I am starting to feel so jaded about "sisterhood."

[superbity]

EDIT: Okay frankly I'm a little bit embarrassed about this post. I've been EXTREMELY stressed out the past few days over finals this week, as well as some family issues going on on the side, and I think I really let it get the best of me and cloud my judgment. But thank you so much to the three lovely ladies who took the time to reason with me

[Missouri Ivy]

As some who is a little more introverted, I feel for you. I was also a Spring COB, and that first semester, there were times I felt like the only people I connected with were my few spring pledge sisters. It really wasn't until work week the next fall that I really felt that bond with the whole chapter. It can take time.
It may be possible that some girls who read your post thought to themselves, "Gee, she could stay with me if I wasn't going home during interim break," and didn't respond because they knew they weren't going to be around. Others maybe saw it and are procrastinators, like me. (Oh, I need to give her a call and let her know I've got a futon...)
It's a stressful time of year, and it's easy to misread people and their motives. I hope finals go well, and fall semester brings a better feeling for you.

[adpiucf]

Surely you had friends before you COB'd. Why don't you see if you can stay with one of them. A "sister" is not an automatic friend; you share membership in an organization together. I wouldn't be comfortable inviting someone I barely know to live with me, would you? Reach out to individual people and ask them directly if you can stay with them instead of relying on blanket Facebook messages.

I'm sorry you've had a tough time making friends in the chapter. Continue to call people and initiate conversations. Take on a little sis and/or a leadershp position. Keep trying. It takes work and effort.

[superbity]

I do have friends from before I COBed, but none of them are staying over the summer so I can't stay with them.

When I joined a sorority I knew that I wasn't going to be instant best friends with everyone. I knew that I would have to work at it like any other friendship. But one thing I thought I could count on was them helping me out when I needed it. Honestly like I said, if a girl in my sorority asked me if she could stay with me for 3 nights, and she couldn't find anywhere else to stay, I would let her even if I didn't know her that well. Maybe I'm just too naive or sentimental.

I'm not trying to offend anyone when I say this, but it's just what I feel: if girls aren't willing to help out another member by letting her stay with them for only 2 days/3 nights, and she's basically desperately begging and pleading, then how is that a sisterhood? How is it anything more than just one big group made up of a bunch of small cliques, throwing around the words love and sisterhood while they won't even step in when someone really needs it? People always say, when you join a sorority you're not instant-friends. You still have to make friends. So what makes a sorority so special and so sacred? I thought part of the reason was that even if you don't know a sister very well, and even if there's 80 other girls in your pledge class (like there is in mine) so you don't really hang out with her, you still have that connection with her and you still care about her. But I think now I'm wrong, and I just can't really see what's sacred about my sorority and about our "sisterhood."

I'm sorry if that offends someone or if I sound bitter. I'm not bitter, I'm just confused and honestly sad. I know I'm not really friends with many girls in the house, and I understand that I can't just expect them to automatically be my best friend. But I still thought I could count on them for something, because I know that when it came down to it, I would be there for them. And now I'm almost considering renting a hotel room for several hundred dollars, or even sleeping in my car for 3 nights.

[TEAtime]

Originally Posted by superbity

So I'm a shy person. Not completely timid, but it takes me a while to feel comfortable around people and open up and just be myself. The only girls I really feel like I can be myself around in this house are my big and my current roommate. Whenever I try to open and and hang out with other girls in the chapter, I get brushed off IMMEDIATELY. Like if they're laughing about something in the kitchen, and I go and try to join in they kind of shut-down. They're still polite, but it's like they obviously don't really want me there.

I don't know what I did to deserve this. Yeah I'm kind of shy but I haven't even been given a CHANCE to get to know them and open up and be myself because they just dismiss me. I'm a sophomore, and like I said I only really am close to two girls in the house. I joined last spring as a COB, and I remember trying hard to open up and get to know girls, but it's like when they saw I was a little shy they just dismissed me and moved on to the louder, funnier COBs.

Today is the Saturday before finals week at my school. The sorority house closes on Friday at 6 PM, but for reasons I won't go into I'm not able to leave town until Monday morning. So I posted on our sorority facebook page essentially begging someone who's staying over the summer to let me stay with them for 3 nights, saying "I know it's such a huge favor so I would be eternally grateful, and you won't even know I'm there because I have my car and places to go." NO response. It's a really active Facebook group. About ten minutes after I posted, another girl posted saying "like this post if you're staying over the summer! so we know who's in town and we can hang out!" Immediately, like 30 girls liked it.

Then last night I started individually messaging people that I had heard were staying in town, asking them really nicely if they would be willing to let me stay with them. 1/2 the girls I ask are actually going home for a few weeks after the semester. The other half are ignoring my message. I can see they saw it, it says "seen at __:__."

I'm honestly just feeling so jaded about this whole sorority thing. If a girl in the chapter asked me if she could stay with me for a few days, I would say yes even if it was a girl I didn't know that well. Even if I didn't know her well and we weren't similar people, I would try to help her because she's my sister. And I definitely wouldn't ignore her message, knowing she could see that I saw it. I don't know why I'm posting this here, I guess I'm just feeling really upset and needed somewhere to let it out..

As an introvert, I understand exactly where you're coming from. But, as an introvert, there are also lots of things you've got to learn about social interactions. We're only getting your persective here, which is to be expected, but try to see things as your sisters may be experiencing the situation.

From what you posted, it's not obvious that they're dismissing you (although that's how it feels to you). It's not unusual for people to stop laughing or talking about a joke when someone not involved comes around; that doesn't mean they don't want you there.

No one's going to give you a chance; if you want something, go out and get it. I don't know what you plan to do after college, but it sounds like you're in the right place to learn how to build relationships and negotiate uncomfortable situations. Those are invaluable skills for surviving in the work force.

I wouldn't have responded to your message on FB. I might have even been offended that we've lived in the same space all this time, you haven't gotten to know me, and now you want to come stay with me for a few days (but you can't ask me to my face?). You're upset and that's valid. You had an expectation of what sisterhood would look like (couch sharing), but maybe your sisters have other expectations (forming bonds?).

Try not to get too jaded. This situation is more about navigating social situations than it is about sororities, IMNSHO. Have you talked to your big about how you're feeling?

Good luck with finals! Exchange numbers with some of your sisters and keep in touch over the summer. Add Quiet or other books about introversion (with a focus on women) to your summer reading list. Come back in August ready to hit the ground running.

[superbity]

Originally Posted by TEAtime

As an introvert, I understand exactly where you're coming from. But, as an introvert, there are also lots of things you've got to learn about social interactions. We're only getting your persective here, which is to be expected, but try to see things as your sisters may be experiencing the situation.

From what you posted, it's not obvious that they're dismissing you (although that's how it feels to you). It's not unusual for people to stop laughing or talking about a joke when someone not involved comes around; that doesn't mean they don't want you there.

No one's going to give you a chance; if you want something, go out and get it. I don't know what you plan to do after college, but it sounds like you're in the right place to learn how to build relationships and negotiate uncomfortable situations. Those are invaluable skills for surviving in the work force.

I wouldn't have responded to your message on FB. I might have even been offended that we've lived in the same space all this time, you haven't gotten to know me, and now you want to come stay with me for a few days (but you can't ask me to my face?). You're upset and that's valid. You had an expectation of what sisterhood would look like (couch sharing), but maybe your sisters have other expectations (forming bonds?).

Try not to get too jaded. This situation is more about navigating social situations than it is about sororities, IMNSHO. Have you talked to your big about how you're feeling?

Good luck with finals! Exchange numbers with some of your sisters and keep in touch over the summer. Add Quiet or other books about introversion (with a focus on women) to your summer reading list. Come back in August ready to hit the ground running.

Thank you for your reply, it really made me think. One thing though is that my expectations of a sorority really AREN'T couch-sharing. I do want to form bonds. It's just that meanwhile I found myself in this situation, where I could find virtually nobody else to help me, and literally my last resort was asking girls in my sorority who I admittedly don't know very well.

I just honestly assumed they would understand that it wasn't that I was deliberately using them, I thought they would see that I literally had no other options and was completely desperate. When you point it out like that I can see how different people could interpret it badly. And I just am so used to Facebook messaging and texting that I don't really think about whether or not it's appropriate. Do you think I should say something to the girls? Because now that you've pointed it out I'm starting to feel really awful and I don't want things to be awkward.

[DubaiSis]

You do have an option. Surely there is a hotel in town. For whatever reason, your sisters aren't champing at the bit to let you stay with them. You found one solution and when everyone didn't just do exactly what you demanded (and really, a personal request to a friend over Facebook?), you can't possibly think of any other possibilities. It's time to start thinking like a grown up. I would make your hotel arrangements and then apologize IN PERSON to the girls who you made feel uncomfortable at your demand for free housing. And yes, begging and whining=demanding. It's not their job to take care of you just because you haven't made arrangements prior to the zero hour.

[TEAtime]

I didn't imagine that your sole purpose for joining a sorority was to be able to couch surf when necessary; snark doesn't always carry over so well on these here interwebs :-/

Try not to beat yourself up about it; i.e., don't feel awful. Talk to your sisters. Things may be awkward, but it is what it is (don't fall into the introvert trap of letting your thoughts consume you). I'm not saying this is what you should do, but in your shoes I might book a room, then personally reach out to sisters I know will be in town and offer to help them move into their summer spots. Or, I'd see if anyone's available to hang out one evening before you go home. Things will work out.

[33girl]

It's possible that your sisters have very stringent leases that forbid them from having overnight guests for more than a night at a time. It's possible that they have roommates who don't want you there. It's possible they had some sexy time with their boyfriends scheduled. It's immaterial. I agree with TEAtime that 1) you should have asked people to their faces, not on texts or on a facebook group and 2) you should have done so more than 2.5 seconds before you needed a space.