I need advice and help. Have no idea where to put this.

[lala2005]

Okay...so I completed formal recruitment last year. There aren't a lot of sororities at my school. But the first day I absolutely fell in love with one particular one and didn't really like the others. The next day, I was cut by that one and heartbroken. I felt such a strong connection at that one and felt at home. But I thought that I would end up where I was meant to be.
I ended up getting a bid from a sorority that loved me, but I didn't like them that much back. I felt like I didn't have a connection to any of the girls I talked to. But I thought "Well it must be a good thing if they really wanted me, I must really belong here. Besides, I only met about 10 of the girls out of 100, I'll make a connection with someone." So I accepted the bid, went through the pledge period and initiated.
Almost a year later, I don't know what to do. I'm always a bit sad that I got cut from the sorority I absolutely loved the first day and see them have so much fun on campus. They always look so fun together and you can tell they really love each other, it seems like they have a strong bond and a great sisterhood (The number 1 reason why I wanted to join a sorority)
I'm such a shy person....I try talking to some of my sisters but the conversations always come out awkward.... I always sit alone during meetings...The closest person I have is my big sister and she isn't in chapter right now because she has two jobs....The chapter I'm in doesn't do anything for sisterhoods...most of the girls never come to anything and don't get great grades...I wanted to be in a chapter where all the girls did everything together and showed up to all the events. During greek week there was only 20 girls that came to everything and compared to all the other sororities? There were almost 90 girls and they were loud and fun.
Anyways, it just makes me so sad that we don't have a strong sisterhood, and that I make a big effort to get to know the girls but they don't return it. I'm so worried for recruitment because you can all tell we're kinda being fake to each other.
I just feel so out of place here..... SO straight to the point.
Sorry I described so much I just didn't know who else to tell....
Should I wait it out a year for the new members and see if I have a bond and connection with them? Or quit now?

Sorry to explain everything so confusingly. It's just so hard to type/write it all out.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by lala2005

Okay...so I completed formal recruitment last year. There aren't a lot of sororities at my school. But the first day I absolutely fell in love with one particular one and didn't really like the others. The next day, I was cut by that one and heartbroken. I felt such a strong connection at that one and felt at home. But I thought that I would end up where I was meant to be.
I ended up getting a bid from a sorority that loved me, but I didn't like them that much back. I felt like I didn't have a connection to any of the girls I talked to. But I thought "Well it must be a good thing if they really wanted me, I must really belong here. Besides, I only met about 10 of the girls out of 100, I'll make a connection with someone." So I accepted the bid, went through the pledge period and initiated.
Almost a year later, I don't know what to do. I'm always a bit sad that I got cut from the sorority I absolutely loved the first day and see them have so much fun on campus. They always look so fun together and you can tell they really love each other, it seems like they have a strong bond and a great sisterhood (The number 1 reason why I wanted to join a sorority)
I'm such a shy person....I try talking to some of my sisters but the conversations always come out awkward.... I always sit alone during meetings...The closest person I have is my big sister and she isn't in chapter right now because she has two jobs....The chapter I'm in doesn't do anything for sisterhoods...most of the girls never come to anything and don't get great grades...I wanted to be in a chapter where all the girls did everything together and showed up to all the events. During greek week there was only 20 girls that came to everything and compared to all the other sororities? There were almost 90 girls and they were loud and fun.
Anyways, it just makes me so sad that we don't have a strong sisterhood, and that I make a big effort to get to know the girls but they don't return it. I'm so worried for recruitment because you can all tell we're kinda being fake to each other.
I just feel so out of place here..... SO straight to the point.
Sorry I described so much I just didn't know who else to tell....
Should I wait it out a year for the new members and see if I have a bond and connection with them? Or quit now?

Sorry to explain everything so confusingly. It's just so hard to type/write it all out.

Your siituation is not unique. There are probably many others here who have had similar experiences.

Good thread to read: http://www.greekchat.com/gcforums/sh...d.php?t=112091

Staying or quitting is a decision that YOU have to make in the end. Ask yourself if you really have made a good effort to get to know people, or are you more into sitting around wishing you were in your first choice group?

I ask because many girls wonder why they don't have friends in the sorority, but don't realize that people can sense an "I don't want to be here vibe" and just don't want to bother talking to them.

[lala2005]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

Your siituation is not unique. There are probably many others here who have had similar experiences.

Good thread to read: http://www.greekchat.com/gcforums/sh...d.php?t=112091

Staying or quitting is a decision that YOU have to make in the end. Ask yourself if you really have made a good effort to get to know people, or are you more into sitting around wishing you were in your first choice group?

I ask because many girls wonder why they don't have friends in the sorority, but don't realize that people can sense an "I don't want to be here vibe" and just don't want to bother talking to them.

Yeah I could definitely see your point...Thank you so much for replying, I really appreciate your input.

And just to add, I'm involved on a couple of committees and I really do put effort in....I suppose it's not enough, I'll definitely try harder.

I admit, sometimes I do wish I was in that sorority because they were so easy to talk to.....

I don't want to quit, I do want to wait it out...Just a little scared

I honestly just don't know what else I can do to put more effort in.... Any suggestions will be so much appreciated!!

[lala2005]

Originally Posted by Jen

You honestly don't know what it would be like to be a member of the other sorority. There could be internal stuff going on there you have NO idea about as a non-member, things that could potentially have turned you way off that group had you joined. You may have found no one to connect with their. You really never know.

Because you will never know what it's like to be a member of that group, you have got to let it go. Thinking about it all the time is a mental block, and whether you think so or not, it IS influencing your involvement with your sorority. I firmly believe people can sense it - you said yourself you think people can tell everyone is being fake with each other. Maybe people are sensing you don't really want to interact with them because you're concentrating so much on the dream group. You really need to let the other group go, because there is no possibility to make that happen.

That being said, you may find you still don't feel like a fit in your sorority for whatever reason, and then you have a decision to make. I'm not sure if "quitting" to you means taking alumnae status, or resigning your membership in the organization as a whole, but I'd caution against the latter.

One key thing to remember is that membership is for a lifetime. You are in college for only 4-5 years of your life, for the most part. Your time as an alumna is going to be much longer. Do you like the organization as a national group? Can you see yourself getting involved with an alumnae group in the future? If you move to a new city, would you find it helpful to connect with alumnae in that city? Can you see yourself networking online with alumnae?

These are all possibilities for the future with alumnae membership, and if you resign from the sorority as a whole, you'll lose out on that opportunity. I know there are a few members here that have spoken about not having a fabulous time with their sorority in college, but really finding the worth and enjoyment in it after college as an alumna.

Yeah I understand, thanks. I really appreciate your response.

[Always AlphaGam]

Originally Posted by Jen

One key thing to remember is that membership is for a lifetime. You are in college for only 4-5 years of your life, for the most part. Your time as an alumna is going to be much longer. Do you like the organization as a national group? Can you see yourself getting involved with an alumnae group in the future? If you move to a new city, would you find it helpful to connect with alumnae in that city? Can you see yourself networking online with alumnae?

These are all possibilities for the future with alumnae membership, and if you resign from the sorority as a whole, you'll lose out on that opportunity. I know there are a few members here that have spoken about not having a fabulous time with their sorority in college, but really finding the worth and enjoyment in it after college as an alumna.

This.

I had a wonderful time as a collegiate member. I had no idea that being an alumna member would be even more fun.

To the OP, it only takes one new member class to turn things around. I know several GreekChatters will agree because they've seen it and/or lived it. Be the change you want to see and keep putting forth that effort in creating relationships with your new sisters. Don't give up on them just yet because you're not seeing results immediately!

[DubaiSis]

Be the change you want to see. Make plans and invite sisters to go along.
And it sounds like your shyness might be getting in the way of your happiness. Faking it will go a long way toward fixing your shyness. Faking being happy and outgoing is not necessarily a bad thing and can even turn you around. If you're faking being happy you can't really be having too many negative thoughts running through your head, and when those thoughts go away, you can be happy without faking it.

Best of luck. I'd hate to have you quit, because as others have stated, it's a lifetime membership and you have many many years of good times ahead of you. But please remember, nobody is spoon fed their fun. You have to work at it.

[excelblue]

Bonds are something that you have to build, not something that just magically comes along.

A GLO is great because their members make it great. Every member influences each other, and such influences have great effects on the direction of the organization. If you can influence everybody else to do the little things to make the organization great, then it will be great.

The bonding and greatness are not things to be taken for granted. Otherwise, you might as well be some random club with t-shirts all living in the same place and having some ultra-confidential information.

You've stayed long enough to get initiated, and it appears that you have nothing to lose by staying and nothing to gain by dropping out. After all, based on your description, it appears that it's not just you who's feeling left out. So, by the gist of things, all that's really required is a bit of fixing.

Not everyone immediately clicks with everyone else. I mean, personally speaking, I've gotten lucky a few times and immediately clicked with a few friends, but for the vast majority (80%+), the conversation always started awkwardly while one or both sides worked to get more comfortable with each other. There are several resources out there on how to deal with awkward situations, but avoiding or ignoring them is the worst possible way to deal with them.

In fact, being from a fraternity that only recruits from STEM majors, I can honestly say that even though we have a really strong brotherhood (and show it), almost nobody started this way. Almost everybody (including me) actually joined for the other stuff (eg. connections for being in a national, academics) and then found out about the brotherhood later. And yes, we really had to work at making it happen.

[33girl]

The other sorority does not exist, as of now. They have fallen off the face of the earth. Please get the "what if" out of your head. I have sisters who (even though they'd never admit it) are STILL doing "what if?" 25 years later...and it's uber lame.

I agree w/ Dubai Sis. Make plans with other sisters to go to events, go out to dinner, go to fraternity parties etc. JUST DO IT. Quit calling yourself a shy person - it's a self fulfilling prophecy. Stop at the house or suite between classes if you don't live there and just hang out. Those are the BEST times. Don't wait for an invite - you don't need one. You're a sister and this is your home!

That does completely suck about your big - but do you have other sorority family there? Let them know you're kind of feeling adrift.

If the lack of involvement is bugging you - and believe me I understand where you're coming from - ask members of your pledge class what they think about it.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Why do you suppose people aren't coming to sisterhood events? Not interested? Too expensive? No time? Too many friends outside of the house?

[Alumiyum]

Step 1: FORGET ABOUT THE OTHER SORORITY. So much of your first post is about them that it's obvious you're still holding on to some sense of regret. Get over it. You have been initiated and will never, ever be a member of that other sorority, so you need to forget that it was ever an option. I say this not to be harsh but to be realistic. Comparing your experience to the PERCEIVED experience of the members of another sorority isn't going to make you happy, nor is it helpful since you really do not know that they are any happier than you are overall.

Step 2: After letting go of this other sorority, put effort into getting to know your own in and out. Participating on committees is certainly a good way to start, but you need to be spending time with sisters socially, too. Find some that you think you have some things in common with and start asking them to come hang out or go out with you at night as a group. Make sure you're nice to everyone, even girls that have rubbed you the wrong way.

Step 3: Take your grades and participation issues up with the appropriate officers. It sounds like they just need to re-evaluate their system. Are people not interested in sisterhoods because there is no real bonding? Do they need to try something different? Some sororities require people to come to Greek week (mine did). Does this system need to be put in place? As for grades, are there sisters that are struggling? How can they be helped? Does the chapter need a couple of programs on the importance of getting good grades? Find an officer or two that you think would be receptive to a pow-wow on these issues and find a way to organize a sit down discussion.

Step 4: Realize this is 4 years out of your entire life. Your collegiate experience is important and I don't wish to downplay that, but you have the rest of your life to be an alum. Don't throw that away because your collegiate experience is just mediocre. It could be that a new member class could really revitalize the chapter, or maybe the next sisterhood could get everyone really fired up. But if not, continue to learn from your experiences and REALLY think hard about quitting. A sorority is supposed to be fun, but it's also supposed to be a learning experience. For instance, I learned how to be more diplomatic, how to manage my time better, and how to shut my mouth when I needed to no matter how much I wanted to say something. These were all things I personally needed to work on and the chapter helped me do that. I'm sure there are ways your experience could teach you as well.

[lala2005]

I don't really know honestly. They're free, and I guess they just aren't interested. Most of my sisters in my sorority are the partying type so that's one thing they enjoy doing and I know that I should go to the parties with them, but I feel uncomfortable going because I have a boyfriend and I would feel really bad going without him, I just don't think it's respectful. Haha sorry if you don't understand that and think it's weird. And I've talked to my sisters about it and they understand, and I do spend time with the two girls who agree and have the same situation...
But back to my first point. A sister and I organized an ice skating sisterhood, it was about 7 or 8 dollars, and only 2 girls went. I guess most of the girls had something else to do, since it was a Saturday (it was after a recruitment workshop). And we can't have one during the week since a lot of girls have late night classes!
Sadly we don't have a chapter house or even suites at my school so I can't stop by in between classes.
But I'm gonna try and "not" be shy anymore! I really am. Retreat is this Friday so I'm excited for that.

And yeah the only thing I'd really gain from dropping out is being able to save my money and more time with my best friends. I have 4 and I've grown very distant from them since my sorority takes up a lot of time! And just time in general.

My gut is telling me not to quit though, so I guess that's a sign!

[lala2005]

Sorry for the double post, but yeah my chapter requires everyone to go to every greek week event too!
And no worries if you think your response sounds harsh it doesn't, I'm really happy that you took the time to help out and reply. Thanks for all the advice I really love it and can't say thank you enough!

[LocalLove9]

Ah, the going out with your sisters without your boyfriend issue... I'm not going to say go party go wild if that's not something you want to do, but if you feel like being in a relationship, not a lack of desire to go to parties with your sisters is what prevents you going, I can address that one.

One way to handle it is to split your evenings. Say a party starts at 10:00...go from 10:00 to 12:00 with your sisters, hang out and be social. Then excuse yourself, tell everyone you've had fun, and go meet up with the bf. Or, is there some reason he can't come to these parties? I know at schools with a less open party system than mine, guys can have a hard time getting into frat parties, but is it possible for you to go with your sisters, and him to go with some of his friends? That way you can alternate time hanging there with your sisters and hanging there with him and his friends.

Another tip is just reaching out to girls for lunch or dinner sometime. Do you have a house email list? Email the sisterhood asking for lunch buddies on Tuesday or whenever, and see if anyone responds.

That's good you're organizing things like iceskating...you are trying. I know its frustrating when people don't reciprocate, but at least you are trying. That's good. I hope you don't quit, and that everything works out for you!

[ree-Xi]

Originally Posted by lala2005

I don't really know honestly. They're free, and I guess they just aren't interested. Most of my sisters in my sorority are the partying type so that's one thing they enjoy doing and I know that I should go to the parties with them, but I feel uncomfortable going because I have a boyfriend and I would feel really bad going without him, I just don't think it's respectful. Haha sorry if you don't understand that and think it's weird. And I've talked to my sisters about it and they understand, and I do spend time with the two girls who agree and have the same situation...
But back to my first point. A sister and I organized an ice skating sisterhood, it was about 7 or 8 dollars, and only 2 girls went. I guess most of the girls had something else to do, since it was a Saturday (it was after a recruitment workshop). And we can't have one during the week since a lot of girls have late night classes!
Sadly we don't have a chapter house or even suites at my school so I can't stop by in between classes.
But I'm gonna try and "not" be shy anymore! I really am. Retreat is this Friday so I'm excited for that.

And yeah the only thing I'd really gain from dropping out is being able to save my money and more time with my best friends. I have 4 and I've grown very distant from them since my sorority takes up a lot of time! And just time in general.

My gut is telling me not to quit though, so I guess that's a sign!

Huge red flag. You feel guilty going out without your boyfriend? Does he do stuff without you? When you are apart, are you always talking about him or calling or sending him texts? Does your boyfriend demand all your time, or do you put these demands on yourself?

Your sisters may "say" it's okay with them, but honey, no 18-22 year old needs to be tying themselves down with a boy. He may be the love of your life, but if "he's the one", you have the rest of your life to spend with him. You have only a few years to be a "college kid" and an active collegiate sorority member. I am afraid that you may regret keeping yourself in your tiny bubble, and end up resenting him because you feel guilty when he's not around.

You can go out with your sisters and have fun. If you don't want to drink, don't. Y It's not cheating to socialize with people, even other boys. Do you have any male friends? Do you talk to other boys in class?

I think you are bringing a lot of this on yourself. This screams co-dependence to me. It's not healthy, and a lot of women (especially younger women) think that they can't/shouldn't "exist" without a/THE man by her side.

As for the party reputation, low sisterhood participating, and lower grades, get on a committee or run for office in the areas you want to improve. DubaiSis said it right - BE the change (or was that Bruce Almighty?). Your first change is taking off the shackles you've put on yourself. Step two is feeling strongly enough about something to make changes and DOING something about it.

[AnotherKD]

oops