living together before marriage: opinions?

[KSUViolet06]

Something else I've seen with living together that turns me off about it is people using it to "fix" their relationship. I don't know if it's just MY friends that are doing this, but I just had one friend say to me "Well yeah Bob and I have been having some real trust issues lately, so we're moving in together and setting our wedding date for 2011." WTF? Are your issues going to magically disappear if you move in together and set some horribly far away wedding date (even though you never even said you were engaged)?

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

Something else I've seen with living together that turns me off about it is people using it to "fix" their relationship. I don't know if it's just MY friends that are doing this, but I just had one friend say to me "Well yeah Bob and I have been having some real trust issues lately, so we're moving in together and setting our wedding date or 2011." WTF? Are your issues going to magically disappear if you move in together and set some horribly far away wedding date (even though you never even said you were engaged)?

Trust issues are the WORST reason to move in together. If you don't trust eachother, BREAK UP - don't monitor eachother's activity. That doesn't build trust, it builds resentment and MORE distrust.

[DSTCHAOS]

Most cohabitated couples won't last.

Moving in together and planning a 2011 wedding is basically a guarantee that there will be no wedding. If the wedding can wait a few more years, so should living together.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by DSTCHAOS

Most cohabitated couples won't last.

Moving in together and planning a 2011 wedding is basically a guarantee that there will be no wedding.

Right! Seriously, he didn't even propose to her. She prodded and suggested, and he finally agreed to marry her. No ring (not even a ring pop!), no engagement party, no "I love you will you marry me?", nothing.

When she asked him to set a date, he said 2011! She was upset with the "wedding date" and said that since they aren't getting married anytime soon, that they need to move in together so "they can work on their trust issues" and he can "prove how serious he is about her."

It makes no sense at all to me. Really, I would expect this sort of arrangement out of an 18 year old clueless retard, but she's my age (23). I'm not a fan of living together, and I am double NOT a fan of wedding dates that are more than like 2 years away. She was like "well I want it to be really nice so I need all that time to plan." Really? I just don't think it takes 3-4 years to plan a wedding. I think he just doesn't want to marry you and is putting it off, and you're so desperate that you'll go along with anything.

But anyway, I guess people don't think to call my "1-800-OPINION" number beore doing things. LOL.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by AGDee

Some of the problem with pre-marital counseling and relying on discussing the issues is that sometimes one of the people involved may say one thing during these discussions but then do another. I'll give you one example.. money. My second husband appeared to be very responsible with his money. He had a lot of money invested for retirement when he was only 30. He had enough saved in the bank for a down payment on a house. He had a decent car, good suits and was pretty generous for birthdays, Christmas, etc. He agreed that if we both worked, we both made decisions about how the money was spent. So, what was the problem?? Well, he had been living at home his whole life and was working as an accountant for 5 years while living at home with NO living expenses the entire time. When we got married, had a mortgage and a baby within a year (diapers, formula, day care, new wardrobe for baby every few months as baby grew, etc), we had to live on a budget. Mr. Responsible with Money was a mess. He didn't know how to live on a budget.. he never had to before. He spent money like it was water, always using the ATM card and never putting the amounts in the checkbook. What a nightmare it became. Oh the fights about it! And, it was all my fault, because he didn't have money problems before.. so it must be my fault. I must be spending too much. To this day, he blames me for the debt he ended up incurring because I was buying groceries and clothes for the kids. Without sharing finances before, there was no way to foresee this.

Just an example...

I wonder if there would have been a way to foresee it living together but without the additional stress of mortgage and children? I don't know.

I see your point, but I think the example you give is not a problem with pre-marital counseling but, noting the part of your quite I bolded, with him. He wasn't honest with you or with whoever was doing the counseling (or perhaps with himself). Whether it's pre-marital counseling, living together or marriage, you only get out of it what you and he put into it.

I know that with our pre-marital counseling (required by the church before we could be married), we had to do quite a few personality inventories and the like. We were just discussing last week, after 19 years of marriage, how the "danger areas" identified in our pre-marital counseling really are the areas that have been most challenging for us over the years.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

I wonder if there would have been a way to foresee it living together but without the additional stress of mortgage and children? I don't know.

I was going to say if Dee & her hubby had lived together, they would have probably had the same problems unless they kept their finances entirely separate.

Pretty much, look at how your SO's parents handle money...and you'll get a good preview of how he/she will do so. That's one lesson I fortunately learned very early.

Jocelyn, there's no way in hell your friend's going to get married, and if she does, no way it'll last 6 months. "Prodding" does not lead to successful marriages.

[Kevin]

My law practice will probably be majority family law. That said, I am thrilled about the trend where people move in together prior to marriage, have babies, and quickly get divorced. I am even more thrilled that most of these people don't learn that this is not smart the first time they do it.

That said, my wife, who at the time, I had been with for 5 years, moved in with me a year prior to our wedding. For us, it worked. For anyone else? The statistics seem to point out that your chances of a successful relationship at that point are decreased.

-- but what is your goal? A long term relationship? Or a roommate who shares your bed?

[DSTCHAOS]

Kevin is waiting to cash everyone's checks.

But on a more socially significant note, this says a lot about family breakdown and the impact on children (if there are any).

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by Kevin

My law practice will probably be majority family law.

You have my sympathy.

[Kevin]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

You have my sympathy.

In isn't that bad. We did have a client commit suicide this week, but it's been an unusually bad week.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by Kevin

In isn't that bad. We did have a client commit suicide this week, but it's been an unusually bad week.

Yikes. I just don't have domestic law in me.

[PeppyGPhiB]

Originally Posted by lilsunshine214

How many times has someone seemed amazingly wonderful on a first date and then the charm wears off? Same thing. I think that many times when you're spending time at someone's apartment it's like when your parents come to visit: the idea of "My place always sparkles like this" when you know that day was the first time you vacuumed in weeks and there's a certain closet that shouldn't be opened because of how much crap you shoved in there.

OK, if you (not you personally lilsunshine, I'm talking to anyone/everyone) are still at the point in your relationship where you feel you must straighten up the whole apartment before your bf/gf comes over, you are NOT ready to move in with him/her. That would be a sign to me that I wasn't comfortable enough with him yet, or for some reason I didn't think he would accept any flaws. Unless that's the way you usually keep your apartment, it's a facade, and there are obviously problems with the relationship if you feel you must keep the facade up.

Originally Posted by GeekyPenguin

You can "play nice" on weekend visits all you want, but that's not necessarily how you actually live. I'm glad we did it and we learned a lot about our relationship.

Again, I KNOW my boyfriend and certainly know how he keeps his apartment. I know he keeps every knicknack given to him and that he doesn't load his dishes into the dishwasher in a timely manner. And I don't need to live with him full time to know that stuff. I also don't need to live with him to know how he manages his finances, because we TALK about that kind of stuff. I know how much money he makes and how much his bills cost, and I even know how much he puts in his 401k...and we didn't have to move in together to learn that stuff.

My point is that before you move in with someone, you should already know all this stuff about them. If you're not at the point in your relationship where you feel comfortable being yourself around him/her, you're either not ready yet or that person isn't the right person for you.

[ThetaDancer]

Originally Posted by PeppyGPhiB

OK, if you (not you personally lilsunshine, I'm talking to anyone/everyone) are still at the point in your relationship where you feel you must straighten up the whole apartment before your bf/gf comes over, you are NOT ready to move in with him/her. That would be a sign to me that I wasn't comfortable enough with him yet, or for some reason I didn't think he would accept any flaws. Unless that's the way you usually keep your apartment, it's a facade, and there are obviously problems with the relationship if you feel you must keep the facade up.

Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but isn't that the polite thing to do? If you're not living with your significant other, then when they visit, you're having company over. Maybe it's just me, but I clean up for everyone...my friends, significant other, parents, etc., and I hardly think thats a sign of "obvious problems with the relationship."

[33girl]

There's a difference between having the place looking presentable, and having it so clean you could eat off the floor. I mean, I don't think a cup and saucer in the sink or an unmade bed is something you should feel you need to "hide" from a longtime boyfriend/girlfriend. Some people are neater than others, but if it's at the point where you're saying you don't want him to come over because the house isn't perfect, THAT means you have relationship problems.

[ThetaDancer]

^^^
Ahhhh...got it.

That was well-worded and I agree with you.