HOOKING UP! Gentlemen in your opinion...(ladies ya can read on too I suppose...)

[SilverTurtle]

Originally posted by James


I have had some friends say they would date/go out with (which necessitates respect) a girl that had sex (or oral sex) with them on the first date . . . but would never marry them.

Actually I have heard that a lot from guys, the never marry response. I had a friend thatw as dating a girl for over 3 years and told me point blank he would never ever marry her because she had sex with the first night.

Ok, I realize this wasn't you James,... but how can anyone invest 3 years in a relationship knowing that they won't ever take it further because of something that, in the big picture, is rather trivial? I mean, why waste his time with a relationship? Why not just keep her as a booty call.

I have to agree with everyone saying that it's hypocritical to dump a girl for the same thing you are doing. And it's obviously not just girls' putting that double standard out there (it actually goes way back in history, but let's not go on about it.) It's one thing to have sex on the 1st date and think it was "just a hook up", and so not pursue the relationship.

I doubt I would ever (and have not to this point) have sex on a first date. As others have mentioned, sometimes things are more "right"... and then sometimes there's your friend alchohol helping you out. But it's a big "no" in my book.

[aephi alum]

G8Ralphaxi, you are so right. The precise timing is less important; the question is whether an emotional / spiritual bond exists. Some couples build that bond over months or years; some build it in an evening. (And others just forget about it, hook up, have some no-strings-attached sex, and that's the end of it.)

[PKTSU01]

Originally posted by brooklineu
What about if you know the girl, she's a friend you've known for a few years? Does that change the put out on the first date rule? I mean, it's different when you've known someone for 3 years or so and then you hook up, rather than someone you just met....am I correct in this thinking?

Yeah, you're right, it would be different with a friend. BUT I'd be even more wary of my actions, because now I'm dealing with someone i may actually care about and not want to ruin an already established relationship with, as opposed to the girl in the bar that's most likely hit or miss. Whether I hit or miss with a friend, i'm going to most likely have some pretty decent sized consequences either way. And if I would have felt like a jerk for making a stupid move with a virtual stranger, imagine how it would be with a long time friend. This is most DEFINETLY a situation to avoid.

[James]

Sheez man, live a little, take a risk without fear of the consequences and let the chips fall where they will!

Originally posted by PKTSU01


Yeah, you're right, it would be different with a friend. BUT I'd be even more wary of my actions, because now I'm dealing with someone i may actually care about and not want to ruin an already established relationship with, as opposed to the girl in the bar that's most likely hit or miss. Whether I hit or miss with a friend, i'm going to most likely have some pretty decent sized consequences either way. And if I would have felt like a jerk for making a stupid move with a virtual stranger, imagine how it would be with a long time friend. This is most DEFINETLY a situation to avoid.

[PKTSU01]

Ever broken someones heart before and actually had a conscience about it bro?

I'm all for actions, but throwing caution to the wind and not being careful with this type of shit is just not my style. Although, it would be nice to not have to worry about how ya come off but then, I'm way too image conscious to do that. That's my problem I suppose but hey...whateva!

[Beef]

Originally posted by James
Sheez man, live a little, take a risk without fear of the consequences and let the chips fall where they will!

While I agree with that to a certain extent, in no way would I apply that logic to this topic....
If were to only effect one person, fine. But unless its purely a one night stand, you are effecting someone else, and by "living alittle" you might throw a 3rd party in the mix if she happens to get prego.. Now you just opened a WHOLE nother can-o-worms just so you could live alittle.

While I might not put too much worth on what others think of me(aside from friends and familly), I have to live with myself and what I think.

[James]

In this context we are not talking about disease etc. We are talking about not taking the counsel of our fears in regards to whether we risk our current friendship to see if we can take the relationship to a new level.

There is nothing mercenary about it, there is just not being so blinded by what you perceive might go wrong (with the friendship/love affair) that you take no action and miss a golden opportunity.

Not deciding is deciding. Not going forward means deciding to stay in place or drift behind.

[PKTSU01]

Originally posted by James
In this context we are not talking about disease etc. We are talking about not taking the counsel of our fears in regards to whether we risk our current friendship to see if we can take the relationship to a new level.

There is nothing mercenary about it, there is just not being so blinded by what you perceive might go wrong (with the friendship/love affair) that you take no action and miss a golden opportunity.

Not deciding is deciding. Not going forward means deciding to stay in place or drift behind.

I get your point cap'n, but I'd personally forgo(sp?) the "golden opportunity" of getting some ass with a friend tonight just so I could have my personal and emotional issues in order when i wake up in the morning. Again, this is just my opinion, because I wouldn't necessarily fault a guy for taking the opportunity.

[G8Ralphaxi]

PKT, you're a good guy. Unless you're just copying these little comments from some Hallmark card somewhere.

Keep the idealism, my friend! Don't let the cynics get you!

James, there is a HUGE difference between "missing a golden opportunity" by not rushing things, and waiting until you're sure the time is right because you value a friendship/that other person, etc.

If waiting for sex keeps me and the guy on better emotional grounds and preserves a friendship, then I will HAPPILY stay frustrated.

I think sex is great. Sex is beautiful. Sex is wonderful. But it is also VERY good at screwing (pun intended! ) things beyond belief!

[James]

Well . . .

1. There is almost NEVER a good time both people agree on.

2. You will never know until you try.

3. So try!


James

PS. Please, please, please, be brave?

[amycat412]

Please be brave?

I like that.

I've always looked at it as going out on a limb. And it is. With some people that moment comes much sooner than others.

My ex husband and I slept together on our first date. And no, that had nothing to do w our breakup!!

Basically, if I feel it and its appropriate, why not? If I don't, if we haven;t connected on that level that makes me feel like its good to go, then we wait---could be 3-4 dates, could be 3-4 months-depends on the situation.

I cAN say for sure though, that the future mr. amycat will not have any hang ups about this and will be in sync with me--if we feel like having sex on the first date, we will, if we don't we'll wait--but there will be no judgements or hang ups about it.

[Optimist Prime]

I believe in love at first sight. So yeah, I could serioiuslly date someoen that started out as a one night stand.

[justamom]

NEVER would I have had sex on the first date and I don't believe things have changed all that much. So let's put the shoe on the other foot. This is what we called the "physical reacton" test.

You are with a guy and the two of you are at a point where you either go forward or back off.(Everybody has their clothes on!) This is what we looked for.
1. Controled but heavey breathing.
2. trembling
3. Increased heart beat
4. Dry mouth/sweaty hands
5. The big "Hellooooooo" sign.
When these "symptoms" were present and the guy had the strength to say something like "Are you busy tomorrow?" or "Can I call you?" without trying to go any farther...that's when we knew we were with someone who was looking for more than a quickie. If the attraction was mutual, he was the guy we went home wondering about-what it would be like. The guy who came on like a Don Juan was not to be trusted because we knew he had polished his approach and that's all it was...an approach.
These were the musings of some college girls in the '70's, but there's still some truth in it today.

[AOPiLaLa]

JUST A MOM--that is GREAT advice and seriously made me laugh. I am not really sure where I stand on this issue but I do agree that while sex is really fun, it also can really complicate things. I guess you need to decide before you do it, where you are wanting this to go and if you are going to be able to take it if he never calls again. I know that personally, I am pretty fragile on stuff like that, so I always set myself up for the worst, as not to have my heart completely broken by surprise. But I have also never slept with a guy I just met, so maybe thats why I can still feel that way. I pass NO judgement on anyone, though. I think you know how to live your life better than anyone else and trusting in your own decisions is the best way. Do what you know is best for you and everything else will fall into place

[Peaches-n-Cream]

I like Justamom's advice. I've never had a one night stand or put out on the first date, and I haven't missed a thing except perhaps some heartache. I think that it is better to be safe than sorry.