How many dates?

[_Opi_]

Originally Posted by REE1993

I am a believer in "love at first site" or rather, "like at first site". If you don't feel, don't draw it out. Some people can make it work even if they hated each other at first. But I usually rely on my gut. That works best for me.

I wouldn't call it love, but I feel the same way. I usually dont even accept a date unless there's "something" there, i.e. chemistry, attraction, or whatever you might call it.

[blueangel]

Originally Posted by _Opi_

I wouldn't call it love, but I feel the same way. I usually dont even accept a date unless there's "something" there, i.e. chemistry, attraction, or whatever you might call it.

I totally agree. I can pretty much tell right away. I have had dates where I would be sitting there at dinner thinking, "Ohhh I could be home doing my laundry right now!"

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by _Opi_

I wouldn't call it love, but I feel the same way. I usually dont even accept a date unless there's "something" there, i.e. chemistry, attraction, or whatever you might call it.

I agree. My husband and I didn't even speak the same language when we started dating, but there was still that "something" there. I could see it in his eyes.

[Scandia]

You could say it was a blind date, since we had only seen each other's pics before meeting on the first date. We had been talking on MySpace for a couple months before meeting.

I did not feel butterflies upon first sight.

Nor am I feeling them yet, and I do not know if it is too late.

I have felt them before at first sight, but I do not think I did with the last guy I dated, with whom I did have very good chemistry but with whom there were compatibility issues.

Keep in mind I have not had the best of luck in romance.

[MTSUGURL]

Originally Posted by Scandia

Keep in mind I have not had the best of luck in romance.

It doesn't matter. If it isn't there, it isn't there. Don't drag it out just because you've had bad luck with your relationships in the past. It's better to be alone than with someone that you don't have feelings for. If you don't have butterflies, turn him loose so he can find a girl that does.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by REE1993

I am a believer in "love at first site" or rather, "like at first site". If you don't feel, don't draw it out. Some people can make it work even if they hated each other at first. But I usually rely on my gut. That works best for me.

Yeah, you're right. I feel the same way. I'm really quiet especially when I 1st meet someone. I really have to like the girl and have a lot in common with her to get me talking. The biggest thing is, if she can make me laugh, then that's the 1st sign that I may want to continue to go out with her on more dates. I've dated women that I had nothing in common with. When I say nothing, I mean when we have gone out to eat it's so quiet that we can hear each other eating. Baaaaaaaaaaaaad date. For the most part, I know within the 1st 5 minutes of the date if I like her or not.

[BlessedOne04]

Two would be my limit. However I would continue to talk to that person who knows a friendship might evolve.

[Scandia]

33girl- I only stated that he is my type as supporting evidence to the fact that I honestly cannot pinpoint any reason why I have not developed feelings for him like he did for me. I do know that many friendships blossom into love- but before going on that first date, usually one or both is having feelings for the other. I do not think this is my case I certainly do not want to marry someone, or even get into a relationship with someone, without those feelings.


Valkyrie- I don't want kids. Nor do I have kids that need a father desperately. It's more a question of, how do I put this, I want a paladin. I do not want someone who is significantly more experienced than I am. Nor do I want to negotiate on so many things. Sure sure, this guy was not a perfect match and there were negotiations- but no dealbreaking ones. I want a prince, not a cheap imitation that another one has used up already.

Consensus says- considering someone whom I'm not feeling anything for IS settling indeed. Not negotiation- SETTLING.

I'm still glad everyone has given input, for future reference. I do wish to experience those feelings- but even from date one, I could tell that this guy and I would not have super high chemistry. I just did not think that it would be nonexistent on my side.

[Jimmy Choo]

While I would have never came up with an analogy as cool as 33girl's... she makes a valid point. As a relationship progresses, the chemistry will eventually cool and the friendship aspect will be come more paramount. So a mental connection is definatly important. But there HAS to be a physical connection. Otherwise it's like trying to play "realtionship" with someone who is nothing more than a friend.....

[Scandia]

Many people have made that point that sparks are highest at the beginning or when both realize they are in love with each other.

Sadly, I am not feeling any physical chemistry towards him.

Not only that, but another friend noticed lack of mental chemistry from what I wrote. She noticed that I did not pinpoint any specific things we discussed or he said or did. That I sounded like I was describing a perfectly pleasant man who did not make me laugh, think, or wonder. That I showed no more enthusiasm towards him than towards somebody I was writing a business reference for.

And of course, I am not feeling anything special emotionally.

Another dead end. But I did learn something- that I DO need the chemistry and sparks, that it is NOT a good thing that they were so low, that they ARE what distinguish a relationship from the rest of the friendships, that no matter if he meets the requirements and falls within my preferences (not that he met all or was the prototype of what I would want), if that spark is missing, it IS settling.

[RoyalEmpress33]

Originally Posted by Scandia

How many dates would you go on with someone before giving up due to lack of chemistry? Assume there are no red flags (or even yellow ones) and that the person is physically attractive and within your type, and that the person is kind and has a lot in common with you...but that interacting with this person seems no different than interacting with one of your platonic friends or co-workers.

Wow, this happens to me more often than I'd like it to.I can tell within the first date whether or not I'll be sticking around with that person for a second one.I've dated a few guys who are attractive,intelligent,chivalrous--the whole 9 yards,but the chemistry was just not there.This is apart of the reason I'm single now,I get bored easily.I've tried to make it work,but after a while I'm just overwhelmed with bordom and lack of chemistry.So I just keep them as associates.

[Scandia]

And one of the new persons I have met that I had interest in...I lost interest due to his personality being way too reactive and neurotic, as well as due to our attitudes towards fiscal issues being too different. He's great otherwise and I would like to stay friends with him, since we do have quite a bit in common. But while he is not abusive or put me down in any way, he was just a bit too explosive for my tastes. I'm looking for someone more laid back, easygoing, and mellow.

Not only do I feel very guilty about this, but also I wonder if this person crossed my path to make me be grateful for the previous guy- because while with this new person I can point out personality aspects I have trouble with, the previous one only involved lack of chemistry as a problem. I did get bored due to the lack of chemistry- but while he certainly was not a particularly interesting or engaging person, it's not like he was the dullest and most boring person in the planet either.

Why am I feeling so guilty? When your first experience with dating and opposite sex friendship in your teens was as horrible as mine, you would feel guilty too about not returning the love of a good person.

Guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt, GUILT!!!

[AChiOhSnap]

Originally Posted by Scandia

I wonder if this person crossed my path to make me be grateful for the previous guy- because while with this new person I can point out personality aspects I have trouble with, the previous one only involved lack of chemistry as a problem. I did get bored due to the lack of chemistry- but while he certainly was not a particularly interesting or engaging person, it's not like he was the dullest and most boring person in the planet either.

He didn't just cross your path to make you grateful for the previous guy. Just because a person has a serious flaw (i.e. lack of chemistry) that isn't as extreme as another's serious personality flaw (explosive) does not mean that person A is right for you. It just means that you've met two men that were wrong for you.

Scandia, you're going to meet tons of men in your life. If you're new to the "game," you'll find that most people aren't compatible with you and you can easily discern compatibility after a couple dates. You'll know when it's right. Don't settle for a boring guy just because you met a big jerk. They're both equally bad for you.

[BetteDavisEyes]

Don't settle. I agree with what AChiOhSnap said.

[Scandia]

Well, jerk is way too strong of a word. He was not mean to me, nor did he talk trash about anyone. But he overreacted and showed jealousy and cursed quickly about things that honestly should not be getting such a big reaction to.

That, and his attitude towards money and alcohol was very different than mine. And his being a total night owl and me being a major morning person who sounds incoherent after 11PM may also be problematic.

Problems that guy A did not have. Hence guy A got 3 dates...but I cannot bring myself to lie to him and pretend that I love him when I don't.

I love your advice. You motivate and encourage me so much.