Dating within Co-ed Fraternity

mrex23 · #1 12-26-2014, 05:33 AM

I'm in APO now have a big. We got paired up based on questions and pretty much what they thought was most compatible. Now that I found out who my big is, we get along real well. I never really felt this much of a connection between someone before. I know that people look down on littles and bigs dating, but is it possible for me??

naraht · #2 12-26-2014, 06:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mrex23

I'm in APO now have a big. We got paired up based on questions and pretty much what they thought was most compatible. Now that I found out who my big is, we get along real well. I never really felt this much of a connection between someone before. I know that people look down on littles and bigs dating, but is it possible for me??

I'm an Alpha Phi Omega brother married to an Alpha Phi Omega brother from another chapter (I pledged in 1986, she pledged in 1993). However, there were certainly relationships within my chapter (and hers). "If you can't keep it in your pants, keep it in the fraternity.".

Having said that, the limitation that makes sense is to not have pledges and brothers *start* dating each other during the pledge period. (I've also seen BF/GF where one has pledged while the other was a brother, those are not the same)

Given that this is Winter Break, I'm assuming you are already a brother (the number of chapters that pledging stretches over winter break is pretty small). If you are both brothers, I simply don't see a problem.*

*I have seen one chapter where no romantic relationship was allowed between people who could be check co-signers on the chapter bank account.

Sen's Revenge · #3 12-26-2014, 09:42 AM

I agree with naraht.

As a matter of practice, keep the chapter out of your relationship business and keep your relationship out of chapter business.

I have seen too many relationships in APO crash, burn, and alienate participants because everyone took sides.

And I have seen ambitions of leadership thwarted because the chapter viewed the couple as a "package deal." If you are running for president and people don't like your partner, it could impact you.

So just keep all things separate. That advice goes for same sex couples in any organization as well as opposite sex couples in coed orgs.

Sister Havana · #4 12-26-2014, 05:21 PM

It seemed like half my APO chapter was dating each other when I was an active (many, many years ago). I briefly dated a brother from another chapter, and my little married a brother from another chapter. So it's not unheard of.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sen's Revenge

As a matter of practice, keep the chapter out of your relationship business and keep your relationship out of chapter business.

THIS! I couldn't agree with this more.

mrex23 · #5 12-27-2014, 03:12 AM

I'm actually still pledging. You are right that I'm on winter break right now. Unfortunately pledging doesn't end for me until mid-January so hold off on it until then? This person that I'm interested in is also my big so will that even be more weird? Thanks for everyones input!

Quote:

Originally Posted by naraht

I'm an Alpha Phi Omega brother married to an Alpha Phi Omega brother from another chapter (I pledged in 1986, she pledged in 1993). However, there were certainly relationships within my chapter (and hers). "If you can't keep it in your pants, keep it in the fraternity.".

Having said that, the limitation that makes sense is to not have pledges and brothers *start* dating each other during the pledge period. (I've also seen BF/GF where one has pledged while the other was a brother, those are not the same)

Given that this is Winter Break, I'm assuming you are already a brother (the number of chapters that pledging stretches over winter break is pretty small). If you are both brothers, I simply don't see a problem.*

*I have seen one chapter where no romantic relationship was allowed between people who could be check co-signers on the chapter bank account.

33girl · #6 12-27-2014, 11:57 PM

My big was my boyfriend (we were dating before I started pledging). In that situation, the question is always are you doing it for the person or because you really like the org. (I was the latter.)

In your case, though, I'd honestly hold off so no one thinks you have hidden motives.

naraht · #7 12-28-2014, 09:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mrex23

I'm actually still pledging. You are right that I'm on winter break right now. Unfortunately pledging doesn't end for me until mid-January so hold off on it until then? This person that I'm interested in is also my big so will that even be more weird? Thanks for everyones input!

Huh, after you initiate, please tell us the school. The only chapter that I've run into that runs pledging across the new year is Theta at University of Virginia, and I'm not even sure they do it anymore. The phrasing of your original question, I think implied we were talking about your big...

Dionysus · #8 12-30-2014, 05:06 AM

Stay away from the APOrgy.

naraht · #9 01-02-2015, 10:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dionysus

Stay away from the APOrgy.

Stay away from Dionysus.

mbatisah · #10 01-03-2015, 09:33 AM

This isn't really related to the OP's inquiry, but is marginally on-topic ... doesn't Delta Lambda Phi (LGBTQI fraternity) have a policy specifically against pledges and actives having sexual relations with each other?

This seems like a generally good policy regardless of the gender disposition of the house. In my own undergraduate chapter, which was a traditional single-gender house, we had no one who was "out" and in the setting of the day I can understand why (though, statistically, I'm sure there were one or two gay brothers). In these more open-minded times I would hope my house would not blink at the idea of pledging someone openly gay, though a policy to define the limits of interaction at least during the pledging period seems prudent.

mrex23 · #11 01-12-2015, 04:54 AM

Will keep you updated. Yeah, I am talking about my big. Will it be weird if I date her? She's really amazing... I don't know if she would want to date her little though... It might also be because pledging at APO they use terms. I go to a school that is on a quarter system instead of a semester system so that my be why

Quote:

Originally Posted by naraht

Huh, after you initiate, please tell us the school. The only chapter that I've run into that runs pledging across the new year is Theta at University of Virginia, and I'm not even sure they do it anymore. The phrasing of your original question, I think implied we were talking about your big...

Pingyang · #12 01-12-2015, 06:51 AM

I've known several chapters at schools on the quarter system and it's still relatively unusual for them to have pledging extend over winter break, just because of our National Pledging Standards.* But that's not relevant to your question. In the chapter I pledged, it wouldn't be an issue at all post-initiation. I've known big-little pairs that have gotten married, too. I don't know the culture of your specific chapter, so I can't say if it would be frowned upon there or not.

Were you friends with anyone else in the chapter before you pledged? If so, and if you think they could keep the information private, would you feel comfortable asking them about the situation? They might be able to provide a better answer for you, since they know the culture of that specific chapter. APO is a little different at every campus, so I just can't say how people might feel at your particular school. It was fine where I pledged, but that doesn't mean it's fine everywhere, and I don't want to give you incorrect information.

* I'm aware of one school that had a delay in starting their pledge program this quarter because of some changes to oversight of registered student organizations by Student Affairs. They didn't start pledging until mid-October, they had a week off at Thanksgiving, and Dead Week at that institution began December 1, so it wouldn't surprise me if they moved initiation to January, but I don't know that for certain. In glancing at some calendars just now, I found at least one other school that also looks like it has initiation after winter break, so it's not entirely unheard of...

naraht · #13 01-12-2015, 11:54 AM

The chapter I was thinking of is University of Virginia which according to their web page (www.apova.org) had its most recent rush running from October 26 to November 12. I don't see a schedule for when initiation is, but at most schools, you'd need a crowbar to wedge the shortest possible pledging in before Christmas, so I'm fairly sure they cross the Christmas break...

mrex23 · #14 01-17-2015, 02:28 AM

How do I go about telling her that I like her? Or I guess how could I show it without being weird. It could be potentially really weird if she doesn't like me that way. Apparently, we hang out much more than other bigs and little but that probably doesn't have to do with anything.

naraht · #15 01-17-2015, 07:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mrex23

How do I go about telling her that I like her? Or I guess how could I show it without being weird. It could be potentially really weird if she doesn't like me that way. Apparently, we hang out much more than other bigs and little but that probably doesn't have to do with anything.

*That's* an entirely different level of question, but you have at least until you become a brother to think about it.