Unsure about continuing...

chocoholic1113 · #1 12-24-2010, 03:48 AM

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knight_shadow · #2 12-24-2010, 04:13 AM

Why can't you talk to your big?

chocoholic1113 · #3 12-24-2010, 04:44 AM

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excelblue · #4 12-24-2010, 06:15 AM

You need to talk more to your big and get to the bottom of this. If she doesn't have a good answer, you need to get one out of her. Instead of casually talking to her, ask her to grab coffee or something and say that you have concerns and need a talk.

If that doesn't work, it's time to talk to your member educator and possibly even the president.

This type of stuff really depends on some very specific things about you and your sorority, hence why you cannot get a good answer out of a message board. The only people who can give you a good answer are the ones who both you and the sorority very well.

Alumiyum · #5 12-24-2010, 06:19 AM

Most members feel like they are not connected with their chapter/pledge class at some point during their time as actives. That's not abnormal and it shouldn't be a deal-breaker.

Take into consideration that you are not supposed to be BFF with everyone in the chapter. Your big's response might not be what you were looking for, but it's key. If you are uncomfortable around alcohol, find others that don't drink. In the meantime, make every effort to be outgoing and get to know other members. Those girls in your pledge class aren't drinking 24/7 right? Find activities to share that don't include alcohol. Invite a couple of them to your dorm room to study for a class you have together, go see a movie, go shopping. Find ways to interact outside of parties. And keep in mind that for many people, freshman year is their wildest. The parties and the drinking are new and novel, but as everyone gets older and starts taking more difficult classes, they'll start to calm down. (And I can tell you that from personal experience.)

Also take into consideration that it's not just about having fun. That's important when you're a collegian, but your years as an active are 4 out of your entire lifetime of membership. I personally only had a couple of close friends during my years as an active in my own chapter. Most of my best friends were in other sororities, and most of the people in my pledge class that I felt the closest to didn't stay. I did not feel connected to the majority of the girls in the chapter after my first semester...and I'm still 100% satisfied with my collegiate experience.

Try to find ways to help yourself, but you can always go back to your big and explain how serious the situation is to you and ask her to point you towards some people that you might have more in common with. There is an entire chapter of girls outside of your pledge class.

ETA: Don't let this rob you of a good experience. I promise that many of these girls will learn that you don't have to drink to have a good time, and sooner than you think. Let your big and (if you feel comfortable doing so) your new member coordinator know you're considering dropping so that they understand that it's a serious situation. But try to see past this first semester. Unless the chapter as a whole is generally far too interested in alcohol, you'll be fine.

Barbie's_Rush · #6 12-24-2010, 09:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chocoholic1113

I rushed in September not really knowing anything about sororities, and ended up accepting a bid. I was so excited at the time and really thought it was perfect, but as I’ve gone on I’m very unsure about continuing. I hardly know anyone in my pledge class (and they all seem to be best friends) and I don’t party which a lot of girls do and so I feel out of the loop. I’m still not initiated (it’s in a few weeks) but I just don’t feel like I belong, I feel so different from all of the other girls! I really like my big but don’t think I can really talk to her about this…Can anyone offer any advice or experiences they’ve had?

Everyone in your pledge class is best friends and there isn't a single non-drinker? Unless you have a teeny pledge class, I doubt this is the case. You need to make an effort to get to know everyone.

tootiepie2 · #7 12-24-2010, 10:13 AM

My daugter had a very hard time connecting her freshman year. There were some outside factors that kept her from getting involved. The second semester she got involved in a few activities such as step contest and song fest and got a little closer to the girls but still felt like quitting in May. She talked to her new member educator and the president and a few others who convinced her to stay. This year she is having a blast. She became very close to several girls during rush. Spending 2 weeks, 24/7 with the girls helped her to find some girls that she really felt comfortble with. Now she going to live with a few next year and is so glad she did not quit. You really should try and stay, things change so much after freshman year.

DeltaBetaBaby · #8 12-24-2010, 12:33 PM

Let me also say that not everyone is close with her big. Mine can't stand me, to this day. Are there any other older members in the chapter with whom you feel a connection? Perhaps there is a pledge trainer or someone like that who you have gotten to know. I know it may seem like a hard thing to do, but if you can talk to her one on one, it may help.

33girl · #9 12-24-2010, 12:38 PM

Not sure if this applies to you, but there is a difference between being a non-drinker who doesn't make a big deal of it and one who DOES.

If you're going to always see the fact that other people drink and you don't as a dealbreaker in a friendship, if you go to mixers or parties and stand around miserable in a corner while others are drinking and being festive, if it makes you THAT uncomfortable to be around (I'm assuming) underage drinking and you think it's morally wrong, you should probably resign.

I drank a bit (well, a big bit) in college. One of my best friends was a girl who drank maybe one wine cooler all night, if that. It has nothing to do with what we had/have in common and who we are. (We're still close friends 25 years later.) She also chose NOT to make an issue of it or judge others.

You can be a gregarious, fun, popular person and NEVER drink a drop of alcohol. It's all in how you handle it. If you're going to look at it as a handicap, others will too.

ThetaPrincess24 · #10 12-24-2010, 12:41 PM

Does your chapter have housing? If your chapter has a facility that allows for members to live in, then I would highly encourage you to do so as soon as you are able. Living in the facility with other chapter members is a great way to bond and get to know other members in the chapter better. Many activities are also planned on the fly/last minute and living in the chapter facility helps you to be a part of that and not get left out. I would also encourage you to hang out here if you can between classes/when you have free time.

As a new member, I was a commuter. I had to put in extra effort to meet and get to know members of the chapter. I did that by going above & beyond what was required and hanging out on the chapter floor between & after classes. I got involved in an event we participated in called, AOII Lip Sync which required multiple practices per week to learn the routines and provided for an extra bonding experience with both my pledge class and older members. Intramural sports is another way to get involved & bond with both new & older members. If you dont play sports, show up and cheer for your sisters! They will appreciate it!

Dont be afraid to ask people to go out to eat with you, even if it just fast food or the campus cafeteria. Invite people to go shopping (I did this with several pledge class members my first semester and my big the following semesters to shop for different outfits we needed for different things). Does your chapter have a formal? Invite people to go dress shopping with you. Friendships & sisterhood is not instant. It forms over time and takes effort.

ThetaPrincess24 · #11 12-24-2010, 12:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 33girl

Not sure if this applies to you, but there is a difference between being a non-drinker who doesn't make a big deal of it and one who DOES.

If you're going to always see the fact that other people drink and you don't as a dealbreaker in a friendship, if you go to mixers or parties and stand around miserable in a corner while others are drinking and being festive, if it makes you THAT uncomfortable to be around (I'm assuming) underage drinking and you think it's morally wrong, you should probably resign.

I drank a bit (well, a big bit) in college. One of my best friends was a girl who drank maybe one wine cooler all night, if that. It has nothing to do with what we had/have in common and who we are. (We're still close friends 25 years later.) She also chose NOT to make an issue of it or judge others.

You can be a gregarious, fun, popular person and NEVER drink a drop of alcohol. It's all in how you handle it. If you're going to look at it as a handicap, others will too.

This is great advice as well, not just while you are in college but in life in general as you will encounter this kind of scenario in multiple settings.

kddani · #12 12-24-2010, 12:47 PM

I wonder what efforts the OP has made, as opposed to waiting for a) everyone to come to her or b) to be magically instantly bosom buddies with each.

chocoholic1113 · #13 12-24-2010, 02:14 PM

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33girl · #14 12-24-2010, 02:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chocoholic1113

I've made efforts to be at the house to get to know people but it just kind of stinks because every one of our socials and some of our sisterhoods have been on nights I've had chemistry tests, so I haven't been able to go to any!

Well, that makes a lot more sense. It's not the alcohol that's "bonding" the other girls, it's going to the events that you haven't been to.

Hopefully your next semester schedule will be better and prevent that from happening again. It wouldn't hurt if you have an open comments time at your meetings to stand up and say "I know I haven't been around a lot, but now I'm done with my chem class from hell and I'll finally get to spend more time with everyone. I can't wait!" When someone publicly acknowledges their lack of involvement (whether it was under their control or not) and resolves to remedy the issue it goes a long way towards building goodwill.

Good luck!!

ScarletBlueGold · #15 12-24-2010, 03:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chocoholic1113

I've made efforts to be at the house to get to know people but it just kind of stinks because every one of our socials and some of our sisterhoods have been on nights I've had chemistry tests, so I haven't been able to go to any!

It's always been habit in our Chapter for us to hold our Brotherhood events on Friday afternoons/Friday evenings. Almost every pledge would come to everyone one except for one guy. We thought he just didn't like hanging out with us, but he finally approached us and let us know he kept missing the Brotherhood events because he was working (at Subway).

So last semester we made our weekly Brotherhood event "Pledge Make Me a Sandwich Day" where we all visited him at his work. A little bit really went a long way, and we really got a great chance to bond with him.

Let your sisters know what you're going through and why you feel like you're going through it. Try to help them empathize with you, and I guarantee they will do something to help you out.