Hypothetical relationship scenario

KarenC725 · #1 02-11-2002, 02:23 PM

View this as a (long) hypothetical and be a shrink for a day!

Say two people have been dating a while. During the course of the relationship, it has progressed and the future has been discussed. The boy in the relationship (from here on out to be known as Bart) has always been the one to bring it up. Bart discusses things like their wedding song, what to name children etc. Over the summer Bart throws out getting a house together. Bart and Sydney even look, but circumstances put it off. Bart buys Sydney gold and diamonds for her birthday. During the fall, Bart (in the middle of a fight from my understanding) tells Sydney that he doesn't see them having a future past like 10 years but that he still loves her and wants to be together. Sydney is weak and stays with him. (Sidebar: Bart's actions DO NOT back up his words). For Christmas Bart gets Sydney gold and diamonds again.

Now, since the argument in the fall, there has been no talk about futures. What do you think is going on in Bart's head and what should Sydney do? He shows that he loves her, he says that he loves her, her actions show him the same thing.

h2oot · #2 02-11-2002, 02:46 PM

I'd temper the talk about the future based on Bart's current circumstances. If he is still in school, then the future is "out there" somewhere, but if he's graduated and has his career underway, then the future is much more immediate and talks about it are more relevant.

Since he metioned getting a house together I assume you two are working and possibly even living together. Lots of guys struggle with being tied down, grass is greener, fear of forever, etc. It seems like he loves you, but is content with how things are. Many couples living together go through this , especially if you are in your twenties. I've heard that from age 21 to 30 you both change a lot and I presume as you change your feelings about marriage change, too.

For myself, I don't plan to live with a guy until after I'm married. I don't want to be in a situation where the guy is on cruise-control about the relationship, while I'm mentally trying on the big dress. If I am ready to commit to live with a guy, then I'm ready to make the big committment as well. AND, if I can commit so can he, otherwise I'd rather keep things at a level we both understand.

valkyrie · #3 02-11-2002, 03:17 PM

I think that all signs indicate that the relationship is coming to an end.

First, Bart has stopped talking about the future, and has even said that the relationship will not last for all that far into the future. This indicates a change in his behavior, even though he may still act the same -- it is not the same. He is no longer thinking long-term. Actually, maybe he never really was thinking long-term, but he was just talking about the future because he thought that was what he was supposed to do. You say that Bart used to discuss the future, and my question is -- how did Sydney respond? Was she willing to discuss the future, or did she just blow it off, and maybe if she did, Bart got the impression that she wasn't interested in a future with him. Buying someone diamonds and gold says nothing about anything -- all it says is that he can afford to buy someone diamonds and gold. I don't think it means anything more than that, and does not mean that there will be a future to the relationship.

You say that Sydney is weak and stays with him, so it sounds like she's not really happy. At this point, it seems like the two of them are together more for convenience -- do they even really love each other -- are they even really in love? It doesn't sound like it -- it sounds like the relationship is wasting away, and any number of gifts won't stop that. Maybe Bart's projection of 10 years doesn't really mean 10 years -- maybe it means "I'll stick with you until I find someone better, but anyway this relationship isn't permanent."

Here's what I think -- I think that Sydney should, if she is interested in staying in the relationship, sit down with Bart and say something like, Dude, what in the hell is up with us? Where are we going and what are we doing? If they can't have that conversation, or if they don't want to have it, or if he sticks with his 10-year projection and she wants more than that, it's time to say goodbye and get the hell out, now. Either things need to get better or it needs to end -- there's no sense sticking it out as things slowly get worse and Bart and Sydney grow apart and come to resent each other.

But that's just what I'm thinking. Life is too short to stick around in relationships that aren't giving us what we want.

KarenC725 · #4 02-11-2002, 03:23 PM

From what Sydney has said, she was responsive to the future talk. Though they haven't had an actual talk about the future, there have been comments made by both of them.

As for Bart's situation, he just finished school (he's 25 and worked full time while taking classes at night).

valkyrie · #5 02-11-2002, 03:39 PM

Hmmm...the first thing I thought when I read that Bart just finished school -- okay, now he's done with school and has more time and wants to get out and play the field. I could be wrong, of course, but that's my first thought.

KarenC725 · #6 02-11-2002, 03:57 PM

Bart isn't that type of guy. He's very "girlfriend" oriented. Doesn't like to date around. Trust and friendship are very important to him. He and Sydney were friends for 3 years before they started dating.

They both have had long-term relationships before.

Hootie · #7 02-11-2002, 08:16 PM

Perhaps I'm one of those types who is always leery of getting hurt, but to me it sounds like some crappy excuse. People change and the relationship may have changed without her knowing it would. Especially after all the "future" talk.
I happen to agree with almost everyone. Sit down and really talk things out. If he will only committ in his head and even words to TEN YEARS then that's telling you something. SYDNEY DESERVES MUCH MUCH MORE THAN THAT!
If in fact this is the end then it's best to know now. And if Sydney throws this on the table, perhaps Bart's love for her will change his mind. Then again, it might not.

Hootie

LexiKD · #8 02-11-2002, 08:23 PM

It is over. He is either scared or wants the benifit of a relationship without the strings.

I too don't think I would live with someone I would consider marring...that is for me, many of my friends have and it's great for them but I don't want to live with my future husband, I want that to be new and fun. He maybe needs some time away?

Life is too short to stay with undecisive men.

justamom · #9 02-12-2002, 10:57 AM

I agree with what the concensus...time to move on. I think the "10 years" statement is trying to discourage your friend
in a gentle way.

I don't think the following scenario applies to Sydney, I just remembered this happening to my dear friend since reading your post. He was a Senior in college, she was a Freshman...so that alone makes a big difference.

Boyfriend was from River Oaks in Houston. Lots and LOTS of money and family connections. Yes, he loved her (as much as he would allow himself to) but in his mind, she really didn't fit in with his vision of the future. So, they dated and shared a very physical relationship, but he began dating behind her back. The talks began to focus on HIS future and somehow, she never was included in the picture. One day he announced they had grown apart. Shortly after that he married another with the "right" credentials.
Pretty much like "Pretty In Pink" without the happy ending.