mistreated by my sorority? - Page 2

DoctorD · #16 02-07-2009, 10:53 PM

Responding to your post by talking about my own experience:

a turning point for me was when I started making the effort to get to know the sisters. I tend to sit back and absorb what is happening around me rather than jump right in. I remember when I was a "pledge" that I was hanging out with a guy who was pledging a fraternity and I wondered out loud what I should do that evening and he said, "Why don't you go to the sorority house?" And I did - I started going over there whenever I had free time and just hanging out in different girls' rooms. And since I was there, people started asking me to do things - help with homecoming, go get dessert, etc.

My taking the initiative led to officer positions, including chapter president.

When I became a sister-mother, I treated my sister-daughter the way that I wanted to be treated. Don't get me wrong - I am still friends with my sister-mother to this day, but the match was not perfect.

All of this to say - your sorority experience is what YOU make out of it - not the presents that people buy, but the relationships that you forge. Not everyone is super outgoing, many are insecure themselves, and just don't know how to make that first step.

So my advice, fwiw, is to really make an effort to become involved, and then work to treat others in the manner that you would have preferred. You could change the sorority experience for a number of women just by doing so.

Maybe that's not what you thought you were getting into when you joined the sorority, but wow - what a golden opportunity you have right now.

ggforever · #17 02-07-2009, 11:44 PM

It is time to stop being a victim and put forth some effort. If you have a house, there will be some television program that most of the girls will gather to watch on a regular basis. Go over to the house on that night and introduce yourself; then relax and enjoy the show. Stay afterward when the program ends and mingle. If your school has a basketball team, try to join/gather a group of sisters and new members for the game. There are many ways for you to start forging a bond.

There were obviously enough women who wanted you as a sister to extend a bid. However, unless it is a really small chapter, you have met only a small number of sisters. You need to take responsibility here and make sure you go to events, dinners, socials and just casual get-togethers to get to know others in the chapter.

Stop waiting for members to come to you. You have to be approachable. If the recruitment is as competitive as you say, waiting a year may not be an option for you. Your decision will be whether you want to be part of a sisterhood or not.

APhiAnna · #18 02-08-2009, 02:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ggforever

It is time to stop being a victim and put forth some effort. If you have a house, there will be some television program that most of the girls will gather to watch on a regular basis. Go over to the house on that night and introduce yourself; then relax and enjoy the show. Stay afterward when the program ends and mingle.

SO TRUE. Really. For my chapter, Gossip Girl and Lost are HUGE, to the point where it would be impossible for a sister to stop by and have people be like, "What is she doing here?". When I was a pledge, Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy were THE things to watch, and any pledge that watched them at the house made so many friends just because they had so many members to talk obsessively about those shows with! Get a feel for what those programs are (and believe me, I think it's Gossip Girl for 95% of the chapters of ANY sorority in America right now) and just show up! I promise it won't be awkward and there will be a bunch of sisters watching.

#19 02-08-2009, 03:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by APhiAnna

SO TRUE. Really. For my chapter, Gossip Girl and Lost are HUGE, to the point where it would be impossible for a sister to stop by and have people be like, "What is she doing here?". When I was a pledge, Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy were THE things to watch, and any pledge that watched them at the house made so many friends just because they had so many members to talk obsessively about those shows with! Get a feel for what those programs are (and believe me, I think it's Gossip Girl for 95% of the chapters of ANY sorority in America right now) and just show up! I promise it won't be awkward and there will be a bunch of sisters watching.

When I was in chapter, it was all about Friends and Will and Grace. Those were our bonding TV shows.

ASTalumna06 · #20 02-08-2009, 03:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimmy Choo

Just my two cents....depending on how big your chapter is they may have no clue who you are. Take the time to re-introduce yourself. Don't take everything as a slight b/c chances are it isn't.

Exactly what I was thinking.

One semester, for personal reasons, I wasn't able to make it to two recruitment events, and one of our new members had only gone to those two events. I went to the first new member ceremony, but I had to leave immediately afterward.

About a week later, I was walking to class and this girl was waving, and I thought she was waving at me, but I wasn't sure. I waved back, but I probably had a look on my face that said "who the hell is this girl?" She looked familiar but I couldn't place her. An hour or so later, I realized she was a new member, and I felt terrible about it. And I come from a very small chapter.

It sounds like you're from a larger chapter. Maybe these girls don't know who you are. Or maybe they were distracted. I know that whenever I walked around campus, I was basically in a daze.. especially if I had a test or presentation to do. Some of my best friends would walk by me and have to yell my name for me to pay attention.

And agreeing with everyone else here... get to know the older sisters, and don't just expect them to come to you. Remember, these girls were friends long before you came along. Not to say that you should all be friends according to new member classes, but randomly inviting new people out doesn't always happen automatically.

You said that the sisters seemed more friendly during recruitment. This seems obvious to me (not that they're not friendly now, but they're not in that, "Oh my god, it's so great to meet you! What's your major? That's awesome!" kind of phase). People say that conversation is hard to come by during recruitment, but a lot of times, I found it more difficult to talk to girls once they became new members. You can't really fall back on those easy questions anymore. Find out what an older sister likes, and try starting a conversation with her from that.

And you like the other new members. Hang out with them! And remember that the next class that comes in will be partially chosen by you. Make friends with them.

And another suggestion: I know of a chapter that has a "welcoming committee" so to speak. It's their responsibility to make the new members feel welcome, to invite them places, and to get them involved and acclimated to the sorority. Maybe next semester you could suggest forming one of these committees within your chapter.

KSUViolet06 · #21 02-08-2009, 04:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OTW

When I was in chapter, it was all about Friends and Will and Grace. Those were our bonding TV shows.

Aww.

I'm a fairly recent alumna so for us it was usually Grey's or One Tree Hill.

I didn't even LIKE those 2 shows, but I hung out in the TV room with girls anyway just so I could get to know the NMs.

pinkyphimu · #22 02-08-2009, 10:16 AM

There is plenty of good advice here. When I was in college, we had 2 friends join together. They were both pretty shy and kept to themselves. At meetings and events, they always sat just slightly away from the group. They always attended things, but managed to stay to themselves. Our exec board even tried to meet with them to make sure things were ok and to see what we could do to help them become more comfortable. Nothing helped. They stayed through graduation, but they are not active in alumnae groups. If you asked them about their collegiate days, they will tell you it was miserable and a waste. Don't be those people. Make an effort to get to know other pledge sisters and those around you.

FSUZeta · #23 02-08-2009, 11:24 AM

one of the positives that i read in your post is that you HAVE bonded with your pledge class. that is such a gift-your pledgesisters will be with you thruout your college career-the older girls are going to graduate and most likely move away. cherish your pledgesister friendships.

next year, if you feel the that the chapter truly falls a little short in their ability to make the new members feel welcome and wanted, then you be the change.

icelandelf · #24 02-08-2009, 02:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by edhardy88

Exactly! Out of all our chapters - note that my school is very gossipy so everyone knows every one else's business, including the entirety of other sorority pledge classes! - my pc is by far my favorite, and i know rushing again and being with all freshmen would not be as fun!

Just an observation, then--if your school is very gossipy, the other groups may already know your thoughts about 'feeling neglected' or the 'meanest and most rude girl in the school.' I would be cautious about how much you say to others about some of the things you're unhappy about. Word can get back to the home group quickly and instead of producing more positive results, end up causing you to became stigmatized.

preciousjeni · #25 02-08-2009, 03:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by icelandelf

Just an observation, then--if your school is very gossipy, the other groups may already know your thoughts about 'feeling neglected' or the 'meanest and most rude girl in the school.' I would be cautious about how much you say to others about some of the things you're unhappy about. Word can get back to the home group quickly and instead of producing more positive results, end up causing you to became stigmatized.

EXACTLY my thoughts. A little discretion is in order here.

preciousjeni · #26 02-08-2009, 03:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by edhardy88

I feel like for the position I'm in, I've put myself out there and dealt with a lot of rejection from within the chapter.

So, you haven't bonded with everyone after a few weeks together? I find that incredibly surprising.

Quote:

bland girls in my pledge class (overall, based on how they act in other aspects of life) are the ones having the best experience.

Based on this comment alone, I do not want to be your friend. Bitchtastic!

Jimmy Choo · #27 02-08-2009, 03:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by edhardy88

It's hard though because I see sisters and they don't introduce themselves to me or say hi, so it put me in that awkward position of being creepy and knowing them or being the bitch who forgot someones name after 10 introductions.

You have to keep putting yourself out there. It's just the way it is. I advise 200 girls. I've told them I hope to learn all their names but i may not. I still say hi to them every week at chapter and make an effort to get to know them. Heck, I've got over 30 officers and I'm still trying to remember all of them. You have to be confident and just put yourself out there.

sailboatgirl · #28 02-08-2009, 03:23 PM

It sounds as if you've been paired with an older mentor sister who is either not the best fit for you or who is a bit of a flake (that's not the exact word that I'm searching for, but I can't think of anything else). Have you considered talking to your New Member Educator about this?

icelandelf · #29 02-08-2009, 03:32 PM

Your question

Quote:

Originally Posted by sailboatgirl

It sounds as if you've been paired with an older mentor sister who is either not the best fit for you or who is a bit of a flake (that's not the exact word that I'm searching for, but I can't think of anything else). Have you considered talking to your New Member Educator about this?

Her answer, first post

Quote:

Originally Posted by edhardy88

.... I have spoken with our new member educator who seemed concerned but was not too helpful. I don;t want to drop because my pledge class is amazing for the most part but I feel like I have not gotten a real sorority experience, and that the grass might not be greener if I rush again (Or i might not even get a bid!)
Any advice/experience with this?

(bold and italicized mine)

ASTalumna06 · #30 02-08-2009, 04:11 PM

Try gaining friendships through other organizations. My chapter, while small, has always had one or two other organizations in which a good portion of the sisters were also involved in. Try finding that org. and join. Or find an intramural sport you'd want to play, and ask sisters to be on the team.

And again, remember... there will probably be a good number of girls graduating in a few months. If you like your pledge class, just hang out with them. I know of some girls in my chapter who would only hang out with their little, or two girls from their new member class, or the sisters they had as roommates. And keep in mind that it won't be too long before you're not the "babies" anymore, and the new member class below you will be looking to you to be their friend.