I need advice and help. Have no idea where to put this.

lala2005 · #1 09-15-2010, 12:47 PM

I don't really know honestly. They're free, and I guess they just aren't interested. Most of my sisters in my sorority are the partying type so that's one thing they enjoy doing and I know that I should go to the parties with them, but I feel uncomfortable going because I have a boyfriend and I would feel really bad going without him, I just don't think it's respectful. Haha sorry if you don't understand that and think it's weird. And I've talked to my sisters about it and they understand, and I do spend time with the two girls who agree and have the same situation...
But back to my first point. A sister and I organized an ice skating sisterhood, it was about 7 or 8 dollars, and only 2 girls went. I guess most of the girls had something else to do, since it was a Saturday (it was after a recruitment workshop). And we can't have one during the week since a lot of girls have late night classes!
Sadly we don't have a chapter house or even suites at my school so I can't stop by in between classes.
But I'm gonna try and "not" be shy anymore! I really am. Retreat is this Friday so I'm excited for that.

And yeah the only thing I'd really gain from dropping out is being able to save my money and more time with my best friends. I have 4 and I've grown very distant from them since my sorority takes up a lot of time! And just time in general.

My gut is telling me not to quit though, so I guess that's a sign!

ree-Xi · #2 09-15-2010, 01:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lala2005

I don't really know honestly. They're free, and I guess they just aren't interested. Most of my sisters in my sorority are the partying type so that's one thing they enjoy doing and I know that I should go to the parties with them, but I feel uncomfortable going because I have a boyfriend and I would feel really bad going without him, I just don't think it's respectful. Haha sorry if you don't understand that and think it's weird. And I've talked to my sisters about it and they understand, and I do spend time with the two girls who agree and have the same situation...
But back to my first point. A sister and I organized an ice skating sisterhood, it was about 7 or 8 dollars, and only 2 girls went. I guess most of the girls had something else to do, since it was a Saturday (it was after a recruitment workshop). And we can't have one during the week since a lot of girls have late night classes!
Sadly we don't have a chapter house or even suites at my school so I can't stop by in between classes.
But I'm gonna try and "not" be shy anymore! I really am. Retreat is this Friday so I'm excited for that.

And yeah the only thing I'd really gain from dropping out is being able to save my money and more time with my best friends. I have 4 and I've grown very distant from them since my sorority takes up a lot of time! And just time in general.

My gut is telling me not to quit though, so I guess that's a sign!

Huge red flag. You feel guilty going out without your boyfriend? Does he do stuff without you? When you are apart, are you always talking about him or calling or sending him texts? Does your boyfriend demand all your time, or do you put these demands on yourself?

Your sisters may "say" it's okay with them, but honey, no 18-22 year old needs to be tying themselves down with a boy. He may be the love of your life, but if "he's the one", you have the rest of your life to spend with him. You have only a few years to be a "college kid" and an active collegiate sorority member. I am afraid that you may regret keeping yourself in your tiny bubble, and end up resenting him because you feel guilty when he's not around.

You can go out with your sisters and have fun. If you don't want to drink, don't. Y It's not cheating to socialize with people, even other boys. Do you have any male friends? Do you talk to other boys in class?

I think you are bringing a lot of this on yourself. This screams co-dependence to me. It's not healthy, and a lot of women (especially younger women) think that they can't/shouldn't "exist" without a/THE man by her side.

As for the party reputation, low sisterhood participating, and lower grades, get on a committee or run for office in the areas you want to improve. DubaiSis said it right - BE the change (or was that Bruce Almighty?). Your first change is taking off the shackles you've put on yourself. Step two is feeling strongly enough about something to make changes and DOING something about it.

33girl · #3 09-15-2010, 01:27 PM

I totally agree w/ ree's post on the boyfriend thing. You don't want to be that sister with the boyfriend who never does anything without him. If he's there and he can't/doesn't want to go out, do what was mentioned before and spend part of the night with your sisters, part with him. If it's a long distance thing, you need to tell him that you're going to be going out and having fun. Sitting at home by yourself is NOT going to strengthen your relationship.

lala2005 · #4 09-15-2010, 01:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ree-Xi

Huge red flag. You feel guilty going out without your boyfriend? Does he do stuff without you? When you are apart, are you always talking about him or calling or sending him texts? Does your boyfriend demand all your time, or do you put these demands on yourself?

Your sisters may "say" it's okay with them, but honey, no 18-22 year old needs to be tying themselves down with a boy. He may be the love of your life, but if "he's the one", you have the rest of your life to spend with him. You have only a few years to be a "college kid" and an active collegiate sorority member. I am afraid that you may regret keeping yourself in your tiny bubble, and end up resenting him because you feel guilty when he's not around.

You can go out with your sisters and have fun. If you don't want to drink, don't. Y It's not cheating to socialize with people, even other boys. Do you have any male friends? Do you talk to other boys in class?

I think you are bringing a lot of this on yourself. This screams co-dependence to me. It's not healthy, and a lot of women (especially younger women) think that they can't/shouldn't "exist" without a/THE man by her side.

As for the party reputation, low sisterhood participating, and lower grades, get on a committee or run for office in the areas you want to improve. DubaiSis said it right - BE the change (or was that Bruce Almighty?). Your first change is taking off the shackles you've put on yourself. Step two is feeling strongly enough about something to make changes and DOING something about it.

Okay I do a lot of things without him with the exception of parties/clubs like that, and no he doesn't do stuff like that without me. When we are apart I don't talk about him unless people ask and I don't call him unless I'm alone at home. I do send him texts a lot but stop if I'm hanging out with people. And no my boyfriend does not demand me all the time.
But it's hard to explain, I knew no one on here would understand. Honestly i have no idea how further i can explain myself besides saying I don't think it's respectful to our relationship. And it's not like I don't go to anything because of him haha, that's like the only thing I don't go to.
Haha and I do have male friends but I really don't talk to anyone in class period, I'm a quiet person.....

33girl · #5 09-15-2010, 01:33 PM

It's not disrespectful to go out with a bunch of female friends and have fun. It's not an orgy, it's a party. If guys approach you and hit on you, just say "I'm sorry, but I have a boyfriend."

Trust us older and wiser peeps - if you both cut yourself off from doing fun social things, you are both going to be miserable.

MysticCat · #6 09-15-2010, 01:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lala2005

Okay I do a lot of things without him with the exception of parties/clubs like that, and no he doesn't do stuff like that without me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 33girl

Trust us older and wiser peeps - if you both cut yourself off from doing fun social things, you are both going to be miserable.

As one of the older and wiser peeps . . . well, older anyway . . . and as a guy, I agree completely. If he has a problem with you going to a party or club without him, the problem is not the party or the club. And if he doesn't have a problem with it, why make it a problem for you? There's nothing at all disrespectful about it.

Maybe I'm way off, but it seems like you might be missing out on bonding experiences with your sisters and then blaming the lack of a bond on defects in your chapter compared to the chapter-that-might-have-been.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lala2005

I go to parties with my best friends and without him, it's frat parties and clubs I don't like going without him... haha is that still bad?

I think so. It's only disrespectful if you go to parties and act like you don't have a boyfriend.

ree-Xi · #7 09-15-2010, 01:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lala2005

Okay I do a lot of things without him with the exception of parties/clubs like that, and no he doesn't do stuff like that without me. When we are apart I don't talk about him unless people ask and I don't call him unless I'm alone at home. I do send him texts a lot but stop if I'm hanging out with people. And no my boyfriend does not demand me all the time.
But it's hard to explain, I knew no one on here would understand. Honestly i have no idea how further i can explain myself besides saying I don't think it's respectful to our relationship. And it's not like I don't go to anything because of him haha, that's like the only thing I don't go to.
Haha and I do have male friends but I really don't talk to anyone in class period, I'm a quiet person.....

Why don't you do things socially apart? How is that not respectful? I knew couples like this, and they more often than not, they grew to resent one another and broke up, only to find that they didn't have any other friends left.

As for people not understanding, I do understand. I had a serious boyfriend in college but I would have gone insane had I not had my own social outlets. Even as a married woman, my husband and I have taken trips without the other, for both business and pleasure. We go out socially with our own friends sometimes. There is nothing wrong with it.

Alumiyum · #8 09-15-2010, 04:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lala2005

I don't really know honestly. They're free, and I guess they just aren't interested. Most of my sisters in my sorority are the partying type so that's one thing they enjoy doing and I know that I should go to the parties with them, but I feel uncomfortable going because I have a boyfriend and I would feel really bad going without him, I just don't think it's respectful. Haha sorry if you don't understand that and think it's weird. And I've talked to my sisters about it and they understand, and I do spend time with the two girls who agree and have the same situation...
But back to my first point. A sister and I organized an ice skating sisterhood, it was about 7 or 8 dollars, and only 2 girls went. I guess most of the girls had something else to do, since it was a Saturday (it was after a recruitment workshop). And we can't have one during the week since a lot of girls have late night classes!
Sadly we don't have a chapter house or even suites at my school so I can't stop by in between classes.
But I'm gonna try and "not" be shy anymore! I really am. Retreat is this Friday so I'm excited for that.

And yeah the only thing I'd really gain from dropping out is being able to save my money and more time with my best friends. I have 4 and I've grown very distant from them since my sorority takes up a lot of time! And just time in general.

My gut is telling me not to quit though, so I guess that's a sign!

First, take this with a grain of salt since it's based on personal experience, but please think it over.

I've been in relationships where I have felt guilty if I did not bring my boyfriend with me to parties, or if I went without him. Every single one of these relationships ended, and badly. Now, I realize that's my own experience but please understand that aside from any one issue that caused the break ups, all of these relationships deteriorated more quickly and less amicably than subsequent ones because after a while, we were devoting all of our time to each other, and that's not healthy. Especially at this age. Arguements became impossible to reconcile because we were not able to blow off steam and have time apart to calm down. Two of these boyfriends became increasingly possessive to the point that there was abuse (and I am not telling you that I think your boyfriend is controlling or abusive). I am very careful now to maintain healthy relationships by having as much time with my friends as I do with my SO. I'm 24 and not ready to settle down, and I understand that about myself and act accordingly.

If you really want to build stronger relationships with your chapter, you need to have a talk with your boyfriend. You need to be able to have the experiences with your sisters that will help you grow. You don't have to drink or flirt. He needs to trust you enough to know you can handle the party without hurting your relationship. (And by the same token he needs to be afforded the same consideration.)

Was the sisterhood advertised? Were some girls worried about money? Was everyone exhausted after the workshop? Don't let one let down convince you that next time won't be better. The next time you organize an event advertise heavily ahead of time and if cost is an issue, consider something like a pot luck with movies. Have a sign up list and everyone can bring what they can afford.

It's common to grow apart during college, just let your friends know you're busy but that doesn't mean you don't care. When you have a free afternoon on Saturday, ask them to come over to your apartment/dorm and hang out, or organize a girls' night out with just them.

lala2005 · #9 09-18-2010, 08:10 PM

Hey everyone, sorry I haven't really responded to your advice. I was actually at retreat for my sorority.
First off, retreat was so amazing! So much sisterhood bonding, my roomie and I connected so well because we both felt the same way about being in our sorority. We both felt alone and wanted to drop- and when we talked about it and other things it was just great because we both understood each other and there was actually crying too-but it was actually tears of happiness because we were happy that this weekend we got to know everyone so well and we felt so comfortable. All my sisters ended up coming to our room and we talked to them about so many different things, and we went to the jacuzzi at like 2 in the morning and talked a lot there too. I got to know all the girls so well and I am so happy! I feel a lot more comfortable now and I'm actually going to go make costumes with them for a frat party soon! I'm really excited about that! And I'm going out with them again tomorrow!
Anyways I just wanted to let everyone that gave me advice know that all the info/help/experience you gave me helped significantly and made me realize different things I need to work on. I can't thank you guys enough! I really don't know what else to say besides thank you! And I'm definitely not dropping and sticking it through.

33girl · #10 09-18-2010, 08:41 PM

Yay for happy endings, or rather, happy beginnings!

I'm so glad you were able to express how you were feeling and realize your sisters really are there for you.

When Doves Cry · #11 09-18-2010, 08:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lala2005

Most of my sisters in my sorority are the partying type so that's one thing they enjoy doing and I know that I should go to the parties with them, but I feel uncomfortable going because I have a boyfriend and I would feel really bad going without him, I just don't think it's respectful.

I had a boyfriend the whole time I was in my sorority (and still with him now). I didn't go out as much as the other girls did, but I did go to a fair amount of parties & socials. In fact, he always encouraged me to go and have fun, as long as I was safe!

Sorry if I'm repeating any questions (I only read the first page), but do you have date parties? Kind of like Semi-Formal & Formal, but more casual and you can all bring your boyfriends/dates/whoever!

lala2005 · #12 09-19-2010, 01:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by When Doves Cry

I had a boyfriend the whole time I was in my sorority (and still with him now). I didn't go out as much as the other girls did, but I did go to a fair amount of parties & socials. In fact, he always encouraged me to go and have fun, as long as I was safe!

Sorry if I'm repeating any questions (I only read the first page), but do you have date parties? Kind of like Semi-Formal & Formal, but more casual and you can all bring your boyfriends/dates/whoever!

Yeah we have a semi-formal and a formal!

But we haven't had date parties.....!

When Doves Cry · #13 09-19-2010, 01:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lala2005

Yeah we have a semi-formal and a formal!

But we haven't had date parties.....!

OH well you can plan them exactly like how you would plan a social (with themes & everything)! Except instead of having it with a fraternity, you just bring your own dates