what's the funniest thing you've ever heard a drunk person say?

[Dionysus]

I didn't embarrass myself too much Tuesday night. Did I?

[ZTAngel]

"I hate you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Uttered by my roommate one night when she was drunk. She had drank WAY too much and she just couldn't get herself to throw up. She needed it out of her system because she had probably taken over 13 shots that night (she's only 95 pounds....for all those wondering, she is not in a sorority). So, her boyfriend filled a cup with some Parrot Bay and handed it to my roomie. He whispered to me, "This will get her to throw up" and then said to her, "Here's some water! Drink up!" She gulped some of the "water" and then just slumped back while muttering, "I hate you!!!! I hate you!!!!" 30 seconds later, she threw up.

[UDZETA]

One day last year I was out with a bunch of friends and I got really drunk and decided I needed to get sick. I was in a bathroom stall getting sick when my guy friend came in to check up on me. Well I had the stall door shut and he would open to see how I was doing and I told him "I don't need an audience" (in a drunk funny voice) and then I shut the stall door on him. Another one of my comments on a different outing was "I wish I could piss across the room too!" I think the guys I was with were talking about using urinals (I hope).

[KSig RC]

-A buddy of mine hooked up w/ a girl in the Engineering department, who sort of acted like she'd never seen a guy before. Anyway, they're going at it, and she starts trying to act all porn-star and whispers in his ear, "You have a really big (package)." He turns to her and says, "You don't hook up very much, do you?"

Classic.

-ksigkid was in Boston for the 4th of July 2 years ago, a bunch of brothers head on back to the house to BBQ and get housed. As such, this is exactly what happens - Collin is sitting on the couch, turns to his left, and starts asking questions of the 'person' next to him - "Hey, Aabcey - how long you been here, man?"

It wasn't Aabcey - it was a large fan. "Collin, you're talking to the Vornado! Aabcey's in the bathroom."

-We're wandering back one night, and in front of your friendly Campus Convenience outlet a rather large, rather scantily-clad girl is standing on a folding chair, drunk off her ass and yelling at people. I have letters on, so she starts yelling shit at us - "Frat assholes, date-rapists, blah blah blah" . . . not an extremely pleasant scene, getting berated by a girl who's spilling out of her tube top (seriously bad). So my buddy Chris (who is housed) laughs, walks up to her and calmly points to CamCo, and politely states, "Hey, I think there's dessert in there!"

Needless to say, while hysterical, I expected the folding chair in the face, WWF style.

I'll post more later, I don't want to be the only one looking like a drunken ass.

//misspellings = edit

[pinkyphimu]

ok, one night in the midst of a game of asshole, one of the guys looked at the asshole and said, "drink for drinking drunk" when he ment to say, "drink for being stupid."

this one takes a bit of background info....the summer btwn my first and second year of college, a fraternity on campus was kicked off for selling drugs, the house was condemned and turned into a sand volleyball court. flash forward to my 21st birthday the summer before my senior year......i was the president of my chapter and i was living in the area for the summer. i got extremely drunk. when some friends were driving me home, we had to drive past campus and the former fraternity house/ sand volleyball court. i burst in to tears and said, "i can't believe i got drunk. we are going to get kicked off campus and our house is going to be a volleyball court." my friends started laughing and said, "unless you start selling cocaine, you are not going to get your sorority kicked off campus!"

i am sure if i think hard enough, i will remember more.

[aephi alum]

Some friends of mine and I (all women) went out to a club one evening - we thought it was 19+ night, but it was actually 21+ night, and one of us was underage, so we all got turned back (well, only she did, but we weren't about to abandon her). This random drunk saw the whole thing and said "Yeah, that club'sh 21-plush tonight. But you can come 'ome with me." Yeah, right.

Then there was the drunk guy who approached one of my sisters (about 4 of us were out together walking around town) and started singing to her, at the top of his lungs, really bad poetry about how beautiful she was and how much he liked her little backpack (it was a few years ago when those mini-backpacks were popular as handbags). She literally ran across the street, oncoming cars notwithstanding!

[chideltjen]

From my pledge semester:

"Make me pretty!!!!!"

and

"It's eating me!!!" (the same girl had gotten her foot stuck underneath a couch after too many shots of 151...)

It was a night to remember, for sure.

[AXJules]

If I DID drink, I would have to be embarassed the most about a time that happened last year in Cancun. I was walking home with my friends at like 5 AM and I saw this brown palm tree leaf on the side walk.
I swear to god it looked like a trout or something, so I yell out, "Hey!!! You should come out with us tomorrow night!"
My friends are like, wtf are you talking about???
I go, 'everyone loves a red herring at a party. It can drink like a fish."
HORRIBLE. They were so confused/embarassed/whatever that I walked the rest of the way home.

[Peaches-n-Cream]

These are funny drunk stories.

[UofIL AXO]

An intoxicated boy, also a friend, explaining his pool abilities when he was younger:

"If I could get my 7 year old self to play myself today, I would kick my own A$$."

Later, explaining his family:

"Well I have two brothers and a sister, so there's five of us."

[ZTAMich]

tonight for a good 10 minutes over IM a very drunk fraternity president swore I was someone else. She and I have similar screen names and it just lead for a bit of embarassment on his part...

"Karen XYXYXY that's so you're name"
"uhhh try again"
"oh my god. who the hell is this. what do you mean this isn't her screen name"

quite amusing....

[KappaTarzan]

tonight one of the phi kap brothers came up to me while extremely drunk and stone and said "hey mandy.. i'm stoned LIK A KITE!" i laughed so hard... then a few minutes later he came back and said "mandy, mandy, tell them i'm really stone, like a space shuttle" at which point i removed the handle of captain's from his hand and sent him on his merry way to bed...

another good drunk quote was last year when my sorority was walking over to a fraternity house wearing only trash bags.. as we walked over the police pulled up. my big, being the fun drunk she is, said "there is nothing going on hear, officer, proooceed proooooooceed" and he actually left. hahahaha...

and don't you love how every drunk person who pukes ALWAYS says "i'm never drinking again" rriiiiiiiiiiight......

[DeltAlum]

Remember Blatz Beer?

I was NOT drunk at the time, but worked my way through part of college as a live booth announcer at a TV station in Columbus on weekends. (they don't have them any more -- we did live commercials, promos, station ID voice overs live in the past -- now, it's all on tape)

Well, OK, I had a beer or two with dinner down at Ohio State, but not enough to be impaired...

I was reading a sponsorship announcement before the 11 PM Sports which was supposed to say,

"TV4 11:00 O'clock sports, in color, is brought to you by the brewers of Draught brewed Blatz, now here a popular prices..."

What came out was, "TV4 11:00 O'clock sports, in color, is brought to you by the brewers of Draught Blewed Bratz, now here at popular prices...

The on-camera sportscaster completely lost it.

(Hilarious thing heard from a drunk at Court and Union Street in Athens: "Let's go to Oxford for a good time") Just kidding, I love my Miami friends.

[Kevlar281]

This is a quote from the soberest brother at one of our grill parties who was elected to go talk to the police officers that were staked out across the street from our house.

“Hi officers we got some beer and burgers in the backyard; would y’all like me to send the pledges over with anything?” – Ted “T-Bone” Borel

They didn’t want anything but they also didn’t bust the party.

[DeltAlum]

Originally posted by Kevlar281
“Hi officers we got some beer and burgers in the backyard; would y’all like me to send the pledges over with anything?”

Now that's funny. And very proactive. Could have gotten busted for hazing, though, in some states.