HELP! Big/Little problems :( - Page 2

agzg · #1 10-12-2010, 11:54 AM

I don't understand... after initiation, the big/little (or in my case, sister-mother/sister-daughter) relationship should be much less important, no? I mean, you can still be close, and you can love your tree or whatever, but any sister would be welcomed to do nice things for any other sister (the decorating the door, etc.) - why does it have to be your big doing it for you or you doing it for your little?

My sister-mother was particularly close with three other women at the time I was a new member, and as a result, I became close with them as a NM. Two of those three, plus my sister-mother, are probably 3 of my best friends ever. In fact, I'll have been in all three of their weddings, once my sister-mother gets married next fall.

If you have personal problems with the people doing the potential "poaching" it shouldn't be her problem unless family trees are being rearranged. If my sister-mother had transferred I don't think she would have been upset if I continued to be very close with the other women I was close with in the chapter. If you have personal problems with those trying to "adopt" your little, really that's a problem with you and that person, and is something that should have no bearing on your big/little relationship (and getting possessive about your little is actually pretty petty, IMO).

I guess what I'm saying is, why can't she have close friendships with the people who she chooses to have them with after you leave? Is she supposed to become some sort of loner at that point?

33girl · #2 10-12-2010, 12:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by agzg

Unless you have personal problems with the people doing the potential "poaching" it shouldn't be a problem unless family trees are being rearranged.

That's the point - that's exactly what's happening.

agzg · #3 10-12-2010, 12:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 33girl

That's the point - that's exactly what's happening.

Where was that said?

33girl · #4 10-12-2010, 12:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by agzg

Where was that said?

Sorry, I should have worded that differently. She really didn't answer that question that I asked her. HOWEVER, if that is the case, as you said, she has the right to be pissed.

agzg · #5 10-12-2010, 12:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 33girl

Sorry, I should have worded that differently. She really didn't answer that question that I asked her. HOWEVER, if that is the case, as you said, she has the right to be pissed.

Right, but if that's not what's happening, she has no right to be pissed, IMO.

DeltaBetaBaby · #6 10-12-2010, 11:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SunDevilGreek

I recently transfered from the University where I was initiated, and since then my little (who I'm really close with) has been telling me that some of the girls in my sorority are trying to take her as a little now that I'm gone. When I took her, she was one of those girls that everyone wanted as a little. And apparently they still do.

It started first when her roommate suggested she take her (and then her roomie's big wrote on my little's wall "GRANDLITTLE!", like it was official), but then I found out there were a few girls that legitimately want her and have brought it up. I think for the most part people assume we're not that close because we have really different personalities.

I'm not sure there's anything I can really do about this, but what do you all think? I'm really upset about the whole thing.

Okay, back to the OP. Would having a god-big be a good solution to this problem? Are there events and stuff that you do in families, or other reasons why she would NEED to have a big, instead of just close friendships with other women in the house?

SunDevilGreek · #7 10-13-2010, 09:21 PM

Can I also just add in reference to the comments that I "left her": That makes it sound like something I did selfishly. I COULDN'T stay (and believe me I wanted to). It was SUPER hard telling her I was leaving, we were both crying. I felt horrible. So yes, I did leave the university, but (like I told her) I'm always 100% there for her, even if I'm not there in person.

PS. I actually like the idea of a God-Big. I'm not sure if she physically needs a big anymore since she's not a new member, but I will ask

Drolefille · #8 10-13-2010, 09:29 PM

I don't think that other people should be pressuring her into being 'adopted' into their 'family' but I also don't think her doing so should utterly destroy the foundations of your relationship either.

My two cents. If that

southbymidwest · #9 10-13-2010, 10:32 PM

I'm really wondering if your little is being "coerced". Perhaps she is telling you that, but the reality could be that she is sending out mixed signals to all involved. I admit, I am a bit of a cynic.

agzg · #10 10-13-2010, 10:50 PM

So, they're going to let your tree die out? Did you take another little while you were active in that chapter?

If so, that's really effing shitty.

But my comments still stand. It's an issue that, should you choose to, you should work out with the people doing the coercing, if that makes sense.

steelerbear · #11 10-14-2010, 03:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SunDevilGreek

I'm not sure there's anything I can really do about this, but what do you all think? I'm really upset about the whole thing.

I understand where you're coming from. You're right; there's really not much you can or even should do about it, but it certainly does hurt.

When I initiated, "adoptions" were the anomaly. But shortly after Initiation, one of my pledge sisters relinquished her membership, and another pledge sister's Big relinquished hers as well--so the abandoned Big and Little adopted each other. I felt a little ripped off, to be honest, because the abandoned Big was my first choice for a Big. Anyway... later on in college, the 2nd of my two Littles, with whom I had the closer relationship, relinquished her membership. Her little--my GrandLittle--, even though she'd been a full initiated member for several years, decided to be adopted by someone else. This actually hurt me a whole lot, because I was still very active in the chapter as a senior. To this day, even though it's not all that important in the grand scheme of things, I'm still a little hurt by my GLil's choice to be adopted.

Long story short, I think it would be worth mentioning your feelings to your Little. True, it may not be the end of the world if she chooses to take another Big, and it wouldn't necessarily be the end of your friendship (certainly not your sisterhood!), and it might even be a good idea for her to take another Big because you're no longer at the same school (especially if it's within her first year of joining). But still... I think you owe it to yourself to express your feelings, and you owe it to your Little to fill her in, as well.

Best of luck!!

Xylochick216 · #12 10-14-2010, 06:07 PM

When we had people transfer out or graduate, people often took on what we called "pseudo-bigs" and "pseudo-littles." The tree was still intact, but they had their real big and then a stand-in. Often the two families would unofficially merge, and it's cool to see those branches still taking pictures with their "pseudo-families" years later at initiation day, all because two women supported each other.