Once a Player...?

[lovehaiku84]

Hmm... interesting conversation.

I think that if you are someone who is going to date several people at the same time there is nothing wrong with that. Keeping your options open is great. However, like someone said it becomes a different story when feelings become involved. And I believe that for men and women the whole issue of feelings is dealt with very differently. I wouldn't say that women just naturally assume that they are the only person that they are dating. This is 2005 and I think we are all old enough to know that exclusivity is not something that you should make assumptions about. I think in some cases they expect to be told and in others find themselves w/ feelings for someone, even though they "know" that things might not be exclusive. For a woman who has feelings for a man, it is not so easy to just be kept in the dark and then be say, "surprised" by the fact that the guy she has been dating is all of a suddent dropping her to be with someone else. I think in the case of a man who has feelings for a woman, the same thing goes.

Along the same lines, what are some of your definitions of a player? I find it interesting that doing that is called "dating." Is there a such thing as a player to some people?

PS. I do think that players can be reformed. Its just messed up that they may have left a whole slew of broken hearts along the road to reformation. At one point I was a player (according to my own definition) without even knowing it. But all it took was hurting one person and being able to connect with how they were feeling to make me feel that I would never "play" or do things that I knew would hurt someone else again. Then after I went through it myself I definitely knew that I wouldn't.

[Gyrl7]

Originally posted by Dionysus
Get over yourself. There aren't ANY men who wants to ride your nasty "tail", let alone any other woman.

Hey, how was your Thanksgiving?

LMAOOOOOOOOOO@U, you are not right!

Now be nice to Miss Shamika....

[DC_Zeta1920]

Originally posted by Dionysus
Get over yourself. There aren't ANY men who wants to ride your nasty "tail", let alone any other woman.

Hey, how was your Thanksgiving?

LMAO!

[SummerChild]

Starang, I agree with what you are saying if two people are just casually dating. Now, if they decide to date each other exclusively, then the other steps out - then that's being a player to me. Basically being a cheater.

Originally posted by starang21
but it should be known. when i first begin to start dating someone, that person should never assume anything. it's none of their business. that's how folks get hurt, by assuming their the only person that their new someone is talking to. unless it's explicitly known, and discussed anything goes.

[SummerChild]

Originally posted by James




However, I have noticed that the purpose of labeling a relationship as "committed" or "engaged" or married even, is to keep the other partner in the relationship when they are no longer as interested as they used to be.

Otherwise we wouldn't need labels right?

James, I think that the point of labels is the point of any verbal communication - to have a mutual understanding of what is going on. Otherwise, you get caught up in assumptions, assuming what you think is going on.

no one can keep anyone in a relationship that that person doesn't want to be in. Not even labels - otherwise, the term "breaking up" and "divorce" wouldn't exist b/c they necessarily imply that there was a committed relationship or a marriage that one party (or both parties) could not be forced to stay in

SC

[SummerChild]

Originally posted by lovehaiku84
Hmm... interesting conversation.

I think that if you are someone who is going to date several people at the same time there is nothing wrong with that. Keeping your options open is great. However, like someone said it becomes a different story when feelings become involved. And I believe that for men and women the whole issue of feelings is dealt with very differently. I wouldn't say that women just naturally assume that they are the only person that they are dating. This is 2005 and I think we are all old enough to know that exclusivity is not something that you should make assumptions about. I think in some cases they expect to be told and in others find themselves w/ feelings for someone, even though they "know" that things might not be exclusive. For a woman who has feelings for a man, it is not so easy to just be kept in the dark and then be say, "surprised" by the fact that the guy she has been dating is all of a suddent dropping her to be with someone else. I think in the case of a man who has feelings for a woman, the same thing goes.

LoveHaiku84, I think that as adult women and men, we need to take control of destiny by simply opening our mouths and asking what's going on if our hearts are in it. Women (and men) spend too much time hoping that the other person is going to read our mind and whala! provide us the answer to the question that we have been pondering but never even asked. We can take responsibility for our deep we get into a relationship that might or might not be committed. Now if you the two of you *say* that you're going to commit and it's not genuine, then that's another story....
SC

[starang21]

Originally posted by SummerChild
LoveHaiku84, I think that as adult women and men, we need to take control of destiny by simply opening our mouths and asking what's going on if our hearts are in it. Women (and men) spend too much time hoping that the other person is going to read our mind and whala! provide us the answer to the question that we have been pondering but never even asked. We can take responsibility for our deep we get into a relationship that might or might not be committed. Now if you the two of you *say* that you're going to commit and it's not genuine, then that's another story....
SC

if women wouldn't expect men to always read minds, the world would be a more peaceful place.

[starang21]

Originally posted by SummerChild
Starang, I agree with what you are saying if two people are just casually dating. Now, if they decide to date each other exclusively, then the other steps out - then that's being a player to me. Basically being a cheater.

but to date exclusively....you have to sit down and have a discussion on it. it's not an assumed thing. just because you're dating for x months, exlusivity shouldn't be expected without being discussed.

[SummerChild]

i agree. that's what i was trying to communicate.
sc

Originally posted by starang21
but to date exclusively....you have to sit down and have a discussion on it. it's not an assumed thing. just because you're dating for x months, exlusivity shouldn't be expected without being discussed.

[SummerChild]

come on now, don't generalize.
but i do agree that it's been my experience that our gender tends to expect men to be mind readers. i'm not saying that a man should have to be spoon fed but we need to learn to just say how we feel more.

sc

Originally posted by starang21
if women wouldn't expect men to always read minds, the world would be a more peaceful place.

[starang21]

Originally posted by SummerChild
come on now, don't generalize.
but i do agree that it's been my experience that our gender tends to expect men to be mind readers. i'm not saying that a man should have to be spoon fed but we need to learn to just say how we feel more.

sc

i'd prefer to be spoon fed, lol.

[onlyme]

I agree with this.

Originally posted by starang21
but it should be known. when i first begin to start dating someone, that person should never assume anything. it's none of their business. that's how folks get hurt, by assuming their the only person that their new someone is talking to. unless it's explicitly known, and discussed anything goes.

[onlyme]

LMAO!!! Whoa ...

Originally posted by Dionysus
Get over yourself. There aren't ANY men who wants to ride your nasty "tail", let alone any other woman.

Hey, how was your Thanksgiving?

[southernelle25]

I don't like the term "dating", because the meaning is too easily confused. One may, for example, be in a relationship that involves "courting" or a relationship that only involves "casual socializing". The expectation of establishing exclusivity and commitment either exists or it doesnt, respectively.

Consequently, it is not wrong to casually socialize with multiple individuals. However, one should never court two or more at once, IMHO. It is not healthy, socially or emotionally, and it consistently leads to drama.

Now, I agree with lovehaiku84 that "exclusivity is not something that you should make assumptions about." However, when a certain level of intimacy comes into play, exclusivity should not only be expected but demanded... and, of course, discussed for confirmation purposes (so that there is no misunderstanding).

I consider a 'player' someone who pretends to court several individuals in exchange for intimacy with them.

[James]

Thats a clever differentiation between dating and courting.

Do you think that there are implied promises in behavior?

For example, many males learn courting behavior in dealing with females romantically . . . so even if he wants to just date, he may act is if he is courting because thats the way he has learned to behave.

Even if he makes some blanket comment like "I'm not looking for anything serious," would you agree that his courting behavior might be seen as an implied promise to a female even if its only unconsciously?

And thus color her perception of what the relationship really is?

If it looks like a duck etc etc, even if it denies being a duck . . it might as well be.

Originally posted by southernelle25
I don't like the term "dating", because the meaning is too easily confused. One may, for example, be in a relationship that involves "courting" or a relationship that only involves "casual socializing". The expectation of establishing exclusivity and commitment either exists or it doesnt, respectively.

Consequently, it is not wrong to casually socialize with multiple individuals. However, one should never court two or more at once, IMHO. It is not healthy, socially or emotionally, and it consistently leads to drama.

Now, I agree with lovehaiku84 that "exclusivity is not something that you should make assumptions about." However, when a certain level of intimacy comes into play, exclusivity should not only be expected but demanded... and, of course, discussed for confirmation purposes (so that there is no misunderstanding).

I consider a 'player' someone who pretends to court several individuals in exchange for intimacy with them.