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Long article about Desperate Housewives, but WORTH IT!
Hey there,
I read this in the GLOBE & MAIL (a Canadian newspaper) and this article had me LMAO. I pasted it for you to enjoy (since newspapers have an annoying habit of moving the link and then you can't access it to read it anymore...booo).
ENJOY!
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how will it end?
It began with a suburban mother blowing her brains across her perfectly polished living-room floor, before moving on to subplots involving arson, blackmail, murder, kinky sex and porta-potty theft. As Desperate Housewives careens to tomorrow night's season finale, VICTOR DWYER, GAYLE MacDONALD and MARYAM SANATI wonder . . .
By VICTOR DWYER , GAYLE MACDONALD and MARYAM SANATI
Saturday, May 21, 2005 Page R1
Victor: There are way too many unsolved mysteries and unuttered secrets among the ladies of Wisteria Lane to be resolved in a single season-ender. In fact, it may never be revealed how the otherwise insanely jealous Carlos keeps not noticing that his hunky gardener is always hiking up his jeans just as Carlos gets home from work. And we may go to our graves wondering why Rex Van De Camp continues to get his heart pills from a pharmacist who openly wishes him dead.
But some dots are bound to be connected tomorrow. Maryam, I believe you think you've solved one big mystery?
Maryam: At the intrigue level, Desperate Housewives is about as complicated as an episode of Murder She Wrote. Or Clue -- there's only one person of each kind on Wisteria Lane: one slut, one plumber, one raging Republican redhead, and one long-ago kidnapped baby. That baby, of course, had a mother.
Fact: Zach started out life as the infant Dana, born to a poor, unfortunate drug addict.
Fact: His mom, Mary Alice, was a drug-rehab nurse (named Angela) before she and Paul kidnapped him. I think she met the birth mother in the rehab place.
Fact: The only other drug addict that's ever been mentioned on the show is the late Deirdre, the woman Mike the plumber once loved, killed for, and whose murderer he seeks today on Wisteria Lane.
And fact: Deirdre was hacked up and stuffed into a toy chest that belonged to Mary Alice and her husband.
Ergo, Deirdre was Zach's birth mother. Years ago, she came to Wisteria Lane to find her son, but got offed by either Mary Alice or Paul or both, who feared being discovered, and wanted to protect their shifty-eyed kid. (What is with that boy?) Guilt over that crime is the real reason Mary Alice shot herself.
And so, you can figure out who Zach's real dad is now, which sets up an interesting scenario of Mike having to come to grips with his new parenthood, and his girlfriend Susan having to adjust to being quasi-stepmom to a kid who frightens her.
And yes, ultimately, I'm even more interested in Bree's devil son and his machinations. Poor Bree.
Victor: Poor Bree. Even though she put onions on Rex's salad when she knew he was allergic to them; and even though she thinks her son won't get into heaven if he likes guys; and even though she's a member of the NRA; and even though she makes Martha Stewart look laid-back (I love how she put Rex's handcuffs in the dishwasher before using them), I love Bree. I want to know her, and sit and laugh with her and be her friend and talk about whatever comes up. Besides, Rex may be henpecked, but he's a handful.
Gayle: Poor Bree?! That woman is a total nut. She looks like a mannequin, and the arch in those eyebrows. . . . If poor Rex's ticker does finally give out, it would be a blessing for him. Unfortunately, I predict he's going to hang in for season two, and live to groggily see his obsessive-compulsive wife hauled away by the hand-twitching George the pharmacist (he who gets an erection in front of kiddies at the mini-golf). Once the psycho George has Bree all to himself, he's going to fully snap, pulling out some of the S & M toys he absconded with after going through Rex's closet.
My own favourite character is the kid-strapped Lynette, who doesn't get near the respect she deserves from her lame-duck husband. Sure, she took the meddling a bit far by asking the boss's wife not to promote Tom because he'd have to travel more. But hey, it was a well-meaning marital mistake.
In any case, I think the newly unemployed Tom's going to snap -- and walk out the door, leaving Lynette to go loony with those hellion kids. Who wants to bet he'll hop on the plane to Hawaii with his former flame, the curvaceous Annabel, who got the promotion Lynette nixed for Tom?
Victor: Tom may in fact be Hawaii-bound, and looking for the kind of lei Lynette does not want him to have around his neck. Remember way back, when a bloated Ryan O'Neal guest-starred as Tom's visiting dad? Lynette walked in on him making out with a woman other than his wife and freaked. Later, Tom confessed to his father that he, too, had a dark secret that would end his marriage if Lynette ever got wind of it. Tom's imminent departure would also explain why Doug Savant is the show's only major actor always listed as a guest star. Yes, I watch the credits.
Maryam: According to one blog, the writers had been concocting a second family for Tom somewhere, but I think at minimum they'll give him a love child. Think about it: He's never home. So Tom's secret isn't that he's gay. If you're looking for a gay "reveal," Rex Van De Camp seems to me as closeted as the day is long.
Victor: That would explain why he cries after he ejaculates, as Bree so sensitively announced at one of their dinner parties.
Gayle: There are a few genetic wires crossed on this show, but I believe the strapping heterosexual is adequately represented by Carlos, who only married his tramp of a wife Gabrielle for her bod. And Mike, who likes to get a leg over with the buxom Susan, but whose eye wanders. Didn't you think he was just a tad too interested last week in Edie's gift of doughnuts?
Victor: Mike definitely has an eye for Edie's bits, Tim or otherwise (Sidebar: a reference to Canadian donut chain, Tim Hortons...their donut holes are called TIMBITS). And frankly it might draw Susan even closer to Mike if he checked out Edie's drive-through this week. Susan likes bad boys, most notably her ex-husband, who disrobed her on the sidewalk.
But Susan's hard to predict. She pines over Mike ad nauseam, then announces it's a potential relationship-breaker that he wants kids (aside from Zach, who, if Maryam is right, is his but he doesn't know it). Her ovaries have got to be all dried up and windblown at her age. She is not about to have kids with anyone, unless, of course, she finds out she's pregnant in tomorrow night's show. Then I'm wrong.
Maryam: Will Carlos finally find out about the gardener and his wife? Will Gaby trip over a garden hose and have a miscarriage? What about the street finding out about Bree's son being the hit-and-run driver who killed Mama Solis, Carlos's mom? And about Paul blender-bashing neighbour Martha Huber to death after he discovered it had been her leaving the blackmail notes -- "I know what you did. It makes me sick. I'm going to tell" -- that prompted Mary Alice's season-opening suicide?
Gayle: There have been hints out of DH Central at ABC that two big twists are coming. First, someone will be killed off. And -- shock! -- Gaby will have a new paramour. Also, either Paul or Tom will be knocked off the show.
My guess: Paul will be killed by Mike, because Mike knows Paul killed Deirdre. He'll be assisted by Felicia, who moved into her sister Martha's house after Paul blender-bashed Martha, and who is a bad egg. (The bangs give her away.) Perhaps Felicia is Zach's birth mom, which I admit would negate Maryam's theory that Deirdre and Mike are Zach's parents.
An alternative DOA is Tom, killed by Lynette's arthritic neighbour, who uses her much-mentioned Tiffany lamp to break up a fight between Tom and Lynette. At the funeral, Annabel shows up with Tom's love child. As for Gaby, she'll have a miscarriage. All of which will teach her that men are no longer for her. She's going to switch to the other team -- and sidle up to that anything-goes vamp, Edie.
Victor: I'm glad I'm not neighbours with either of you.
At least if Gabrielle hooks up with Edie, we can stop having to hear the gardener call her Mrs. Solis even when they're in bed. What's that about? It's like how Charles always referred to Camilla as Mrs. Parker-Bowles. Very Oedipal.
Personally, I think horny old Edie could end up with the swing-starved Rex. He's had it with Bree, and Edie came right to Rex's defence two weeks ago when she caught Bree in a restaurant spoon-feeding the pharmacist in a lascivious way.
And yes, the street will discover that Bree's bisexual son (I love repeatedly and gratuitously pointing out that he's bisexual) ran over Mama Solis. It's not out of the ballpark that he then is sent to prison and becomes the cellmate of Carlos, the man whose mother he recklessly killed. He'll be on the bottom, and I don't mean bunk.
The only mystery that still nags at me now is: What setting do you wash bondage instruments on? Tough scrub? Sanitize? I assume definitely Extra Rinse. . . .
Maryam: I'll answer that by saying: You're both so wrong -- Gayle about Mike, and Victor about Susan. At the last minute, as Mike holds a steel pipe over Paul Young's head, Susan will run in and say, "The rabbit died!" And Mike'll let the cops take it from there.
Besides, all three actors playing the Youngs -- Mary Alice's voice included -- are signed to return next season, when apparently we're also going to find out that Edie has a young son who normally lives with his father.
I also guess that Alfre Woodard, who moved onto Wisteria Lane at the end of last week's show as the new permanent character Betty Applewhite, is fleeing an abusive husband. Best name ever, by the way.
And I predict Teri Hatcher will get to stand in the middle of the next Vanity Fair photo shoot.
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EDIE BRITT
Local slut, and that's saying something in this neighbourhood. House was inadvertently burned down by Susan Mayer, whose boyfriend, Mike, Edie covets. Had been best friends with Martha Huber, whose blackmailing may have led to suicide of Mary Alice, whose husband, Paul, has since murdered Martha with a blender.
LYNETTE SCAVO
Former high-powered suit, now tormented mother of three junior-school thugs and a newborn she has never once even glanced at. Husband, Tom, just got fired thanks to Lynette's meddling. For a while, addicted to her kids' ADD medicine. Once pretended son had cancer so she could secure a sympathy spot in yoga class.
BREE VAN DE KAMP
Dubya fan and wife of Rex, a man who likes S & M (especially M) and is being slowly killed by his pharmacist, who has a shining for Bree. Retained a minister to convert her bisexual son to straightness. Reluctantly admits she enjoys 'the tactile sensation of running my tongue over a man's nipple.'
GABRIELLE SOLIS
Former model, now trophy wife of Carlos, who replaced her birth-control pills with placebos, unaware she was sleeping with their teenage gardener. Carlos just now heading to prison for corporate fraud and violent outbursts on two gay men he mistakenly thought were bedding Gabrielle.
SUSAN MAYER
Single mother, fancies herself a romantic. Willfully ignores evidence that boyfriend Mike, an ostensible plumber, has been murdering neighbours. Kitchen recently firebombed, perhaps by Zach, demented teen son of Paul and the deceased Mary Alice, who may have kidnapped Zach when he was a baby.
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