How many dates?

Scandia · #1 11-23-2006, 07:34 AM

How many dates would you go on with someone before giving up due to lack of chemistry? Assume there are no red flags (or even yellow ones) and that the person is physically attractive and within your type, and that the person is kind and has a lot in common with you...but that interacting with this person seems no different than interacting with one of your platonic friends or co-workers.

sdsuchelle · #2 11-23-2006, 08:24 AM

Two. I think you have to give them a second chance if they're a nice guy, but if after the second one you're still not clicking, tell him you just want to be friends.

I'm actually in this dilemma right now, haha.

PrettyBoy · #3 11-23-2006, 11:49 PM

I would hang out with her as friends from the start, so if we got closer that would be cool and if we didn't she could stilll be a really good friend. We could continue to hang out regardless.

Scandia · #4 11-24-2006, 05:33 PM

Well, the first date was good. Just like most first dates with good people that I have been on. I did not feel any chemistry or sparks- but it is not all that common to do so, especially when you do not know the person well. First dates are mainly to establish commonality and to make sure there are no red flags or any other immediate dealbreakers.

But on the second date, I felt like I was hanging out with a platonic male friend that I had back in undergrad. While my old friend Jacques was not my type and 5 years older than me, this guy is within my type and only 2 years older than myself. He's very kind and we have a lot in common- but I am not feeling any different than if I were hanging out a random platonic friend.

Drolefille · #5 11-24-2006, 05:45 PM

You might give it another date or two, simply because you like hanging out with the guy. I'd be careful about giving him the wrong idea (that you either really like him or that you're completely uninterested) though.

southernelle25 · #6 11-28-2006, 02:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

I would hang out with her as friends from the start, ...

Exactly. There has to be a certain "chemistry" for guy and I to even be friends. IF we can't communicate and have fun together at that point, then I hold no hope for the future.

REE1993 · #7 11-24-2006, 06:21 PM

I am a believer in "love at first site" or rather, "like at first site". If you don't feel, don't draw it out. Some people can make it work even if they hated each other at first. But I usually rely on my gut. That works best for me.

AchtungBaby80 · #8 11-24-2006, 06:22 PM

How many? One.

Scandia · #9 11-24-2006, 07:37 PM

I know people who were not immediately attracted to their mates. Some of them always found them good looking/their type, a few didn't. I do not think I need immediate attraction, but I do need to find the person good looking and my type.

I'm not very experienced when it comes to this. And I do know that love grows over time. But I would be hoping to at least start liking someone THAT way by the second date if it is meant to be. Is this a reasonable expectation?

I cannot say there are no negotiations with this guy and that he is the prototype of my dream person. But there are no major problems- I cannot even think of any yellow flags so far. I am just not feeling anything special for him. People I have described him too say that I am sounding very clinical when I talk about him- even though they recognize that it is all very positive. Almost like if I were appraising a colleague's performance.

Drolefille · #10 11-24-2006, 08:01 PM

People who fall in love over long periods of time are usually in contact with each other for those long periods, or in short periods repeatedly throughout the years. Unless you're going to a) string him along or b) keep him as a friend... I'd say move along.

Scandia · #11 11-24-2006, 08:39 PM

Oh, I'll joyfully keep him as a friend. God knows if I probably need a close platonic male friend (just like Jacques was) more than what I need a significant other right now. I have a very busy spring coming up with a full time job and two graduate classes for a Specialist degree.

CutiePie2000 · #12 12-06-2006, 09:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

I agree. My husband and I didn't even speak the same language when we started dating, but there was still that "something" there. I could see it in his eyes.

You spoke the "Language of Love", baby. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AchtungBaby80

How many? One.

Same here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scandia

There are very few good men left......If he does want biological children for sure, I WILL have to let him go. But otherwise, I cannot think of anything else.

I wouldn't say that there are "very few good men" left. There are men who are newly single, being that they are separated or divorced; I think of these guys as "recycled". When I was in my 20s, I thought I would never date someone who is divorced, let alone divorced with kids. Now, I am doing just that (and he is a gem). From your MySpace page, I see that you are 29, therefore, at this age, you are going to start to encounter guys who are divorced/separated, etc.

My point is, if you do not want to have children & fear disappointing or rejecting someone because they want children, you may wish to be open to dating divorced dads. Some of them may not necessarily want to have *additional* children. (although the kids will be in his life on weekends, etc....not sure how you feel about that). That could be a possibility.

I also saw that you would like someone to be your paladin...(yes, I had to look it up)

1 : a trusted military leader (as for a medieval prince) - a bit of a tall order for a guy...a lot of pressure
2 : a leading champion of a cause - a guy who is supportive and is "your champion"...yeah, that sounds pretty good!

eta: If you met on MySpace, I take it that this is a situation where this was basically internet dating? In my experience, you need to talk on the phone too, before you meet in person. If you communicate only via MSN or email or whatever, you can't get a good read on what they'll be like. I've met people in person where the email/MSN was good, but the phone call was "bad". It was bad to meet them in person also....they could not hold a conversation.

Scandia · #13 12-07-2006, 07:59 AM

You see, I would very much prefer someone who is as inexperienced as I am, to put it nicely. I am very very much avoiding divorced/widowed/experienced men, as well as parents. I have certain morals, and would prefer someone who shares and follows them as well. I just don't feel comfortable with the situation.

See my concern about the few good men? See why I usually go for younger men? I want someone with a similar experience level who shares my moral values about this.

While I would feel comfortable with say, someone's little sibling or niece/nephew coming to live with us, I do not think I could deal with someone who has children- especially if there is the whole custody/visitation scenario.

Now you see why I genuinely tried so hard with this fellow.

bichonl · #14 12-07-2006, 10:45 AM

Scandia,
You should really think more positively about your situation. There are plenty of "good men" left. You may have to do a lot more negotiating than you thought. Don't settle for this guy! You will drive yourself crazy if you try to get into a relationship that lacks a certain chemistry. When I was in graduate school, I had two short term relationships that lacked a certain "spark". With the first guy, I had NO physical attraction; we remained friends and that didn't even work. The second guy and I were so different that I practically drove myself nuts trying to make it work. I couldn't even be friends with the second guy because he was just so wrong for me.

Very rarely is it easy to remain friends with someone you dated... even if "dated" means going on a handful of dates. Only once in my adult life have I beel able to be good friends with someone I met through an online dating site (the onion/spring street networks).

I wouldn't say a divorced man is necessarily bad. People enter marriages for really wrong reasons- thankfully, he left when he did. (If he cheated on her, that's different. If she cheated on him, I don't blame him for leaving.) While it is hard, you can't really fault someone for being widowed. I'd say stay away from separated guys until the divorcer is final- but that's just what I'd do.

Additionally, people have had great luck with match and eharmony- give 'em a shot! Keep us posted!

tunatartare · #15 12-07-2006, 10:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scandia

You see, I would very much prefer someone who is as inexperienced as I am, to put it nicely. I am very very much avoiding divorced/widowed/experienced men, as well as parents. I have certain morals, and would prefer someone who shares and follows them as well. I just don't feel comfortable with the situation.

See my concern about the few good men? See why I usually go for younger men? I want someone with a similar experience level who shares my moral values about this.

While I would feel comfortable with say, someone's little sibling or niece/nephew coming to live with us, I do not think I could deal with someone who has children- especially if there is the whole custody/visitation scenario.

Now you see why I genuinely tried so hard with this fellow.

You don't want your first time to be with a virgin. At least one of you has to know what you're doing.