My Sorority Pledge? I Swore Off Sisterhood

[carnation]

Originally Posted by cuteASAbug

That was basically my exact thought in a nutshell. We all know that 20+ years ago the Greek system wasn't exactly moral and pure so the sorority portrayal really doesn't bother me.

We do?

No, we don't. I wouldn't say the system now is any different from the way it was 10, 20, 30 years ago. In the way we recruit, yes, but in other ways, not at all.

I know. I was there.

[Benzgirl]

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

Getting drunk at a fraternity party and passing out would certainly earn you a visit in front of the Standards board, back then as well as today.

Nope. I was standards chairman and I would not have been able to do this 25 years ago.

[PM_Mama00]

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

I wonder if there's more to the story that she hasn't told us (I'm sure there is). Getting drunk at a fraternity party and passing out would certainly earn you a visit in front of the Standards board, back then as well as today. She said that the final straw was her picking the wrong music/routine for Greek Week....I'm guessing it wasn't just that. It doesn't say what sorority she was in (as well it shouldn't), but in most groups, it takes a lot to terminate someone.

There could be another side of the story, but remember that girls are catty as hell.

Bottom line... if people want you out, they'll find a way.

[AOII Angel]

I feel really sorry for this woman. She was apparently raped but instead of feeling rage against the man who did it to her, she has placed all of her anger on the women who failed her. I can't argue that her sorority sisters were callous and unfeeling, though for all we know they thought she'd had public sex willingly. She never stated in the story that she told her sisters that she was a victim of rape. She even says now that she has no problem interacting with men...even after being raped publicly by one. I hope she does get some therapy soon so she doesn't poison her daughters with her attitude about their shared sex. I am more outraged by the paper for publishing this story which seems to me like some kind of exploitation of a hurting woman. We all know women can be catty, and that sisterhood can fail, but that part of the story is not the disturbing part.

[Leslie Anne]

Originally Posted by PM_Mama00

Have you ever been treated really badly for something that wasn't your fault? Years later, it still hurts. I STILL resent some sisters for things they did to me 6 or so years ago.

When something someone did has such an impact on your whole college career (and in our cases sorority life), it's really hard to forget.

First of all, I AM NOT BLAMING HER!

And, yes, I have been badly mistreated for something that wasn't my fault. I was abused for years as a child and then asked by an adult what I had done to deserve it. As a child, you can't help but blame yourself. As an adult, however, (and I am the same age as the author) you realize that those who blamed you are horrible, insensitive, ignorant people. At this point I wouldn't allow someone to get away with trying to make me feel bad about myself for it. (I'd bitch-slap them before I would allow that.)

I've also seen what my chapter did in response to a sister who was gang-raped at a fraternity. I was so disgusted that I took alumna status and left those petty women behind.

I'm not unsympathetic to this woman's situation! What bothers me is that as an accomplished adult, she still let's this woman make her feel shame for something that wasn't her fault. Worse yet, she admits that she doesn't know what to teach her daughters.

[PM_Mama00]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

I feel really sorry for this woman. She was apparently raped but instead of feeling rage against the man who did it to her, she has placed all of her anger on the women who failed her. I can't argue that her sorority sisters were callous and unfeeling, though for all we know they thought she'd had public sex willingly. She never stated in the story that she told her sisters that she was a victim of rape. She even says now that she has no problem interacting with men...even after being raped publicly by one. I hope she does get some therapy soon so she doesn't poison her daughters with her attitude about their shared sex. I am more outraged by the paper for publishing this story which seems to me like some kind of exploitation of a hurting woman. We all know women can be catty, and that sisterhood can fail, but that part of the story is not the disturbing part.

I don't doubt that she feels rage for the guy. The difference with men and women in this story is that the women-- her SISTERS-- failed her badly. The men apologized to her. That's pretty sad.

[33girl]

Ummm...

Did this woman ever TELL her sisters what happened? Did she let them know that she passed out and was taken advantage of against her will (not that she had a will when she was passed out)?

That detail seems to be missing from the story, and it would make a lot of difference. If you don't share things with your sisters, you can't expect them to know what happened and get pissed off if they don't sympathize with you. It sounds as though she was on iffy footing with the sorority from the beginning, and I think the sisters believed she did this willingly, on purpose, to make them look bad, and that's why she was terminated.

If she still can't stand up for herself at this late date (in her Gymboree situation I think my response would have been "you fucking bitch, you terminated me after I was raped, I do not want to have a latte with you"), and is still that wary of all women, then she needs therapy, YESTERDAY.

Oh, and depending on the school, getting drunk and boinking in the fraternity house could have been a big deal or nothing at all. 20 years ago, 40 years ago, OR NOW. Considering how many young women consider Paris Hilton a role model and seem to see nothing wrong with the fact that her pooter is all over the internet, it would be a little hypocritical for them to terminate someone just because she had sex in a fraternity house.

[LPIDelta]

Yup--people suck. And its worse when its "family". While I don't blame her for what happened--she was lucky that she wasn't raped--I do agree with others that it is unfortunate that she is still feeling this way about women after 20 years, a career as a lawyer and while raising daughters. For the sake of her daughters, she should get some therapy. Brave of her to share her story, but I don't know how appropriate it is to do so in a national publications.

If she doesn't figure this out soon, what will she do, heaven forbid, if one or more of her daughters wants to join a squad, a team or *gasp* a sorority?

[ladygreek]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Ummm...

Did this woman ever TELL her sisters what happened? Did she let them know that she passed out and was taken advantage of against her will (not that she had a will when she was passed out)?

That detail seems to be missing from the story, and it would make a lot of difference. If you don't share things with your sisters, you can't expect them to know what happened and get pissed off if they don't sympathize with you. It sounds as though she was on iffy footing with the sorority from the beginning, and I think the sisters believed she did this willingly, on purpose, to make them look bad, and that's why she was terminated.

If she still can't stand up for herself at this late date (in her Gymboree situation I think my response would have been "you fucking bitch, you terminated me after I was raped, I do not want to have a latte with you"), and is still that wary of all women, then she needs therapy, YESTERDAY.

Oh, and depending on the school, getting drunk and boinking in the fraternity house could have been a big deal or nothing at all. 20 years ago, 40 years ago, OR NOW. Considering how many young women consider Paris Hilton a role model and seem to see nothing wrong with the fact that her pooter is all over the internet, it would be a little hypocritical for them to terminate someone just because she had sex in a fraternity house.

You can't look at this through today's lens. And I am sure she tried to explain the situation, but you know how pervasive rumors can be on a campus. The fact the the fraternity brothers apologized and the dude was disciplined would have been out there, too.

Minnesota is known for "Minnesota Nice." I can really see how this 18 year old left home, probably having led a sheltered life only to have this traumatic experience. And I can understand how she is still affected by it. If her basic personality is "Minnesota Nice" then the ideas of cussing, calling anyone a bitch, or even being rude would not cross her mind.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by ladygreek

You can't look at this through today's lens. And I am sure she tried to explain the situation, but you know how pervasive rumors can be on a campus. The fact the the fraternity brothers apologized and the dude was disciplined would have been out there, too.

Minnesota is known for "Minnesota Nice." I can really see how this 18 year old left home, probably having led a sheltered life only to have this traumatic experience. And I can understand how she is still affected by it. If her basic personality is "Minnesota Nice" then the ideas of cussing, calling anyone a bitch, or even being rude would not cross her mind.

I'm the same age (a little younger) than she is. If a sister in ANY of the sororities on our campus would have told her sisters what happened, I don't think she would have been terminated for it. Even if she would have done it on purpose, I still kinda doubt it. Like I said, it sounds like there were other problems - that she just didn't fit in in general, and after the rape instead of reaching out for help and telling people what happened, she made it a point to do things she knew would tick people off.

And I don't care where she is from - I realize at 18 maybe she couldn't have stood up for herself but I'm talking about NOW. If she is still that freaked out and distrustful of women, she needs to be in therapy.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by PM_Mama00

I don't doubt that she feels rage for the guy. The difference with men and women in this story is that the women-- her SISTERS-- failed her badly. The men apologized to her. That's pretty sad.

I agree that her sisters failed her badly...but, it doesn't seem like there was much of a sisterly relationship there from the start. My problem with the story is that she has used her experience to color her relationships and ability to function with women. Women, as a whole, are not evil...I think we can all agree on that. She says in this article that she basically avoids any contact with women. That is very pathological especially given that she is the mother of two girls. How can these poor girls grow to feel proud of themselves as women if their mother won't even interact with women?

[GeekyPenguin]

Originally Posted by carnation

We do?

No, we don't. I wouldn't say the system now is any different from the way it was 10, 20, 30 years ago. In the way we recruit, yes, but in other ways, not at all.

I know. I was there.

I'm sure my friends mother who was kicked out of Chi Omega for having the audacity to be black in the 1970s would feel differently. I'm sure the Catholic and Jewish women who were turned away from houses would feel differently too.

I'd know. I'm the daughter of one of them. She was there. I'm the friend of one of them. She was there too.

[texas*princess]

Originally Posted by LPIDelta

Yup--people suck. And its worse when its "family". While I don't blame her for what happened--she was lucky that she wasn't raped--I do agree with others that it is unfortunate that she is still feeling this way about women after 20 years, a career as a lawyer and while raising daughters. For the sake of her daughters, she should get some therapy. Brave of her to share her story, but I don't know how appropriate it is to do so in a national publications.

If she doesn't figure this out soon, what will she do, heaven forbid, if one or more of her daughters wants to join a squad, a team or *gasp* a sorority?

So far this is the only post that states she wasn't raped... why is everyone else posting that she was?

Ledge parties, for those of you who didn’t attend party-school universities, featured fraternity boys luring their unsuspecting companions to a lair of choice, where they engineered some semblance of sex for the viewing enjoyment of their voyeuristic brethren, who watched from the window’s ledge.

So the guys made it look like they were doing the deed, but they in fact were not, right?

That doesn't make it any better but everyone is saying she was raped, so that's kind of confusing.

[SWTXBelle]

For what it is worth, 20 years ago when I was an advisor -having sex in a public place with a fraternity boy would be a reason to see standards. I've posted elsewhere about the member who chose to have sex on a fraternity pool table and in a phone booth - she chose to resign rather than deal with standards. I don't buy into the whole "Oh,in the 80s and 90s everyone was doing drugs and having sex" arguement. I think the response of the chapter might well depend on the campus and the particulars.
I feel for the writer of this piece for the same reasons everyone has noted - she has issues to this day, and is obviously in pain. I'm sorry her sisters failed her so.

[f8nacn]

I think it's a shame that those with emotional challenges and struggles are labeled weak. Obviously this incident has caused her a lot of pain and although she is successful career wise and has settled down to raise a family, emotional pain sticks and of course must be dealt with. Maybe writing this article was a means of healing for her. I don't much about greek life, standards and protocal, but I do know about the area in which she speaks. It's sad because you feel like you have to hold everything in because of peoples judgment - good or bad - it's going to happen, so you learn to keep your mouth closed.

I commend her, even at this age, exposing herself and her trauma and pray that it causes true healing and restoration of peace for her.