Adopting a Snowflake

[ForeverRoses]

One of my Dad's friends was diagnosed with Huntington's disease right around the time his daughter was getting married. Since his daughter had a 50-50 chance of also having Huntington's disease, she and her husband decided not to have biological childen. They "adopted" embryos and now have a little boy.

(yes the daughter could be tested for Huntington's disease, but declined the test- at this point I think she would rather not know).

[pbear19]

Re the term snowflake: fwiw, of all the number of people I know IRL and online, we don't use that term. The most common I've heard is "frosties" or "snowbabies.". So if you really hate the term but don't want to just call them frozen embryos, which is what they are, there's a couple options.

[KSUViolet06]

I've heard of this. This seems like the route du jour for those who want kids, but don't want to adopt an older child, or be waiting for an infant FOREVER.

Random adoption related sidenote:

We have neighbors who are interested in adopting a newborn, but have been signed with an agency for 10 years and no match. To be frank, White infants are not the most common children placed for adoption so if you aren't interested in overseas adoption or adopting trans-racially, you are going to be waiting on that newborn for awhile (and really you may NEVER be chosen to adopt one.)

Not to mention that when a birth mom comes along who will be placing her (white) infant up for adoption with the agency our neighbors are with, said mom has her pick of at least 30 other birth families. They explained the process to me once, it seriously is like The Bachelorette: Adoptive Parent edition.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

I've heard of this. This seems like the route du jour for those who want kids, but don't want to adopt an older child, or be waiting for an infant FOREVER.

Random adoption related sidenote:

We have neighbors who are interested in adopting a newborn, but have been signed with an agency for 10 years and no match. To be frank, White infants are not the most common children placed for adoption so if you aren't interested in overseas adoption or adopting trans-racially, you are going to be waiting on that newborn for awhile (and really you may NEVER be chosen to adopt one.)

Not to mention that when a birth mom comes along who will be placing her (white) infant up for adoption with the agency our neighbors are with, said mom has her pick of at least 30 other birth families. They explained the process to me once, it seriously is like The Bachelorette: Adoptive Parent edition.

If you restrict yourself to adopting an infant (particularly one of the same race although there are reasonable disagreements over transracial adoption) that's pretty much the outcome. Yeah, adoption of older children isn't all cupcakes and rainbows, but when it becomes a competition for a healthy white baby vs any other combination of traits, races or ages it just comes off as selfish* to me. I'd rather see more people willing to foster and/or adopt older sibling groups. (And more services available, although around here at least there are a LOT of services and support, it's really impressive.)

*In many ways I see having kids at all as selfish, not in an inherently bad way or anything. And yes I know that once one is a parent it ends up being about the most selfless thing you can do, but having a kid in the first place is, whether for reasons of genetics or love or society's expectations, pretty self-focused. Totally willing to be convinced otherwise.

/would like to be a foster parent eventually, but can't afford it right now.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by pbear19

Re the term snowflake: fwiw, of all the number of people I know IRL and online, we don't use that term. The most common I've heard is "frosties" or "snowbabies.". So if you really hate the term but don't want to just call them frozen embryos, which is what they are, there's a couple options.

I just finally understood the whole point of the "snowflake" term. Duh, the embryos are frozen and snow is also frozen. I'm slow.

How about frozygotes?

[txAOII_15]

Originally Posted by 33girl

How about frozygotes?

makes me think of frozen yogurt...

[thetalady]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

They explained the process to me once, it seriously is like The Bachelorette: Adoptive Parent edition.

OMG... even thinking about this scares me. If we do, it will be on ABC/ NBC/ CBS as next season's newest reality show

Carnation, you are pretty close to sainted in my book. Don't let the questions here get under your skin.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

I'd rather see more people willing to foster and/or adopt older sibling groups. (And more services available, although around here at least there are a LOT of services and support, it's really impressive.)

Me too, but I get that people have their own reasons for wanting a newborn and not wanting a child who is of a diff race (they think that the child will have all types of identity crises, not bond with them, they wouldn't do a good job of maintaining the child's connection to his/her heritage, etc.)

I know several other people who have done so with none of the above issues, or if they had them, they continue to work through it and are doing fine.

Neighbor Couple chooses not to and that is their choice. I think it comes down to whether they'd rather face the chance of NEVER adopting, or choose to look at older kids/different races/siblings. They would rather do the former and are fully okay with that at this point. When you choose to only want a domestic-born white newborn, you know what you're up against.

Originally Posted by thetalady

OMG... even thinking about this scares me. If we do, it will be on ABC/ NBC/ CBS as next season's newest reality show

I can try to explain it. This is how it was explained to me (from our neighbors and another family friend who HAS adopted after years of waiting.) Warning, its long

So you decide you want a newborn. You contact a local (private) adoption agency. Not your state or county childen’s services dept. because you want a newborn, not an older child or a child with special needs or who has been abused/neglected by mom.

You fill out a mountain of paperwork that asks you 50 million questions about you and your spouse. You send them to the agency. You pay your agency sign-on fees. Lot of money.

You take about 6 months worth of classes on adoption, parenting, the financial cost of adoption, etc. Lot of money and time spent.

Then you pay for your homestudy. Homestudy is when a licensed social worker from the agency comes to your house, interviews you and your husband about tons of personal things: your marriage, health, finances, everything. You talk about issues pertinent to raising kids, how you were raised, your proposed parenting philosophies. They look at your home to see that it's appropriate for a baby. The homestudy worker is the person who decides whether you're fit to adopt. Based on all this info, references, etc. She/he compiles a report and sends it to the agency. The report either says "yes this couple is fit to adopt" or "no they are not for these reasons..."

You wait. And wait. And wait some more. Then the agency lets you know that your homestudy is approved and now you are officially a Waiting Family with the agency.

So you make a website or scrapbook about your family and give it to the agency. The agency keeps them for birth moms to look at when they are looking for a family for their babies.

You wait. You wait. You wait. Sometimes a year or 2 or more.

Like I said, the average baby being placed is not white. The average birth mom is not a perfect white woman in perfect health either. There's a good chance that mom has financial/drug/health/whatever issues/lack of access to prenatal care/etc (it's true of many birth moms because if they were stable, they wouldn't be looking to place their child.)

So if you are looking for a perfectly healthy white infant whose mom has had good prenatal care and is in perfect health, doesn't smoke, is well-educated, etc., you're going to be waiting awhile.

Then finally, a birthmom signs on with the agency whose future infant meets your specifications (white, newborn, healthy mom with no drug/health issues issues, etc.)

So birth mom decides what type of potential parents she would like to look at (many times there are hundreds to choose from.)

She decides that she wants her baby to be parented by 2 white middle class parents in their 30s who are college educated and have no other children. That narrows it down to like 30 couples.

So she looks at ALL of their scrapbooks.

The agency dooesn't rush her through the process. So it could take her months just to decide which of the 30 she's seen that she likes.

So you wait. All you know is that there is a mom who's pregnant with a baby that meets the things you're looking for in a child and perspective birth mom.

More waiting.

Finally she decides that she's interested in learning a little more about say 10 of the couples she has looked at. That includes YOU.

Exciting right? They call and you're all "ZOMG a mom is interested in us!!! We're going to be parents!!!"

Not so much. She only said she's interested. So you and the other 9 couples sign up for a phone interview with birth mom and her assigned agency worker.

You toss and turn for weeks thinking about this interview. Then it comes. Mom asks you tons of questions about things she wants to know about you.

Let’s say mom is Catholic. She is interested in you because your bio said you were and she wants her kid to be raised by Catholic parents. She might ask: Do you go to church? What religion would the child be raised in? What would you do if he decided he didnt want to be Catholic anymore?

They also ask the big questions: Would you be okay with an open adoption where I would have visitation every month? How about me coming to his birthday party every year? What would you tell him to call me? Mom? My name?

You obviously have to tread lightly here, (even if you're skeptical about having that much contact with birth mom) because if she thinks you may not agree to the level of openness she wants, you're going to get cut (for lack of a better word.)

So you wait for her to phone interview all the other couples. You don't know them, but you hope that somehow you stand out and she chooses to keep you on and look closer at you as a potential family.

Cue more waiting. Could be months. She has to make a decision and the agency does not rush her because it's all up to her.

You are on pins and needles everyday. Every time the phone riings, you think it's the agency. You're also on pins and needles because you know that at any time during this process, the birth mom has the right to COMPLETELY change her mind and decide to keep the baby. So it's always in the back of your mind that she could.

She finally decides that she is REALLY interested in 5 of the phone interview couples. That includes YOU. YAY. Again, they call you and let you know that she is interested in meeting you face to face. So you meet up at the agency for an in person interview.

She asks you a ton of question. Let’s say birth mom’s parents are divorced. She would never want her child’s parents to get divorced. So she asks you a bunch of questions about the strength of your marriage. Would you ever get divorced? Was there ever a time you considered it? Are your parents still married? What would you guys do if one of you cheated on the other?

You wait for her to interview the other 4 families and you pray to God that she likes you well enough to ask you back for the next step.

Meanwhile, you have to try and plan for a baby while cautiously keeping in the back of your mind that it may not work out. Remember, she may decide she’s not interested in you anymore. Or she may decide to keep the child. So you buy stuff (you’ve had a nursery set up since you started the process, but now that it seems like it might happen, you might go get a car seat, clothes, stroller, etc.) You are so excited because it looks like it might happen!

The agency might call you with follow up questions from mom. You answer. And you wait. Again, this is a BIG decision for birth mom so it takes a long time for her to make decisions. So you wait and every time the phone rings, you think it's the agency.

So you get the call that she has decided that out of the 5, she picked YOU and 2 other couples for the next step. The mom may be in her 8th or 9th month by this point. You are SO excited because you could potentially be parents in 2 months.

The last part, the families meet with birth mom for dinner. Sometimes she goes to their homes for dinner. Sometimes out to eat. (with the agency worker present.) You talk more indepth, but this is more hanging out than an interview. She already knows enough of your background, but this round is more about her feeling comfortable with you. You hope she likes you.

This part takes the longest. She knows that she needs to choose someone before the birth, but this is the final decision so she is really thinking hard because this could be her child’s family forever.

You wait. You are so close! You wait more. You have some meltdowns because the stress is high.

Finally, you get a call that Birth Mom has selected you to be the parents. The moment has arrived! Joy. You are finally going to be parents.

Not so fast. She hasn’t had the baby yet. Nothing is official until mom has the baby, signs the papers, and puts him in your hands (and depending on your state, even after that, she has x days to change her mind before it’s final.)

You wait for her to go into labor. When she does, you go to the hospital and wait. You are careful not to offend the birth mom by running in, being all “awww look at our baby!!!” and practically snatching him out of her arms because he is still hers at this point. You wait in the hallway util she feels ready for you to come and see him. You hold him, make conversation with mom and her family, then go home. And wait.

This part sucks because mom is in the hospital with her family and you are sitting at home. You know that this is the time when a lot of birth moms change their minds. They’re looking at the child’s face and they are totally torn and it’s a really emotional time for them.

The next day when you show up and it's time for mom to check out, one of 3 things happens.

1. Mom signs the papers, she cries, hands over the baby. You hug. She checks out. You go home with your new baby! Your x day waiting period goes by (mom has x days to change her mind.) She doesn’t. You live the rest of your lives with your new child (with monthly visits from birth mom or whatever you agreed to.)

2. Mom decides that she can’t do this. She does not sign the papers (she has that right.) The agency worker comes out into the hallway, tells you she decided to keep the baby. You go home to your nursery empty handed and cry.

3. Even worse, she DOES sign the papers. Everything in #1 happens. She checks out. You go home with your new baby. In whatever state you’re in, mom has x number of days to change her mind before it is final. You enjoy a week with your new baby and the next week, you get a call from the agency worker that Mom has changed her mind.

Our neighbors have yet to make it to phone interviews. My parents have friends who went through the entire process successfully and have a son. They also have friends who were selected as parents, but mom decided to keep her little girl a week before her due date.

As you can see, it’s not for the faint of heart. The process for adopting say, a special needs child, different race child, etc. or another type of child that is hard to place is very different.

[carnation]

My husband and I did a seminar once for local couples interested in international adoption. There were 13 couples and ten had actually had domestic babies in their homes who were reclaimed by the birthmothers. They knew that the chances of that happening in international adoption were practically nil.

Some states say that the birthmom can reclaim the baby any time during 6 months, which happened to a pledge sister of mine who'd had a baby for several weeks, and others have varying amounts of time. We personally know a couple whose child was reclaimed after 3 years because the birthmother lied about who the birthfather was; the real BF got out of jail and found out he had a child and wanted her...and got her, despite his police record.

So-- I can see loads of reasons why families would choose to parent snowflakes and some have them carried by surrogate moms overseas; there's only so much heartbreak you can take.

[DSTRen13]

Good job, KV, on your explanation. My husband & I are in the beginning stages of this whole mess right now & it's really intimidating. (We're sticking with infant adoption b/c we don't think that, as first time parents, we would be prepared to handle a lot of the issues that come with older child adoption. Also, the experience of parenting a baby is something that my husband would really miss if we went a different route.)

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by carnation

My husband and I did a seminar once for local couples interested in international adoption. There were 13 couples and ten had actually had domestic babies in their homes who were reclaimed by the birthmothers. They knew that the chances of that happening in international adoption were practically nil.

Some states say that the birthmom can reclaim the baby any time during 6 months, which happened to a pledge sister of mine who'd had a baby for several weeks, and others have varying amounts of time. We personally know a couple whose child was reclaimed after 3 years because the birthmother lied about who the birthfather was; the real BF got out of jail and found out he had a child and wanted her...and got her, despite his police record.

So-- I can see loads of reasons why families would choose to parent snowflakes and some have them carried by surrogate moms overseas; there's only so much heartbreak you can take.

Oh my word.

THREE years? Oh my. You know what though, as someone who has done a little research on adoption and read some about, I have heard of that scenario happening. Mom lies about dad to the agency (because she knows that dad has to sign off on it and knows he'd never agree to it if he knew she was pregnant.) Says he's dead or something. The adoption proceeds as if she is a single mom. A year or so later, dad hears through the grapevine that he has a kid. He gets pissed. Contests it in court and the adoption is overturned because the kid has a bio parent who never terminated his parental rights. Many times the adopted parents knew NOTHING about a dad so obviously they are crushed.

Sometimes dad is an upstanding citizen. Sometimes (like in the case of your sorortity sister) he's not.

Originally Posted by DSTRen13

Good job, KV, on your explanation. My husband & I are in the beginning stages of this whole mess right now & it's really intimidating. (We're sticking with infant adoption b/c we don't think that, as first time parents, we would be prepared to handle a lot of the issues that come with older child adoption. Also, the experience of parenting a baby is something that my husband would really miss if we went a different route.)

Good luck to you!

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

So, your definition of "attack" has really gone downhill, huh?

...

Oh no I attacked you.

...
...
...

I'm a horrible, horrible person for ellipsising you.


lol

iLaughed

Originally Posted by txAOII_15

makes me think of frozen yogurt...

I thought of frozen goats.

As much trauma as a child in the foster system has likely faced (and for the record, I believe "traumatized" is much more accurate than "damaged" or "in bad condition"), I think I would like to adopt an older child one day. I would hope that, as a mental health professional, I would have more tools than just lots of love under my belt but it would still be a struggle. The kids I work with have made this a really passionate issue for me. I hope it's something I can handle and I hope my future husband feels the same.

[greekdee]

I agree 110 percent with everything Carnation has said. One of my children is adopted from the Ukraine -- he was 7-years-old when we adopted him and is 15 now. He is a wonderful young man and such a blessing to our family. We can not imagine life without him............

HOWEVER

Not everybody has a positive experience with adoption. We became friendly with a family in our community who also adopted from the Ukraine a few years before we did. In this case, a 10-year-old boy who was very gregarious and loving when they met him at the orphanage, but turned into a terror within weeks of coming into their home. He was VERY physically violent towards the adoptive mother and other children in the home (two biological, three adopted), pushed their grandmother down the steps, tried to strangle the family cats, started fires inside the house several times and became a chronic runaway. He had a condition called Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), meaning he was not able to bond with people and was most likely a full-fledged sociopath. They tried everything to help this child and make him part of the family. Psychologists finally determined that this boy could not function or survive in a normal, typical family. They ended up getting him re-adopted by another family -- a pastor and his wife in California who had adopted 15 boys with RAD...it was like their mission or calling. They had little success with helping him, though. He did manage a slight relationship with the pastor, but completely blew off the wife. He was extremely promiscuous as a teenager, had several drug overdoes, lied, stole, you name it.

It is tragic beyond words, but he had been so neglected and so abused in early childhood, that he had emotionally shut down and there was no reaching him. It is a sad, sad situation that you see sometimes in the world of adoption. Well meaning people with huge hearts want to ride in and be the white knight who saves these children, thinking love will be enough. Well, they can't and it's not. Sometimes the affects from abuse and neglect are just too deep and devastating.

As for Carnation's use of the word "damaged", she's right -- it is a frequently used term within the adoption realm. I also agree that it is used to impart just how deeply scarred some children are from abuse and neglect. Potential parents need to be real about it...not entertain fantasies about whisking a child from an orphanage or foster care, lavishing them with love and we all live happily ever after. You hope and pray it works out, and do everything you can to promote, nurture and support such an outcome, but sometimes it doesn't happen, no matter what you do. People also have to realize that adoption is not always just about them and the child. It impacts everyone in their household, and beyond it to an extent. There is so much that has to be taken into account, and people willing to try to give a child a better life deserve to know exactly what they may be facing so that they can properly prepare.

Trust me, the word "damaged" as a descriptive term is nothing compared to what you'll see and hear once you begin the long and winding road of international adoption. (Can't speak for domestic, since I have not gone that route). Tragic stories, appalling conditions, pathetic adults, greed, corruption...oh, it is not for the faint of heart. It was, without a doubt, the biggest step of faith I have ever taken in my life.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by greekdee

I agree 110 percent with everything Carnation has said. One of my children is adopted from the Ukraine -- he was 7-years-old when we adopted him and is 15 now. He is a wonderful young man and such a blessing to our family. We can not imagine life without him............

Cool.

HOWEVER

Not everybody has a positive experience with adoption. We became friendly with a family in our community who also adopted from the Ukraine a few years before we did. In this case, a 10-year-old boy who was very gregarious and loving when they met him at the orphanage, but turned into a terror within weeks of coming into their home. He was VERY physically violent towards the adoptive mother and other children in the home (two biological, three adopted), pushed their grandmother down the steps, tried to strangle the family cats, started fires inside the house several times and became a chronic runaway. He had a condition called Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), meaning he was not able to bond with people and was most likely a full-fledged sociopath. They tried everything to help this child and make him part of the family. Psychologists finally determined that this boy could not function or survive in a normal, typical family. They ended up getting him re-adopted by another family -- a pastor and his wife in California who had adopted 15 boys with RAD...it was like their mission or calling. They had little success with helping him, though. He did manage a slight relationship with the pastor, but completely blew off the wife. He was extremely promiscuous as a teenager, had several drug overdoes, lied, stole, you name it.

Don't think anyone will deny such things.

It is tragic beyond words, but he had been so neglected and so abused in early childhood, that he had emotionally shut down and there was no reaching him. It is a sad, sad situation that you see sometimes in the world of adoption. Well meaning people with huge hearts want to ride in and be the white knight who saves these children, thinking love will be enough. Well, they can't and it's not. Sometimes the affects from abuse and neglect are just too deep and devastating.

I don't think anyone is past receiving help, but it isn't something that every family or even that any family can do safely or at all.

As for Carnation's use of the word "damaged", she's right -- it is a frequently used term within the adoption realm.

Which doesn't make it right. But that really wasn't the only phrasing objected to.

I also agree that it is used to impart just how deeply scarred some children are from abuse and neglect.

Yes, so does "batshit crazy." Neither of these are phrases that we would encourage people to call their children. The "adoption community" is pretty obviously NOT mental health professionals, and they shouldn't have to be, but they should be aware of what they're saying. And perhaps, more importantly, be aware that their children will read it or something like it one day.

Potential parents need to be real about it...not entertain fantasies about whisking a child from an orphanage or foster care, lavishing them with love and we all live happily ever after. You hope and pray it works out, and do everything you can to promote, nurture and support such an outcome, but sometimes it doesn't happen, no matter what you do. People also have to realize that adoption is not always just about them and the child. It impacts everyone in their household, and beyond it to an extent. There is so much that has to be taken into account, and people willing to try to give a child a better life deserve to know exactly what they may be facing so that they can properly prepare.

All still true.

Trust me, the word "damaged" as a descriptive term is nothing compared to what you'll see and hear once you begin the long and winding road of international adoption. (Can't speak for domestic, since I have not gone that route). Tragic stories, appalling conditions, pathetic adults, greed, corruption...oh, it is not for the faint of heart. It was, without a doubt, the biggest step of faith I have ever taken in my life.

And it's awesome that you did. However that doesn't make talking about the condition of a child as if she were a sofa on Craigslist a good thing.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by christiangirl

iLaughed


I thought of frozen goats.

As much trauma as a child in the foster system has likely faced (and for the record, I believe "traumatized" is much more accurate than "damaged" or "in bad condition"), I think I would like to adopt an older child one day. I would hope that, as a mental health professional, I would have more tools than just lots of love under my belt but it would still be a struggle. The kids I work with have made this a really passionate issue for me. I hope it's something I can handle and I hope my future husband feels the same.

If he doesn't we can co-adopt together, cg. (Though really, I DO want to foster at some point. I just have to see when i can fit the training in first.)

Oh gods why am I posting and not sleeping/studying. My comp exam is on THURSDAY.