When there's been no toilet paper around...

[carnation]

All you kids of the fifties and sixties may remember this song we all sang to the tune of "Branded":

Stranded! Stuck on the toilet boooowwll!
What do you do when you're stranded
Without a roll?

To prove you're a man, you must use your own hand
Then you knooooww
You're a man!

(I can't believe I've posted so many times on this thread.)

[DeltAlum]

In the hills of SE Ohio I used to see dried out corn cobs (after the corn had been eaten) in the outhouses.

Talk about Hillybilly Heaven.

I never had the nerve to use one.

[Glitter650]

Originally Posted by carnation

All you kids of the fifties and sixties may remember this song we all sang to the tune of "Branded":

Stranded! Stuck on the toilet boooowwll!
What do you do when you're stranded
Without a roll?

To prove you're a man, you must use your own hand
Then you knooooww
You're a man!

(I can't believe I've posted so many times on this thread.)

My mom used to sing this to me when I would yell down the hall "MOOOOOMMMMM" there's no TP !!!!!!!!!!

[jon1856]

Originally Posted by carnation

All you kids of the fifties and sixties may remember this song we all sang to the tune of "Branded":

Stranded! Stuck on the toilet boooowwll!
What do you do when you're stranded
Without a roll?

To prove you're a man, you must use your own hand
Then you knooooww
You're a man!

(I can't believe I've posted so many times on this thread.)

I had that going thru my head the very moment I started to read this
thread

And yes, I once had to use my underpants as did at least one other poster.

[SWTXBelle]

The things you learn on GreekChat . ..

[paulam]

This is hilarious. A friend sent it to me but it could have been written by any of us!

For the ladies!

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR! ), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance". In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance".

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!

Paula M.
Sigma Delta Tau
ΣΔTPatriae Multi Spes Una One Hope of Many People

[ThetaPrincess24]

Originally Posted by carnation

That last could be a bad choice. There's a Mexican guy here whom everybody calls "Yedra" (Ivy) because he and his buddies went camping and he used leaves for toilet paper. Poison ivy leaves.

Rumor has it that happened to my great aunt back in the day. I dont even want to think about how that would feel.

[AlwaysSAI]

I've used my panties...as was stated earlier. I've also used a hand cloth, hankerchief (sp?), a sock, a bath towel, my bath robe....

Man, I need to learn how to stock up on TP.

[Senusret I]

This thread is effing disgusting.

Keep it coming.

[tld221]

Originally Posted by Senusret I

This thread is effing disgusting.

Keep it coming.

LOL ish be like that sometimes.

props on the posters who are keeping it real. a little too real. but real nonetheless.

[macallan25]

Originally Posted by Tom Earp

One has to do what one has to do!

Commando isn't all that bad!

Because you just typed that..........God sacrificed a puppy.

[tld221]

but commando really isnt all that bad!

[macallan25]

Sure it's not. But when you're 115 years old and drunk.......bad things happen. Hell, he probably forgets to wear pants half the time.

[LXA SE285]

There's a Mexican guy here whom everybody calls "Yedra" (Ivy) because he and his buddies went camping and he used leaves for toilet paper. Poison ivy leaves.

My maternal grandma (RIP) went to boarding school in east Tennessee back in the early 1930s. She and her classmates did the exact same thing while out on a nature hike, except I think they used poison oak leaves.

[carnation]

LOL! I'm gonna tell Yedra, he's afraid he's the only person who ever did that.