Rush - What to NOT do or say

[33girl]

^Yes totally. It really is a case by case thing. (As would be telling a guy exactly how you feel - sometimes it works, sometimes it's a bowl of fail.)

[SWTXBelle]

Well, at pref it is fair to say the chapter as a whole has already decided they like our hypothetical pnm and can see her as a sister, or she wouldn't have been invited to pref.

I don't think it is getting into membership selection to say that one thing taken into account when determining bid lists is whether or not the chapter believes the pnm will rank their chapter #1 or accept a bid.That being the case, a pnm would do well to let her rusher (who is usually someone in the chapter who has already had contact with the pnm and liked her) know of her enthusiasm at the prospect of becoming a member.

It need not be as obvious as saying "I want to be a BBB!", but this is one situation where keeping your feelings to yourself could backfire.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by SWTXBelle

Well, at pref it is fair to say the chapter as a whole has already decided they like our hypothetical pnm and can see her as a sister, or she wouldn't have been invited to pref.

Emphasis on the bolded.

Hopefully the chapter knows who is clicking with who by pref and pairs them accordingly, but if you end up with an individual sister who just isn't that into you, it could backfire.

It's also a lot different when pref comes after 4 rounds of parties, as opposed to when it's the first invitational round (i.e. the first time a sorority could cut people). Then again, in that situation rush should be deferred anyway...

[Alumiyum]

IMO, a PNM that knows she will be ranking ABC first could safely say that to the active that prefs her. What she doesn't want to do is say this in round 1, to other sororities, or phrase it like, "OMG I can't wait to be your sister, will you be my big?" (and that one is an actual example).

A PNM that is torn doesn't want to do this, because if she changes her mind and ranks XYZ first (or worse, tells them both she'll rank them both first) she can easily cause hurt feelings. And telling ABC in round 1 or 2 that she wants only them isn't necessarily safe, either. Actives talk, and if one from ABC gloats to XYZ, she could get dropped by XYZ before she has time to really think it through. (Which is also something that I have seen happen, and to more than one PNM).

Basically, if it's pref night and you know you're going to list XYZ first, it's probably ok to tell them they're your favorite group. What you don't want to do is sound desperate (I can't wait to be your sister!), tell two groups you'll put them first, tell a group you only want them before pref night, or just downright lie. The key here being you know which group you will be listing first. If there's any doubt in your mind (which is the case for the majority of PNMs), it's best to keep it all to yourself other than general comments (I really like it here) in case you change your mind to avoid any hurt feelings.

[Drolefille]

Did actives really talk in detail about PNMs on your campus? During recruitment, not only did we not have time to hang out with the other sororities the rivalry was so strong we weren't talking about favorites. The only info that got passed along was some of the crazy stories and then mostly if the Pi Chis saw it. We would NOT have passed along Suzy PNM saying we were her favorite, not even to brag. We might have passed along if Suzy walked in and said OMG YOU ARE MY FAVORITE at the top of her lungs before she'd met us.

PNMs should just trust their own judgment, reading this thread they'd not have a clue of what to actually say.

[Alumiyum]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

Did actives really talk in detail about PNMs on your campus? During recruitment, not only did we not have time to hang out with the other sororities the rivalry was so strong we weren't talking about favorites. The only info that got passed along was some of the crazy stories and then mostly if the Pi Chis saw it. We would NOT have passed along Suzy PNM saying we were her favorite, not even to brag. We might have passed along if Suzy walked in and said OMG YOU ARE MY FAVORITE at the top of her lungs before she'd met us.

PNMs should just trust their own judgment, reading this thread they'd not have a clue of what to actually say.

Aboslutely. I heard many reports of it as a recruitment counselor, but actually heard it happen first hand both as an active and recently as an alum with three different PNMs...and of course I knew RCs who did talk to their chapters during recruitment rules be damned, and "I only want XYZ" got passed along that way, too. It's a small campus, and the fact is, people talk. Personally, I think the motivation is that if Suzy says she only wants XYZ after round 1 and XYZ passes that along, she'll be dropped from just about everyone else, pretty much guaranteeing that XYZ gets her. But obviously I don't know for sure the why, just that it does happen.

Though many of us have different opinions, I think the bottom line is don't pull the "I only want XYZ" unless it's pref and you mean it (in other words, when it's too late to be cut). There are too many chances that a statement like that could end up limiting a PNMs choices, otherwise.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by Alumiyum

Though many of us have different opinions, I think the bottom line is don't pull the "I only want XYZ" unless it's pref and you mean it (in other words, when it's too late to be cut). There are too many chances that a statement like that could end up limiting a PNMs choices, otherwise.

Except I disagree. I think PNMs should use their own judgement. If they really do ONLY want XYZ then saying that is probably fine earlier. A more benign statement about XYZ being their favorite even if they're still interested in other chapters is also probably fine earlier.

I don't think there's a bottom line that we all agree on, nor will there be.

[Alumiyum]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

Except I disagree. I think PNMs should use their own judgement. If they really do ONLY want XYZ then saying that is probably fine earlier. A more benign statement about XYZ being their favorite even if they're still interested in other chapters is also probably fine earlier.

I don't think there's a bottom line that we all agree on, nor will there be.

As I've said before, if a girl only wants one group, that's one thing. But the vast majority of PNMs are better off being open minded. This is why it's a good idea to keep an open mind and present an open minded view to chapters until pref. If on pref night she knows she wants XYZ so badly that she'll list them first or even suicide, there's no point in holding that back. If she says that same thing on night 1 there is definitely the possibility that she'll be dropped from other sororities on campus who don't want to waste space on her, and then she's pigeonholed, or worse gets dropped from recruitment. Therefore it's IMO a really bad idea to make it known that Polly PNM only wants XYZ until she's had the time to at least see the other options...unless she wants to take that gamble (or really is fine with having XYZ or nothing at all, in which case, go for it).

Of course "I really like it here"/"I feel at home here"/"I really like your chapter" are nice and much more general things to say that show genuine interest without making actives think that is the only option Polly is considering.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by Alumiyum

Of course "I really like it here"/"I feel at home here"/"I really like your chapter" are nice and much more general things to say that show genuine interest without making actives think that is the only option Polly is considering.

Of course, I was only pointing out that there was no 'bottom line' at all. It's a pure judgment call. One person's "totally safe" is another person's "not really interested." Just like one person's "showing sincere interest" is another person's "OMG FREAK."

There's not a universal consensus on the topic.

[Drolefille]

Per green book rules, anyone coming to (a true) pref must be on your bidlist anyway. You could, hypothetically, get bumped to the bottom for your statements, but it's highly unlikely they're doing much to change the list post-pref anyway.

[knight_shadow]

outsider's perspective/

Wouldn't it be more ideal to say something like "I really think you ladies are amazing. I love the way you all seem to get along. Seeing you is making me excited about my recruitment experience."

It shows interest without being creepy.

/outsider's perspective

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by knight_shadow

outsider's perspective/

Wouldn't it be more ideal to say something like "I really think you ladies are amazing. I love the way you all seem to get along. Seeing you is making me excited about my recruitment experience."

It shows interest without being creepy.

/outsider's perspective

It's a bit formal and prepared, but yeah. It's just that this, unlike some things that are universally major faux pas, is very much a judgment call. And even someone who comes across as overly enthusiastic is probably likely to be given the benefit of the doubt. There's no perfect answer.

[knight_shadow]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

It's a bit formal and prepared, but yeah. It's just that this, unlike some things that are universally major faux pas, is very much a judgment call. And even someone who comes across as overly enthusiastic is probably likely to be given the benefit of the doubt. There's no perfect answer.

Got it.

Clearly, I'm still learning about NPC and its nuances

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by knight_shadow

Got it.

Clearly, I'm still learning about NPC and its nuances

Nah you're fine, I just don't picture your average 18 year old saying exactly what you said

[DeltaBetaBaby]

I lived with two women from another chapter my senior year, and absolutely we talked. Mostly it was about blatantly rude PNM's and things like that, though.

PNM's should react to the situation. If you are preffed by someone with whom you have built a relationship during recruitment (or knew before recruitment), and she says something like "I'd love to see you here on bid day", of course you can respond in kind.

If, OTOH, your rusher is saying things like "I hope you've enjoyed recruitment", than saying "this is my favorite house!!!" is going to be a little creepy.