My Sorority Pledge? I Swore Off Sisterhood

[Low C Sharp]

Being stupid =/= it's her fault that she got raped.

Yes, she could have prevented it with better decision-making, although as I recall, date rape was NOT on the radar screen 20+ years ago the way it is today. I never saw any warnings back then, no mention of it in otherwise-comprehensive high school sex ed, nothing. But the upshot is that there's no statute saying that the proper penalty for clueless alcohol use is being raped.

The stories about women making the decision to have sex, regretting it the next day, and falsely accusing a man of rape are completely off-topic. The law is totally clear in every state of the union. If she was passed out and he had sex with her, that's rape. The article is perfectly clear, too; it says that she was passed out and "lost her virginity" in this incident. It's pretty stunning to connect a foolish victim, who only endangered herself, with the kind of selfish liar who'd ruin a man's life with a false accusation.

Yes, I made much better decisions than this in college. Yes, if I have a daughter, best believe she'll be educated about these risks. No, I don't want to spend my party time looking after stupid drunk people. But the author has paid for her mistakes a thousand times over. Nobody EVER deserves to be raped. Rape has a perpetrator, and there's no sharing of the blame for the crime. The blame's on the rapist.
________
Juicynka

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by Low C Sharp

Nobody EVER deserves to be raped. Rape has a perpetrator, and there's no sharing of the blame for the crime. The blame's on the rapist.

That's right...her sister's are not to blame for the rape, so why try to blame them in this article? Women of the world are not to blame for her rape, so why try to blame them for her experience? I understand she has a lot of baggage, but a lot of her anger seems misplaced. I wouldn't usually argue with a victim on how she deals with her pain, but she was very public about her fear of women and how this is affecting her daily life. If she were not a mother, I'd feel sorry for her and wish she'd get some help. As soon as she stated that she is the mother of two girls, she moves from the solitary victim to the potential cause of her own children's self hatred and distrust of women. She owes it to her daughters to overcome this problem. No one is pretending like this is going to be easy, and I completely understand that she has reasons to be scared, but those reasons can't justify scarring her children.

[Ch2tf]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

That's right...her sister's are not to blame for the rape, so why try to blame them in this article? Women of the world are not to blame for her rape, so why try to blame them for her experience? I understand she has a lot of baggage, but a lot of her anger seems misplaced.

I didn't think she blamed her sisters for the rape, but that as the few people in the world she would have looked to for support in the situation, she felt they turned their backs on her during a time in which she probably needed their support the most.

The bottom line is she suppressed her feelings for so long, thinking she got over them, and she hadn't. Now she should know that she should seek some therapy to address her issues, particularly as a mother of girls.

[TSteven]

From what the author wrote, she is not blaming her former sorority sisters for her rape. Nor from what I read is anyone else alluding that she is blaming her former sorority sisters for the rape. What she has said is that they failed to support her during her crisis.

And they not only failed to support me in crisis, they collectively kicked me as I lay in the gutter, judged me from under a veil of hypocrisy, then cast me out, leper-style. Their betrayal cut so deep that it has left me anxious and cowering to this day.

And where does she say she fears or hate women? I'm not even sure she is angry at women. She has a valid viewpoint based from a very real, very personal, and very painful situation. It may not be a popular one, but it is a view point that other GC posters have acknowledged as well.

I’ve found my fears about women’s covert competition and aggression to be frequently validated: the gossip, the comparisons, the withering critiques of career and mothering choices. We women swim in shark-infested waters of our own design. Often we don’t have a clue where we stand with one another — socially, as mothers, as colleagues — because we’re at once allies and foes.

No where does she say she is not getting help now or ever refused it. (Apologies, but I can not quote something that has not been said.) She point blank says she tried to find closure. So when or how did questioning a horrific life experience become the cause of self hating much less being the potential cause of her daughters' possible self hating?

I want to remain optimistic. After all, here I am with three daughters. What am I to teach them? Cautionary tales about men’s harmful proclivities abound. But how do we help our girls navigate the duplicitous female maze? How do we ensure that they behave authentically, respect humanity over fleeting alliances, and squash the nasty tribal instincts that can inflict lifelong distress.

Frankly, there is no cookie cutter approach to healing. As such, I applaud the author for her courage, her determination to remain optimistic, and her concern over the need to teach her daughters.

[SydneyK]

^^^ Every group of people can talk about the societal pressures applied to that group during childhood (and beyond). There are different societal expectations heaped upon everyone - girls, boys, whites, Muslims, Jews, etc... IMO, societal pressure has nothing to do with whether a mother has the potential to color her children's perceptions... of anything. Because we all know that she does indeed have that power. And so does the father. And so does the Jewish neighbor. And the Arab boy in Billy's class.

This woman, if nothing else, is conveying to me that she recognizes the perception-coloring potential she has over her children (or else she wouldn't bring up the fact that she has daughters), and that she's concerned that she doesn't know how to address it.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by SydneyK

^^^ Every group of people can talk about the societal pressures applied to that group during childhood (and beyond). There are different societal expectations heaped upon everyone - girls, boys, whites, Muslims, Jews, etc... IMO, societal pressure has nothing to do with whether a mother has the potential to color her children's perceptions... of anything. Because we all know that she does indeed have that power. And so does the father. And so does the Jewish neighbor. And the Arab boy in Billy's class.

This woman, if nothing else, is conveying to me that she recognizes the perception-coloring potential she has over her children (or else she wouldn't bring up the fact that she has daughters), and that she's concerned that she doesn't know how to address it.

I don't disagree with you, but I don't think I appreciate a man saying that a mother's open distrust of women won't affect the self-esteem of her daughters like he has any experience with what it is like to grow up as a woman constantly hearing this crap about women being evil, catty and unfeeling. I don't see that the woman does recognize the risk, especially when everything she said about women in her article perpetuates this idea that women are somehow broken and need to be more like men to have good relationships.

[UGAalum94]

And there's the title of the thread and article too.

"My sorority pledge? I swore off sisterhood." I supposed we can assume that she meant only the sororities sisters who mistreated her (and I think they did), but I think other aspects about groups that she avoids indicate that she's condemning or fearing people pretty far removed from the college experience.

She basically condemns all groups of women, and I think many of us know from personal experience that her condemnation is unfounded for many if not almost all groups, especially groups of women her present age. (Some of what she observes is true, but it's human frailty rather than female frailty, if you ask me.)

Is she entitled to her feelings on a personal level? Sure. Does that mean all readers of her New York Times piece should reach a similar conclusion or validate her "groups of women are evil" mindset? Probably not.

I don't blame her for feeling like she does about her college experience and the people involved, but I don't think it's particularly representative and I don't think it's a valid way to look at women today.

[TSteven]

Originally Posted by SydneyK

^^^ Every group of people can talk about the societal pressures applied to that group during childhood (and beyond). There are different societal expectations heaped upon everyone - girls, boys, whites, Muslims, Jews, etc... IMO, societal pressure has nothing to do with whether a mother has the potential to color her children's perceptions... of anything. Because we all know that she does indeed have that power. And so does the father. And so does the Jewish neighbor. And the Arab boy in Billy's class.

This woman, if nothing else, is conveying to me that she recognizes the perception-coloring potential she has over her children (or else she wouldn't bring up the fact that she has daughters), and that she's concerned that she doesn't know how to address it.

Well said. Then again, I'm just a guy. So what do I know?

[Leslie Anne]

Originally Posted by TSteven

Well said. Then again, I'm just a guy. So what do I know?

Yes, but you're the best of men.

[PageantDiamonds]

It is just an article. You people act like she declared war on the NPC.

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by PageantDiamonds

It is just an article. You people act like she declared war on the NPC.

Hey, BrandiRae! How's the baby?

[LadyLonghorn]

Originally Posted by PageantDiamonds

It is just an article. You people act like she declared war on the NPC.

Hi Brandi! I guess this is an easy thing for you to say since you've never been an initiated member of an NPC. But I guess since you're back on Greekchat, you're back to perping KD too.

[UGAalum94]

Who is acting like she declared war on the NPC?


That idea just seems pretty divorced from the conversation I've been reading.

[kathykd2005]

From what I've been reading, this poster seems to be pretty divorced from reality, period.

[PM_Mama00]

Originally Posted by Ilaria Ame

i don't feel bad for this woman. sorry if that makes me sound like a cold bitch. we've all made mistakes and those of us who have taken responsibility for them and dealt with them have moved on. she feels like nothing was her fault and because of this, has victimized herself to a point of not trusting women. sure, the sorority sisters were not good people. she was innocent and didn't know any better. but if after all that happened to her she still can't take responsibility and recognize that continuing in the sorority after her sisters allowed a fraternity brother to treat her like that was a mistake, it's her own issue.

p.s. and before the question is asked, i've been in a situation like hers before, except with "friends" not sorority sisters. i'm from a small town and led a very sheltered life until college. i too lost my virginity very soon after started school. and later, after i willingly got drunk to fit in and was taken advantage of at a party without a word of protest from my "friends" i never spoke to any of them again. i at least had enough sense to realize that i didn't have to be like that; i could turn my life around and expect people to earn my trust rather than just give it away or in her case, never give it again.

And perhaps not everyone can be as strong as you? I'm sick of people on here thinking that everyone thinks and feels the same way they do about experiences. Everyone is different.

Originally Posted by ilovemyglo

I went through quite a bit of trauma throughout my early education... basically from grades 4-12. Constant bullying and constant harassment- and after all these years and as great as my life is now, I run into some of those "kids" that treated me that wa.y They come up and act all excited to see me and for some reason it just brings back all that shame and fear I had as a child.

Those kinds of experiences stay with you, and even though you may think you are past them, you still are haunted.

I think even the most successful people that have had experiences like this probably feel the same way.

Thank you. You just described exactly why I don't go into certain bars in my area.