Something needs to change

[DubaiSis]

The reason we tell girls they will eventually be happy, if they want to be, is because college freshmen are super special snowflakes who can't accept that this is a process of making friends, not their ascension to royalty. Nobody is going to bow and scrape at their feet. When rush is over there is a very real sense that all the love that was showered on them for the last week is gone. So the other house, their second choice (or their first choice if they got their second, or that house that dropped them after day one) would have been way better because the girls there would still be screaming and crying whenever they approach the door. Rush isn't real so there is a transition as these girls adapt to real college life and sorority membership.

Sorority membership is a club. It's a great club with lifetime engagement. The connections, the opportunity, the leadership, the fun, the boys, all of it. It's fun. But it's a CLUB. There is way too much pressure put on the process. If they would just relax, accept the (admittedly lousy) process for what it is, an incredibly convoluted way to make friends and join a club, maybe that pressure to instantly have the most spectacular never-ending moment of their lives would ease the eff up.

[PhilTau]

One way to look at this is like someone who is thinking about taking up golf --

1. Can she afford it?

2. Does she have time to devote to it?

3. Does she really want to do it?

Unless each question can be answered with an unqualified and enthusiastic yes, then don't get involved with either golf or a social sorority. If your child really wants a sorority experience, then (like a golfer) she will enjoy and have fun at any club she joins.

[AZTheta]

Running a mega-chapter is costly, especially one with housing. Very, very expensive. In addition, the actives expect the social aspects of membership that are highlighted in those (shallow) videos. A t-shirt for everything, too. And clothes, shoes, jewelry. Oh, okay, you guys know where I'm going with this.

I don't get it, myself. It's definitely a completely different ball game than when I was an active (God was a baby when I was in college).

Hell, college is ridiculously expensive!

Stating the obvious: once more I think this particular thread comes down to the tier system. Would we be reading and discussing this if the OP's daughter (and ten of her friends) had gotten into "better" tiered chapters that they "actually wanted"? Or if there was a clear understanding about RFM and the genuine effort to establish parity across chapter sizes? There is a thought-provoking opinion piece in the NYTimes that hit home with me, and I see its relevance to sorority recruitment and these unhappy pnms and moms. Take the time to read it and think about the implications, if you're so inclined.

[KSUViolet06]

Y'all.

There is less magic to connecting with your sorority than you think.

It takes effort.

Unless a chapter has like, 30 women in it, it is highly unlikely that come bid day, you will have met EVERYONE.

Whether there are 50, 100, 200, you are going to have to make some effort to meet everyone.

You are very blessed if you had met everyone, and everyone came up to you to introduce themselves when you got a bid. That does not happen.

My chapter when I received a bid had like 45 girls in it. I had been meeting them informally over the course of 2 weeks and still had not met everyone when I got a bid.

I had to hang out to meet people in a small chapter. You are going to have to do it in a large one.

[33girl]

NerdyGreek -

Aside from Greek life, how is your daughter liking the school itself?

If she loves it and the thing that she isn't liking is her sorority experience, she should probably cut her losses and move on and find a smaller, more intimate group she'll like better. Mega chapters at that school are not going away anytime soon.

But if she was relying on sorority to help her feel more comfortable at the school because she can't get acclimated, maybe she should think about transferring.

[NerdyGreek]

Originally Posted by 33girl

NerdyGreek -

Aside from Greek life, how is your daughter liking the school itself?

If she loves it and the thing that she isn't liking is her sorority experience, she should probably cut her losses and move on and find a smaller, more intimate group she'll like better. Mega chapters at that school are not going away anytime soon.

But if she was relying on sorority to help her feel more comfortable at the school because she can't get acclimated, maybe she should think about transferring.

Before rush, she loved it. She was hanging out with girls in her dorm, had made friends with students who are children of alum and thus had a tent to hang out at before football games.

She wanted to drop out of recruitment after the first two rounds. I told her I thought it was a good idea (despite my love of being Greek, and her having heard repeatedly about it). But her friends talked her into sticking with it. It was surprising as she was worried about the number of houses she had left, and was finding out most of these girls had even fewer choices (some were down to only one choice after the first two rounds. Once I heard that, I talked to her about suggesting that they all drop out. They'd have each other. In the end, I think they all pledged somewhere, but it sounds like it's fear of not being able to have a social life that motivated a lot of them - not a desire to be Greek.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by DubaiSis

The reason we tell girls they will eventually be happy, if they want to be, is because college freshmen are super special snowflakes who can't accept that this is a process of making friends, not their ascension to royalty. Nobody is going to bow and scrape at their feet. When rush is over there is a very real sense that all the love that was showered on them for the last week is gone. So the other house, their second choice (or their first choice if they got their second, or that house that dropped them after day one) would have been way better because the girls there would still be screaming and crying whenever they approach the door. Rush isn't real so there is a transition as these girls adapt to real college life and sorority membership.

Yes, this.

Originally Posted by TriDeltaSallie

I don't have any experience with being in a large SEC-type chapter. My entire chapter was the size of one pledge class there. Personally, I would not find the huge chapters to my liking at all, but that's because I like smaller and more manageable things. It's the same reason I would never attend a large church with multiple services or live in a big city. It feels incredibly impersonal to me. So in that sense, even though people will say you can find your people in a large sorority (and that is probably true enough), it doesn't mean that's the best fit for everyone.

And this. NerdyGreek, your daughter knew the size of the chapters going into recruitment. If it all feels so impersonal now, why did she initially think differently?

Originally Posted by NerdyGreek

Before rush, she loved it. She was hanging out with girls in her dorm, had made friends with students who are children of alum and thus had a tent to hang out at before football games.

She wanted to drop out of recruitment after the first two rounds. I told her I thought it was a good idea (despite my love of being Greek, and her having heard repeatedly about it). But her friends talked her into sticking with it. It was surprising as she was worried about the number of houses she had left, and was finding out most of these girls had even fewer choices (some were down to only one choice after the first two rounds. Once I heard that, I talked to her about suggesting that they all drop out. They'd have each other. In the end, I think they all pledged somewhere, but it sounds like it's fear of not being able to have a social life that motivated a lot of them - not a desire to be Greek.

at the bold.

First of all, you have no clue what those young women felt outside of what your daughter has told you. And secondly, did you really want your daughter to make important life decisions for other women because she's not happy with her options?

It sounds like your daughter was enjoying her time at school before recruitment. Her friends talked her into sticking with it, but it doesn't seem like that's what she wanted. Perhaps it's not the process and the expenses and the chapter from which she received a bid... maybe your daughter just doesn't want to be Greek?

[BraveMaroon]

I think that so many people rush thinking they'll have a perfect rush, pledge the *best* sorority, and immediately be surrounded by instant lifelong friends.

Being in a sorority is work. It's a PR campaign, it's time management, and networking, and event planning. Sometimes it's arts and crafts, sometimes it's peer counseling, or first aid. You're an advice columnist, mediator, hostess, fundraiser, and negoitiator. This is on top of being a student. And any offices held or commitees joined...

But learning to work hard together builds friendships worth maintaining. I appreciate the effort I put into it, because I look at the work I did in the 90s and know it paved the way for the young women who will be initiated next month. And I know that I am part of something much bigger with an amazing history.

It's trite, I know. But you will get out of it what you put into it.

[KSUViolet06]

Thought: Even at one of the largest Greek schools in the country, the majority of the student body is still NOT Greek.

There are definitely social opportunities outside of Greek Life.

[FSUZeta]

Is your daughter close friends with all the girls on her hall? No? She has been living in her dorm a lot longer than she has been in her sorority.

My point is making friends in the dorm or sorority takes time. If, after she has taken ALL her lunches and dinners there, attended ALL meetings and sorority events for several weeks, she feels there is no inkling of friendship, she can de-pledge before initiation.

[33girl]

I think it's not just the everyone gets a trophy culture, it's that their lives have been so much more regimented than in previous generations, even in what is supposed to be recreational time.

I mean...I never had "play dates." I went and knocked on my friend's door, or we all just ended up outside. The closest I got to "organized sports" was when our 4th grade class decided to pick kickball teams at the beginning of the year and keep them for the rest of the year. And that was our idea, not the teacher's. From what I get now, random pickup games of any sort are rare as hen's teeth. Combine all that with years of NCLB standardized testing and it's no wonder that young adults just think "I did this, so I should get that." It doesn't occur that friendship is a different story.

[NYCMS]

Originally Posted by 33girl

I think it's not just the everyone gets a trophy culture, it's that their lives have been so much more regimented than in previous generations, even in what is supposed to be recreational time.

I mean...I never had "play dates." I went and knocked on my friend's door, or we all just ended up outside. The closest I got to "organized sports" was when our 4th grade class decided to pick kickball teams at the beginning of the year and keep them for the rest of the year. And that was our idea, not the teacher's. From what I get now, random pickup games of any sort are rare as hen's teeth. Combine all that with years of NCLB standardized testing and it's no wonder that young adults just think "I did this, so I should get that." It doesn't occur that friendship is a different story.

Excellent point and I agree. Add in helicopter parents and it gets worse.

It's being called "Adjustment Disorder" in college counseling centers. Some kids are having a tough time in the real world on their own.

[TXDG]

Originally Posted by NYCMS

Excellent point and I agree. Add in helicopter parents and it gets worse.

It's being called "Adjustment Disorder" in college counseling centers. Some kids are having a tough time in the real world on their own.

I agree. My mother NEVER would have posted on Greek Chat for/about me, nor would she have posted something basically shaming the "system" for not treating me right. Not just picking on the OP but we've had a couple of threads this season with the common theme of "my daughter didn't get into the 'right' house and doesn't feel an instant connection, therefore the system is broken and must be fixed."

Sororities are the ultimate team environment - it's never about "me", it's about "we". The women must work together to achieve their goals, whether it's a higher GPA or a more robust social calendar or being more visible on campus. It doesn't function when a bunch of prime donnas are upset they aren't being fawned over. Roll up your sleeves, young ladies, and get to work.

I was unsure of my decision on Bid Day. I got my #1 pref but I still vividly remember a girl in my pledge class crying hysterically because she thought she was going to a different sorority (she later became a VP in our chapter, fwiw!). I felt like I didn't really have a solid friend group in my chapter until I moved into the house my sophomore year and I certainly didn't feel like I had bff's 1 week into my pledge period....but good Lord I didn't tell my mom about any of that stuff!! (Especially since they paid my dues!!) I knew I had to find my own path, the same advice my mom gave me in high school..."if you want a friend, you first have to be a friend."

[NerdyGreek]

There's an awful lot of (wrong) assumptions being made about me and my daughter on this thread. This is not the stereotypical situation with someone wishing they were in a top tier sorority. More like fish-out-of-water who actually wanted a sorority many snub their noses at.

I don't believe everyone needs to accept a system where girls are meant to feel so bad after going through rush that they feel their only option is to drop out of school. Or where only those that can afford the most expensive houses on campus should be allowed to rush. Or even where it's become common not to actually like the sorority you get a bid from. It's not like this at my alma mater or the university my alumni group is affiliated with and I don't understand why it's accepted at other universities.

[Kevin]

Parents and PNMs need to understand that FSL groups, while we do consult closely with the school, we are private organizations, we are available to whom we choose to be available to. If a student does not get a bid, we suffer zero heartburn because we got who we wanted. For so long as the FSL groups control their own recruitment, they are going to design programs to get the members they want. Not the other way around.

On a competitive campus, if you don't have the looks, the smarts, the charm and the recs, you don't stand a chance.

And FSL groups are fine with that.