Disaffiliating?

[katie4480]

Hi all,

I joined a sorority at very heavily greek school last semester (2nd semester of freshman year) with a pledge class of about 45 or so girls. I intentionally ignored what sororities my friends were joining and just went with my gut. However, it seems like the other girls in my pledge class didn't. Most girls knew several other girls in the PC, and I've found it very hard to make friends. To make things worse, a chronic illness I have flared up right after bid day, so I missed all the initial retreat/bonding activities. The house is very cliquey (as most are, to some extent, I'd imagine), but I think my house in particular is cliquey. On campus it's the ONE house that doesn't have a stereotype or reputation because SO many types of girls seem to join it. Unfortunately, I just don't seem to be fitting into any of them. Everyone is friendly on the surface and says "hi" if I go sit next to them at chapter dinner, for example, but they always seem to talk about inside jokes and personal things. My big (despite really liking her when she preffed me) really just only spends time with her boyfriend, and we really aren't close at all.

It's gotten to the point where it's so uncomfortable to be there that I just want to disaffiliate. Last semester, I tried REALLY hard to fit in, and I just feel so sad knowing I have all these events (chapter, socials, recruitment meetings) to go to and have no one to go with and just have to sit by myself until all the chairs fill up and someone has to sit with me. Now I'm just so frustrated that I skip a lot of events. I just can't seem to break into any of the circles or get more than a "hey."

I've talked to our Standards board about going inactive because of my illness, but it's unlikely I'll get it because of restrictions about numbers/seniority. They said they'll work with me if I start feeling sick during the semester about missing chapter, but it seems a little pointless to me to pay full dues (around $800 each semester) just to stay in the org and not go to any events.

I don't know what to do. Do people disaffiliate for reasons like that? I just don't feel like the situation will get better if I give it more time. People already have their groups, and I feel like they only become more set in stone as time goes on.

Any ideas/advice/has anyone experienced this?

[bejazd]

I think everyone in a sorority has experienced that feeling you're having right now at some time during their membership. You just got initiated. You have a lifetime of experiences and sisterhood moments yet to come! You owe it to yourself to give it your best effort.

The more you don't go to events, the more disconnected you are going to feel to this group. You have to show interst in others to get them interested in you. So get yourself there with a good attitude and decide you're going to have fun and get to know just one sister better at the next event.

The next week, get to know just one more sister. The third week, make an effort to meet two new sisters.

I didn't like eating dinner at the chapter house- it was usually spaghetti or yummy chicken or something like that. So I purposely scheduled my job so I had to work, and would arrive just as dinner was wrapping up. In retrospect now I realize I would have been much closer to more sisters in the chapter had I sucked it up and gone to dinner every week! That was a time to talk and get to know people, and I kinda blew it for myself! Lucky for me my closest pledge sister and my boyfriend pushed me to go to practically everything else...and y'know what...I made an effort, and ended up with three little sisters I adored!

[Tippiechick]

Just quit.

If you aren't feeling it, don't waste their time or yours.

[33girl]

You've only been an active member for a matter of weeks, if you don't count summer. Bonds are not made overnight. Give it another semester and if you still feel uncomfy, you can disaffiliate.

If you keep skipping events, that won't help at all. Obviously you won't feel close to anyone if you're never around them.

They might think you can't be involved because of your illness - it might help if you stood up at chapter meeting and said exactly what it entails. People might be wary of asking you to be on committees and such because they don't want you to overextend yourself. I mean, if you're sick you're sick, but don't use it as an excuse.

[Kevin]

You join these organizations for life. If you drop out now, you might regret that decision for a long, long time. You never know when your affiliation might come in handy.

That said, if your health is up to it, try to take some sort of project on, join some committees, join some sort of organized activities with other members which necessitate you being in smaller groups. Sometimes, you have to put yourself out there like that to make friends. No matter how well new member programs are put together, they can't succeed without some significant work on the part of the new members to become familiar with the organization.

I can see where it'd be tough with a pledge class of that size, but if you put yourself out there a little bit, somehow, I think you'll manage.

[AlethiaSi]

my organization has fewer girls total than your pledge class did! BUT no matter what, after seeing so many pledge classes go through, there is ALWAYS an awkward time after initiation. It takes time to settle in and make friends, yes it can be cliquey, (especially with sucha large group) but the best way to do this is to be around, and make an effort to join conversations.
Also, like 33girl said, girls might feel uncomfortable asking about your illness or asking you to do things for fear of overextending yourself, especially if they don't know you or what illness you have.
I would definitely make an effort to talk to one girl a week, see which "groups" you seem to enjoy the most. They wanted you there for a reason, don't forget that!

Also, when girls join and then don't participate, it makes me very sad, because in a way, I don't get an opportunity to get to know them, Imean, maybe with such a large group there isn't the same mentality, but you may just make some really great friends. If you REALLY aren't feeling it after another semester, inactivity/alumni status is possible, disaffiliation is very extreme, but see how you feel after you give it some more time.

[Katmandu]

Originally Posted by katie4480

Most girls knew several other girls in the PC, and I've found it very hard to make friends.......

It's gotten to the point where it's so uncomfortable to be there that I just want to disaffiliate. ...I just feel so sad knowing I have all these events (chapter, socials, recruitment meetings) to go to and have no one to go with and just have to sit by myself until all the chairs fill up and someone has to sit with me. ... I just can't seem to break into any of the circles or get more than a "hey."

First of all, Katie4480, I am so sorry you feel physically unwell, and as a result, distant and/or excluded from your chapter. College academics plus physical issues, plus adjustment to a large sorority equals a lot on your plate right now.

Only you can decide if you should sever your ties with the group, but I would encourage you to stick it out for a while longer. Your membership is for life, and many of us have found alumni membership very fulfilling--you would be giving that option up as well if you disaffiliate.

With such large pledge classes, the make up, atmosphere and corporate personality of a sorority changes with each year and each new member class. You may find that recruitment brings so many new opportunities for you in the coming year. Look upon recruitment as an opportunity to seek out sisters you will enjoy working with and sharing your life with. It is not uncommon for women to find their closest sisters, not in the classes above them, or even in their own pledge class (sorry the new terminology is hard for me to incorporate!) but in the groups yet to come.

Think of it this way--your experience will make you extremely sensitive to the new members coming in who may feel a bit overwhelmed, lonely, or "on the outside" after recruitment is over.

Your experience may make you the best big sis in the house next year, and you may find that your whole experience of the chapter changes. In my house, it was a funny thing.... it seemed that freshmen and juniors were always particularly close.... There was something about that two year age gap that just clicked with many of us, both up and down the ranks and I have so many great memories, not only of my friendships with the women older than I was, but most especially with the women I helped rush, educate and assimilate into the group.

Good luck! I'll be pulling for you.

[Fleur de Lis]

I know a lot of us have felt the way you do when we were new(er) members.

I would recommend at least waiting out this year. Maybe after recruitment, the new member class will be a better fit. Offer to come to the new member retreat or another event and get to know them a little. Consider running for a leadership position or something where you will work with a smaller group and get exposure. Tell the membership chair you want to help with recruitment. Participate in a greek sing or some other fun competition which will be fun and bonding. I found my niche by living with some sisters I didn't know that well, and we ended up having a great year.

This is not meant to be harsh but a fact of life: people are attracted to individuals that have something to offer. If you're a brand new sister and already skipping events and considering disaffiliating, why would they invest in your friendship? I'm not saying be fake, but if you go to these functions being the best "you" you can be, I think people will start to notice.

Don't give up - this is an emotionally draining experience, but it won't be any different in a team, club, religious org, etc. You just have to keep putting yourself out there! Good luck!

[skylark]

You need to make sure you are being yourself -- try to hide the "woe is me" attitude and don't sit down in a chair all by yourself. Instead, purposely sit with other girls even if it is uncomfortable at first. Another direction to take is maybe you could try to see if you can bond with some of the newer members this year. Just because you haven't met girls you click with in your own pledge class doesn't mean you can't bond with other people in your sorority.

[violetpretty]

Originally Posted by Katmandu

It is not uncommon for women to find their closest sisters, not in the classes above them, or even in their own pledge class ... but in the groups yet to come.

So true! I was actually closest with my family and the younger pledge classes instead of my own pledge class. New members will definitely be responsive to someone who reaches out to them. Like others have said, you're going to feel isolated until you put out the effort, and it will be like that if it is a club, intramural team, religious group, whatever. There is still so much more potential for you to really be happy in your chapter, but remember you have to keep trying. Also, I like the idea of saying something at chapter meeting so that your sisters understand your situation.

[SydneyK]

Originally Posted by katie4480

People already have their groups, and I feel like they only become more set in stone as time goes on.

Then start building those relationships. Friendship isn't a one way street; if you don't put forth any effort, then it isn't just the other girls' fault that you're not close with anyone. If you can honestly say you've given it everything you've got, and you still don't have any friends in the chapter, then by all means, quit. But if you haven't even tried... well, you can figure it out.

[adpiucf]

Give the sorority another try this fall. Often new bonds and friendships are formed during recruitment.

Make an effort to come around this fall. Take a little sister. Get involved in non-sorority organizations on campus and encourage your sisters to join, too. You will make friends this way, both with the sorority members who have a common interest in the organization, as well as new non-Greek friends who may become potential sisters!

Everyone has issues with their chapter, and the grass always seems greener at the house next door. It really just comes down to making the effort-- take on a leadership position in the chapter or plan an activity for the chapter or a group of sisters.

If your illness flares up to the point where you are unable to be in school, this would justify going inactive. So would an unforseen financial inactivity.

Membership is not something you can activate and de-activate at will. Either you are a member, you are a member experiencing an unforseen medical or financial hardship (temporary inactivity for the school year), or you are not a member at all (you voluntarily relinquish your rights to be a sister forever).

Make the effort and decide what is important to you. If you are not enjoying the chapter anymore by Winter Break, then make sure you are paid up, write a letter (dated) to the chapter president, CC the chapter adviser, and cancel your membership. You will no longer be a sister, and have no further financial or time committment to the sorority. You can't wear sorority letters ever again, claim membership in ABC or rush another sorority. So make sure you are certain this is what you want to do.

Good luck!

[Tom Earp]

It may seem strange, but if you make yourself phycosamatic(SP), it will effect your health because of what you think.

The Chapter must have thought well enough of you to be initiated or you would not be there.

Make a bigger effort. You make friends and Sisters or you do not.

It is not up to them, it is up to you. If they feel like you are not interested, they will not be interested in you.

[lauralaylin]

I definitely felt the same way you do when I first joined. I missed all the nm stuff because I worked, so I was definitely the odd person out. It never occurred to me that I could drop out, so what I did was move into the house, take a position, and take a little. I forced myself to get involved, and it definitely worked. I made friends and felt much more comfortable as time went on.

[AlwaysSAI]

Ditto what everyone else has said here!!!

I was initiated as an SAI on April 29, 2006. I am just now beginning to feel like I am apart of a whole sisterhood and not just the SAIs I'm close with and I'm talking about almost a year and a half.

I was one of those members that was at every single meeting and every single event I could make it to, but I was still having trouble with connecting with girls. For a long time, I blamed it on the fact that 95% of our chapter are music majors, but then I realized that I wasn't really putting myself out there. I wasn't really sharing myself with these girls, so why would they share themselves with me.

Needless to say, I took a little whom I got extremely close with, moreso because she threw herself at me. She called me all the time, invited me to stuff, shared things with me and we just bonded. She has really helped me to come out of my shell and connect more with my sisters. I think I learned more about sisterhood from my little than she did from me, but she would never know that. (She thinks I was the greatest big everrrrr!)

I would say, give it time. Much more time. And, like others have said-get in there and get involved. I feel so much closer to the sisters on exec because we have that one hour, just us to hang out and talk. And, while it's just about SAI stuff it has still made me see more of who they are.

If you get sick or have to work (as I do), there's not really much you can do about it. But, put yourself out there! They are your sisters and I'm certain that you will find meaningful friendships within it.