mom is still attached to his hip!)

I would just be careful if I were you- I have dated guys younger and they were extremely jealous and possessive. You date him and he is not going to let you go.

It is just so hard because you are 21- you can go to clubs; with this new man... the laminated plastic on his driver's license has not even cooled off yet.

BUT... like I said- I have dated younger men too-and lets face it girls... all men are like little boys that need us to take care of them...whether they are 16 or 60! he he he- sorry guys!

[Hootie]

DON'T DO IT!
There are so many more fish out in the sea your age and older! It has been my experience that younger men are immature and for the long run it doesn't work. Plus I'd rather remain friends then ruin it with some short termed dating experience.

Hootie

From one sister to another...

I won't tell you not to do it because you really can't control how you feel.

BUT--everyone here has made some good points. 21 and 17 are at completely opposite stages in life. Granted, there are only 4 years in age difference, but it's a really big difference when it comes to maturity.

That being said, let me give you an example: [and I can't believe I'm saying this, but it has to be said]

Timmy and I have known each other since I was 3 and he was about 1. Our mothers have been friends for 20+ years. He and I grew up together, we attended each others' parties, graduations, you name it. I used to cheer him on at his Pop Warner, HS, and now college football games [if he can stop getting injured--I'd like to do that some time this season]. He graduated from the neighboring boys' school down the road in 2000. I graduated in 1997, but he has a late 1981 birthday so that only makes us 2 years and a few months apart.

I always saw him as a little bro until this summer. Though our families had always been close, I never got a chance to REALLY get to know him till this summer. We spent the whole night talking until the sun came up. It was crazy.

Since then things have been different. I grew more attached to him even though I know I shouldn't. Then the maturity thing kicked in--I'm on my way out of college...he's just getting in. I'm really concerned with my career and all he cares about is his football. I'd like to include him when my friends and I go out, but it's not possible...until he turns 21 this October anyway.

We find ourselves constantly bickering about the stupidest things and sometimes I regret ever pursuing something more than friendship. I know he'll always be there as a good friend, but sometimes I feel like we've taken such a big risk...what if he isn't going to be there?

Just something to think about in your situation. PM me if you want to talk about it more. That's what sisters are for!

I'd have to agree with the rest of the postings on here. there's a huge difference between 17 and 21: In terms of the things that interest you, the things you look for in a relationship, etc. etc.

However. I've always liked womyn older than me, when I was 17 I always tried to pick up chicks in their 20's. I dunno how they fealt about it but I had some o' the best times o' my life, it worked out pretty well; for the short term at least. Because at 17 there's a lot of things you gotta learn. However you gotta learn them sometime, an' with someone.

So I guess it's not a bad thing, or an uncomon thing. follow your heart

[Jeff OTMG]

The years difference is not that great, but it does depend on what each of you want out of a relationship. Everyone seems to assume that you are looking for a permanent or long term relationship, but that may not be the case. If you are just wanting to get physical for awhile I am sure that a 17 year old could easily fit your needs and you could probably mold him into what you want. If you are into the long term thing, then it probably wouldn't be a good idea, because his personality is going to change a great deal in the next 6 years.

One thing that you will need to consider is your professional relationship. This was not completely clear in your post. If your are an educator employed by a school system and he is a student of that system, you could be is serious legal trouble because this type of teacher/student relationship is probably not permitted by the school district. In fact it may be illegal, in which case you need to distance yourself from the student as much as possible.

[justamom]

Gotta go with the flow on this one. Every point made is valid.

Once he hits his 20s, it would be another story, but for now, let him grow into himself. There's still a lot of kid inside of him. From YOUR perspective, he probably couldn't/wouldn't give you what you need or want in a relationship. Not a blanket statement, but I've played Mom to a lot of boys...

edited
Jeff-you brought up some EXCELLENT points!

[KappaKittyCat]

I'm just going to add my 2 cents, speaking as a music teacher myself: DON'T DO IT! Even if you're not officially employed by the school, even if you are a recent alumna, even if you're best friends, even if... even if anything, don't do it. It is horridly inappropriate. Once he graduates and you no longer have that connection, then if you still want to, then you can go for it (if you feel you must-- after several bad experiences I avoid younger guys at all costs). I don't know what your position is, but I've seen people get kicked out of the music ed program at my school for less. Teacher/student... bad news.

[Kevin]

When I was 16 I saw a girl for awhile who was 21... When I was 19 I dated a girl that was 16...

All I can say is that there are HUGE differences in where people are at that time in their life and what they want in a relationship...

I can see it in retrospect from both sides.. Not to say it wasn't fun.. Because it was! And as for that statutory thing in some states the age of consent is different... Here in Oklahoma it's 16.

-- not that I would even consider dating someone that much younger than me now... Once was enough to teach me a lesson

[James]

You girls . . .

Go for it and have fun! If you have a good time with the guy for a day, a week, a month, a year or whatever that is a period of time that your life was enriched by someone's prescence.

I'll tell you all a secret: almost all your relationships will fail.

There, the cat's out of the bag now.

Also, it would be a gift for most people if their final long term relationship would break-up. How many people do we all know that are unhappy? Or in stale relationship? A living death?

Even for people that eliminate others for arbitrary reasons, age, education, income etc . . . the relationships they hold out for fail also.

Good.

How does this apply here?

Hindsight is 20/20 and stupid.

Future sight is almost blind and stupid.

So you never know going into a relationship how its going to work out. NEVER. Although you do know that it probably won't work.

You rarely know coming out of a relationship what went wrong. We block it. Or we don't know how to judge it.

So we blame the easy stuff. It didn't work out because one was smarter, or better educated, difference in wage earning, age, maturity blah blah blah.

So AGDPrincess70, if you do it and it doesn't work out you will say the age difference was a mistake, it was a bad call. That might not be the reason but it will jump out at you.

Great and if he were the same age or older and things didn't work out you might just say he was immature . . . for the same behavioral patterns.

But you will never know unless you try sincerely.

So go for it ! Have fun! Enjoy!

[valkyrie]

If you're ever considering "relations" with someone under 18 and you are over, make sure you KNOW what the law in your state is. It is very important to BE CAREFUL because you could end up in jail AND having to register as a sex offender. I've seen it happen to my clients, and believe me, it's not worth it.

That said, as long as you aren't breaking the law or doing anything unethical (i.e., teacher/student) I don't think age differences are a big deal.

[FuzzieAlum]

Just because almost every relationship will fail doesn't mean you should date whoever the heck ever. There is such a thing as a likelyhood of failure ... and not just failure ... there is the question of how much I will enjoy it while it's still going.

I mean, geez, I could date a serial rapist who escaped from prison and does a lot of heroin. Or I could date a "normal" guy who I find unattractive, unintelligent and boring. Or I could date I guy I think is cute, smart and funny. I don't think even James would tell me it doesn't matter which one I date because they are all going to fail anyway!

It's true, at 21 and at 17, well, either one of you is unlikely to end up in a long-term relationship. (Not that it doesn't happen.) I don't think you shouldn't date this guy just because of those odds, unless you are really wanting to get married ASAP. What I question is, how happy will you be together NOW?

The older you get the less difference age makes. If a 94-year-old woman won't date a "too young" 90-year-old man, I would have to laugh. That doesn't mean it's OK for a 16-year-old and a 12-year-old to date.

You are at very different places in your life. You're almost out of college and I bet he isn't even starting yet. You can go to bars. He can't even buy cigarettes or lottery tickets. He can't legally sign a contract. You have experienced life at least somewhat on your own, whereas he still has a curfew.

You both share a love of music presumably, but what else will there be for you to talk about? What will his parents think? Can you really see yourself hanging our with his high school friends? I can't imagine that other than a physical attraction (and how good a kisser can he be at 17?) and band you will have anything in common.

That doesn't make dating him illegal or immoral, but I do think it means even a brief relationship won't be very fulfilling. For that reason I think you're better off not dating him. You say he is your friend, and this could be a disasterous way to end a friendship. On the other hand, if you still feel the same way about him in a few years, then go ahead and act on your feelings.

[bubblevicious]

Aight girl, I just wanted to offere u a few friendly words. I totally respect how you feel but keep this in mind: You are a woman and he has not even reached adult-hood yet. The two of you probably have a totally different frame of mind on the whole relationship aspect. Think about it this way: Say you do act... then what next? Do you plan a seriously commitment with this high school student? He still has a few years left of high school where as you've probably graduated from college. You were once in HS so think about high school relationships... chances are he still wants to have fun and freedom to experience different girls until he finds where he is most comfortable, just like many of us did. Perhaps that's even all you want to do is have fun. Or maybe its possible in his case that he's ready to mature and knows where he is comfortable, but seriously how common is that in a 17 year old male? Think about it baby-girl. Unless you are making marriage a factor at your age, what you are looking for in a relationship is probably something completely different than what he is looking for. I am not going to tell you whether you should go for it or not, only offer advice and things to consider in your situation. As far as the 17-yr-old guy goes, I will not judge him because he probably is a great guy if you are best friends and interested in eachother, but I will remind you that there are PLENTY of MEN your age that will satisfy you, believe me! You seem like a smart girl so don't ever sell your self for less! Now here comes the "If I were you" part... I would just straight up be honest with him. Since you two have obviously talked and established your feelings for eachother, establish where a relationship with you two would stand. And then from there, make your own decision! Don't let us tell you what to do.. only you know what you want. I hope all of our advice has helped! It sounds like everyone really cares and is really trying to help you out.

[Optimist Prime]

Is he a libra? You should do it if he is a libra.