Sad recruitment story

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by karmelgirl

Thank you Violet. My daughter could be the girl referenced in the link above. The total package, but from the north and going to a "sort of" southern school. Straight A's, very well dressed, articulate, very well liked in her dorm, outgoing, and I know for a fact she had great recs. I was Greek, so she was also a legacy at a top house.
She spent her winter break getting her wardrobe together, writing thank you's to the alums that wrote her recs...etc...

Round 1 15 houses - had fun, liked most

Round 2 cut by 2 houses, so she went to 8 of her top 10 and 2 from the bottom of her list. Pretty good so far.

Now it gets bad...round three, 6 possible houses... and she gets cut from 5 of her top 7, including her legacy house. That leaves 2 houses she loves, and three from the bottom of her list for a total of 5 parties.

Now it is the day to see where you are going for prefs. That morning, she finds out that she didn't make the cast in a campus production she had her heart set on, was totally invested in. It was a really really sad morning. At noon she gets her list. From the 5, the top 3 cut her. She was left with her bottom 2, they had been her bottom 2 all week.

All of her friends did fine. She decided not to go to prefs that night....so she dropped. Between not making the cast and getting cut from all but her bottom 2 houses this confident, beautfiul girl was too sad to make herself go. Who can blame her?

As her mother who is hours away, I am at a loss for what to do....and at a bigger loss to understand how this could have happened. I so want an explanation...was there a mistake of some kind? Who would not want this child?

I understand that this is your daughter that we're talking about and you think she is great.

With that said, as a sorority alumna yourself, I am sure you understand that every sorority has it's own reasons for cutting or pledging someone.

As such, those decisions are private and theirs alone. It's likely that there was no mistake, but just the indivdual chapter's choices, which they are entitled to.

Also, please remember that you were not with her every step of the recruitment process, nor were you in the rooms to witness her interactions with sorority members. It's possible that she is great "on paper" but did not relate well to those chapters.

I understand that she is sad, and you are sad, but she indeed made a choice to drop out.

That is entirely different from going all the way through and not receiving a bid.

She has every right to care whether she's in one of her "top 3," but when you choose to forgo attending your pref parties, you miss out on potentially finding a home. It's part of the process.

I'm sorry she feels that way and that you're sad for her, but that's the way it goes.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by karmelgirl

All of her friends did fine. She decided not to go to prefs that night....so she dropped.

Ok, I'll be the one to ask it...

By all of her friends "doing fine", do you mean they stuck it out and ended up in houses? Or did they make it into the "top tier" houses? Or did they make really great connections with houses that they truly loved for all of the right reasons?

Why did your daughter decide not to go to prefs? Was it because she felt she didn't have a connection with the girls of those chapters, or were the reasons more superficial?

I'm not saying that your daughter dropped out for all of the wrong reasons, or that all of her friends "lucked out", but it's not as though we haven't heard those types of stories before.

And as has been said, you don't know how your daughter communicated and connected with the sisters of the chapters. Maybe she was awkward/shy, and asked weird questions. Or maybe she did everything right, but somehow she just fell short. If this is really what she wants, you can encourage her to go through recrutiment again. But again, don't show her how emotional it is making you. It will only make things worse for her.

[als463]

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

Ok, I'll be the one to ask it...

By all of her friends "doing fine", do you mean they stuck it out and ended up in houses? Or did they make it into the "top tier" houses? Or did they make really great connections with houses that they truly loved for all of the right reasons?

Why did your daughter decide not to go to prefs? Was it because she felt she didn't have a connection with the girls of those chapters, or were the reasons more superficial?

I'm not saying that your daughter dropped out for all of the wrong reasons, or that all of her friends "lucked out", but it's not as though we haven't heard those types of stories before.

And as has been said, you don't know how your daughter communicated and connected with the sisters of the chapters. Maybe she was awkward/shy, and asked weird questions. Or maybe she did everything right, but somehow she just fell short. If this is really what she wants, you can encourage her to go through recrutiment again. But again, don't show her how emotional it is making you. It will only make things worse for her.

I'm going to have to agree with ASTalumna06 on this one. It is unfortunate that she was cut from many of her top choices, but she chose not to give those houses (the 2 that invited her back) a chance. As KSUViolet said, there is a difference between going bidless and dropping out. It may be refreshing to see so many lovely women being nice to you regarding this, but I don't feel sorry for her, at all.

By saying you don't "feel a connection" really means that those chapters are "lower tier" in your book. The same girls that get upset about being discarded after only talking to a handful of sisters have no issues with dismissing a house based on a few sisters they've spoken with, as well.

I've said it before. I'll say it again. All of the 26 NPCs have SOMETHING of value to offer members. Each organization supports some national philanthropy and has their "good" chapters, as well as, their "bad" chapters. In the end, she chose to give up an incredible opportunity that many girls (the girls that actually go bidless) would kill to have.

Also, please keep in mind that just because Southern Chapter USA of XYZ sorority is #1 at Southern State University, doesn't mean it is #1 everywhere. When people tell me they are members of XYZ, I don't look at them and say, "Oh, they were very popular" or "Wow, they sucked" at my university. Instead, I embrace the fact that they are my panhellenic sisters.

[mittens]

Originally Posted by als463

I'm going to have to agree with ASTalumna06 on this one. It is unfortunate that she was cut from many of her top choices, but she chose not to give those houses (the 2 that invited her back) a chance. As KSUViolet said, there is a difference between going bidless and dropping out. It may be refreshing to see so many lovely women being nice to you regarding this, but I don't feel sorry for her, at all.

By saying you don't "feel a connection" really means that those chapters are "lower tier" in your book. The same girls that get upset about being discarded after only talking to a handful of sisters have no issues with dismissing a house based on a few sisters they've spoken with, as well.

I've said it before. I'll say it again. All of the 26 NPCs have SOMETHING of value to offer members. Each organization supports some national philanthropy and has their "good" chapters, as well as, their "bad" chapters. In the end, she chose to give up an incredible opportunity that many girls (the girls that actually go bidless) would kill to have.

Also, please keep in mind that just because Southern Chapter USA of XYZ sorority is #1 at Southern State University, doesn't mean it is #1 everywhere. When people tell me they are members of XYZ, I don't look at them and say, "Oh, they were very popular" or "Wow, they sucked" at my university. Instead, I embrace the fact that they are my panhellenic sisters.

Thank you so much for emphasizing this. When I went through formal recruitment, I can't tell you how many girls in my group was all determined to be an XYZ because they were "top tier." I'm sure if I went else where, as als463 said, that they may not be the "top". This is why the whole "tier" thing is full of crap.

[greekmomjo]

and maybe it wasn't anything against her specifically, they just liked someone else MORE

[mittens]

Originally Posted by karmelgirl

Thank you Violet. My daughter could be the girl referenced in the link above. The total package, but from the north and going to a "sort of" southern school. Straight A's, very well dressed, articulate, very well liked in her dorm, outgoing, and I know for a fact she had great recs. I was Greek, so she was also a legacy at a top house.
She spent her winter break getting her wardrobe together, writing thank you's to the alums that wrote her recs...etc...

Round 1 15 houses - had fun, liked most

Round 2 cut by 2 houses, so she went to 8 of her top 10 and 2 from the bottom of her list. Pretty good so far.

Now it gets bad...round three, 6 possible houses... and she gets cut from 5 of her top 7, including her legacy house. That leaves 2 houses she loves, and three from the bottom of her list for a total of 5 parties.

Now it is the day to see where you are going for prefs. That morning, she finds out that she didn't make the cast in a campus production she had her heart set on, was totally invested in. It was a really really sad morning. At noon she gets her list. From the 5, the top 3 cut her. She was left with her bottom 2, they had been her bottom 2 all week.

All of her friends did fine. She decided not to go to prefs that night....so she dropped. Between not making the cast and getting cut from all but her bottom 2 houses this confident, beautfiul girl was too sad to make herself go. Who can blame her?

As her mother who is hours away, I am at a loss for what to do....and at a bigger loss to understand how this could have happened. I so want an explanation...was there a mistake of some kind? Who would not want this child?

I went through formal recruitment this year and I can say that my sorority was not the top the whole week, in fact they were in the middle the whole time during formal recruitment and another sorority I preffed I ranked very last every day of the week. I was dropped from sororities I thought I made a great connection with and that I can see myself in, but when it came to pref day there was only 2 that wanted me, AOII and "XYZ". XYZ has always been the last on my ranking, but I went to their pref anyway and I had a change of heart. I ended up loving XYZ, but I felt at home with AOII.

Although my experience isn't the same as everyone that went through formal recruitment, I can say that feelings do change after pref day.

Maybe some sororities will end up doing informal recruitment and she can go through rush again when she does feel better.

[karmelgirl]

Yes, I agree that it would have been better to go to the 2 parties she was invited back to, but between the disappointment on her invitation list and the huge disappointment earlier in the day she could just not get the tears to stop flowing.

I guess I am looking for someone to tell me she is not alone, this happens more then you know. I just have never really heard of this happening before. I never considered this to be a possibility and neither did she. Is this as rare as I think it is, or is it common, or is the reality somewhere in the middle?

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by karmelgirl

I guess I am looking for someone to tell me she is not alone, this happens more then you know. I just have never really heard of this happening before. I never considered this to be a possibility and neither did she. Is this as rare as I think it is, or is it common, or is the reality somewhere in the middle?

Not a rarity. It definitely happens. Not every girl gets invited back to her top choices all the time. Most girls will end up with a BID at the end, but that does not mean they didn't experience cuts at some point in the process. More often than not, you're going to get cut by someone before it's over.

[phimusam]

On the member side, members almost always look at which PNMs they want the most and hardly ever think about who they don't want. Therefore, few should ever feel rejected. Just make sure that your daughter knows that you love her and that you are sad she is disappointed about the theatre and the sororities but that you are not disappointed in her.

[ree-Xi]

I hate to say this, but if she stuck it out, she might be happily hanging out with her new sisters. I'm sorry for her disappointment, but there is nothing I can say to someone who DID NOT FOLLOW THROUGH.

Two chapters WANTED HER. What was so awful about they that they didn't warrant the respect of accepting an invitation to Preference? Look at it from the other side - I can guarantee there were some girls really disappointed that your daughter didn't even give it a try.

All she can do is try again next semester if there is informal recruitment, or try again next year. But really, not attending Pref is kind of a slap in the face.

[FSUZeta]

actually the pnm might be able to participate in cob activities right now, in the event that some sororities are not at total(or did not pledge quota). even if the only ones able to cob are the two chapters that invited your daughter to pref. it might be worth her while to give them another shot. some groups who might not shine during formal recruitment, do shine in an informal setting.

she should check with the greek life office.

[turqwind]

This sounds almost like my daughter's experience with the exception that she had a happy ending. She grew up going to Mother-Daughter Christmas teas, sitting on my lap when I was a chapter advisor, etc. I told her going through recruitment, whether and where she joined was her choice. She got cut by my chapter after one invitation and her other favorite group that her teacher had written a wonderful rec to on the same day. She was ready to drop out. I told her that was her choice, but other groups were interested in her and she needed to look forward rather than backward. She liked her other female relative's group even though the tent talk was negative about them. She told me, "Other girls talk mean about them, but I like them and they have been nice to me." She took her brutal cuts at the first of the week and ended up with a full schedule the last two days. She had a tough choice on the last day, but joined a nice group of girls she fits with and who like her. She would have found a nice home with her other pref group, too. So, keep an open mind and don't listen to tent talk. Don't take "Why Your Daughter..." too close to heart. While it may be true, some "top tier" groups know who they want before recruitment starts. If you have 100 girls in a chapter and quota is 50, it is pretty rough knowing that every member might have a cousin, neighbor, boyfriend's little sister, younger friend from high school, etc. coming through that they are fighting for. The only feedback I got from another group (unsolicited) was, "We really liked her, but figured she would go (my group)." Some groups, some campuses go after legacies, others "gun" for them.

[gee_ess]

karmelgirl- I understand what you are saying. I hope you will encourage your daughter to consider COB, if they have it on her campus. It sounds like she may be regretting her rash decision to drop out of recruitment without attending pref, and believe me, she would not be the first to have that regret.

I have read your posts and I do not see anywhere a comment that is casting blame or claiming mistreatment. You are just expressing the disappointment that you feel about a situation gone wrong.

As a member of a Greek organization, you have the ability to see both sides of the situation and either way, it is painful. To know that group(s) rejected your daughter -you've been through membership selection and know the ins and outs of that - plus, to know your daughter did not attend the last parties - and effectively cut her limited choices to nil - are both hard to accept.

If you will be patient and skim the recruitment stories, you may find some insight from women who experienced what your daughter did, then came back and pledged later.

Either way, now is the time to help your daughter learn and accept a tough life lesson. As a mother of a two college daughters, it certainly seems to be a period of life where they learn some biggies!

[agzg]

I'm more sorry that your daughter didn't get cast in the play. That makes the theatre geek in me really, really sad.

Unfortunately, it seems like she had a whole lotta rejectment all in one day.

Is informal recruitment an option at her school?

[karmelgirl]

Thanks all....I think they have informal in the fall
but only a few houses participate....based on house quota I think. It might be an option. After things quiet down I will check. Her roommate is pledging also, so that is not making it easier, although thankfully they have a great relationship.