Helicopters, Snowplows and Recruitment

[KSUViolet06]

The people coptering and plowing are not the ones you think.

Everyone thinks of a certain type of Southern mom coptering and plowing at places like Ole Miss, Bama, Texas.

The thing is, the well-to-do Southern kiddos, moms whose kids are legacies to the school and the chapter, the kids who went to camp and school with lots of sorority members, the ones whose moms are significant donors - those are not (usually) the moms in trees. Those are the kids who do not need a copter because they are generally going to get bids to wherever they want.

They don't need to be told how to dress. They already know. They do not need to be told they need recs. Their friends and mom's friends are already writing them. They don't have to jockey for connections, they already have them.

The guiltiest of coptering and plowing and going generally crazy over recruitment are those who are:

1. Social climbers. Parents who are not Greek and are interested in their kids having the social capital that they do not have. So they have to work hard to get prepared because they do not have the advantanges that the above kids have.

2. Greek moms from NON-SOUTHERN CHAPTERS WHO DON'T KNOW HOW competitive recruitment WORKS. This is the girl whose mom went to CORNFIELD STATE. She is a Confield State Kappa alumna. Child is rushing at Big Southern and parent assumes that daughter will get a bid to Big Southern Kappa. Not realizing that chapters prioritize their own legacies above those from other chapters.

3. Clueless moms. Clueless lady whose sister's cousin's daughter rushed at an entirely different school and they heard it was easy. Therefore it should be easy for Suzy. No.

[SigmaCat]

I think lots of guidance is fine - I know I wish I'd had more before I rushed. I think it's GOOD if knowledgeable parents and friends are providing good advice about proceeding through the experience - what to avoid, how to showcase strengths, &c. I'm okay with them putting out feelers about recs, too. If you want to make the most of the opportunity, it's an all-hands-on-deck situation and everybody should pool resources to help. That said, the endeavor should be primarily driven by the student. It's not okay for parents to hijack the process by doing the student's applications for her, collecting references alone and without the student's participation, dictating every last detail regarding clothing/makeup/hair/conversation, and stalking her through recruitment to make sure she makes the "right" choices. There's a difference between making sure the student knows what she's up against and has all the tools she needs to maximize her options on one hand, and rushing by proxy through one's child on the other.

[carnation]

In the South, rec-writing is a social thing just like giving wedding showers. If you write recs for your friends' daughters, your friends will be there when you need them. Just like if you participate in giving showers for your friends' daughters, they'll be throwing one for your daughter someday.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by carnation

In the South, rec-writing is a social thing just like giving wedding showers. If you write recs for your friends' daughters, your friends will be there when you need them. Just like if you participate in giving showers for your friends' daughters, they'll be throwing one for your daughter someday.

That’s it in a nutshell. These women aren’t being asked to do an arduous task. Now if those recs get written and sent and daughter doesn’t write a thank you note - or worse, mom writes the thank you notes for her - that’s not acceptable, and maybe a sign that daughter really isn’t into this whole rush thing (or mom skipped some important etiquette lessons along the way).

Helping daughter pick a wardrobe, practice conversation, keep track of what’s going on...I don’t think of any of that as fwap fwappy, any more than my mom and I picking out my college linens together in the Sears catalog was fwap fwappy.

The blades start spinning when: 1) mom tries to influence daughter’s choices during rush; 2) mom calls the sororities/school screaming when Li’l Poundcake gets cut; 3) mom has created a relationship where daughter who has less than zero interest in being Greek can’t tell mom or talk honestly with her, and gets stuck in what is inarguably a tiring and draining process.

What has made the process as intense as it is now? More students, for starters. Social media- everyone is going to know where you pledged, the group’s reputation, etc. Rules are far more strictly enforced - quotas, totals, RFM, risk management.

I also think part of it is because a lot of kids are in college that just plain shouldn’t be there - they either don’t have the smarts or don’t have the desire - but parents have been brainwashed into thinking that if their kid doesn’t get a top notch college education they’ve failed.

https://www.npr.org/sections/ed/2018...CQG7DMZfO0X_GY

[Xidelt]

I just wanted you all to know that your honest talk has Lil' Poundcake, Dumplin' and Snowflake over in the corner crying.

[TXDG]

The snowplows come out when Mom is calling the chapters or Greek Life office to demand to know why Snowflake was released from “x” chapter or calling the New Member officer to demand Snowflake get “Suzy” for her Big Sis or complain about Snowflake trying to balance studying with sorority or to ask for an Excused absence for a chapter event. Anything that falls under something that Snowflake should do herself or things that shouldn’t be done at all.

Mom helping with recs, outfits, introductions is all par for the course here in TX, as is briefly showing up to Bid Day at some schools. I’m sure it’s a helicopter-ish but when literally everyone else is doing it, you’re setting your daughter up to fail at some schools to expect an 18-year-old to play and win at an alumnae’s game.

[NYCMS]

For me, snowplow moms - in addition to what everyone has written - are those mothers who pressure their daughters to the point of leaving them witless during rush.

My cousin went to an SEC school (decades ago but snowplows have always existed) and knew a girl whose mom said "pledge my house or drop out of school." She did join that house and developed a serious alcohol problem later that year, she was so unhappy. I remember a girl that my sorority wanted (at Arizona) who was in a similar situation and wound up in dear old Mom's house which was a total mis-match for her. She dropped out before initiation and didn't rush again.

[VioletsAreBlue]

Originally Posted by TXDG

Mom helping with recs, outfits, introductions is all par for the course here in TX, as is briefly showing up to Bid Day at some schools. I’m sure it’s a helicopter-ish but when literally everyone else is doing it, you’re setting your daughter up to fail at some schools to expect an 18-year-old to play and win at an alumnae’s game.

How do you define fail? Not getting a bid? Getting a bid to someplace other than preferred by either mom or daughter, or both?

And I think you hit the nail on the head. Sorority recruitment should be the collegiate game, not the alumnae game. It's a shame it's become that way.

[AXOrushadvisor]

When they call the Chapter President, Recruitment Adviser and past Chapter President to try to get their legacy a bid. Didn't work btw.

[carnation]

But you know why it can't be totally a collegiate game? Because some collegians absolutely can not see beyond the, say, beauty or popularity of certain PNMs to realize what risk management problems they can be.

I recall a recent situation in which an alum of one sorority was called by an alum of another one and was advised that a girl the first woman's group had carried to third parties had pictures on her social media of herself--urinating in the street on New Year's Eve, The sorority members of Group A had no idea. The girls kind of didn't want to cut her for that despite the proof because she was gorgeous, and the alums insisted. Apparently, most of the other sororities had seen it and cut her already.

I don't want any group to pledge anyone who's a huge risk in any way! I don't want a chapter of 100 innocent girls to lose their charter because of the actions of 1 or 2 girls!

[33girl]

Originally Posted by VioletsAreBlue

How do you define fail? Not getting a bid? Getting a bid to someplace other than preferred by either mom or daughter, or both?

And I think you hit the nail on the head. Sorority recruitment should be the collegiate game, not the alumnae game. It's a shame it's become that way.

Are you saying get rid of recs or what? Or disallow parent involvement? I really don’t think the latter is possible.

I mean even at my teeny not very competitive alma mater, I’m sure there probably were girls who were on the phone with their moms multiple times a day during rush trying to figure it out.

[IndianaSigKap]

^ This. FTW.

[GratefulGramma]

Looking back, I am even more proud of BG (Beloved Granddaughter); neither her mother or I were Greek, in fact her mother was almost anti-Greek. BG decided to go through recruitment on her own, I managed to round up two or three recs, but my step-daughter and her friends probably mangled theirs because they had no idea how to to it. BG was home schooled, never went to any camps except church camps, had one friend who was in a sorority. But she got in, found her "squad" and loved it.

Now, post graduation and getting her head together, she has been accepted for Grad School at Boston University and awarded the second highest scholarship they offer. I personally think she's going to freeze to death, but she is ecstatic; we went for an Accepted Student weekend and explored Boston for a few days (her mother and I were just there to sight-see) and she is still excited.

[FSUZeta]

Congratulations to BG!

[ChioLu]

Here’s a couple of the snowplow parents indicted in the college admission scheme. She is known as a Parenting Guru and has written a book with the unintendedly ironic title of “The Modern Girl’s Guide to Sticky Situations”. Not to be outdone in irony, her husband is the author of the bestselling book “First, Break All the Rules”.
https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/ne...heater-1195527