Cry Me A River... should I? - Page 2

Jadey28 · #1 03-04-2003, 04:11 AM

Trust me, if he says he doesn't want you to visit him, that means he is with another girl. And if you show up, you are going to get yourself into a situation that you really don't want to deal with. I have done this before, and it really made things horrible between us. I also agree with what some of the others have said about moving on. My high school sweetheart and I were together when I started college, and I slowly started to realize that we had nothing in common anymore. He had different plans for what he wanted in life. While it was hard to let go of the 4 + year relationship, I let go and didn't look back for awhile. I stopped hanging out with the people that we hung out with together (they were his friends to start off with), I put everything away relating to us, and I removed his name from my IM list. I basically alienated myself from him to make the transition process easier. Now that I look back at our relationship (it's been over for 3 years), I know that I made the correct decision and that I really didn't feel for him the way that I thought I did. He wasn't the person I loved...I just loved the security of knowing where our relationship stood.

I am assuming that you are a freshman or somewhere early in college. Trust me, you are going to have the best time in the years to come. You will meet many new people and meet plenty of guys to flirt with. Enjoy it while you can. You never know when you will meet the person of your dreams. But if you don't separate yourself from him now, you might just get stuck in the routine of the relationship and hate yourself for passing up the prime years of college.

I hope all of this makes sense. I am writing this at 3 am. Good luck and remember you have your sisters to help you get through the tough times!

Jadey

James · #2 03-04-2003, 12:05 PM

Logic and emotion? Oil and water lol?

Haven't we all seen this pattern before? Boy/girl date for long time. One of them feels REALLY secure and decides to look around. So she releases her mate back into the wild, secretly thinking that he won't leave the backyard lol. Then he gets really upset when she starts moving on and tries to get him back.

But in reality, while she was free she crushed on various guys and only when those didn't work out did she go back and discover he actually left. IF she had found someone else, she would have just moved on.

Our friends do stuff like that all the time . . . good or bad you know?

So lets be nice about it.

Plus you guys are a little harsh in being like "move on!" The boy did nothing wrong here and he is not being mean. And just because he doesn't want her intruding on his new social life, doesn't mean that he has a new GF. He just has a new life, and doesn't want a surpirse visit.

James · #3 03-04-2003, 12:12 PM

Annie, just because I said that was the normal pattern doesn't means it fits your situation exactly.

But if you wantt o keep him, you need to keep as much positive contact with him as possible. Preferably some physical stuff also.

The way to keep a guy is a lot of contact that is very upbeat.

The way to keep a girl is a lot of contact that is more negative than upbeat. Odd but true.

So don't get all sad and mad at him on the phone. Boys avoid emotional conflict while women seem to embrace it. Haven't yall figured that out by now? Boys will avoid you if you give them a lot of emotional pain or discomfort.

And dangle positive bait from time to time . . like tickets to something he likes or activites to something he loves.

Always be flirty and a little sexy. There is very little mystery to maintaining a good relationship or the Act of Seduction it usually just comes don to good consistent Social Skills.

Good luck getting him back.

valkyrie · #4 03-04-2003, 12:17 PM

Annie, after thinking more about this, I would guess that you already know what the right thing to do is here. By "ignoring" him for a few months, I think you already decided that you have a lot of living to do while you're in school and don't need to be tied down by a relationship with someone who isn't in the same town while you are so young. I think you already know that you're too young to be tied down already, and were probably taking the first steps away from this relationship. Now, however, that he is drawing back from you, maybe it makes you a little afraid because you realize that, although it's what you want, you don't have as much control over the situation as you originally thought -- although it was, at first, you moving away from him, now he is moving away from you as well. Losing control, to whatever extent, is always at least a little scary.

Of course, I could be full of crap, but it is clear from the posts you make on greekchat that you are a confident young woman with a ton of amazing qualities. Move on and really enjoy your college years.

valkyrie · #5 03-04-2003, 12:19 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by James
The way to keep a girl is a lot of contact that is more negative than upbeat. Odd but true.

Good lord, James, what kind of freaks have you been hanging out with that would make you think this is true? I would have absolutely no interest in spending time around someone with whom I have a great deal of negative contact.

James · #6 03-04-2003, 01:00 PM

Oh I agree, however, you must admit that you don't always answer things on here, "typically" lol.

But come on, aren't we all constantly amazed at how long our friends will stay in negative relationships? People (generalizing) will often stay longer in a negative relationship than a positive one. Think about it.

Quote:

Originally posted by valkyrie
Good lord, James, what kind of freaks have you been hanging out with that would make you think this is true? I would have absolutely no interest in spending time around someone with whom I have a great deal of negative contact.

valkyrie · #7 03-04-2003, 01:05 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by James
Oh I agree, however, you must admit that you don't always answer things on here, "typically" lol.

But come on, aren't we all constantly amazed at how long our friends will stay in negative relationships? People (generalizing) will often stay longer in a negative relationship than a positive one. Think about it.

Yeah, I guess you're right. That's pretty weird, huh?

ZTAngel · #8 03-04-2003, 01:35 PM

It's so much easier said that done to "move on". I, too, went to college with my high school sweetheart and then ended up breaking up with him. It was the best decision I ever made although it hurt a lot at the time. If you are a freshman or a sophomore, use your time being single to have fun. Go out on socials, meet new guys, have fun with your sisters. Do all this before your classes start getting more major-intense and your liver starts to hate on you. You'll learn so much more about yourself being single than you ever will being with him. Being single will give you a chance to find out exactly what you're looking for a guy and go searching for those qualities. That way, your next relationship will hopefully work out. DON'T visit him. I know you probably have an intense urge to visit him in hopes that he'll see what he's missing and take you back. To put it bluntly, he'll probably get very annoyed that you visited him after he told you not to and your chances of even being friends with him will quickly diminish. To take your mind off the urge to visit him, make plans with your friends. Hang out with your sorority. Go home and visit your family over the weekend. Anything to keep you busy. Most of all: don't talk to him for a while. It'll just make it so much harder on you. In a few weeks, it'll hurt a lot less. Good luck.

James · #9 03-04-2003, 04:56 PM

Is it good advice to say the generally accepted thing?

I am not criticizing, but we all give the standard advice in these situations:

Too young to be invovled, long distance relationship . . play the field etc.

I used to also, but as I get older I wonder how good that advice is? Maybe when you are in love you should just ride with it and invest a lot of effort in making it work?

After all in other threads we give advice on maintaining long distance relationships. In other threads we all ooh and ahhh over a candle pass which means some 20-21 year old is getting engaged to get MARRIED.

So if 18-19 year old shark in skirt is too young to be in a committed relationship with her childhood sweetheart (which if she were to end up with him would be a Lifetime movie) Then shouldn't we be telling these women that want to get married at 20-21-22 to run away?

And shouldn't we be telling those women that want long distance relationships to find someone to love that is closer and therefore can fulfill more of their needs without lonliness and pain?

Just curious

valkyrie · #10 03-04-2003, 05:07 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by James
After all in other threads we give advice on maintaining long distance relationships. In other threads we all ooh and ahhh over a candle pass which means some 20-21 year old is getting engaged to get MARRIED.

So if 18-19 year old shark in skirt is too young to be in a committed relationship with her childhood sweetheart (which if she were to end up with him would be a Lifetime movie) Then shouldn't we be telling these women that want to get married at 20-21-22 to run away?

Here I go...I personally would NEVER ooh and ahhh over a candle pass for a 21 year old. IMHO, that is FAR too young to be getting engaged. Maybe I'm not the typical female, but I can't imagine why a woman in her early twenties would even be THINKING about getting married. When I was that age, I never did.

I'm a firm believer in having fun and being chill about things when you're young, because the college years are a time of self-discovery and if you're in a serious relationship that lasts for a long time, I think that your ability to grow as a strong, independent woman is at least somewhat hampered.

I just can't help but think that those who end up married to the people they started dating in high school are, someday down the road, going to feel frustrated. Of course, this isn't true for everybody, but I think that many of us need to run wild at least a little to get it out of our systems. Otherwise, for women in particular, I think the urge will hit them when they're a little older -- although I'm sure the same is true for guys.

ZTAngel · #11 03-04-2003, 05:09 PM

Interesting thought, James.

I don't think the issue is so much being young or the long distance thing. I think it's that they need to figure out exactly what they want in a relationship. Like she said, she ignored him few for a few months and now he's with another girl.
Maybe one day they'll get married and have millions of babies. You never know. But, out of all the people I know who went to college still dating their HS sweetheart (a good 20+ of them), there is just one who is still with hers. It does happen but it's rare.

I think she should use this break in her relationship to figure some things out. Maybe her figuring things out will lead her back to him. But, she won't know until she has that time to herself.

Use this break to your advantage. Have fun and allow him to do the same. It hurts but if you guys are right for each then it'll work out in the end.

damasa · #12 03-04-2003, 05:12 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by ZTAngel

Use this break to your advantage. Have fun and allow him to do the same. It hurts but if you guys are right for each then it'll work out in the end.

This is the best advice anyone will take from this thread.

BSUPhiSig'92 · #13 03-04-2003, 05:31 PM

I know it sucks, but I have to agree with all of the people saying "move on". Honestly, I only know one couple who stayed with their high school boy/girlfriend and went to different schools. They weren't that far apart, and she spent most weekends visiting him.

The fact is, college is probably the most life-altering time most young people experience. It's supposed to be. People grow and change in different ways based on their life experiences and the best thing you can do is realize that and accept how you both have grown apart.

Don't go visit him over your spring break. If he is still interested in a relationship with you, he'll come to you. If not, then chalk it up to experience and learn from it.

SSS1365 · #14 03-04-2003, 09:37 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by valkyrie
Here I go...I personally would NEVER ooh and ahhh over a candle pass for a 21 year old. IMHO, that is FAR too young to be getting engaged. Maybe I'm not the typical female, but I can't imagine why a woman in her early twenties would even be THINKING about getting married. When I was that age, I never did.

Um, excuse me, I'm engaged and I'm 21.

If I'm ready, I don't think it's anyone else's business. And no, he was not my high school sweetheart.

BUT I should add that I graduated from college last year and now have a steady income with a pretty good job. I will agree that without those things in place, any age may be "too young." So I'll be 22 when I get married... big deal. I feel ready for it. But I know there won't be any children for a long time

Cluey · #15 03-04-2003, 10:48 PM

In response to the age issue...

I think anyone would agree that the difference from 18 to 21 is a big one. You discover a lot about yourself through college.

Now, I, myself, could never have gotten married at 21. It's a personal decision that everyone has to make for themselves.