How many dates?

[RoyalEmpress33]

Originally Posted by Scandia

How many dates would you go on with someone before giving up due to lack of chemistry? Assume there are no red flags (or even yellow ones) and that the person is physically attractive and within your type, and that the person is kind and has a lot in common with you...but that interacting with this person seems no different than interacting with one of your platonic friends or co-workers.

Wow, this happens to me more often than I'd like it to.I can tell within the first date whether or not I'll be sticking around with that person for a second one.I've dated a few guys who are attractive,intelligent,chivalrous--the whole 9 yards,but the chemistry was just not there.This is apart of the reason I'm single now,I get bored easily.I've tried to make it work,but after a while I'm just overwhelmed with bordom and lack of chemistry.So I just keep them as associates.

[Scandia]

And one of the new persons I have met that I had interest in...I lost interest due to his personality being way too reactive and neurotic, as well as due to our attitudes towards fiscal issues being too different. He's great otherwise and I would like to stay friends with him, since we do have quite a bit in common. But while he is not abusive or put me down in any way, he was just a bit too explosive for my tastes. I'm looking for someone more laid back, easygoing, and mellow.

Not only do I feel very guilty about this, but also I wonder if this person crossed my path to make me be grateful for the previous guy- because while with this new person I can point out personality aspects I have trouble with, the previous one only involved lack of chemistry as a problem. I did get bored due to the lack of chemistry- but while he certainly was not a particularly interesting or engaging person, it's not like he was the dullest and most boring person in the planet either.

Why am I feeling so guilty? When your first experience with dating and opposite sex friendship in your teens was as horrible as mine, you would feel guilty too about not returning the love of a good person.

Guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt, GUILT!!!

[AChiOhSnap]

Originally Posted by Scandia

I wonder if this person crossed my path to make me be grateful for the previous guy- because while with this new person I can point out personality aspects I have trouble with, the previous one only involved lack of chemistry as a problem. I did get bored due to the lack of chemistry- but while he certainly was not a particularly interesting or engaging person, it's not like he was the dullest and most boring person in the planet either.

He didn't just cross your path to make you grateful for the previous guy. Just because a person has a serious flaw (i.e. lack of chemistry) that isn't as extreme as another's serious personality flaw (explosive) does not mean that person A is right for you. It just means that you've met two men that were wrong for you.

Scandia, you're going to meet tons of men in your life. If you're new to the "game," you'll find that most people aren't compatible with you and you can easily discern compatibility after a couple dates. You'll know when it's right. Don't settle for a boring guy just because you met a big jerk. They're both equally bad for you.

[BetteDavisEyes]

Don't settle. I agree with what AChiOhSnap said.

[Scandia]

Well, jerk is way too strong of a word. He was not mean to me, nor did he talk trash about anyone. But he overreacted and showed jealousy and cursed quickly about things that honestly should not be getting such a big reaction to.

That, and his attitude towards money and alcohol was very different than mine. And his being a total night owl and me being a major morning person who sounds incoherent after 11PM may also be problematic.

Problems that guy A did not have. Hence guy A got 3 dates...but I cannot bring myself to lie to him and pretend that I love him when I don't.

I love your advice. You motivate and encourage me so much.

[AChiOhSnap]

Originally Posted by Scandia

Well, jerk is way too strong of a word. He was not mean to me, nor did he talk trash about anyone. But he overreacted and showed jealousy and cursed quickly about things that honestly should not be getting such a big reaction to.

That, and his attitude towards money and alcohol was very different than mine. And his being a total night owl and me being a major morning person who sounds incoherent after 11PM may also be problematic.

Problems that guy A did not have. Hence guy A got 3 dates...but I cannot bring myself to lie to him and pretend that I love him when I don't.

I love your advice. You motivate and encourage me so much.

Thanks

Listen, don't feel guilty about guy A. You're doing him and yourself a favor by not trying to force what isn't there -- he can go off and meet someone who will feel that "spark" toward him and you're free to feel that "spark" when you meet a man who's right for you. Trust me, telling Guy A the truth about your feelings in no uncertain terms may hurt him today but you are saving him lots of heartache in the long run. You're setting him free, so to speak, so he can move on.

Random tangent, but when it's right you will feel that spark. I know you have lots of preconceived ideas about what you want in a man and what kind of man you think you'd be compatible with. I think we all make those "lists" for ourselves when we're not in a relationship (e.g. "My perfect man will love dogs, be a morning person, will be 25-27, never married, brown hair, tall, medium build" etc.) I can't tell you how many people I know -- myself included -- throw those lists out the window when they feel that chemistry with someone. You might meet a man someday who is the absolute opposite of anything you ever thought you'd like but that "spark" will more than make up for the fact that he's a night owl or divorced or whatever. On paper, he might be totally wrong for you. But all of those things that you thought would make a man incompatible with you will become totally irrelevant when you're with him. Trust me.

[Scandia]

I understand what you mean. I just don't want an obese chronically unemployed smoker with a felony record who worships the devil and uses sarcasm 24/7/365 and has 7 different kids by 7 different mothers.

I know, I know. I am being way overdramatic. I am just trying to put the opposite of what I want without getting into potentially offensive territory.

Some things can be tossed out the window (for example, if he was ignorant about anime while I am a total otaku, or if he was a total sports nut while I could care less about sports, or if he were a night person and I'm a Mary Sunshine, or if he disliked the natural sciences and the fine arts and majored in finance, or if he had never been inside The Gap and wore jeans and t-shirts 99% of the time, and similar things to the sort that in the long run do not matter all that much). But some can't, like it was discussed in the other thread. And if it makes me uncomfortable in any way, I cannot deal with it- no matter how much the spark is there otherwise.

[SHEETCAKE]

You need to relax. Perhaps you could enroll in a cake-decorating class. Lots of people meet there while giving me a nice frosting.