"These are the rules!" But you didn't understand....

[agzg]

I didn't have too many "rules" - if my behavior was a problem my parents would correct it then and there. Sometimes it meant being grounded for stuff that I did that was a mistake of carelessness (like leaving a red lipstick in my pockets and running it through the wash, ruining all the clothes). But my brother broke most of the rules before I got a chance, anyway. They had the usual "don't drink and drive" and "tell us when you'll be home" type rules. They also made sure my first car was a manual transmission so none of my friends would want to borrow it.

[Low D Flat]

the curfew is more about the parents knowing that the kid is home safe at an hour that reasonably aligns with the parents' bedtime.

What you describe is reasonable, but none of my friends' parents must have been using this logic, because the curfew got later as they got older, and I doubt their parents were going to bed later and later.

[Sciencewoman]

Originally Posted by Low D Flat

What you describe is reasonable, but none of my friends' parents must have been using this logic, because the curfew got later as they got older, and I doubt their parents were going to bed later and later.

I think it's a case of "reasonable limits" that the older "kid" can live with, while the parent has reassurance that the the kid will be safely home at a reasonable hour.

Our family had a tragedy which influenced the family psyche regarding curfews, and led to several rules/family idioms. This happened a couple years before I was born, but it influenced my parents and some of the "rules" they shared. My aunt's first husband died in a motorcycle accident...he'd been working on refurbishing a wooden sailboat with his brother, and he wanted to try out his brother's new motocycle and drive it home for the night. They'd had a couple beers, and he wasn't an experienced motorcyclist. He went off the road and hit a tree. A passing motorist discovered him early the next morning and called police. My aunt had gone to bed, and his brother had assumed he'd gotten home safely. The police knocked on her door that morning to tell her the news.

The rules this led to were:

1. Always call to let my parents know when I'd arrived somewhere after a long trip, back to college, etc. They do this, too...they always call to tell me when they've arrived somewhere...I know the source of this, and it's understandable.
2. Don't ever rely on someone else to support you...get a good education, and don't ever give up your career.
3. Buy life insurance. My uncle was an orthopedic surgeon, and he'd bought a lot of life insurance to help out a buddy who was just starting his own insurance practice...he had mortgage insurance, college funds, everything. They had 4 young children; my parents stressed that at least she didn't have to worry about finances, on top of everything else.
4. While they never said, "don't ride motorcycles," no one in my family has since that day, and I took this as an uspoken rule.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by Sciencewoman

1. Always call to let my parents know when I'd arrived somewhere after a long trip, back to college, etc. They do this, too...they always call to tell me when they've arrived somewhere...I know the source of this, and it's understandable.

That was always a rule in my house, too, and it's pretty much a rule in my own house now. My wife and I call or text each other as well when we've gotten somewhere.

[cheerfulgreek]

I'm also Italian, and I was never brought up with those table rules. Actually, I've never heard of it before.

[cheerfulgreek]

I was talking to my mom last night, and we were having a "remember when you were a kid" conversation. We laughed through most of it. It reminded me of this thread. She told me I was a such a good kid.

I think for me, the reason I turned out the way I did is because I had a healthy respect for my parents authority that was instilled in me at an early age, and I must admit, it kept me out of a lot of trouble. If I scraped up enough courage to ask why, I was simply told, "Because I said so." Of course that response would make me mad, but hey, what's a girl to do when she's a child? In hindsight, I came to see the wisdom of my parents instructions as I compared my life to the stories of those who had chosen to go their own way and revel in their rebellion against authority. At the time, I had no idea that my mom and dad actually knew what they were talking about. Because of the way they raised me, I can now see my life as good, and the good choices I've made. Thanks Mom, thanks Dad.

[DrPhil]

I was a "good kid" for three reasons:
1. Doing the "wrong thing" was more stressful than doing the "right thing". I like to have as much control of the outcome as possible and prefer things to be well worth the investment in time and effort.

2. I honestly saw myself as investing in my future freedom as an adult. Stay out of trouble so I can eventually have my own education, employment, money, and freedom. Then I can do whatever the hell I choose.

3. Love and respect for my parents. They were very strict. In high school, they gave us more freedom and there were a couple of times we tried to test that freedom. LOL. They made sure they reeled us in and put us in our teenager place. Other than those rare instances, I was very obedient. My parents aren't always right. But, listening to them as a child meant I can ignore much of their advice as an adult.

[Phrozen Sands]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

I was talking to my mom last night, and we were having a "remember when you were a kid" conversation. We laughed through most of it. It reminded me of this thread. She told me I was a such a good kid.

I think for me, the reason I turned out the way I did is because I had a healthy respect for my parents authority that was instilled in me at an early age, and I must admit, it kept me out of a lot of trouble. If I scraped up enough courage to ask why, I was simply told, "Because I said so." Of course that response would make me mad, but hey, what's a girl to do when she's a child? In hindsight, I came to see the wisdom of my parents instructions as I compared my life to the stories of those who had chosen to go their own way and revel in their rebellion against authority. At the time, I had no idea that my mom and dad actually knew what they were talking about. Because of the way they raised me, I can now see my life as good, and the good choices I've made. Thanks Mom, thanks Dad.

I know people who had strict parents like yours who really didn't turn out that well. I think sometimes when parents are too strict, it can cause kids to rebell. Sometimes that "fear" of the parents isn't a good thing. My parents were pretty laid back, and I turned out well. At least I think so.

[DrPhil]

I agree, Phrozen. This is about a combination of parenting and personality. There is something wrong if a child requires as much supervision at 17 as she/he required at 7.

[honorgal]

My observation, from my own experiences growing up, and from raising three children (youngest is still in college) and observing countless friends with varying parenting styles is that individual personality plays a huge role. Not that parenting rules don't play a part, but... we all fall somewhere different on a spectrum of risk taking, envelope pushing, common sense, rule following, respect for authority, etc.

Out of three kids we had two who were, from the get-go, cautious and risk averse, and one (middle child) who "courted danger" at every turn. He needed more rules and structure than the other two combined.

[TonyB06]

The last 3 posters have essentially said the same thing. Parental "rules" flow from parental styles. You (as parent(s)) set the parameters/boundaries for behavior and most kids will operate within that construct or face corrective penalties.

It worked for me, and I use it with my girls. Of course, they have differing personalities I have to take into account but for the most part it works.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by Phrozen Sands

I know people who had strict parents like yours who really didn't turn out that well. I think sometimes when parents are too strict, it can cause kids to rebell. Sometimes that "fear" of the parents isn't a good thing. My parents were pretty laid back, and I turned out well. At least I think so.

You and I may define "strict" differently. I didn't think my parents were strict at all, but they did have rules, and there were consequences if I didn't follow those rules.

I recall as a young woman in high school observing the behavior of peers as they made choices that cost them dearly. What separated me from them was simply (like you said) "fear". Fear of getting caught, and greater yet, fear of my parents. My parents, especially my mom, had an uncanny way of finding things out. It was even scarier when they would predict things, and they happened just as they said. After learning this lesson the hard way (on a few occasions ), I decided it was best to comply with their rules and save myself the heartbreak of being found out. Or worse yet, of becoming the unwitting victim of the consequences they had forewarned would occur should I choose to go against their instruction. I just felt that if I didn't obey them, the only person I would be hurting was not only them, but me.

Plus, I don't know the people you know or their parents.