The DTR

christiangirl · #1 11-18-2009, 05:02 AM

I looked for a thread about this and didn't find it in a key word search. I also browsed other threads, but stopped at 07 though. If there's already one out there, cool, but I just thought of this and wanted to throw it out there.

Enlighten me about this creature called the DTR ("define the relationship" conversation). How do adults even begin to approach this? When you're little, it's cool, you ask if someone will go steady with you or maybe just pass a note and it's done. As adults, everyone is different about it, so what are some of your guys' stories? Do you talk about it first or not? How do you tend to move from "Person I'm dating" to "SO?"

dreamseeker · #2 11-18-2009, 05:57 AM

i always talk about it. im the "lay your cards on the table" type of gal and i hate games. i want to know point blank what the person wants, where they think it's going, etc. as for the how, i simply ask. but that's me. i'm blunt and aggressive.

LucyKKG · #3 11-18-2009, 06:18 AM

Ugh, I was so freaking awkward when I initiated the "do you wanna be my boyfriend" talk with my boyfriend. Ha! He was being all serious and weird just to mess with me, and I was super worried. Sooo I don't have a good answer for this at all cause I'm so awkward! Sorry!

AlwaysSAI · #4 11-18-2009, 07:55 PM

Hahahaha. I've mentioned the DTR a few times on here. hahahaha.

Anyway, I'm much like dreamseeker. But, I have absolutely no tact when it comes to these sorts of things. I've asked a guy if he wanted dibs. I've asked a guy if he had dibs. My current boyfriend..... We were out at a bar one night and I was pretty drunk. I just looked at him and said, "Are you my boyfriend?" And, he said "yes." I asked him again the next morning when we were both sober, just to make sure.

When a guy approaches me with the DTR, I lay it out like a contract. "You realize I'm high maintenance. I require a lot of attention and expect you to call me daily. If you say you're going to do something, I expect you to do it and will call you out if you don't. I am sometimes annoying and overly perky. I will probably get on your nerves and embarrass you if I laugh in public......." So on and so forth. It's funny, I've never had any guy change their mind after I've said that to them.

I always think it's funny that when we break up, the guy will usually cite one of the things discussed above as the reason for the break-up. And, I always say, "HEY! I WARNED YOU!"

...I know, I'm awkward.....

Xanthus · #5 11-18-2009, 09:33 PM

You don't even want to know what I ask for.

agzg · #6 11-18-2009, 09:38 PM

I didn't have to do it with live-in because I was jokingly talking about my other boyfriends and he said "I don't think so."

Previously, it just kinda came up naturally. I suck at it.

I'm of the mindset that there's no way it won't be awkward, ever. You're really putting yourself out there.

LucyKKG · #7 11-18-2009, 10:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlwaysSAI

Anyway, I'm much like dreamseeker. But, I have absolutely no tact when it comes to these sorts of things. I've asked a guy if he wanted dibs. I've asked a guy if he had dibs. My current boyfriend..... We were out at a bar one night and I was pretty drunk. I just looked at him and said, "Are you my boyfriend?" And, he said "yes." I asked him again the next morning when we were both sober, just to make sure.

Hahah this cracked me up!

AGDee · #8 11-18-2009, 11:08 PM

I don't find it difficult because, for me, if there is a certain level of physical intimacy, then there is the expectation of exclusivity. When that time comes, I let him know that if things progress, then I expect we will be exclusive and give him the option of continuing on or not. However, I think I'm a bit more conservative than younger generations about those things. You can't maintain that stance AND have friends with benefits, etc.

XAntoftheSkyX · #9 11-18-2009, 11:14 PM

I usually let whomever make the first move and then a day so later start the DTR. I'm like AlwaysSAI and dreamseeker where I need to know where I stand with someone. I wish there was a way to make the talk not awkward.

KSig RC · #10 11-19-2009, 02:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Xanthus

You don't even want to know what I ask for.

Well, we know it's not anal. Or a condom. Or an abortion. I'm not sure what else I wouldn't want to know - taking a dump on her neck?

(Trollin' trolls - shit's fancy)

christiangirl · #11 11-20-2009, 12:49 AM

Hey hey hey, play nice. I like my threads to NOT turn into hostile trainwrecks, please and thank you.

The last guy I dated would ask at the end of EVERY date and EVERY phone call, "So where is this going?" This started about 5 days after we met and I would

every time. I never really answered him because I had no clue what he was trying to ask me, so he repeatedly accused me of being afraid of intimacy.

(BTW, on our 3rd date, I flipped the question on him and that helped me get what he was trying to say.)

angels&angles · #12 11-20-2009, 04:31 PM

I'm terrible at the DTR. So I just don't do it. I just let my, er, action speak for itself and figure it'll eventually settle itself out. Most of the time, I only realize in retrospect that, yeah, I guess he was my boyfriend. I always just say it's the guy(s) I'm "seeing" currently.

And I usually end up letting them know that we may not be exclusive, but I'm really jealous. So they're free to sex it up with someone else, but I reserve the right to be upset about it even if he's not, technically, "mine." This usually either ends in exclusivity or just ends.

I yam what I yam.

Alumiyum · #13 11-21-2009, 11:11 PM

With my current boyfriend I never brought it up and after a couple of months at a party he started introducing me as his girlfriend, so I figured that settled it. A couple of weeks later he made it official on facebook, because everyone knows it isn't official until it's on facebook.

That's not how I've done it in the past, but I have to say it made things a lot easier. All I asked him in the beginning was "are we exclusive" and of course he said yes and I explained I just needed to be on the same page there to make sure if he wanted to see other people I wouldn't be surprised. In the past I've gone the route of waiting until I thought it was pretty obvious we were dating and then would straight up ask "what are we?" and discussed it that way, but even though I'd always act like I wasn't going to be bothered no matter what the answer was it was always never wracking to ask and to figure out when the timing was right. I think I'm sticking to the new method of waiting, though I do recommend asking about whether you're exclusive or not after a couple of weeks to avoid any unpleasant misunderstandings.

Xanthus · #14 11-22-2009, 02:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KSig RC

Well, we know it's not anal. Or a condom. Or an abortion. I'm not sure what else I wouldn't want to know - taking a dump on her neck?

(Trollin' trolls - shit's fancy)

Hey shit for brains. I'm not trolling. If I wanted to take a shit on a chick's neck I would post it in D&R or TMI, and unlike yourself, I wouldn't give a fuck. It's a message board, dickhead. Do you have a photo on here? If you don't, then shut the fuck up and stop taking it so seriously.

christiangirl · #15 11-22-2009, 01:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alumiyum

I think I'm sticking to the new method of waiting, though I do recommend asking about whether you're exclusive or not after a couple of weeks to avoid any unpleasant misunderstandings.

So what is the difference? Between being exclusive with him and being his girlfriend? I think I've asked this before, but I still don't get it--if neither of you are dating other people.....