What to tell a girl who didn't get a bid

[UGAalum94]

Well, even "what do I tell someone who didn't get a bid?" had some potentially different answers depending on whom you are talking about.

Generally, if it's someone who rushed your group whose membership decision you participated in, you'd just say, "I really can't talk about membership selection. I'm sorry it didn't work out."

But in other cases, like GreekChat, since there's absolutely no chance that I would know secret membership selection information about why a chapter of a different GLO cut someone, for example, you might feel a little more free to speculate and say more based on what the PNM has said.

In general you just try to be sympathetic and encouraging if it seems appropriate.

[PhoenixAzul]

Holy relevant thread, batman.

I'm a Rho Chi this year, and today was preference signing. Since it's 5 pm and I haven't gotten a call from Panhel, I'm assuming all of my girls are matched and sorted in some way (thank you, God!). But what we told the girls before they went to signing was,

"look girls, we want you all to be sisters to someone. But unfortunately, it doesn't always work out, for various reasons (quota, bid lists, human error, zodiac sign, whatever). We encourage you to try again next year, and to get involved on campus and to remain friends with girls you've met through this process. If you need to yell at someone or vent or need a cup of coffee, give us a call and we'll be there. Whole day is clear for you. "

It sucks. I should know. I didn't get invited to final party, and I got "the call" on bid day. But I received a supplemental bid (sort of a snap bid), to the sorority of my dreams. It does work out, it does happen. It does hurt. No one ever said it would be easy.

I think that perhaps girls would be better served by a disclaimer in the pre-rush literature about the realities of not getting a bid, alternative options, why girls cannot discuss membership selection, etc.

Originally Posted by jessicaelaine

this idea was inspired by one girl who publically make a very big deal about not getting a bid.

If you know she's going to make a big deal about it, be thankful you guys didn't offer her a bid, and when she demands to know why she didn't get a bid, an "I'm sorry you didn't get a bid, but membership selection is private, and we wish you luck in the future" is sufficient. She doesn't need to be comforted, especially if you already know she's going to give you a hard time.

perhaps it's better to go by a person to person basis.

Ding ding ding! We have a winner!

was the reason people became so offensive about the rest of my post was because i gave too much information? everyone seemed to focus on something that wasn't the actual question. i should have just simply said "what do i tell someone who doesn't get a bid"

I can't speak for the others, but I get the impression that not too many people knew about Greek culture at your school, so they weren't as informed about your campus like PM_Mama is. We didn't know that you didn't know what a Rho Chi was. We didn't know until you got snippy at the end that some dude named Al's the one who runs your Greek Life office. If anything, you probably didn't provide ENOUGH info.

I just got the feeling that the answers the majority of us gave just weren't good enough.

[GDIfly]

Originally Posted by jessicaelaine

wow thanks for being a bitch for no reason. what you said really helped.... show me how i didn't look closely at spell check. rolf lol brb lamo !!!11!!1!!!11!!!!1eleven!!

LOL You misspelled "definitely" as "defiantly?" I actually thought you were encouraging a PNM without a bid to be defiant.
Now I can't decide whether advising defiance or completely destroying the word 'definitely' is funnier.

[PenguinTrax]

I think the problems starts with the fact that the booklet says 'how to join', which makes an assumption on the part of the PNM that if you follow the things outlined in the booklet, they will be able to join regardless. I think you need to set up the process from the get-go as one of mutual selection and that the membership selection process is an internal matter. Your area alumnae advisers should be able to give you some additional direction on this.

[emily0325]

i agree that having a booklet is probably a bad idea... A lot of girls we get I know don't really know much about the process which i think is easier if they're somewhat blind going into it. They're less likely to be nervouis and overthink everything if they don't really know. Thus, showing their trueselves more.

I think the best way to deal with a girl not getting a bid is to just simply say. "XYZ sorority was glad to see you come out to get to know us during our COB events. However, a bid can not be given to you at this time. There will be many more opporunities in the future for you to recieve a bid."

[AChiOhSnap]

Originally Posted by emily0325

I think the best way to deal with a girl not getting a bid is to just simply say. "XYZ sorority was glad to see you come out to get to know us during our COB events. However, a bid can not be given to you at this time. There will be many more opporunities in the future for you to recieve a bid."

I would NOT say this. Some women will not receive bids, regardless of how many times they go through formal/informal recruitment. It's the sad truth. Telling a PNM that there will be "more opportunities in the future for you to receive a bid" will do nothing but give the PNM false hopes. There's no reason to go down that road with a disappointed PNM.

[PM_Mama00]

Originally Posted by James

So you were instrumental in her not getting in? It was personal?

Or are you just her friend who encouraged her to join (and then she didn't get in)?

Why else care?

Because when you have a small campus with a smaller Greek system, and most of the students aren't exactly pro-life, you have to care how you let people down. It's your reputation at stake.

Originally Posted by jessicaelaine

as for everyone else, thanks for all of your suggestions. but most of you forget that not every school and chapter is exactly like yours. .

That's one thing I wish people on GC would understand. People from different kinds of campuses will give advice and suggestions and then be shocked about the way your Greek system is run. I wouldn't give advice to someone with a large Southern campus's system.

[UGAalum94]

Originally Posted by PM_Mama00

That's one thing I wish people on GC would understand. People from different kinds of campuses will give advice and suggestions and then be shocked about the way your Greek system is run. I wouldn't give advice to someone with a large Southern campus's system.

I can see this, but wouldn't it be helpful to tell people what your campus was like? The only info. on this thread about the number of groups seemed to be provided by other people.

I think you all are right that at a small campus like you described the members may be more likely to face direct questions from PNMs that would be hard to imagine other places. Having the standard line from James, plus generally being nice after recruitment, will probably go a long way.

Originally Posted by PM_Mama00

That's one thing I wish people on GC would understand. People from different kinds of campuses will give advice and suggestions and then be shocked about the way your Greek system is run. I wouldn't give advice to someone with a large Southern campus's system.

Okay, now this absolutely absurd. Show me where these large Southern campus ladies gets shocked at how her campus does rush? If anything, the ladies who posted here showed some concern at her rush booklet/insert because it could possibly be going against NPC policies.

The consensus I got from this thread was:

a) Have a Rho Chi comfort her -- it's their job.
b) Membership selection is private, period. End of story.

(Fine, we didn't know that she didn't know what a Rho Chi was, but now she knows and knowing is half the battle)

If anything, recruitment at MY school is probably more similar to her campus than yours... so please don't paint us all with the same brush. THANKS.

[KSUViolet06]

During COB, when contacting a girl to let her know that she wouldn't be receiving a bid, our COB chair just said something along the lines of "Thanks for your interest in Tri Sigma, but we unfortunately won't be extending you an invitation to membership."

Most girls were just a little upset and were just like "okay thanks bye." If a girl was really upset and asked why she wasn't given a bid, she would just tell them that membership decisions were private and could not be discussed.

When you're giving someone bad news, it's hard not to hurt their feelings. There's no real nice way to say "You can't join my sorority." The best thing to do is start off with something positive ("Thanks for your interest in XYZ"), get straight to the point, and keep it brief. I would just make the section in your booklet brief and not getting into possible reasons.

[PM_Mama00]

Originally Posted by OTW

Okay, now this absolutely absurd. Show me where these large Southern campus ladies gets shocked at how her campus does rush? If anything, the ladies who posted here showed some concern at her rush booklet/insert because it could possibly be going against NPC policies.

The consensus I got from this thread was:

a) Have a Rho Chi comfort her -- it's their job.
b) Membership selection is private, period. End of story.

(Fine, we didn't know that she didn't know what a Rho Chi was, but now she knows and knowing is half the battle)

If anything, recruitment at MY school is probably more similar to her campus than yours... so please don't paint us all with the same brush. THANKS.

I didn't mean just in this thread, I meant in general. I had flashbacks of the conversation about wearing jeans to rush and all those other fun ones. I've met girls from her chapter (don't remember them, it was at a fundraiser given by her org from my campus) and I've heard a little about their Greek system since they're only an hour or so from mine.

[CutiePie2000]

Originally Posted by jessicaelaine

It's "any times a sorority elects to only take a specific amount of New Members a semester and has to make a hard decision. In these cases a girl should defiantly try again by coming to continuous open bidding events she is invited to and participating in recruitment the following semester. Sometimes, however, many members do not feel a perspective fits in well with the sorority and feels she would thrive in another sorority on campus."

I think you mean to say that a girl should "definitely" try again, not "defiantly".

Anyone who would display a "defiant" attitude during rush, can pretty much forget getting a bid at any campus, anywhere, much less on their SECOND attempt at rush.

In other words, make sure that document is double checked, tripled checked and quadruple checked for mispelled words. Not only does poor spelling look unprofessional, but in this case, the meaning of the mispelled word is completely different from what you'd intended.

[texas*princess]

I don't want to sound like the Spelling/Grammar President of the World, but there are a TON of incorrect spellings on the website.

The way the booklet is worded can be misleading.

First of all on the "HOW TO JOIN" page, the first sentence in Step 2 makes it sound like bids are automatic. At least if I were a person who didn't go to a big greek school and knew nothing of greek life I think "This is the official invitation you will receive to join the sorority" makes it sound like every woman who makes it past the foyer of the house will receive one.

If you absolutely must have a booklet on "HOW TO JOIN" Step 3 should say "your" new member pin

Step 3 compares a pinning ceremony to a pledging period. Maybe I'm reading that wrong. Additionally, it says "You are a complete sister with the same respect and all rights of an active member without the ability to vote in meetings" Unless DPhiE does things different (which is a possibility) most NPCs new members are not technically "full sisters" because they have not yet gone through initiation. Being part of ritual is a right of an active member in good standing and women in the new member period are not usually able to see that until they are initiated.

Step 5: says they go through initation and become "a full sister!" but Step 3 says they are "full sisters"

If you continue to distribute a booklet, I think it should be revised so that it is not misleading.

Additionally, like others have said, there should not be a reason to add in a "why you didn't get in" section because really, that's none of their business. If they ask you directly, just go with what others have said and tell them that membershp selection is private.

[LPIDelta]

Originally Posted by texas*princess

Maybe I'm reading that wrong. Additionally, it says "You are a complete sister with the same respect and all rights of an active member without the ability to vote in meetings" Unless DPhiE does things different (which is a possibility) most NPCs new members are not technically "full sisters" because they have not yet gone through initiation. Being part of ritual is a right of an active member in good standing and women in the new member period are not usually able to see that until they are initiated.

DPhiEs philosophy has been that new members are members--and so we allow new members to participate in teams and meetings and begin contributing to the sorority right away--with the exception of voting, attending ritual etc. We try to remove the hierarchy of membership by philosophically putting new members on the same playing field as active sisters. I agree with you--how its written is a little confusing.