Discouraging Someone From Rushing

[srmom]

She added that he is very intelligent, hard working and has a dry sense of humor

These are all qualities that guys like.

Also..... guys and girls are different

AMEN! After living with a husband and three sons for 23 years, I can attest to that! And what they look for in friends is different.

Anecdotal but true - in my son's pledge class (which is a good fraternity at a "competitve" greek school), they have a guy who they call "McLovin". If any of y'all have seen the movie Superbad, then you know what the guy looks like, and this pledge brother of my son's looks just like him. He would, I guess by some standards, seem socially awkward, BUT he is probably one of the most loved guys in his pledge class! He has a dry sense of humor and is incredibly self depricating in a loveable way. When I hear my son speak of him, it is with the utmost respect and friendship.

If he had a future sister in law like the one you have described, he might be sitting alone in his dorm room on weekends instead of fully enjoying being a part of a great group of guys!!!

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by RedRover

A young woman I know is in a situation and would like some advice . . . .

Originally Posted by RedRover

. . . I truly believe that she has her future brother-in-law's best interest at heart. . . .
I sincerely believe that she wants to spare the young man any pain that might arise.

I agree with everyone else. If she really wants advice and she sincerely cares about her future brother-in-law and wants to spare him whatever pain she can, then she should either (1) give him the benefit of her experience by giving him whatever encouragement and helpful advice she can, or (2) keep her mouth shut.

She can't save him from the pain of how others might react to or judge him, nor would it really be in his best interests for her to try. But she can save him from the pain of knowing how she judges him. Being rejected by strangers wouldn't be nearly as painful as knowing that his brother's new wife thinks "he is the type of guy you would fix up your roommate with for the April Fools Day dance."

[lilzetakitten]

Originally Posted by RedRover

I truly believe that she has her future brother-in-law's best interest at heart.

One need only read some of the postings about first year college students (usually women) who are "released" from rush to know how painful and traumatic experience can be for some.

I was released from recruitment the first time I went through. It was very painful and very humiliating. But I can tell you, with complete certainty, that it would have been so much worse to have a friend or family member tell me "Don't even try. There's no way you're going to get in."

And on the geeky note: I know a guy who was pretty geeky in high school. Short, skinny, looked like his grade level was actually his age, a bit in his popular older brother's shadow. He went to college, grew about 8 inches or something ridiculous like that, changed his hair, and became very confident. He's now pretty popular, very attractive, and I have the good fortune of being the person that gets to marry him.

People change after high school.

[DSTRen13]

My husband was a geek in high school. He was still a geek in college, and is still a geek now. And he loves his fraternity

[sigmaceli]

And on the geeky note: I know a guy who was pretty geeky in high school. Short, skinny, looked like his grade level was actually his age, a bit in his popular older brother's shadow. He went to college, grew about 8 inches or something ridiculous like that, changed his hair, and became very confident. He's now pretty popular, very attractive, and I have the good fortune of being the person that gets to marry him.

People change after high school.

Well said! Can I just say that's a GREAT story?

To my point...Coming from someone who was the awkward, shy and geeky girl in high school, college is a different monster entirely! I've come out of my shell and become a better, stronger woman because of my Sisters and their faith in me. We took a chance on each other, and I'm glad I've had such a great experience.

Likewise, my boyfriend is painfully shy, has a dry sense of humor and can be just as awkward as I was. And now, he's the vice president of his pledge class! There's a home for everyone in Greek life.

[lilzetakitten]

Thank you!

[LucyKKG]

Originally Posted by lilzetakitten

And on the geeky note: I know a guy who was pretty geeky in high school. Short, skinny, looked like his grade level was actually his age, a bit in his popular older brother's shadow. He went to college, grew about 8 inches or something ridiculous like that, changed his hair, and became very confident. He's now pretty popular, very attractive, and I have the good fortune of being the person that gets to marry him.

People change after high school.

Aww how cute!

My boyfriend recently confessed to me just HOW many hours of Everquest he used to play (not like I really even know what that game is), and I guess he used to be pretty awkward, shy, etc. He's still shy in some situations, but hey, he's the philanthropy chair of his fraternity. That's gotta say something. Oh yeah, and he's dating me, so he must've done something right.

(I kid, I kid. I'm not that arrogant...)

[violetpretty]

Originally Posted by lilzetakitten

I was released from recruitment the first time I went through. It was very painful and very humiliating. But I can tell you, with complete certainty, that it would have been so much worse to have a friend or family member tell me "Don't even try. There's no way you're going to get in."

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Being rejected by strangers wouldn't be nearly as painful as knowing that his brother's new wife thinks "he is the type of guy you would fix up your roommate with for the April Fools Day dance."

Exactly.

Besides, while the SIL might be an expert on her alma mater, this guy doesn't know where he is going to school yet. The Greek community at his school could be completely different. I can assure you that a guy like you described would have a good chance at getting a bid at my alma mater. Effeminate voice and a little nerdy? There are some fraternities at my alma mater with openly gay men! (Of course effeminate voice =/= gay and gay =/= effeminate voice, but it could be an assumption of some people.) And let me tell you, I have met some nerdy guys in fraternities. I usually become friends with them.

[starlitmemory07]

I would definitely leave well enough alone too--I know a guy who was effeminate all through high school but joined a fraternity in college and is now incredibly well-adjusted and less effeminate for having so many male friends. PS, it's a BIGGGG chapter at our school too.

[RedRover]

For those of you who are interested, I ran into my friend who gave me an update concerning her future brother-in-law. The young man has decided to go to a college that doesn't have a Greek system. She said that the college offered him a generous financial aid package, much more than he was expecting. For what she has heard, she thinks that he chose a college that will be a good fit.

She and her fiancee are scheduled to get married the third weekend of June.

[Lucky SC]

you can't baby him his whole life.
let him find out, if he gets in awesome; he will get into it and hopefully prosper from the experience.

If he doesn't... He'll toughen his skin and find his way in many other school groups... student gov, intramurals, academic clubs, whatever the case that he is into; he will find a niche whether its greek or not, but atleast let him try for himself.

[knight_shadow]

^^^ psst...check the post above yours

[baci]

Nice update for us. Hope it all works out.