HELP! Big/Little problems :(

[agzg]

I don't understand... after initiation, the big/little (or in my case, sister-mother/sister-daughter) relationship should be much less important, no? I mean, you can still be close, and you can love your tree or whatever, but any sister would be welcomed to do nice things for any other sister (the decorating the door, etc.) - why does it have to be your big doing it for you or you doing it for your little?

My sister-mother was particularly close with three other women at the time I was a new member, and as a result, I became close with them as a NM. Two of those three, plus my sister-mother, are probably 3 of my best friends ever. In fact, I'll have been in all three of their weddings, once my sister-mother gets married next fall.

If you have personal problems with the people doing the potential "poaching" it shouldn't be her problem unless family trees are being rearranged. If my sister-mother had transferred I don't think she would have been upset if I continued to be very close with the other women I was close with in the chapter. If you have personal problems with those trying to "adopt" your little, really that's a problem with you and that person, and is something that should have no bearing on your big/little relationship (and getting possessive about your little is actually pretty petty, IMO).

I guess what I'm saying is, why can't she have close friendships with the people who she chooses to have them with after you leave? Is she supposed to become some sort of loner at that point?

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Originally Posted by SunDevilGreek

I recently transfered from the University where I was initiated, and since then my little (who I'm really close with) has been telling me that some of the girls in my sorority are trying to take her as a little now that I'm gone. When I took her, she was one of those girls that everyone wanted as a little. And apparently they still do.

It started first when her roommate suggested she take her (and then her roomie's big wrote on my little's wall "GRANDLITTLE!", like it was official), but then I found out there were a few girls that legitimately want her and have brought it up. I think for the most part people assume we're not that close because we have really different personalities.

I'm not sure there's anything I can really do about this, but what do you all think? I'm really upset about the whole thing.

Okay, back to the OP. Would having a god-big be a good solution to this problem? Are there events and stuff that you do in families, or other reasons why she would NEED to have a big, instead of just close friendships with other women in the house?

[33girl]

Originally Posted by agzg

Unless you have personal problems with the people doing the potential "poaching" it shouldn't be a problem unless family trees are being rearranged.

That's the point - that's exactly what's happening.

[agzg]

Originally Posted by 33girl

That's the point - that's exactly what's happening.

Where was that said?

[33girl]

Originally Posted by agzg

Where was that said?

Sorry, I should have worded that differently. She really didn't answer that question that I asked her. HOWEVER, if that is the case, as you said, she has the right to be pissed.

[agzg]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Sorry, I should have worded that differently. She really didn't answer that question that I asked her. HOWEVER, if that is the case, as you said, she has the right to be pissed.

Right, but if that's not what's happening, she has no right to be pissed, IMO.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by 33girl

No one's being militant or looking at someone as a trophy. It's about being rejected - not rejected as part of a sorority, rejected as YOU - for reasons like transferring that are beyond your control.

If you wouldn't be deeply hurt by that, I don't know how else to explain it to you.

To say "oh well, she got a new big, you got a new little, everything's hunky dory" is kind of like saying "oh well, you divorced, he got a new wife, you got a new husband, why all the unnecessary pain?" Maybe that's a little much, but a relationship is a relationship.

I think I agreed in both of my posts that this can be painful, but comparing it to a marriage is about as ridiculous as you can get. Seriously! The point I am making is that advocating that she should be petulant and demand that her little sis not be "adopted" or cut her off will in the end ruin a friendship that up to this point she values. This has nothing to do with rejection. It has to do with her little sis finding a support system in her chapter once her big sis transferred (whether or not it was avoidable.) Raggedy Ann got a new little sis at her new chapter to find a way to fit in and find a new support system in her new chapter, which was completely understandable. It was unreasonable that her first little sis objected to that. Why can't we be supportive sisters from a distance and realize that our sisters need support at their chapters when we are gone? Yes, it hurts that they find support from other sisters. Get over it. You have to work harder to keep your relationship going at that point, but it is well worth it. I certainly hope the OP takes my advice and keeps her relationship going with her little, no matter what happens at her old chapter. Not EVERYTHING has to do with her.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

Why can't we be supportive sisters from a distance and realize that our sisters need support at their chapters when we are gone? Yes, it hurts that they find support from other sisters. Get over it.

You're contradicting yourself.

If the specific big/little relationship means as little in the long run as you seem to think, why do they need the "support" of being specifically adopted by someone else? Isn't a chapter full of sisters "support" enough? Isn't the little being "petulant" to want a new big even when she has other family members there to support her?

Let's just say different chapters look at big/little in different ways and let it go at that.

Also, I never saw anything in the OP's post that said she was going to cut her little out of her life. If anything, she seems afraid that the little is going to do that to her.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by 33girl

You're contradicting yourself.

If the specific big/little relationship means as little in the long run as you seem to think, why do they need the "support" of being specifically adopted by someone else? Isn't a chapter full of sisters "support" enough? Isn't the little being "petulant" to want a new big even when she has other family members there to support her?

Let's just say different chapters look at big/little in different ways and let it go at that.

Also, I never saw anything in the OP's post that said she was going to cut her little out of her life. If anything, she seems afraid that the little is going to do that to her.

We all know that in a big chapter, you can get lost in a sea of sisters. Just because you have an extended "family" does not mean that they are close to you or actually lend you support. If they do, great. My whole point is, don't begrudge your Little if she seeks support from another sister. From what the OP wrote, her Little sister isn't seeking out anything, other sisters are seeking her out. Of course, this is all one sided. When I wrote about cutting her little sister out of her life, I was referring to Raggedy Ann's story and warning the OP that this was not a good way to handle the situation.

I think "Big Sis" is a label. I gets overused, and people allow it to hurt their feelings for no reason. It's only natural that her little sis will seek other sisters to make close relationships with once her Big Sis has left the chapter. Does it really matter that much if she calls her Big Sis or Adopted Big Sis or Pseudo Big Sis or God Big Sis? If she still has a good relationship with her original Big Sis, she can have the best of both worlds. There should be no reason to choose. These are not exclusive relationships. It's not a marriage, and she's not CHEATING.

[SunDevilGreek]

So there's a lot going on in this thread, let me make a few things clear.

1. Yes family trees would be rearranged if she took a new big (the ones that are proposing taking her, anyway)

2. She is definitely AGAINST the idea of having a new big, these girls are trying to coerce her into it. Don't get me wrong, they're not banging down her door or anything, but she's sort of the type of person that gets talked into things easily. I'm not angry at her AT ALL for any of this, nor do I actually think she would ever get a new big. I'm upset with the girls that are seriously considering taking her as a little. I mean quite frankly it's just rude.

3. I'm an awesome big. I took her in her freshman year (she's a junior now) and I've helped her through everything (not just initiation) that's come up in her life. Parents, school, boy drama, etc. Now that I'm gone I send her care packages, we talk almost everyday, and I'm flying out for her 21st this winter. I'm honestly doing everything I can to be as good a big as I can be while she's on the other side of the country.

4. Finally, this isn't a possessive thing. My little is my best friend- if she takes another big, that's like breaking the bond that brought us together. I know some people aren't very close with their bigs, and maybe in some chapters the big/little relationship is for initiation mostly. Everyone in my chapter puts a huge emphasis on the big/little relationship, so that's why them moving in on her is so hurtful. BECAUSE IT'S A BIG DEAL.

Thanks so much for all your comments, I needed insight.

[SunDevilGreek]

Can I also just add in reference to the comments that I "left her": That makes it sound like something I did selfishly. I COULDN'T stay (and believe me I wanted to). It was SUPER hard telling her I was leaving, we were both crying. I felt horrible. So yes, I did leave the university, but (like I told her) I'm always 100% there for her, even if I'm not there in person.


PS. I actually like the idea of a God-Big. I'm not sure if she physically needs a big anymore since she's not a new member, but I will ask

[Drolefille]

I don't think that other people should be pressuring her into being 'adopted' into their 'family' but I also don't think her doing so should utterly destroy the foundations of your relationship either.

My two cents. If that

[knight_shadow]

Originally Posted by SunDevilGreek

nor do I actually think she would ever get a new big.

Then there's no issue.

4. Finally, this isn't a possessive thing. My little is my best friend- if she takes another big, that's like breaking the bond that brought us together. I know some people aren't very close with their bigs, and maybe in some chapters the big/little relationship is for initiation mostly. Everyone in my chapter puts a huge emphasis on the big/little relationship, so that's why them moving in on her is so hurtful. BECAUSE IT'S A BIG DEAL.

Thanks so much for all your comments, I needed insight.

Your friendship won't cease to exist because of someone else taking her as a little. Would they forbid her to speak with you? Would they stop you two from seeing each other?

You can still maintain a great relationship without the titles.

[SunDevilGreek]

Originally Posted by knight_shadow

Then there's no issue.



Your friendship won't cease to exist because of someone else taking her as a little. Would they forbid her to speak with you? Would they stop you two from seeing each other?

You can still maintain a great relationship without the titles.

I never said our relationship would "cease to exist". This isn't about that. I'm upset AT THE OTHER GIRLS. The situation INVOLVES my little, but really doesn't have anything to do with her, if that makes sense.

[southbymidwest]

I'm really wondering if your little is being "coerced". Perhaps she is telling you that, but the reality could be that she is sending out mixed signals to all involved. I admit, I am a bit of a cynic.