Courthouse Ceremony then "Real" Wedding?

[LPIDelta]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I've known people who've done something similar and didn't even tell anybody about the first wedding until years later.

I did this. Had a courthouse wedding and then a year to the day had a church wedding. Yes, it was technically a vow renewal, but our guests didn't know the difference. Hindsight though--I wish we hadn't done it that way.

He did give me a ring--although mine was a tanzanite ring that I wore on my finger until he gave me my "engagement" ring several months later (We did everything very last minute.)

[Munchkin03]

I would get married legally without letting anyone know--maybe my best friend?--and then have the big wedding ceremony. Best of both worlds, I say.

[Army Wife'79]

Aye yi yi. I have seen this often, and it never ends up pretty. OK, one time it did but they got married and didn't tell a soul, not mom, not best friend, not even the dog. The only evidence was the Mil ID in her wallet (hidden) and she only pulled it out at the PX, or Commissary etc. She did tell everyone 10 years later. "Loose lips sink ships" and it's sooo hard to keep the trap shut in these matters. Why? Although ppl say they don't care, they do, and at the last minute they will start to "bail" on you and will say snarky things like "what's the big deal, they're already married" and it really takes away from your day. Plus, if you tell the BFF's they will get you presents and then a year later ppl just feel like "I've already given them a gift, I don't need to go to this one". I know they say they will, but I've seen so many of these go sour. To the point that the Bride and groom just say "screw it, we'll forget the big wedding".
Can you just speed things up and do it in Sept. w/o the best man of choice? I would personally go that route. Men understand and are cool with this.
If you are doing it just for the Tricare and his BAH, you need to "worst case scenario" it and say who is the best person, you or his mom, to move out to Walter Reed for a year or more if he's in rehab and comes home w/o limbs etc. This is just too serious for me to sugar coat it for you. Sorry.

[kddani]

From an etiquette standpoint, getting married legally then having another "wedding" isn't appropriate.

Of course, lying to your guests and making them think they were there to share in the happiness and witness your marriage probably isn't kosher with the etiquette mavens either.

I'd be pretty ticked if I went to a wedding, spent the money on hotel, gas/airplane, food, GIFT, etc. then found out after the fact that the couple had lied and were already married. It's in all around poor taste to lie to people!

If you want to get married for the military benefits, then do it. Just don't be bummed when people think it's inappropriate that you try to do all of the BWW (big white wedding) things after you're already married- bachelorette, shower, huge "wedding," etc.

[NutBrnHair]

Which do you want more... a "marriage" starting this September, or a "wedding" next September.

Personally, I would not do both.

[APhi Sailorgirl]

Originally Posted by SthrnZeta

I'm wearing that dress and walking down an aisle damn it!

Originally Posted by NutBrnHair

Which do you want more... a "marriage" starting this September, or a "wedding" next September.

I think these two statements side by side are something to read and really think about.

Honestly when I worked for the Navy, this happened all the time, some people even went years before having "the big wedding."

If you love him, no matter what, then you have to decide what you want more. You can't have your cake and eat it too, especially if there's a good chunk of time between the two events.

[kddani]

Which do you want more... a "marriage" starting this September, or a "wedding" next September.

I think that's the perfect way to put it. Sometimes in life things don't turn out exactly how we dreamed, or we have to make choices that change those dreams.

Do you want a happy marriage that will last the rest of your life? Or is it more important to have one big day where you're the center of attention and get presents? And the wedding isn't just about the bride, its about BOTH people, and their families.

If you want to get married then have a reception to celebrate your vows, have your marriage blessed by a priest or whatever religious figure, etc. down the road, at least be honest about it. But whatever it is, it just is not the BWW that you want to have here. But the marriage is what counts, right?

[SthrnZeta]

Originally Posted by Army Wife'79

Aye yi yi. I have seen this often, and it never ends up pretty. OK, one time it did but they got married and didn't tell a soul, not mom, not best friend, not even the dog. The only evidence was the Mil ID in her wallet (hidden) and she only pulled it out at the PX, or Commissary etc. She did tell everyone 10 years later. "Loose lips sink ships" and it's sooo hard to keep the trap shut in these matters. Why? Although ppl say they don't care, they do, and at the last minute they will start to "bail" on you and will say snarky things like "what's the big deal, they're already married" and it really takes away from your day. Plus, if you tell the BFF's they will get you presents and then a year later ppl just feel like "I've already given them a gift, I don't need to go to this one". I know they say they will, but I've seen so many of these go sour. To the point that the Bride and groom just say "screw it, we'll forget the big wedding".
Can you just speed things up and do it in Sept. w/o the best man of choice? I would personally go that route. Men understand and are cool with this.
If you are doing it just for the Tricare and his BAH, you need to "worst case scenario" it and say who is the best person, you or his mom, to move out to Walter Reed for a year or more if he's in rehab and comes home w/o limbs etc. This is just too serious for me to sugar coat it for you. Sorry.

The problem with this is he really has his heart set on certain people being there and they are all deployed right now and won't be home until after he will next year. Also, my dream venue has to be booked exactly 1 year out on a lottery system so we would have to scramble to put something together for this September and it would be half-assed - something a pledge sister of mine did right before she deployed and ultimately she's not happy with it. The plan for her was to have a small wedding down on the beach in FL and have a big shin dig up in DC when she returned home since her first year of marriage would have been spent apart and so many people would not have been there for the small one but now she's home on emergency leave and if things go the way they're going she will end up staying home and never having the big wedding that her husband and family wanted because she knows it wouldn't be appropriate.

Your statements are exactly what I was worried about and J only sees this as paperwork and didn't seem to realize the ramifications of this until I talked to him today. I don't want to lie to our guests and I'm hoping that having a nice wedding for them to attend next year will entice them (if that's even the right word) to come down to GA and celebrate with us. All of the guests will know our situation as far as his deployment and stuff goes so I'm hoping that they will be understand and be considerate enough to go along with our plan. True, it's not exactly kosher according to etiquette rules but I'd rather be open about it than lie to everyone and have people be really pissed at us. I won't be expecting any gifts and such until next year for the big day and I hope to make this very clear to our guests as to our intentions and why/how we're doing this.

Also, J was kinda upset he would most likely miss out on his bachelor party since a lot of the guys are deployed so we compromised and I decided that if we do this I'll have mine this summer and he can do his next year. Not sure if that's kosher either but he feels it's ok and I feel it's not so we compromised like that.

He still has to talk to his parents and see how they feel about it - I would assume they'd want to be there (that was my mom's first question when I told her). But if they have serious reservations about this, then we may wait after all... As to who would be there for him should a serious injury occur, I really don't know how to answer that. I think I would be devastated if I couldn't be there but then again so would his mother. As to who he would want there, I really don't know but I feel like it would be me. So far on this deployment, he calls me every week like clockwork with occasional e-mails, his parents get a call every few weeks. That's not to say he's not close with his parents, cuz he is, but he definitely keeps me more up to speed with things and I usually seem to know more about how things are going than his mom when I talk to her. I also get calls from the FRG group updating me on meetings and things that happen in his battalion.

I guess ultimately we should do what we feel is right for us - I care about wedding etiquette but at the same time it doesn't fit with everything we have planned so we may have to just fudge some things I guess.

[SthrnZeta]

Originally Posted by NutBrnHair

Which do you want more... a "marriage" starting this September, or a "wedding" next September.

Personally, I would not do both.

See, this makes me feel like a spoiled little girl who just wants the BWW and I don't think that's fair. Of course I realize the marriage is far more important than the wedding but the BWW is something we all want (both us plus our families). And there are going to be some people who feel it's not a real marriage until it's blessed anyway so they may feel the BWW is the "real" wedding (J happens to be one of them).

[NutBrnHair]

Originally Posted by SthrnZeta

See, this makes me feel like a spoiled little girl who just wants the BWW and I don't think that's fair.

I'm just a stranger on the Internet with an opinion. You do what you want to do!

Personally, I also would never ask for advice re: important real life matters on a message board either, but that's just me!

[SthrnZeta]

Originally Posted by NutBrnHair

I'm just a stranger on the Internet with an opinion. You do what you want to do!

Personally, I also would never ask for advice re: important real life matters on a message board either, but that's just me!

Point taken. Ultimately I'll do what I think is best for me but it's nice to have some feedback on it from people who can be objective about it. And I'm very thankful to those who have offered it.

[SWTXBelle]

And bear in mind - the kind of people who would be snarky about a blessing, or church wedding, or celebration after the smaller, legal ceremony are NOT those you would want there anyway. So your BWW might be smaller than you originally thought - but I'd rather have a smaller group who loved me than tons of people who are so small-minded that they would try to steal your joy.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by kddani

I think that's the perfect way to put it. Sometimes in life things don't turn out exactly how we dreamed, or we have to make choices that change those dreams.

This is a good point. I've dated military men before, and some of my friends (who were dating them back when I was dating my ex) did go on to get engaged to military men and plan big traditional weddings, only to find out that the military had other plans for them (deployment). Some of them had to scrap their wedding plans and get married in court within 2 weeks for the same reasons. Were they a little bummed out that they didn't get to have a big shindig? Yes. Are they still just as married as anyone else? Yes. That's really the important thing in the end, you're married, and you're happy.

[SthrnZeta]

Originally Posted by SWTXBelle

And bear in mind - the kind of people who would be snarky about a blessing, or church wedding, or celebration after the smaller, legal ceremony are NOT those you would want there anyway. So your BWW might be smaller than you originally thought - but I'd rather have a smaller group who loved me than tons of people who are so small-minded that they would try to steal your joy.

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

This is a good point. I've dated military men before, and some of my friends (who were dating them back when I was dating my ex) did go on to get engaged to military men and plan big traditional weddings, only to find out that the military had other plans for them (deployment). Some of them had to scrap their wedding plans and get married in court within 2 weeks for the same reasons. Were they a little bummed out that they didn't get to have a big shindig? Yes. Are they still just as married as anyone else? Yes. That's really the important thing in the end, you're married, and you're happy.

Agreed. Thank you!

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by AGDee

...they didn't want to wait until the church wedding could be planned to be able to have "relations"

Lol, this is exactly why I'd like to go this route.

Ok, seriously, my sister did it this way. Her husband was being relocated so they got married before they moved. A year later, they had a "vow renewal." They had bachelor/bachelorette parties for that, but no bridal shower. I have another military friend who just did this and she stressed over what to call it, too. *FYI: yes, according to dictionary.com, the year later thing does still qualify as a "wedding"* Both couples went on honeymoons after because they didn't get them the first time. No one complained about coming to either ceremony (at least I never heard any complaints) and no one griped about my sister having a bachlorette party even though she was already married--it was basically just a giant slumber party anyway, not much shenanigans. I can't speak for him, though. You'll be married and happy and getting what you want in this uber important phase in your life. Sounds like a good deal to me!