Military Spouses, Parents and Families

[Army Wife'79]

I LOVED being stationed at Ft. Campbell. It was a great 2 years for us. It's on the border of KY/TN so all stores and restaurants are in Clarksville, TN. Nashville is about an hour away. Hopkinsville KY was a cute little town with some good restaurants. Where is he stationed now?

[SthrnZeta]

He's at Ft. Gordon now for his Capt Career Course and wants to stay because his family is only 3 hours away in Canton, GA. but he didn't get into the 53 course. He was at Ft. Hood before which was a long way away from family and was in Iraq for a year and only got back just about a year ago. He's very angry to have to deploy again and wants to get out and go Guard when he does (his contract is up about the time he gets home from this deployment). I just don't want him to leave at all - we will only have been dating about 6 months when he moves to Campbell and he's supposed to deploy sometime in February which would put us at 8 months. We've decided to stay together while he's gone but I'm worried the relationship won't last and this is a guy I can see myself marrying - and he has said the same thing. When he comes back it'll be like starting over! At the same time though, I feel like I need more of a commitment before he leaves so I feel more secure in the relationship - not necessarily getting married, but engaged maybe...? My parents feel the same way, my dad even said he'd like to see us married before he leaves for a lot of reasons (not just the benefits) but I don't think that's an altogether great idea. Of course, my parents grew up in a different time (they're both in their 60's) so it's hard to relate sometimes...

[scbelle]

Well, maybe you could at least get engaged before he leaves *wink, wink*

The reason I say that is because I know that as an FRG leader, we weren't allowed to share information with girlfriends of soldiers because they are not "family." The information that we sent (and meetings that we held) were for the spouses or fiancees of the soldiers. Other FRGs may give a little leeway, I don't know. I just remember our BN (battalion)commander saying that for OPSEC (operational security) reasons, we couldn't give out info to someone who was just a girlfriend.

Sorry, I had to go through and clarify the acronyms... they take over my speech and I forget not everyone knows what they mean!!

[SthrnZeta]

Originally Posted by scbelle

Well, maybe you could at least get engaged before he leaves *wink, wink*

The reason I say that is because I know that as an FRG leader, we weren't allowed to share information with girlfriends of soldiers because they are not "family." The information that we sent (and meetings that we held) were for the spouses or fiancees of the soldiers. Other FRGs may give a little leeway, I don't know. I just remember our BN (battalion)commander saying that for OPSEC (operational security) reasons, we couldn't give out info to someone who was just a girlfriend.

Sorry, I had to go through and clarify the acronyms... they take over my speech and I forget not everyone knows what they mean!!

I didn't know Fiances had more knowledge than girlfriends - I always thought it was whomever the soldier put on the list to receive info, but from the few women I know who belong to FRG's, they tend to favor direct family and spouses/fiances for sure. I just don't even know how to broach that subject. We talked over dinner the other night and I voiced my concerns over the security of our relationship and I honestly feel like we're ready to get engaged but I didn't say that exactly. My father would certainly feel better about it. I just don't wanna be pushy but I'd feel a lot better about us as a couple and about being able to find out stuff about his unit and important dates, not to mention just keep in touch with other families. I told my Mom I thought it'd be better coming from my dad, but now I'm not so sure... (we have dinner there every Sunday so my dad and he talk a lot already, usually about electronics, etc.) And I appreciate the acronym translations, I've been out of the Army loop for a while so I don't remember them all, and I'm sure I'll need to know as many as possible! Any advice on how to talk about getting engaged...?

[LPIDelta]

SthrnZeta~ Be open and honest with him. But I have a feeling you don't really need to say anything--from what you've said, it sounds like he may be thinking the same thing??? You have lots of time before February...and the holidays are usually a great time for engagements. Why not wait and see what happens, and if no engagement comes by New Years, then talk to him?

On a personal front, I have a long list of situations that have happened that would only happen when my husband is deployed, and this weekend it was a doozy. Possums have invaded my yard, and one of my three dogs got one Saturday morning. At first, I thought it was a frayed rope toy, but then I remembered that we don't have a rope toy right now. Sure enough, dead possum. And of course the dog kept trying to bring it to me!

So I called the city, and they pick up dead animals, but only if they are at the curb. So I act a little "girly" for a while trying to think of a big strong man to call to come take care of the dead possum, before I finally "man up" and take care of it myself. I use a shovel to put him in a bag and the city picked him up from the curb about an hour later. I walked the yard and crawled under the deck to see where the possums might be living, but no sign of anything. Meanwhile, I keep an eye on the dogs to make sure they are ok, and all is well... until last night.

I left for about an hour and left the dogs out in the yard so they could get their last runs in before the week starts. I see the same dog carrying something--yup, another possum! I couldn't find a flashlight so I used to candle to inspect. I get the dogs in the house, get the shovel and a garbage bag, and package the little guy up again. Called the city for pick up in the morning. But something was bugging me. I wondered if he was just "playing possum"--but when I was trying to shovel him up I flipped him over so many times, I was convinced that he had to be dead. Out to the curb, but I left the bag open a little, just in case.

This morning, went outside and the bag was still there, but the possum was gone. Upon inspection of the bag, he had left a little present. Its possible something else got him, but I don't really think so. The possum was gone, and likely will turn up in my yard again tonight! The good news is, I am now an official possum wrangler!

Of course, none of this would happen if my husband were home.... If he came home tomorrow, we would never see another possum again!! Ah, I love deployments...

[SthrnZeta]

LPI, that's an excellent idea - really puts my mind at ease We were driving down Milledge in Athens, GA (where all the Greek housing is at UGA) and I was making a comment about how if I ever have a daughter I'm gonna get her all the ZTA legacy stuff and how neat it would be to be at her initiation if she went ZTA and he was saying how he hopes his kids go to UGA like he did, etc. and he definitely slipped up and said "our kids" more than once And he agreed with me that he was thinking marriage in the future for us, but I don't know if he'll want to make that commitment before he leaves - I would just feel better if I had a stronger commitment when he left for my own piece of mind. Being able to look down at my finger and remember we have that to look forward to sure would be nice, ya know?

Your possum story was hilarious, btw! Typical that you have stuff like that when he's gone - what am I gonna do with all the spiders when he's gone???

[amanda6035]

My husband and I are both Navy veterans. I served 1999-2003, he served 1997-2007 (he separated August 30th, we got married a month ago today).

Ever since I separated in 2003, I've continuously supported servicemembers through adoptaplatoon.org. I went on 2 deployments during my time in, and received care packages and letters from random people. I promised I would do the same thing for other servicemembers. I'm currently supporting my 6th servicemember in the 4 years since I've been out.

[Smallwondergurl]

hello ladies I too am a Military Spouse, we just pcsed here at the end of August to the UK, I am not a GLO member, but I am looking into it but i wanted to focus on school for a full two years before i decide on it, might as well i have 4 years here to accomplish alot of goals in that time. My Husband is Air Force we met while stationed at Ramstein and got married back in 2002. I recently separated from active duty and chose to be a mom and a student.

[SthrnZeta]

Well, I have an update on the Christmas plans... he wants to exchange gifts before he leaves to go traveling with his family for Christmas. I am a total snoop and when he left his ebay SN up on my computer, I had to see what he was buying (plus he told me my gift came from ebay) and I saw what he's getting me for Christmas - a Coach purse I've been eyeing. Still, a very nice and thoughtful gift, not a ring, but still very cool. AND we ended up buying a townhouse/condo and we close next month right before he leaves. Sooo... my point is that we've definitely made a huge commitment and he continues to make comments about our future when he returns (we'll have two incomes, our next house we'll use the VA, etc.) so I'm not too worried now. He doesn't seem to like the fact that the listing agent for the house assumes we're engaged though... So yeah, I'd still like to get engaged before he leaves but I get the feeling this deployment may be a test for me. Any thoughts??

[amanda6035]

I'm cynacle when it comes to men and the military, I guess it comes from being active duty and seeing it first hand. Commitments are good, the townhouse thing sounds like a step in the right direction...but even still. Deployments blow, and you gotta be able to trust your man, and I can tell ya, that's hard. Not necessarily because you feel you cant trust him, but because deployments are long, and time away from home is hard, and the light at the end of the tunnel never seems to close in, etc etc. I only endured one deployment from the "significant other" side of things, and it was by far the hardest, most difficult thing I had EVER been through in my life. I got weekly phone calls that always got cut off because of the satellite, email would be down for days or weeks on end, and mail was slow. Thank god for technology, because before the days of email, I dont know if I could have been one of those perfect little girlfriends waiting patiently at home.

Here'c the cynacle part of it - you mentioned that deployment may be a test for you....in my eyes, thats unfair. Because to me, that says he can go tromping around overseas, doing whatever the hell he wants, and could ultimately decide, "Nah, she's not for me" and then, you've just wasted 6 months, a year, whatever - waiting patiently on him to come home, only to find out he's a bastard who's going to say goodbye. I dont blame you for wanting to be engaged first either - thats what I told my then-boyfriend, when we started having "the talk." It was summer 2005, he was leaving in May 2006 for deployment. I told him I honestly didnt think I could be "just a girlfriend" while he was on deployment. I told him I wasnt going to waste my time for something that wasnt a sure thing. Sure, engagements can break up too, but I guess I'm just one of those people that feel like if you're engaged, you're going to work a little bit harder at keeping things together, rather than just saying "screw you, I want to break up."

[NutBrnHair]

Originally Posted by SthrnZeta

AND we ended up buying a townhouse/condo and we close next month right before he leaves. Any thoughts??

You BOTH are signing on the loan?

[SthrnZeta]

No, the loan will be in his name and we'll both be on title. I'll be paying the mortgage and utilities while he's gone and I believe he's got homeowner's insurance covered through USAA since he already has his car insured through them.

I agree that I would feel better if we were engaged when he left, but at the same time, he's already shelling out quite a bit of money on closing costs, etc. for the house that I'll be living in while he's gone (not to mention it's mostly his furniture in the place) so it seems wrong to say, honey, shell out some more for a ring while you're at it, ya know? I feel like we're already making a huge commitment but I worry too because I've been the girlf to a deployed soldier before and it went very badly so I have some trust issues of my own for sure (not to mention my parents also worry it won't work out and they adore him). I agree with you Amanda that it'll be easier to work at it for real if we're engaged, vs only dating. I'm not sure if I should just wait until after the holidays and give him the time to come up with it on his own and since he's already talking the talk if he'll walk the walk and just do it or if I should just be honest now...?

And BTW, he'll be gone for a whopping 15 months!

[LPIDelta]

Amanda--yes, I would say you are cynical. And I usually am too. I was engaged twice to military men before I met the man that is now my husband--and getting engaged did nothing to ensure that our relationship remained strong. It takes work and effort, and in the end me wanting it didn't make things stick. I've come to realize that the military doesn't make people cheat or give up on relationships--the people do.

SthrnZeta--make sure you get a POA (power of attorney) before he leaves, especially if you're getting a house together. Obviously getting a house together is a big sign of a commitment, so you want to make sure that you are protected in case anything happens.

An update from my world--the list of things that-would-only-happen-while-he's-gone continues to grow. Someone hit my car a few weeks ago. I'm fine but it is really making me appreciate how great my spouse is, because he would have taken care of everything and even driven me to get my car when its done.

[Army Wife'79]

I'm sorry but this could be a potential train wreck. A POA should not be given to anyone other than a spouse, but then again I know more than a few soldiers who were wiped out by their wives who got tired of being alone, played around, cashed out all his accounts with the POA, bought fancy cars with the POA, and left him oweing everyone.
And I would never recommend him putting the loan in his name but you on the deed unless you two run off to Vegas and get married over Christmas. He should talk to the JAG about all this before he deploys to get some legal guidance. Seriously, you need to get a ring on your finger, even if it's only a quarter carat.

[LPIDelta]

If he is putting her on the deed, then she needs a POA to be able to take care of things while he is gone or in case (god forbid) something happens. He's not here getting advice, she is. If a change needs to be made on a utility account or loan payment or the bank isn't depositing things where it needs to go, she will have a much easier time addressing those issues with a POA than he will from Iraq.

Do I think its smart on his part that both are not on the loan? No. Do I think its smart to put someone on the deed that is not financially tied to the house--no. But if he trusts her enough to live in his house and expects her to pay for the mortgage while he is gone, then he should trust her enough to give her a POA, without a ring. She needs to protect her interests, too.

If he isn't comfortable giving a POA, then maybe they should break up and they shouldn't move in together.