Need a laugh?

the411 · #1 03-11-2002, 01:59 PM

This is the funniest s**t I've ever seen in my life! If you are easily offended, don't look!

Honeykiss1974 · #2 03-11-2002, 02:43 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by the411
Okay, it's pretty obvious by my "I Hate Haters" post that I haven't been in a good mood--that is, until I saw this picture. (If anyone finds this offensive , please let me know and I'll delete it.)

http://members.aol.com/johnk0/godkills.jpg

OK, why does the kitten in the bottom left pic look sadder than a mutha

That pic alone cracks me up!

the411 · #3 03-11-2002, 03:00 PM

Yes! The one in the corner is definitely pulling at my heart strings!

This s**t is so funny I had to put it on my monitor as a wallpaper.

DoggyStyle82 · #4 03-11-2002, 04:19 PM

Save the Kittens, Sex a Que Dog

the411 · #5 03-12-2002, 12:20 AM

I finally figured out why rabbits LOVE carrots so much!
Click here for the secret:

http://lajune.net/mycustompage0019.htm

the411 · #6 03-12-2002, 08:07 PM

A little boy walks into his parents room and sees his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.

The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has just seen.

She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The little boy sees his mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?"

The mom replies, "Well, you know your dad has a BIG tummy, so sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the little boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom-- puzzled by his comment.

"Well," he started, "when you go shopping, the lady next door comes over, gets on her knees, and blows it right back up!"

the411 · #7 03-12-2002, 08:28 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by DoggyStyle82
Save the Kittens, Sex a Que Dog

No thanks! I'm celibate!

SeriousSigma22 · #8 03-14-2002, 07:22 PM

Fellow Greeks,

Thank you 411 for the God Kills a Kitten picture! I'm dying from laughter!

Serioussigma22

the411 · #9 05-03-2002, 04:35 PM

TO ALL MY SISTERS WHO PLAN TO WEAR SHOES LIKE THESE THIS SUMMER...

...do us all a favor by making this pledge:

As a member of the Cute Girl Sisterhood, I (state your name), pledge to follow these Rules when I wear sandals and other open-toe shoes:

I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs.

And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.

I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe. I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow.

I will shave the hairs off my big toe.

I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there.

If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back into place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it.

I will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean on my good friend Dr. Scholl's if my feet need him.

I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids' sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of others. No one can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall and break my ankle.

I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages.

If I have been privy to the magic that is Foot Soup, I will share that knowledge and experience with the non-initiated.

I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. After all, someone has to tell her that her toes are as long as my fingers and no sandal makes creepy feet look good.

This, I promise, for my sake and for the sake of all men and women with a healthy eye-sight.

Koss28 · #10 05-03-2002, 06:58 PM

Hahaha, that was off the chain. I'm going to keep that and pass it around. Thanks, I really needed something to laugh at today.

the411 · #11 07-08-2002, 04:03 PM

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two
extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between
Adam and Eve. He told them that one of the things he had left was a
thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that.

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, give that too me! I'd
love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please, Please, Pleeeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little boy.

So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly
he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee
while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a
tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well,
here's the other thing and I guess you can have it." What's it called?" Eve asked. "A brain", said God.

the411 · #12 07-12-2002, 09:44 AM

Classes for Men

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF
THEIR CONTENTS, EACH COURSE WILL ACCEPT A MAXIMUM OF 8
PARTICIPANTS.

Topic 1
HOW TO FILL THE ICE CUBE TRAYS. STEP BY STEP, WITH
SLIDE PRESENTATION.

Topic 2
THE TOILET PAPER ROLL: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
ROUND TABLE DISCUSSION.

Topic 3
IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE OF
LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND
NEARBY BATHTUB? GROUP PRACTICE.

Topic 4
FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER AND
THE FLOOR. PICTURES AND EXPLANATORY GRAPHICS.

Topic 5
THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: CAN THEY
LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK? EXAMPLES ON
VIDEO.

Topic 6
LOSS OF IDENTITY: LOSING THE REMOTE TO YOUR
SIGNIFICANT OTHER. HELPLINE SUPPORT AND SUPPORT
GROUPS.

Topic 7
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN
THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE
DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. OPEN FORUM.

Topic 8
HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO
YOUR HEALTH. GRAPHICS AND AUDIO TAPE.

Topic 9
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST. REAL LIFE
TESTIMONIALS.

Topic 10
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE
PARALLEL PARKS? DRIVING SIMULATION.

Topic 11
LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MOTHER AND
WIFE. ONLINE CLASS AND ROLE PLAYING.

Topic 12
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION. RELAXATION
EXERCISES, MEDITATION AND BREATHING TECHNIQUES.

Topic 13
HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY: REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS,
ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN
YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE. CEREBRAL SHOCK THERAPY
SESSIONS AND FULL LOBOTOMIES OFFERED.

*UPON COMPLETION OF THE COURSE DIPLOMAS WILL BE ISSUED
TO THE SURVIVORS.

the411 · #13 08-19-2002, 01:37 PM

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a
doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of
money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore on the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a
lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Joe hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

DELTAQTE · #14 09-02-2002, 03:40 AM

how do smurfs have sex?

They SMUCK!

QTE

AppearanceOfGod · #15 09-02-2002, 09:58 PM

Laffin in between yawns... I don't get off of work until 11 tonight and this forum has really given me my laff for the day.....Thaaaaaaaaaaanks