lady_chem's Disappointing Recruitment

[sherrybaby]

those are valid points, I didn't think of those. I guess all I was saying is that some posters seemed to be making her out to feeling like DEF was beneath her, which wasn't the feeling I got. Hopefully everything works out for her!

[thetygerlily]

Originally Posted by 33girl

OK, at such a small school/rush I can say this with authority. ABC was NOT the best match for you. You have to trust the girls at ABC on this one. Don't be angry with them or think you failed - in chapters/rushes this small it's not as though you fell through the cracks. It's not a matter of liking someone or not liking someone, it's a matter of who fits where. There are women who went through rush that I loved to death but I knew they would not fit into our chapter or be happy there.

As someone who went through a very small system as well (~30 PNMs during formal with 3 chapters), this is what rings most true to me out of all the comments in this thread. When I went through, I was absolutely crushed that my ABC cut me. I was trying to figure out my chances of getting in through informal, whether it was worth joining another group, and just agonizing. I spent several hours trying to decide whether to sign my bid card for DEF. But you know what? I took a chance on DEF who really, really wanted me and they were right. I didn't fit in at ABC but I didn't realize it at the time. I didn't realize that for another year or two, not until I got to know all the chapters better. I still have a lot of respect for all of them, it just wasn't right for me.

So ditto what everyone else has said. I know it's hard- I really do. But put everything you've got into your new member period with DEF and see what happens. If it's not the right place for you, then you know you gave it your best effort & you can possibly try to go through formal again next year (but there's no way to know how that'll wind up). If it is the right place for you, then awesome. You took a chance and it paid off, big time. Membership is for life- while I am incredibly close to many of my chapter sisters several years after college, I'm also so proud to be part of my organization on a national level. Truly, you don't know until you try.

Best of luck to you.

[Splash]

Question? I often hear the phrase tossed around, they wouldn't fit in that chapter. What if that is the chapter they end up with a bid too? Would you still encourage them to give it a shot? Can a PNM really fit with any chapter through effort and open-mindedness?

[thetygerlily]

Originally Posted by Splash

Question? I often hear the phrase tossed around, they wouldn't fit in that chapter. What if that is the chapter they end up with a bid too? Would you still encourage them to give it a shot? Can a PNM really fit with any chapter through effort and open-mindedness?

Usually it's the chapter that has a clearer view of this- they are the ones who know the chapter the best and know what they need, want, and can deal with. A dealbreaker for one chapter might be highly desired in another chapter. Like leadership- you can't have a chapter full of leaders who don't also know how to follow. The leader goes through recruitment and has a lot to offer, but her first choice chapter doesn't see it the same way because they already have too many people with that character trait. Or vice versa with followers- a chapter full of followers with no clear leaders won't go anywhere. Okay, that's kind of a simplified version but hopefully that gets the point across. It doesn't always work out, we're all human. But ultimately the chapters are the authorities on best fit.

[BraveMaroon]

Unless you have a chapter full of clones, or unless the PNM is completely impossible and anti-social, any chapter of any size will have something to offer a PNM.

I had anywhere from 100-140 sisters in my 4 years of college life. I wasn't dearest friends with every one of them. There were some I didn't like very much, nor did they like me. And that's OK.

But did I fit in? Sure - because in my house, there was room for all of us - the studiers, the partiers, the reformed partiers who became studiers. The girls who wore Birkenstocks and the girls who wore Laura Ashley (I'm dating myself, but still).

Fitting in is the ability to be comfortable in your own skin and allowing the people around you to be comfortable in theirs.

I'm not saying the OP wasn't crushed and doesn't have the right to be crushed. She's welcome to feel how she feels - I think we're hopefully trying to encourage and offer perspective.

The beauty of sisterhood is that there's room for all kinds of people. And that becomes even more apparent after college - because maybe DEF has the reputation of being the preppy house at Learnmore U., but they're allegedly the granola girl house at X State. I've met enough of my sisters from other chapters and they're as different as can be. Which is great - because it's more interesting that way.

It would be easy for me to say, "But I just KNOW I would have made a great ABC." That's possibly true, but that's not the point. The point is that ABC didn't think I'd make a great ABC, and I could sit around and wonder why, or I could get out there and have some fun as a DEF.

I know what I would pick.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

I think that we're coming off a little harsh on ladychem because she just happens to be the nth NM to post something like this in the last few months. We really got into the general topic of "NM's who don't feel they fit" and it just happens to be on her thread.

I really hope she does give it a chance, as I hope all NM's do.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by Splash

Question? I often hear the phrase tossed around, they wouldn't fit in that chapter. What if that is the chapter they end up with a bid to? Would you still encourage them to give it a shot? Can a PNM really fit with any chapter through effort and open-mindedness?

That honestly depends on the size of the chapter and the Greek system as a whole.

It also depends if that phrase means "I felt like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs" or "I felt like Grace Kelly in a room full of Roseanne Barrs."

But in general, making a permanent decision that you "don't fit" is not advisable if you've given it less than 72 hours, no matter the size of the group.