Disappointed mom

[33girl]

Originally Posted by sail100

I have seen their social calendar and it is really lacking. They have few activites, and they basically don't have any mixers. Greek life is big at her campus, and most sorority calendars are packed with many social activities.

Maybe your daughter's a big old LEZZZZZZBIAN and has zero interest in going to fraternity mixers!!

Welcome to GC

[NutBrnHair]

I recall hearing a friend of mine from Mississippi say:

"My daughters both pledged Chi Omega, made their debut and married doctors."

[KappaKittyCat]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Maybe your daughter's a big old LEZZZZZZBIAN and has zero interest in going to fraternity mixers!!

Hey, I was in the "lesbian chapter," and we had lots of fun. It was just fun that most others didn't understand.

[gee_ess]

One point that should be made regarding the OP is that parents, in general, want their children to achieve. And achievement is based on our definition of the word. We want our children to walk, talk in complete sentences at the earliest possible time, potty train with minimal problems, get good grades, make good friends(the right friends), choose a good major, marry a good person, etc. And all of those achievements can be very subjective - just what makes a good person? a good major? etc.

Anyone who has raised children will tell you that this is true - in varying degrees. What most parents come to realize eventually is that finding out what constitutes "good" for your child may differ from another child (even in your own family). Coming to terms with who your child is and what makes them thrive,succeed, satisfied happens to parents at different times.

It sounds to me like the OP has not really come to terms with who her daughter is and what actually makes her happy, but it may be happening now as the daughter insists that she is happy with her choice.

Add to that the Southern factor (and I know of what she speaks) and you can see how hard it has been for her to realize what is best for her daughter. Here is what she hears back home:

"What did Marybeth pledge at State?"
""XYZ. She is really happy with her choice."

can be equated with this,

"What is Marybeth up to now?"
"Marybeth flunked out of college and is working as a cleaning lady at the local dept store. But we are really happy she is happy."


Please don't bash. It is fact. I sympathize with her because I know she is dealing with lots of issues - and she needs to work on them for her daughter's sake. This is, no doubt, a good thing for her daughter and she should celebrate it not feel discouraged. I hope it can be a turning point for them both.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by BadCat25

I assume Disappointed Mom lives in the South and unless you do you will never understand how she feels. The social pressure down there for your daughter to join a top chapter is huge and the total bummer for her to join a low tier chapter let alone God forbid be a GDI. When I was in HS one of my friends older sister had a rush disaster and everyone treated it like it was the end of the world. Like I said, if you are not from the South you will never understand.

This is kind of irrelevant.

Whether you're from the north, south, east, west, or anywhere else in the entire world, you should support your child's decisions and leave them be if they're happy.

The only way I can see the OP getting involved/needing to be concerned is if this sorority was hazing her daughter, was into heavy drugs/drinking, etc., etc. You get the point.

If this is simply a sorority with a smaller chapter and a sparse social calendar, and her daughter is happy, then SHE SHOULD BE HAPPY FOR HER. And that applies no matter which state you live in.

[BadCat25]

I am not saying I agree with it but as a Southern girl I am just trying to tell you how so many people in the South feel. My local newspaper lists the rush results for the local girls and it is a big topic of conversation. I go to college in the North and my university has deferred rush. The women in the local Panhell association were bugging my mom to let them know how my rush went so they could put it in the paper. When it was published a lot of her friends called her with congratulations. It was like this was more important than the fact that I was going to a very highly ranked university, only that I made ABC. My mom, by the way, thinks this is so stupid. She didn't care if I joined a sorority or not.

[Benzgirl]

Originally Posted by gee_ess

Please don't bash. It is fact. I sympathize with her because I know she is dealing with lots of issues - and she needs to work on them for her daughter's sake. This is, no doubt, a good thing for her daughter and she should celebrate it not feel discouraged. I hope it can be a turning point for them both.

One word....Therapy!

I expect that the daughter will become very successful in whatever she does, and will be happy. It's absolutely devistating to get cut from your favorites, but D has worked to overcome those obstacles. She will be the fighter in the family.

As for bottom tier vs. top tier. When I was in school, there was a chapter (XYZ) who was considered the very bottom tier of all sororities and had the fewest members. A few years after I graduated, they recolonized. Guess what? They are currently one of the top tier sororities at the school. FWIW...two of the girls from that chapter are now doctors; I know of at least one lawyer and two that have their PhDs and do research.

Mom, your D is now an Adult and you need to realize that what the daughter wants is not your choice. Give yourself credit for one thing...your daughter finds beauty in things that are not superficial. Many girls this age can't look at the big picture. I would be thrilled to have a daughter like your's.

[Benzgirl]

Originally Posted by BadCat25

I am not saying I agree with it but as a Southern girl I am just trying to tell you how so many people in the South feel. My local newspaper lists the rush results for the local girls and it is a big topic of conversation. I go to college in the North and my university has deferred rush. The women in the local Panhell association were bugging my mom to let them know how my rush went so they could put it in the paper. When it was published a lot of her friends called her with congratulations. It was like this was more important than the fact that I was going to a very highly ranked university, only that I made ABC. My mom, by the way, thinks this is so stupid. She didn't care if I joined a sorority or not.

Oh, how I wish your mom could "spread the love".

I know in the south that sorority life is the be-all-end-all and thought to be the ticket to society, but it seems like many of these women (people) live in a bubble. What would they do if hubby lost the plantation and they had to move (gasp) to an "unrefined" area of the country where their chapter was considered bottom tier? Of course, most of the rest of the country either doesn't care or realizes that chapters can differ from campus to campus.

[ForeverRoses]

Originally Posted by NutBrnHair

I recall hearing a friend of mine from Mississippi say:

"My daughters both pledged Chi Omega, made their debut and married doctors."

I think I would have been much more impressed if the friend had said "My daughters both pledged Chi Omega, made their debut and BECAME doctors"

[SeXi~Fuzzy~F.06]

Originally Posted by sail100

My daughter went through rush this fall. I didn't expect her to go through, and since she's a bit on the shy side I really didn't encourage it knowing how stressful and heartbreaking it can be. Background - we live in a very competitive region of the country and live in a small town, and she knew only a few girl going to this college who are in sororities. Although she's very cute, she's never been obsessed about style and makeup; probably because she is the only daughter in a family of several boys. I tried to do what I could to help her have a successful rush based on my past experinece - nice clothes and accessories, mani/pedi, conversational coaching, makeup, etc. but I knew it would be very tough. To say she was cut heavily would be an understatment. By round two she only got invited back to two parties (I won't say how many different sororities there are at her campus other than it's in the double digits). These two were the bottom of the barrel reputation wise. At this point I tried to get her to drop out, maybe make some friends during the semester and try for spring rush or again next fall. Yes, it would have limited her choices, but she could at least have had a chance for some others. She refused to drop out. Pref night she was down to one party and received a bid to the smallest house on campus. She accepted and is in her pledge period.

She seems ok with it, but I'm going to come right out and say it even though I may get a lot of angry comments. I'm embarassed for her. I really don't even want to tell my friends what she pledged because I can tell they are shocked. It is common knowledge in our state, among those knowledgeable of Greek life at this university, that this house is the absolute bottom. They rarely make quota and constantly have to COR as well as spring rush. I have seen their social calendar and it is really lacking. They have few activites, and they basically don't have any mixers. Greek life is big at her campus, and most sorority calendars are packed with many social activities.

I guess this is so upsetting because I know exactly how much fun being in a sorority can be. I was in a sorority(not this school) that was considered very solid. Every rush we got many of the girls we wanted, we had mixers with great fraternities, my fellow sisters were the campus movers and shakers. I was so proud to wear my letters. To this day it still means something in our state to say I'm an "XYZ". I'm afraid she'll eventually figure this all out and realize she made a huge mistake. I want to encourage her to drop out before initiation and a commitment is made. Time is running out. I would like some advice from any moms who have been in my shoes - feel free to PM me, as I understand this is a sensitive topic.

Okay, 1. What a BITCH comment!

2. When I joined greek life in Fall 2006, my sorority had 22 members and was known at the "Fat Fuzzies", and everyone else had ceiling... Now we have ceiling, and half the other sororities were on probabtion and lost TONS of members. So being small with a bad/no-reputation is not a valid arguement. We have done a 180 in 2 years.

3. My sorority DOES Informal/COBs/What-ever-you-call-it after informal each fall, and we do Spring Informal Recruitment too. And, finally, when we do it this spring it will be invite only instead of open-house, just so we can keep our numbers up and keep girls interested!

4. Its not up to you to tell people whats going on in anyone's life but yours. So butt out of your daughters... If you're ashamed of her chapter, then buck up and act your age! Go to their events, and get to know the girls... They may not have a pristine reputation, but who's to say they're not the sweetest and most loyal girls?

And lastly, a commitment WAS made when she signed her bid... How would it feel 3 years from now when she thinks back? "Man, I wish I didn't ruin my only shot at Greek Life because I listened to my bitter mother, who was trying to re-live her life through me..."

Delete the post! And get over yourself... Your college years are history, support your daughter through hers! Don't try to change her! If my father or stepmother tried this 2 years ago, I would have stood up for myself and my chapter... Even if I would have been kicked out of my home, whatever... This is uncalled for!

Ps. Was your sorority in Panhel? Because if so, I hope you were the worst sister in your chapter. You are an epic fail in the eyes of Greek Life. Learn to be Panhellenic, and swallow your tongue when you think otherwise of ANY other sorority... Whether it's National or Local!

[ASTalumna06]

This whole conversation about "top" and "bottom" tiers was talked about in depth in another thread not too long ago, and I think the whole thing to be ridiculous.

As was mentioned in that thread, SORORITIES ARE DIFFERENT AT EVERY SCHOOL. And besides that, many times, after you graduate, you find out that your sorority is very different from what you may have originally thought. As an alumnae member, you get to travel outside that little bubble that is your college campus, and you have the option to help on a higher level. You find out what your sorority truly does, the magnitude of what they accomplish, and you find out that at that point, no one cares about tiers.

It might be different in the south, but guess what, before you know it, this whole thing will start to die down. Your daughter will settle in to her sorority, and she'll be off in her own world. Who knows, maybe she already is. Don't encourage her to drop out of the new member program if she doesn't want to. Let her go. These are the 4 years of her life that will mold and shape her into an adult and the last thing that you want to do is to take away that feeling of belonging that she now has. Especially if it's only because of what your friends might think.

The best advice that I can give to any sorority member is to go to Convention! Encourage your daughter to go. Even if it's just one time. I know for me it was an eye-opening experience, and it was the best look I've had into what it truly means to be in a sorority. And there, no one cares where you're from, because you're all sisters, and at that point, that's the only thing that matters.

Just remember, the whole point of sorority recruitment is to encourage women to "go GREEK". Not to "join the top tier sorority so that their parents and their friends will approve".

[gee_ess]

No one is denying that chapter strengths vary from school to school. Some on here are just trying to point out WHY this mother is feeling the depth of disappointment that she is feeling. Everyone on GC knows that sorority life is much more than the collegiate years, and I imagine that mom does too. The fact remains that she is dealing with a situation that many others cannot relate to because they don't know the local culture. She came to GC from that mentality and thought she would find others who understood her situation. Some do, some don't. I admit, it is hard to wrap your brain around - but it is a fact.

I do believe that she has taken many of the comments on here to heart (per some of her other posts) and is working on accepting her(the mom's) flaws and trying to be the mom she needs to be for her daughter. (at least I can hope!)

[srmom]

Lets say that Daughter joins a "lower tier" chapter in college, however she ends up going to a top law school and ends up working for one of the top law firms in NYC (or something equally lucrative). Does a mother STILL feel she failed at raising her? If so, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

It depends on who she marries TOTALLY just kidding!!!!

I didn't check in all weekend, but after reading the OP and subsequent posts, I think this is a hoax. I mean come on, what mom would post that? If there is someone who actually would put in writing on the internet those personal and painful feelings (to both her and her daughter), I'll eat my hat...

I live in the south, in a very competitive area, where the first question at mom's happy hours in September is, "Where did your daughter/son pledge?"

Very often, the story that is told is about a sad rush experience (not everyone's kid is going to pledge a "top house"), and NOONE is judgemental. Noone tsks and speaks behind the back of the mom that she didn't raise Susie Q well enough to get in XYZ. This is ridiculous and a total charicature of a heli-southern-mom.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by Xidelt

Is this mom for real?

I tend to doubt it as well, but I'll play along.

Originally Posted by BadCat25

I assume Disappointed Mom lives in the South and unless you do you will never understand how she feels. . . . Like I said, if you are not from the South you will never understand.

Bless your heart.

Originally Posted by sail100

Yes this is the South, and some posters get it. It is really impossible to explain to those who don't live here. I remember going through rush in the 80's and how my roommate's best friend got cut from her legacy house and eventually was released from all houses. Her mother got countless condolence calls from her sorority alumnae as well as from her friends in other sororities.

And bless your heart, too.

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

Ok. so this is apparently a common sentiment in the South.

Originally Posted by UGAalum94

It is not a common sentiment in the south. In the south, the reputations of college chapters may play big in hometowns, but it's not normal or common for mothers to want daughters to drop chapters that the daughters are apparently happy in.

I think it's common or normal for mom's to feel disappointed when their daughters don't end up in the chapters that they want, but not to do what this mom is doing in terms of debating whether to encourage her daughter to drop before initiation.

It would be far more common for everyone to appreciate that mother and daughter might be disappointed, but to admire them more for supporting the chapter who actually wanted to offer membership to the girl.

Seriously, I've never seen a case in real life in which a mom remained ashamed of her daughter's chapter months after bid day.

Originally Posted by UGAalum94

But I tend to think the more authentically prominent you are, the less it matters. It's the social climbers who will be heartbroken.

Thank you!!!

Originally Posted by shadden

I have read the original e-mail several times, and just can't see why everyone sees her the absolute worst mom.

Because her post reads as though concern for her daughter is not the overriding matter here -- her own embarrassment is. I'm embarrassed for the mom.

[NutBrnHair]

Originally Posted by ForeverRoses

I think I would have been much more impressed if the friend had said "My daughters both pledged Chi Omega, made their debut and BECAME doctors"

I agree! Good one, ForeverRoses!