The Monogamy Gap

[Kevin]

Every time I see someone writing their newfangled theories on love and romance and prescribing change, I just SMH. We'll always have a lot of successful and unsuccessful relationships. It totally depends on the person and their upbringing. As a divorce lawyer, working with my father, probably the biggest source of clients are the children/grandchildren of his former divorce clients. I don't think it has much to do with how the relationship is set up as much as the fact that some folks are good at monogamy and some aren't.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by Kevin

I don't think it has much to do with how the relationship is set up as much as the fact that some folks are good at monogamy and some aren't.

This.

Everyone is different. But sadly, the one thing that remains the same is the pressure from family and friends to be in a relationship and get married. I'm 28. I'm not married, and I don't have any kids - and I'm happy with that - but everyone talks to me like I'm dying. "Aw, you're not married? Well don't worry.. I'm sure it'll happen for you soon." My boyfriend (who's pretty sure he never wants kids) is 27, and his mom is in "grandchild mode." He has 2 brothers, but for reasons I won't mention here, he's probably her best chance at having grandchildren.. And it drives him crazy that she talks about it constantly.

Some people cave in to the pressures, though.. Even if they're not ready. And speaking of not being ready.. I think age has a lot to do with it too. There are many people still getting married in their early 20s, and that can still be a big time for "finding yourself" and determining who you are and what you want. I know some people (guys especially) who were crazy in their early 20s, but by 30, they were ready for a monogamous relationship, and they were willing to settle down. Sometimes, it just comes down to timing.

And if someone was never able to "explore" and date many different people, and they get married young, or have been in a 6-year relationship that started in high school, they might one day wonder, "what did I miss out on?" .. Which could lead them to try and find out.

But again.. Everyone is different.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

And if someone was never able to "explore" and date many different people, and they get married young, or have been in a 6-year relationship that started in high school, they might one day wonder, "what did I miss out on?" .. Which could lead them to try and find out.

But again.. Everyone is different.

I've been seeing so much of this. Most of the people I know from HS who got married without going to college, or even living on their own, are divorced. Most were divorced by the time they were 25. There's a lot to be said for exploring the outside world and making sure you don't miss out on a lot of awesome experiences and people.

It's been my experience that women succumb to the early marriage pressure more than men do, and they're the ones who end up wondering what they missed out on and experimenting.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

I've been seeing so much of this. Most of the people I know from HS who got married without going to college, or even living on their own, are divorced. Most were divorced by the time they were 25. There's a lot to be said for exploring the outside world and making sure you don't miss out on a lot of awesome experiences and people.

It's been my experience that women succumb to the early marriage pressure more than men do, and they're the ones who end up wondering what they missed out on and experimenting.

Then they end up being 25/26/27 and sort of "socially stunted" if you will, because they didn't get to do what most of us were doing at 19/20/21, and are trying to do it now.

Example: A girl I went to HS with got married at 19 and had a kid. She got divorced recently at 26.

Her Facebook is all "OMMGGGGG kegstands/kissing randoms/jello shotz" with her 21 year old co-workers.

Why? Because she missed out the no responsibilities partying time that my friends and I have already had at 20. While we were having fun, she was being a parent. So she's trying to live that now, with an 8 year old kid. And it's tacky.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

Then they end up being 25/26/27 and sort of "socially stunted" if you will, because they didn't get to do what most of us were doing at 19/20/21, and are trying to do it now.

Example: A girl I went to HS with got married at 19 and had a kid. She got divorced recently at 26.

Her Facebook is all "OMMGGGGG kegstands/kissing randoms/jello shotz" with her 21 year old co-workers.

Why? Because she missed out the no responsibilities partying time that my friends and I have already had at 20. While we were having fun, she was being a parent. So she's trying to live that now, with an 8 year old kid. And it's tacky.

Fun doesn't end when you have kids. I know happily married parents that do these things occasionally (except the kissing randoms). If she wants to go out and do those things, and does them with people who keep her safe, fine - better that she gets her yayas out than sits at home resenting her child. I find people who desert longtime friends and make their husbands a distant #2 after they have children far "tackier."