lonely and depressed... - Page 2

honeychile · #16 06-14-2003, 11:08 AM

Interestingly, I've seen this exact same conversation on another message board, only it's the guys wondering where to find the right women!

They're out there, searching just like you, but maybe they don't look like a model. Maybe they're not making $100k a year. And almost assuredly, they're somewhat shy.

I met my fiancé at a soccer convention. In fact, I've met several of the men I've dated at a soccer convention! They're good, honest men who enjoy watching and sometimes playing the beautiful game. If you're interested in soccer, pm me for information on the convention. You'll have a great time, whether or not you meet "Mr. Right".

So, you don't like soccer. Do you like any sports? If so, go to a game or match, dress appropriately, and talk to people around you. It can be as simple as "Was that Jones with the ball?" or "That hot dog smells good - which stand has them?" Once the ice is broken, you can make comments all through the game. Well, within reason - he did come to the game to see it, after all! If you hit it off, ask him if he's coming to the next game.

Weekends in the afternoon at parks & such are great places to watch single dads. If you see one who is exceptionally good with his kid, when he sits down, sit next to him and comment that he seems to be handling Visitation Day well. But make SURE he's single! Try watching a few times, and you'll get the idea real quick. Same thing works with dogs, btw.

Do you have any interests that have a club, a round table discussion, or something similar? Go! If you're shy, and someone asks for your opinion (and you're not sure what to say), just say that you're absorbing all the wonderful information that you're hearing ("I'm doing the sponge thing!") then after the meeting, try to talk one on one with one of the single guys.

Hope that helps!

Peaches-n-Cream · #17 06-14-2003, 01:12 PM

I met my bf in a bar. My sister met hers online. My friends met their husbands in bars, school, at work and in church. You'll never meet anyone if you stay at home watching tv. If you really want to meet someone, go out and enjoy yourself. The minute I started to do that I met men everywhere in banks, bars, and at the beach. I had fun. I enjoyed myself and that attracted men.

Jill1228 · #18 06-14-2003, 01:25 PM

Girl, I SO feel your pain. We ain't even gonna go there talking about how many depressed days I had or how many times i cried....

I was 34 when I got married (17 days from my 35th). Yes, I did meet him online. Wasn't looking at the time...damn near given up on men. All the good ones were taken, married, gay, or hung up on their mothers!

But let me tell ya, like me, love will sneak up on you and bite you in the azz when you LEAST expect it!

Hang in there and don't settle for BS!

lovelyivy84 · #19 06-14-2003, 02:02 PM

I really feel for a lot of you guys, and my only advice would be that you won't find a guy that you really want in your life until you feel like you don't NEED one.

NEEDY is something that men can read a mile off- in a best case scenario you will simply turn off men who dont want to be needed like that, in a worst case scenario you will find a man who knows how to manipulate that kind of low self-esteem.

I am single and single by choice. I decided a long time ago that I would approach relationships from a position of power- not NEEDING to be in one but valuing myself and what I bring to the table. I have had relationships in that time and they are generally succesful in that both people in them feel like they are getting something out of the relationship, even when it ends. And they end amiably.

Am I lonely? Nope. I have my family and friends, I have my hobbies, I have my never-ending search for the perfect job, lol. There is too much filling my life for me to feel that kind of loneliness (which believe me, I HAVE felt, but that was not about the guys, it was about me and how I felt about myself at that time. Once I got over the feeling that I needed SOMETHING in my life to make it more worthwhile, I realised that the relationships I had were really unhealthy and I had gotten NOTHING out of them). If I find someone who complements me in important ways then that is great. If I dont, it certainly won't kill me.

SO put yourself out there to meet more people in general, but dont go out with the attitude that you MUST have a man in your life because God knows just what you'll end up bringing home!

Cloud9 · #20 06-14-2003, 02:07 PM

Wow, you are me from the past, I relate, I felt the same way, I thought I was just destined to be single forever, had no idea what was wrong with me. I realize now that it was my attitude towards myself, people really can see how you feel about yourself, and it casts a negative or positive glow over your attractiveness. No matter how physically good looking you are, negativity, bitterness, self loathing will send it all crashing down. Now I'm in a two year relationship, and I can tell you that these things happen in the most random ways. I can also tell you that perking up just the smallest bit of aggression works - I asked out my current boyfriend myself, and I like to think I shocked him into a date, hahaha. I was lucky to get it right on the first try, but you may find that you have to go through a few guys to find that yes - welcome to what guys deal with on a regular basis! Just dust yourself off and move on, it will happen. Also, if you're very shy and just can't deal with that method, have you given a thought about online personals? I'm surprised no one mentioned it yet, but I know there's still a stigma about finding creepy perverts. I think that nowadays more normal people are using them, and as long as you proceed safely(talking for awhile before meeting, meeting in a public neutral place(and possibly in a group), you might find that to be a good option. I have a few friends that have had good results this way, I dunno if that's because it's NYC, a notoriously difficult place to meet people conventionally, but yeah. And actually, I heard of a site once where friends, coworkers or on-good-terms-exes of eligible guys actually recommend them to other single females. Unfortunately I can't remember what the site was, but if you can find it, that could be a good way to find a "certified nice guy."

Dionysus · #21 06-14-2003, 02:08 PM

I totally agree.

Quote:

Originally posted by lovelyivy84
I really feel for a lot of you guys, and my only advice would be that you won't find a guy that you really want in your life until you feel like you don't NEED one.

NEEDY is something that men can read a mile off- in a best case scenario you will simply turn off men who dont want to be needed like that, in a worst case scenario you will find a man who knows how to manipulate that kind of low self-esteem.

I am single and single by choice. I decided a long time ago that I would approach relationships from a position of power- not NEEDING to be in one but valuing myself and what I bring to the table. I have had relationships in that time and they are generally succesful in that both people in them feel like they are getting something out of the relationship, even when it ends. And they end amiably.

Am I lonely? Nope. I have my family and friends, I have my hobbies, I have my never-ending search for the perfect job, lol. There is too much filling my life for me to feel that kind of loneliness (which believe me, I HAVE felt, but that was not about the guys, it was about me and how I felt about myself at that time. Once I got over the feeling that I needed SOMETHING in my life to make it more worthwhile, I realised that the relationships I had were really unhealthy and I had gotten NOTHING out of them). If I find someone who complements me in important ways then that is great. If I dont, it certainly won't kill me.

SO put yourself out there to meet more people in general, but dont go out with the attitude that you MUST have a man in your life because God knows just what you'll end up bringing home!

Cloud9 · #22 06-14-2003, 02:11 PM

Haha, wow, and YOU are me now! And not just because I'm in a relationship, you are me since the two years beFORE I met my bf when I realized that the most important relationship I'll ever have is not with a guy - it's the one I have with MYSELF.

Quote:

I really feel for a lot of you guys, and my only advice would be that you won't find a guy that you really want in your life until you feel like you don't NEED one.

NEEDY is something that men can read a mile off- in a best case scenario you will simply turn off men who dont want to be needed like that, in a worst case scenario you will find a man who knows how to manipulate that kind of low self-esteem.

I am single and single by choice. I decided a long time ago that I would approach relationships from a position of power- not NEEDING to be in one but valuing myself and what I bring to the table. I have had relationships in that time and they are generally succesful in that both people in them feel like they are getting something out of the relationship, even when it ends. And they end amiably.

Am I lonely? Nope. I have my family and friends, I have my hobbies, I have my never-ending search for the perfect job, lol. There is too much filling my life for me to feel that kind of loneliness (which believe me, I HAVE felt, but that was not about the guys, it was about me and how I felt about myself at that time. Once I got over the feeling that I needed SOMETHING in my life to make it more worthwhile, I realised that the relationships I had were really unhealthy and I had gotten NOTHING out of them). If I find someone who complements me in important ways then that is great. If I dont, it certainly won't kill me.

SO put yourself out there to meet more people in general, but dont go out with the attitude that you MUST have a man in your life because God knows just what you'll end up bringing home!

chideltjen · #23 06-14-2003, 02:27 PM

We are about the same age. I am 21 going on 22 in a few months. One of my sisters basically told me this when i was talking to her about a similar situation. i was all depressed because I thought this one guy that I had a small fling with at the end of summer was everything I wanted in a guy (turns out he's a fake prick, but that's another story). I said, I am 21 and I am running out of time because I am graduating soon. She looked at me and proclaimed "Jen, that's just it. YOU ARE 21!"
Bottom line, you have your entire life ahead of you to find someone special. My big sis is getting married this summer and she is 27. Sure my roommate is dating a good friend of mine so whenever i wanna hang out with both of them, it's almost unconfortable when i get left alone with them. And my other best friend is kinda sorta dating someone else. Oh well. Let them be and do what they want.
I am at the point right now where I have too much going on that I would not be able to sustain a healthy relationship. I just got a FT time job that cuts out my late night socializing, I am going to be going to another school in the Fall, I have a ton of guy friends that act like stand ins so scary boys don't hit on me at bars (it's fun), and I am going to start working out eventually. See no time!

DOn't throw yourself into a relationship just for the sake of having a relationship. I stayed in a long term thing longer than it was worth and it eventually turned abusive.
Enjoy your freedom cuz i am sure when we are hitched up and 40+, we will wonder what we should have done back in our 20s to live it up.

Cloud9 · #24 06-14-2003, 05:57 PM

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it really weird that people actually get married at 21 or under? That seems so young to me! I can't even concieve of the whole marriage thing until at the very very least my mid to upper 20s, it is a foreign entity to me now. I also don't know anyone who is married or planning to be below age 25, and I know people from all over the country. Maybe it depends on the region you're living in, but at any rate, despite what people around you are doing, you have to remember to hold yourself in the highest priority - women are not empty voids without a guy around, don't let anyone try to tell you different.

Jill1228 · #25 06-14-2003, 06:08 PM

It's not just you! I'm in the "Don't get married before 25" School of Thought

Quote:

Originally posted by Cloud9
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it really weird that people actually get married at 21 or under? That seems so young to me! I can't even concieve of the whole marriage thing until at the very very least my mid to upper 20s, it is a foreign entity to me now. I also don't know anyone who is married or planning to be below age 25, and I know people from all over the country. Maybe it depends on the region you're living in, but at any rate, despite what people around you are doing, you have to remember to hold yourself in the highest priority - women are not empty voids without a guy around, don't let anyone try to tell you different.

valkyrie · #26 06-14-2003, 06:20 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Cloud9
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it really weird that people actually get married at 21 or under? That seems so young to me!

You are not the only one. I have to thank my lucky stars that I didn't even consider getting married to any of the guys I dated when I was in my early 20s. I couldn't imagine getting married that young.

sugar and spice · #27 06-14-2003, 06:52 PM

Count me in, too . . . I'm 20 now and I can't imagine getting married in the next five years, at least. I've got other things to do before I even start thinking about it.

33girl · #28 06-14-2003, 07:22 PM

sairose,

I think that part of your problem is that everyone around you is in a relationship and getting tied down early, and that's seen as normal. The first guy I dated seriously was freshman year of college...I was thinking it was going to be like a high school thing, date for 6 months or so, then move on to the next one. well this dude wanted to be MARRIED. All our friends (most of whom were upperclassmen - he was a senior) were in pre-engagement relationships. And coming from a small town where marrying and having kids is the be all and end all, it was very hard for me to not go along with it. I stayed in a very emotionally rotten relationship longer than I should have because of those old things that had been instilled in me.

When I realized that I could go out with my girlfriends and have a BETTER time than with him - it was the most amazing revelation of my life. Because I never believed that could be so. To boil it down, a man can't make you happy. You have to make you happy. lovelyivy is so right, if you are putting out the needy vibe, men will want nothing to do with you - unless they're more needy, which is never good.

Do not rule out the freshmen!! If they're hot and nice, it doesn't matter.

There are Christian based singles groups if you would feel more comfy with that. I don't know how close you are to a bigger city, but it might be worth a trip if possible.

lovelyivy84 · #29 06-14-2003, 10:25 PM

I really love the women of our generation. I think that we are the first set of women to really get the impression that there is nothing wrong or shameful with being single, or with finding something fulfilling outside of the home.

Most of us seem to know fairly early on that we have to value ourselves first.

Reading the resposes here reinforces that.

Peaches-n-Cream · #30 06-14-2003, 11:20 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Jill1228
It's not just you! I'm in the "Don't get married before 25" School of Thought

I am in the Don't Get Married Before 30 Club.

Maybe 35. Maybe Don't Get Married PERIOD.