married again??

[Honeykiss1974]

I would date someone that was divorced, assuming that the following are met:

~he has moved on
~the ex-wife has moved on (i.e. remarried)
~he's only been married once

I am only 29 and I have quite a few friends that have been married and divorced already.

Dzsaigirl I am sure that you will have no problem finding a nice guy. And if some guy wrote you off SOLELY because of that...well, I'm sure its his loss.

[smiley21]

i was going to say the same thing as Honeykiss. it doesnt matter that we have our views on being with people who were previously married. if you dont want people to care about your love life history, then the right person for you will not care.
because my dad has such a history with marriages, i told myself that i want nothing to do with it. i want my life to be the opposite. i want to only marry once to someone who has never been married before. i want to have that life cause it is my desire. and i believe that it will happen.


i am sorry dzsaigirl for your situation. but please try to understand where some of us are coming from.

[ADPiShannan]

I admire you DZ
My mom was cheated on by my father for years. She finally found out and got a divorce fast. She met my step father who I love and call dad now and got remarried. They also had a boy, Kris who if my step dad didnt give my mom a chance would never have been born.

I think any woman who can stand up for something thats so terrible as cheating deserves a happy and healthy life and relationship. Dont ever let anyone tell you different. If my hubby did that to me Id be divorcing his ass too.

I couldnt look a man in the eye or love him anymore if he was in bed with someone else while married to me. It gets me sooo mad, I cant even talk about it. NOONE deserves it and everyone thats been through it, deserves a chance at real love and someone who wont do that to them.

Just my 2 cents

[ADPiShannan]

What about abuse? Or "irreconcilable differences" (ie, he works all the time and ignores you, drinks too much, sexual incompatibility, psychological problems, what have you)?

Ok I wasnt thinking of all the reasons to get divorced when I replied so yes those too.

I just dont think people should just go out and divorce and divorce just cause. I know several people who got divorces cause they just didnt want to deal with the other person anymore or made a mistake and shouldnt have gotten married. To me marriage is a very sacred thing not to be taken lightly so I say dont get married if you arent sure you want that for life. If horrible things happen, then yes a divorce is a good thing to get.

My uncles wife decided after 9 years she just wanted to be alone and didnt want to be married. This is happening now. She doesnt have a bf or has cheated she just doesnt want to be married anymore. He is a mess. So those kinds of things upset me.

[AKA_Monet]

For those of you "youngins" that have ideas about folks being married, single or whatever:

Marriage is NEVER what you think it is until you are married...

And if your situation winds up in divorce for whatever reason, then you can NEVER imagine what will happen after the fact...

IMHO, what I wanted for me, I also wanted it for the man. It was what I could deal with, it was what I was capable of handling. I had an education, 2 advanced degrees and I was working hard. I would expect my significant other has acheived similarly to me, or better.

Personally, that I why I think that folks outta marry in their 30's opposed to their 20's... Simply because in your 20's everything in life is still rather unstable. Feelings and emotions are still someone skewed. If your 30-something and still have skewing, folks really are wondering what the FCUK is your problem... I.E. livin' in your mom's house at 35... Or still relyin' on your parents for "party money"...


DZai--

I am truly sorry for your situation. I hope that when you meet the man truly worthy of your love that if you choose to marry him, he will give attempt to fulfill all your hopes and dreams...

[Munchkin03]

Originally posted by sororitygirl2
I think people lose sight of the fact that you have to, at least to some extent, make things work. So, yes, I often am.

No relationship can survive without a little compromise and you often find that things worth having take some effort. Momma didn't raise no quitter here!

This is true that relationships take work. But, it's important to realize that some situations are simply beyond help. Infidelity, excessive drug use, ANY kind of abuse, mismanagement of funds, and simple differences in goals (kids vs. no kids, career as first priority no matter what) are dealbreakers in my book. Since I have so many areas on which I refuse to compromise, does that make me a "quitter"? Does that mean that I don't hold marriage as sacred as, say, my grandparents, who celebrated 60 years of marriage today?

It bothers me to hear people say that they "don't believe" in divorce. It's not like Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny--it exists. You don't think--or don't have the reason to believe--that divorce is an option in your life. When I marry, I hope it is forever, and I will work for that goal. I will not, however, stay in a situation that in which any of the above circumstances I mentioned happen.

dzsaigirl, I'm so sorry to hear of your story. I hope you've noticed that most of the posts railing against subsequent marriages are from women. I'm sure there's a guy out there who will realize your experience is a reason to keep you, that a woman who respects herself is a great gift.

AKA_Monet, your posts are always so insightful. I think as people grow up and mature, they see that there is an awful lot of gray in this world.

[GeekyPenguin]

I think it totally depends on the circumstances...I also think that given my life experiences, I'm a little skewed. It would really depend on the circumstances for their divorce, like has been said earlier in this thread.

[lauralaylin]

Originally posted by AKA_Monet

Marriage is NEVER what you think it is until you are married...

Well, it is exactly what I thought it would be. As long as you marry someone good, and truly think about what you are doing with your head and not just your heart, marriage can be relatively easy and surprise-free. My husband and I have no major problems. I knew exactly the type of man he is, and I totally accepted that. I thought long and hard about getting married to him before I did. And I am extremely happy. Btw, I also married when I was 22, so I think the age thing should be taken on a case by case basis. Not all people in their 20s don't know who they are.

[dzsaigirl]

Well, it is exactly what I thought it would be. As long as you marry someone good, and truly think about what you are doing with your head and not just your heart, marriage can be relatively easy and surprise-free.

I did think with my head, thank you very much...

My husband and I have no major problems. I knew exactly the type of man he is, and I totally accepted that.

I thought this too, or else I wouldn't have married.

I thought long and hard about getting married to him before I did. And I am extremely happy.

I, too, thought long and hard. And I was also extremely happy until he dropped the bomb.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally posted by lauralaylin
Well, it is exactly what I thought it would be. As long as you marry someone good, and truly think about what you are doing with your head and not just your heart, marriage can be relatively easy and surprise-free. My husband and I have no major problems. I knew exactly the type of man he is, and I totally accepted that. I thought long and hard about getting married to him before I did. And I am extremely happy. Btw, I also married when I was 22, so I think the age thing should be taken on a case by case basis. Not all people in their 20s don't know who they are.

The issue with youthful marriages people can change...

Now if folks can go with the flow and change together then, hey, it might work out...

But if 2 folks have problems with all of rapid fire changes that occur in a young person's life, then--who knows???

And if one is still "rapid fire" changing things around in their 30s and 40's lives--then it's like, LUSER... Get a job, a house & a car...

It is liken to me, deciding to give up my job and education to be a supermodel--a cross between an elephant and a rhino... HAYLE if I know...

I'm 30 something with a Master's and Ph.D. in molecular genetics. I am a scientist. I weigh too much and I am not tall and slender--how the HAYLE will I be a supermodel--for who? Or for what? Besides, that would not really not make me happy...

I think the issue is knowing yourself the most before wanting to include someone else in your life... If you can "give and take" a little... Some things MUST be compromised... And usually, as you grow older, you must change. I can tell you your body will change even if your mind does not... Everyone ages--even in their thinking...

Then it is all a matter of adjusting and fine tuning--fitting all the music together in symphonous sound rather than discord. And for some folks, life just stays in the tuning phase, rather than going into orchestra.

I am glad you have the kind of relationship you have always dreamed of. That your mate is meeting all of your expectations. Good for you! I hope you acheive all your dreams and wishes too. And you are definitely lucky to have met, married and be in love with someone in your youthful age.

Most folks are at best going to only going to have a mate or spouse... Never truly the one they love or soulmate... I am happy for you that you have a spouse that is the one you love as your soulmate...

[Munchkin03]

Originally posted by lauralaylin
Well, it is exactly what I thought it would be. As long as you marry someone good, and truly think about what you are doing with your head and not just your heart, marriage can be relatively easy and surprise-free. My husband and I have no major problems. I knew exactly the type of man he is, and I totally accepted that. I thought long and hard about getting married to him before I did. And I am extremely happy. Btw, I also married when I was 22, so I think the age thing should be taken on a case by case basis. Not all people in their 20s don't know who they are.

How old are you?

If you're under 27, I'm totally not listening.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally posted by dzsaigirl
Well, it is exactly what I thought it would be. As long as you marry someone good, and truly think about what you are doing with your head and not just your heart, marriage can be relatively easy and surprise-free.

I did think with my head, thank you very much...

My husband and I have no major problems. I knew exactly the type of man he is, and I totally accepted that.

I thought this too, or else I wouldn't have married.

I thought long and hard about getting married to him before I did. And I am extremely happy.

I, too, thought long and hard. And I was also extremely happy until he dropped the bomb.

I think your EX has some issues that go way beyond anybody's understanding... Even yours...

He may be having a "sexual crises" if you know what I mean... Because if he said he only wants to do his work and shit... I can tell you that is a bunch of CRAP!!!

I don't think he is cheating per se... I think it is who he wants to mess around with... And it don't sound like someone with an XX chromosomal spread... It may not even be human...

I just think once you get through all of this HAYLE, and reflect, you'd probably discover that you are better off...

And now here is your chance to do ALL that you ever dreamed of in your life... Go to grad school and get that degree...

Live in another country and experience life--with Paolo or Sergio--or whatever you want his name to be--and make sure he's sexy and cannot speak English that well...

And you are still young enuf--and cute enuf--I know you don't have a feeling right now and your numb... But take that little money your EX is SUPPOSE to give you and get outta town fast!!!

And gwirlfriend--live it up!!!

[AUDeltaGam]

Originally posted by AKA_Monet
Personally, that I why I think that folks outta marry in their 30's opposed to their 20's... Simply because in your 20's everything in life is still rather unstable. Feelings and emotions are still someone skewed. If your 30-something and still have skewing, folks really are wondering what the FCUK is your problem... I.E. livin' in your mom's house at 35... Or still relyin' on your parents for "party money"...

I couldn't agree more.

[honeychile]

At the risk of redundancy, cosign

Originally posted by Munchkin03


dzsaigirl, I'm so sorry to hear of your story. I hope you've noticed that most of the posts railing against subsequent marriages are from women. I'm sure there's a guy out there who will realize your experience is a reason to keep you, that a woman who respects herself is a great gift.

AKA_Monet, your posts are always so insightful. I think as people grow up and mature, they see that there is an awful lot of gray in this world.

I'm a facilitator at a divorce recovery seminar, and I have heard stories that would peel the paint off your porch. It's interesting to see the couples who really do try to make things work - the ones who make it and those who don't.

I don't believe in the no-fault divorce, because that's like saying, "I'm tired of working on my marriage" or some other child-like tantrum. But when there's adultery, desertion, or abuse involved, the parties should be able to divorce without stigma (to the party not at fault).

Of course, I'm all for as much counseling as needed, and WAITING between marriages - statistically, anyone who divorces & remarries within two years has an 85% chance of having a second failure.

I would date men who have been divorced, but I'd need to know the circumstances first. My own brother has been married three times: the first time, his wife cheated on him while he was posted overseas in the service, the second time, she passed away, and now he's been married for 18 years (wow, that long?!).

[LeslieAGD]

When I read the first post, I thought "of course I wouldn't want to marry someone who has been divorced multiple times"...but there are always cirucmstances. I definitely wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't take marriage seriously and jumps in and out of it (like J. Lo seems to do). If someone was married for a while and made a genuine effort, I think that is completely different than someone who is bored or is difficult to be with.