Men and Committment

[Honeykiss1974]

NEW YORK (Reuters) -- It's official. Men really are afraid of commitment.

Confirming what women have long known, an American study released on Wednesday shows men are dragging their feet on getting married.

Researchers say one of the biggest reasons that men are delaying marriage is that more and more couples are choosing to live together before marriage. As a result, sex -- traditionally one of the main reasons for men to marry -- is relatively easily available, they say.

"In a sense, with cohabitation he gets a quasi-wife without having to commit," said David Popenoe, co-director of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University in New Jersey.

"Another big thing in addition to cohabitation is that these men are very, very concerned about divorce. It's not getting your heart broken ... the worst thing that could happen is that somebody could take their money," Popenoe adds.

The preliminary findings report on the attitudes toward marriage of 60 unmarried, heterosexual men, between the ages of 25-33. The participants, from different religious, ethnic and family backgrounds, were from four major metropolitan areas in northern New Jersey, Chicago, Houston, and Washington, D.C.

Researchers say both men and women are putting off getting married. The average age for men's first marriage is now 27, the oldest in history, the study shows. That compares to the average age of 23 in 1960, Popenoe said.

For women, the average age of their first marriage has risen to 25, a full five years older than the 1960 average.

And giving women even more reason to be impatient that their boyfriends are dragging their feet, researchers say the trend favors the men.

"Guys can afford to wait to marry. The older they get, the better their chances in some ways of getting married, while for women it's the reverse," Popenoe said.

"Once a woman gets into her 30s, it's more likely that she will have to marry a man who was married earlier. It's more likely that she will marry a man who brings kids (into the marriage) and more likely that she will have a child by herself," Popenoe says.

Copyright 2002 Reuters. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

[TLAW]

It took an in-depth study to confirm what we know via basic common sense?

[librasoul22]

Well I am wearing my flame-retardant suit, so here I go...

I, for one, am tired of everyone blaming men for being scared to committ. I am a woman and I HATE the idea of committment. I know several other women who feel the same way. So what does that prove? NOTHING! Just because 60 of the men they picked out are afraid of committment, it doesn't mean they all are. I think that most of us operate on the stereotype of men being "players," and not ready to settle down.

Both sexes have issues with comittment, if you ask me. It doesn't fall more on one than the other. But we have been socialized to think that men are more susceptible to fear of committment. I just don't think it is true.

Sigh...let the flaming begin, lol!

[Ideal08]

I feel you librasoul... I no longer have a desire to commit, either. Nothing is like I thought it would be, so I guess I need to get my head out of the clouds, and just sit and wait on it. The article doesn't surprise me, like you said TLAW, common sense.

[TLAW]

LOL @ Libra

[TLAW]

Now, c'mon, you know y'all sound a little pessimistic now...

[straightBOS]

I promise not to flame

But the report did say the findings were preliminary, so further research may prove otherwise or it may confirm the results. So we must remember that this report never assumes that its findings are set in stone.

But, the facts behind what happens to men and women who wait longer to commit to marriage are indeed completely accurate. No matter what concepts or ideas we may hold about the sexes- valid or not, women who wait longer to marry are at a greater risk of being alone forever.

Now, I'm just a youngin' so I'm not looking to commit or build a nest, etc. so the results don't affect me or my dating habits. And, it will probably not affect the dating habits of most people. But, when it does start to matter (when those clocks start ticking), then the results may become more relevant. It's more about lifelong trends in relationships rather than who is shacking up with whom.

[TLAW]

Would you ladies say that this trend is accurate for black men?

[librasoul22]

Originally posted by TLAW
Would you ladies say that this trend is accurate for black men?

Black men have SO many more things to worry about than commitment!! Not to say that any one thing takes precedence, but I, personally, would rather worry about how I am going to get an education, land a job, and try not to get shot down in the street by the cops BEFORE I even try to fix my mind to think about commitment.

[librasoul22]

Originally posted by TLAW
Now, c'mon, you know y'all sound a little pessimistic now...

Hey, man...can't really speak for anyone but myself...but from my personal experiences, committing isn't all it is cracked up to be. Mind you, I am not saying that it will never be. But right now, I am quite content to not have any strings attached.

[Ideal08]

Originally posted by TLAW
Now, c'mon, you know y'all sound a little pessimistic now...

more like discouraged. I don't know... talking to male friends, seeing how some of yall's minds work... it's discouraging. And then add to that personal experiences? Please. I'm hardly a pessimist. IDEALism is great, you know I think so, lol, but things are just not cool right now, lol.

[strawberry_02]

Well I also am not very optimistic about finding a man who wants to committ. All of my friends are married and have families and I can't seem to find a decent man. I know that is partly because I am too picky for my own good. But now I also feel that I am not ready to committ.I am trying to do my thang. Having only really cared about 1 person and being with him for 4 yrs and him trying to do me very dirty...I ain't committing to jack!!! Okay I had to vent a little.Some brothas know they wrong!

But its all good. I am having fun doing my thang

[TLAW]

Well, being picky is not necessarily bad.

[ClassyLady]

Originally posted by TLAW
Well, being picky is not necessarily bad.

You ain't nevah, evah, evah lied!!!!

I always say hold out for what you really want because when you settle, you'll just end up wasting time and realizing that you should have held out for Mr. Right instead of Mr. He'll Do.

[Ideal08]

Originally posted by strawberry_02
Having only really cared about 1 person and being with him for 4 yrs and him trying to do me very dirty...I ain't committing to jack!!! Okay I had to vent a little.Some brothas know they wrong!

But its all good. I am having fun doing my thang

Girl, girl, girl.... girl. Girl. You know, the whole thing makes me think of that Jay-Z song, Song Cry.

A face of stone, was shocked on the other end of the phone
Word back home is that you had a special friend
So what was oh so special then?
You have given away without gettin at me
That's your fault, how many times you forgiven me?
How was I to know that you was plain sick of me?
I know the way a n***a livin was whack
But you don't get a n***a back like that!
Sh*t I'm a man with pride, you don't do sh*t like that
You don't just pick up and leave and leave me sick like that
You don't throw away what we had, just like that
I was just f****n them girls, I was gon' get right back
They say you can't turn a bad girl good
But once a good girl's goin bad, she's gone forever..
And more forever
Sh*t I gotta live with the fact I did you wrong forever

Live wit' it, playa. Shoulda thought about that!!!

I figured I'd vent, too, lol. I ain't bitter, though.