The Monogamy Gap

DrPhil · #1 06-14-2012, 11:12 AM

http://www.oup.com/us/catalog/genera...=9780199777921

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...ality-cheating

*************

The book The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love, and the Reality of Cheating by Eric Anderson (2012) was mentioned on The View.

I consider this idea and the mere suggestion to be ridiculous.

What say you, GCers? Don't be scurred.

AlphaFrog · #2 06-14-2012, 11:40 AM

It is ridiculous.

For one, it appears to take all the free will and conscience decision making out of the equation. I know I've said it before, but love is a choice and not the tingling feeling that you get when you're physically attracted to someone.

Two, it's an excuse. Plain and simple. My dick made me do it. Grow up and man up and control your urges. You (hopefully) managed to control the natural urge to pee whenever the mood strikes and save it for the appropriate place, do the same with your sexual urges.

MysticCat · #3 06-14-2012, 12:10 PM

Super ridiculous.

AOII Angel · #4 06-14-2012, 01:39 PM

Hmmm...interesting. He has a point, but I think he describes a type. Not all men are this way, but there are certainly men (and women) who fit the bill. The fact that 78% of the people he interviewed reported feeling this way does not tell us anything other than that he has a selection bias.

AGDee · #5 06-14-2012, 06:45 PM

I would like to know the ages of the men he interviewed.

ETA: Found a link that rebuts his research and says he interviewed 18-22 year olds with a focus on soccer players. That explains a few things.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2012...nderson-review

DDDlady · #6 06-14-2012, 06:47 PM

From one of the reviews:
"Anderson closes with his solution to negotiating sexual and romantic urges: a sexually promiscuous, emotionally monogamous relationship."

My first thought upon reading that line was, "That sounds like a recipe for a lot of uncomfortable STD conversations". I honestly don't think a relationship like that would work anyway. I would think that each partner would always question if the other is really "emotionally monogamous" when they are sleeping with other people.

MaryPoppins · #7 06-14-2012, 06:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DDDlady

From one of the reviews:
"Anderson closes with his solution to negotiating sexual and romantic urges: a sexually promiscuous, emotionally monogamous relationship."

My first thought upon reading that line was, "That sounds like a recipe for a lot of uncomfortable STD conversations". I honestly don't think a relationship like that would work anyway. I would think that each partner would always question if the other is really "emotionally monogamous" when they are sleeping with other people.

From my experience as a divorce lawyer, those who dabble in "open" marriage with emotional monogamy eventually doubt their partner or fall for someone outside of the marriage.

As an interesting aside, every divorce I have handled that involved "swinging" came from the MOST conservative county in the entire Red State where I practice law. This same county just had the Republican Mayor of it's largest city come out as a gay man (yes, he has now been sued for divorce.) Ah the hypocrisy of it all . . . key parties and the like.

MysticCat · #8 06-14-2012, 08:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MaryPoppins

From my experience as a divorce lawyer . . . .

How did I miss knowing this about you?

Now I'm cracking up at the idea of Mary Poppins in a courtroom, pulling law books out of her carpet bag.

christiangirl · #9 06-14-2012, 08:31 PM

This sounds stupid.

I'm not saying no one thinks like this, but as some others said, it sounds like he's focused on a very limited population of men. Even some of the "myths" that were in the beginning of the second link made me raise on eyebrow because I know very few people who would believe any of those (which made me wonder who does and are they the only ones on whom he is focusing).

MaryPoppins · #10 06-14-2012, 08:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MysticCat

We were at the beach.
Everybody had matching towels.

Who would have ever thought we'd both be fans of the B-52s? Thetas are multifaceted women by definition.
'

MysticCat · #11 06-14-2012, 08:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MaryPoppins

Who would have ever thought we'd both be fans of the B-52s? Thetas are multifaceted women by definition.

Indeed they are.

And Rock Lobster = Best Party Song Ever.

Down.
Down.

Kevin · #12 06-14-2012, 09:41 PM

Every time I see someone writing their newfangled theories on love and romance and prescribing change, I just SMH. We'll always have a lot of successful and unsuccessful relationships. It totally depends on the person and their upbringing. As a divorce lawyer, working with my father, probably the biggest source of clients are the children/grandchildren of his former divorce clients. I don't think it has much to do with how the relationship is set up as much as the fact that some folks are good at monogamy and some aren't.

ASTalumna06 · #13 06-14-2012, 11:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kevin

I don't think it has much to do with how the relationship is set up as much as the fact that some folks are good at monogamy and some aren't.

This.

Everyone is different. But sadly, the one thing that remains the same is the pressure from family and friends to be in a relationship and get married. I'm 28. I'm not married, and I don't have any kids - and I'm happy with that - but everyone talks to me like I'm dying. "Aw, you're not married? Well don't worry.. I'm sure it'll happen for you soon." My boyfriend (who's pretty sure he never wants kids) is 27, and his mom is in "grandchild mode." He has 2 brothers, but for reasons I won't mention here, he's probably her best chance at having grandchildren.. And it drives him crazy that she talks about it constantly.

Some people cave in to the pressures, though.. Even if they're not ready. And speaking of not being ready.. I think age has a lot to do with it too. There are many people still getting married in their early 20s, and that can still be a big time for "finding yourself" and determining who you are and what you want. I know some people (guys especially) who were crazy in their early 20s, but by 30, they were ready for a monogamous relationship, and they were willing to settle down. Sometimes, it just comes down to timing.

And if someone was never able to "explore" and date many different people, and they get married young, or have been in a 6-year relationship that started in high school, they might one day wonder, "what did I miss out on?" .. Which could lead them to try and find out.

But again.. Everyone is different.

PiKA2001 · #14 06-15-2012, 04:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

Hmmm...interesting. He has a point, but I think he describes a type. Not all men are this way, but there are certainly men (and women) who fit the bill. The fact that 78% of the people he interviewed reported feeling this way does not tell us anything other than that he has a selection bias.

From what I read it seems like he interviewed English men so I wonder if it's more culturally based? I'd say about 60-70% of the guys I know have cheated on a partner at one time or another, more so here in TX than in MI. There just doesn't seem to be much stigma about infidelity with the guys down here. I've had some people that I'm not very close with either brag about cheating on their wife to even asking me if they could use my place to bring their "dates" to since I live alone. Seriously...

MaryPoppins · #15 06-15-2012, 06:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PiKA2001

I've had some people that I'm not very close with either brag about cheating on their wife to even asking me if they could use my place to bring their "dates" to since I live alone. Seriously...

Yeeee-ucck!