Frustrated by boys

[Optimist Prime]

this is off topic, but James what part of NJ do you live in? I used to live in Camden County.

[CutiePie2000]

Originally posted by Cream
Has anyone read "The Rules" out there? What did you think of it?

Hey Cream, go here to see a thread about The Rules. I have read Books 1 and 2 (haven't read the 3rd one). I do agree with some of the principles in the book, such as that a woman should maintain a full, busy life, rather than expect a man to come and "fill it up" for her.

[tridelta4ever]

James, you are perfectly entitled to your opinion, and perhaps that strategy works for you. However, I know that if a guy tried that on me, I would most likely find him a little on the pushy side - as the tips you gave are right out of a sales manual. Confidence is GREAT, but I personally don't want to feel like I'm being cold called and forced/pressured into making a date that I would have to cancel later. It's my opinion that this approach might push away a lot of women - especially those who are "on the fence" about the guy who is calling. Anyway, this isn't to slam on you (so please don't interpret this as such), rather to give guys another perspective. Good luck, either way!

Carrie

[Optimist Prime]

Originally posted by tridelta4ever
James, you are perfectly entitled to your opinion, and perhaps that strategy works for you. However, I know that if a guy tried that on me, I would most likely find him a little on the pushy side - as the tips you gave are right out of a sales manual. Confidence is GREAT, but I personally don't want to feel like I'm being cold called and forced/pressured into making a date that I would have to cancel later. It's my opinion that this approach might push away a lot of women - especially those who are "on the fence" about the guy who is calling. Anyway, this isn't to slam on you (so please don't interpret this as such), rather to give guys another perspective. Good luck, either way!

Carrie

I can appreciate not wanting to presured by a pushy guy, BUT, if you make a date and then cancel, you suck. That is the absolute worst thing to do to a guy. It is comprable to a guy you were dating sleeping with your sister. None of his friends will ever like you again. Pledges to his fraternity will be told either the full story, or not to ask, and will generally avoid you. Then will have friends who are in other fraternities (at college, from back home, on greekchat, etc) and will tell them and then it keeps growing and growing. You be blacklisted by people who knew him, and everyone else will have a heads up and be wary and will think you are cheating on them, or will be suspicous.

Other than that, I agree. I'm not exactly Mr. Hot Shot and when I try to be I look like a jack ass. So I try natural confidence.

Billy

[amycat412]

Originally posted by Optimist Prime


I can appreciate not wanting to presured by a pushy guy, BUT, if you make a date and then cancel, you suck. That is the absolute worst thing to do to a guy. It is comprable to a guy you were dating sleeping with your sister. None of his friends will ever like you again. Pledges to his fraternity will be told either the full story, or not to ask, and will generally avoid you. Then will have friends who are in other fraternities (at college, from back home, on greekchat, etc) and will tell them and then it keeps growing and growing. You be blacklisted by people who knew him, and everyone else will have a heads up and be wary and will think you are cheating on them, or will be suspicous.

Other than that, I agree. I'm not exactly Mr. Hot Shot and when I try to be I look like a jack ass. So I try natural confidence.

Billy

Hmmm is that true? I was thinking of cancelling my date tonight... I won't, because its after 3pm now and I think that's rude--but I've wanted to cancel all day. I'm just not feeling it with this guy-- I like him, he's fun and nice-- but that's it, and I am exhausted and I broke my toe this morning and my ex boyfriend's wedding pics are in a national magazine that came out today and was just generally thinking it would be better to cancel than subject this guy to my funky mood.

[Optimist Prime]

Amy,

Yeah, its pretty much true. However, if you POSTPONE instead of cancel, then that is okay. But you might want to see if can make you feel better and get you out of it but if you're not feeling him at all, then maybe he will misread and stop asking you out because of it. Eitherway, it is like, so hurtful when a girl outright says "no, no date tonight. or ever. I don't know what I was thinking when I said yes."

[amycat412]

Hmmmm, yeah I would never be out and out rude about it... But I have been on the fence about this guy for too long. I just don't want it to go anywhere, and its getting to a point where I'm having to come up with creative reasons why he can't come in my apt after a date. lol

[tridelta4ever]

Billy - Huh...well, that's nice.

I can understand someone being miffed if a woman cancelled a date last minute for no good reason or was a bitch about it.
But, it sounds like what you're telling me is that if I make a date with someone, and cancel it for any reason, that I am a bitch and basically am committing social suicide. If that's the case, I think what you wrote is bullshit. Not only have I cancelled a date and not suffered any of the repercussions you mentioned, but I actually know quite a few women who have lived through it as well. In fact, I broke a date with a guy in the very same fraternity as the guy I am currently dating. You wanna know why? Because I didn't think it was fair that I would go out on a date with someone, when I knew that I was extremely interested in someone close to him. Can you imagine what a fiasco it would have been had I started something with this other guy, and then gone on to my current boyfriend??? I don't think so. Thankfully he was mature about it and ended up helping me get together with the other guy and I can guarantee that if we get married, he will be at our wedding. Probably more details than you wanted to know, but I felt like including them to prove my point. I think it's sad that there might be fraternities that would blacklist a woman just because she didn't want to lead a guy on. UGH.

Anyhoo, I don't know if you were just trying to prove a point or if you were serious, but I don't take kindly to being told that "I suck" because I might break a date with a pushy mo'fo' who won't get off the phone until I promise to bear his children.

[James]

Hmm, I am rereading my post and I am not quite sure which part is pushy . . . Leaving out all the subtext of analysis, the post says: call her sooner rather than later. Ask her to a specific type of thing that is not time intensive, and if she is unable to attend, say you want to see her later in the week and try to give her the choice of days.


I am not sure there really is another way to ask a girl on a date. Unless the gril is really not comfortable with a direct approach to dating. i.e. she wants to just hang among mutual friends. Which is not dating its hanging.

I can definitely see a woman that is "on the fence" with a guy being put in an awkward spot. But honestly doing it this way cues the guy in on whether the girl in sitting on that fence.

The more we like somone the more we want to see them and you can tell really quick how interested a person is by how much and how quickly they want to see you. There have been girls that liked me that I woud rather play in traffic, than go out with. There are other girls that I have been so interested in I would have given up food.

Its really not in the best interest of a guy to pursue a girl that is lukewarm. Instead he could be putting that effort into a girl that is a lot more interested, rather than wasting time and energy.

I know you are slamming my reply , but I would be genuinely interested in another approach that doesn't leave everything in some wierd Schrodinger's Box of relationships where no one really knows what is going to happen or where things are going. Kind of like the foundation of this thread. They guy was so not pushy he almost made the poor girl believe he wasn't interested. A simple . . . lets set a date and this thread would never have happened.

Take care,

James

Originally posted by tridelta4ever
James, you are perfectly entitled to your opinion, and perhaps that strategy works for you. However, I know that if a guy tried that on me, I would most likely find him a little on the pushy side - as the tips you gave are right out of a sales manual. Confidence is GREAT, but I personally don't want to feel like I'm being cold called and forced/pressured into making a date that I would have to cancel later. It's my opinion that this approach might push away a lot of women - especially those who are "on the fence" about the guy who is calling. Anyway, this isn't to slam on you (so please don't interpret this as such), rather to give guys another perspective. Good luck, either way!

Carrie

[Optimist Prime]

Originally posted by tridelta4ever
Billy - Huh...well, that's nice.

I can understand someone being miffed if a woman cancelled a date last minute for no good reason or was a bitch about it.

That is what i meant . Out of curiosity though, what would happen if I had sex with my girlfriend's sister??

[Miami1839]

I give up. I'll never understand women. Plus I'm turning 30 next month.

[James]

Correction to this post: its supposed to read " I know you are NOT slamming my reply. just clarifying.

Originally posted by James
Hmm, I am rereading my post and I am not quite sure which part is pushy . . . Leaving out all the subtext of analysis, the post says: call her sooner rather than later. Ask her to a specific type of thing that is not time intensive, and if she is unable to attend, say you want to see her later in the week and try to give her the choice of days.


I am not sure there really is another way to ask a girl on a date. Unless the gril is really not comfortable with a direct approach to dating. i.e. she wants to just hang among mutual friends. Which is not dating its hanging.

I can definitely see a woman that is "on the fence" with a guy being put in an awkward spot. But honestly doing it this way cues the guy in on whether the girl in sitting on that fence.

The more we like somone the more we want to see them and you can tell really quick how interested a person is by how much and how quickly they want to see you. There have been girls that liked me that I woud rather play in traffic, than go out with. There are other girls that I have been so interested in I would have given up food.

Its really not in the best interest of a guy to pursue a girl that is lukewarm. Instead he could be putting that effort into a girl that is a lot more interested, rather than wasting time and energy.

I know you are slamming my reply , but I would be genuinely interested in another approach that doesn't leave everything in some wierd Schrodinger's Box of relationships where no one really knows what is going to happen or where things are going. Kind of like the foundation of this thread. They guy was so not pushy he almost made the poor girl believe he wasn't interested. A simple . . . lets set a date and this thread would never have happened.

Take care,

James

[amycat412]

OK, well I went out with that guy tonight and it was OK. It was fun, and he is NICE. Which is why I didn;t want to go in the first time -- lol, not because he is NICE< but because I feel like by continuing to go out with him I am leading him to think it is more than it is...? Does that make sense?

And not to banish him to the dreaded "friend" category, but... sigh. He is NICE. I am just not into him and I DO have to admit to not being the best at gracefully backing out of things...

[Miami1839]

Amy, I dont get that. There must be something else. Whats wrong with a guy being too nice. I'll never get that. Its like men and chivalry these days. Women just cant appreciate it like it was in the old days. My advice is to drop the guy now hard or its going to lead to a whole lot of hurt and trouble. Especially if your not into him. Not like my advice matters though. LOL

[James]

I don't thnk Amy said she didn't like him because he was too nice. She is just sayin he is very nice, which probably makes it harder to break the news to him. People keep forgeting that no matter how "nice" you are ( and I am not sure what that means anyway) there still has to be some type of physical attraction or sparks to seperate a lover from a friend. And isn't that usually the diference? A friend is a nice person we like but usually don't sleep with?

But Amy, if you keep leading the poor guy on the least you can do is escalate the physoical relationship for him. Because you are the one creating the expectation. I hope he is not spending a lot of money on you.

So which would be easier, telling him you don't like him and offending him (and ladies mostly guys ae offended instead of being hurt) or sleeping with him. You might not want to answer that in a public forum.

Originally posted by amycat412
OK, well I went out with that guy tonight and it was OK. It was fun, and he is NICE. Which is why I didn;t want to go in the first time -- lol, not because he is NICE< but because I feel like by continuing to go out with him I am leading him to think it is more than it is...? Does that make sense?

And not to banish him to the dreaded "friend" category, but... sigh. He is NICE. I am just not into him and I DO have to admit to not being the best at gracefully backing out of things...