I need advice and help. Have no idea where to put this.

[AnotherKD]

That sucks that you don't have a house or a suite to go to. I completely agree with everyone above, and here are a few other things you can maybe do. See if anyone is interested in having a mini-pledge class war with silly games, or a scavenger hunt, or see if 5-6 of you want to eat lunch together, like the poster above said. Sure, not everyone will want to do it or will be able to make it due to other obligations, but I know that there must be some that will. See if your sorority, or your pledge class, wants to order the same kind of shirt with maybe really awesome letters, or even a set of scrubs with your letters/crest on them. See if anyone wants to go on a little road trip over a weekend. These things are pretty simple, but maybe someone else could come up with something a bit more outside-of-the-box.

[AZTheta]

lala2005,

Really solid advice so far in this thread. Perhaps your perception is something that needs to be slightly adjusted? I was NOT friends with everyone in my sorority when I was an active. I am an advisor now and what I see is this:

There are a few members who have the gift of appearing to be "friends" with everyone. They are outgoing, bubbly, easy conversationalists, and constantly on the move. They are People Magnets. Even I want to spend time with them when I'm at the house for one reason or another. Why? These young women are fun and make others laugh. I've not heard anyone sniping at them behind their backs (and believe me, I hear enough of that at times - hey, we're human and not perfect).

But the majority of the members are more quiet and reserved. They have their friendships within the chapter, and they are all involved in other activities outside the chapter.

One thing that the chapter does share is a commitment to sisterhood events and other events. I instituted a "practice" at Chapter meetings: I asked the actives to discuss proposed events and vote on a) willingness to support the event and b) approval of events. The change in the chapter has been amazing. The chapter as a whole now feels involved in the decision making, as opposed to "top down" decisions from Exec. AND there's been a corresponding increase in participation.

Scheduling events is key - timing is everything. You can plan the best event ever and have close to zero participation if the timing's not right.

Let me know if you'd like some ideas about sisterhood events. AND there are some great threads about sisterhood already existing on GreekChat - happy searching.

I have confidence that you're going to make a difference, because you care.

[33girl]

I totally agree w/ ree's post on the boyfriend thing. You don't want to be that sister with the boyfriend who never does anything without him. If he's there and he can't/doesn't want to go out, do what was mentioned before and spend part of the night with your sisters, part with him. If it's a long distance thing, you need to tell him that you're going to be going out and having fun. Sitting at home by yourself is NOT going to strengthen your relationship.

[lala2005]

Originally Posted by ree-Xi

Huge red flag. You feel guilty going out without your boyfriend? Does he do stuff without you? When you are apart, are you always talking about him or calling or sending him texts? Does your boyfriend demand all your time, or do you put these demands on yourself?

Your sisters may "say" it's okay with them, but honey, no 18-22 year old needs to be tying themselves down with a boy. He may be the love of your life, but if "he's the one", you have the rest of your life to spend with him. You have only a few years to be a "college kid" and an active collegiate sorority member. I am afraid that you may regret keeping yourself in your tiny bubble, and end up resenting him because you feel guilty when he's not around.

You can go out with your sisters and have fun. If you don't want to drink, don't. Y It's not cheating to socialize with people, even other boys. Do you have any male friends? Do you talk to other boys in class?

I think you are bringing a lot of this on yourself. This screams co-dependence to me. It's not healthy, and a lot of women (especially younger women) think that they can't/shouldn't "exist" without a/THE man by her side.

As for the party reputation, low sisterhood participating, and lower grades, get on a committee or run for office in the areas you want to improve. DubaiSis said it right - BE the change (or was that Bruce Almighty?). Your first change is taking off the shackles you've put on yourself. Step two is feeling strongly enough about something to make changes and DOING something about it.

Okay I do a lot of things without him with the exception of parties/clubs like that, and no he doesn't do stuff like that without me. When we are apart I don't talk about him unless people ask and I don't call him unless I'm alone at home. I do send him texts a lot but stop if I'm hanging out with people. And no my boyfriend does not demand me all the time.
But it's hard to explain, I knew no one on here would understand. Honestly i have no idea how further i can explain myself besides saying I don't think it's respectful to our relationship. And it's not like I don't go to anything because of him haha, that's like the only thing I don't go to.
Haha and I do have male friends but I really don't talk to anyone in class period, I'm a quiet person.....

[lala2005]

And just to reiterate, I do a lot of things without him. I only see him a couple days a week, so the rest of the week I am on my own with friends doing different things! Hahaha days of parties I'm not sitting at home by myself...I'm still doing something! Haha

[33girl]

It's not disrespectful to go out with a bunch of female friends and have fun. It's not an orgy, it's a party. If guys approach you and hit on you, just say "I'm sorry, but I have a boyfriend."

Trust us older and wiser peeps - if you both cut yourself off from doing fun social things, you are both going to be miserable.

[ree-Xi]

Originally Posted by lala2005

Okay I do a lot of things without him with the exception of parties/clubs like that, and no he doesn't do stuff like that without me. When we are apart I don't talk about him unless people ask and I don't call him unless I'm alone at home. I do send him texts a lot but stop if I'm hanging out with people. And no my boyfriend does not demand me all the time.
But it's hard to explain, I knew no one on here would understand. Honestly i have no idea how further i can explain myself besides saying I don't think it's respectful to our relationship. And it's not like I don't go to anything because of him haha, that's like the only thing I don't go to.
Haha and I do have male friends but I really don't talk to anyone in class period, I'm a quiet person.....

Why don't you do things socially apart? How is that not respectful? I knew couples like this, and they more often than not, they grew to resent one another and broke up, only to find that they didn't have any other friends left.

As for people not understanding, I do understand. I had a serious boyfriend in college but I would have gone insane had I not had my own social outlets. Even as a married woman, my husband and I have taken trips without the other, for both business and pleasure. We go out socially with our own friends sometimes. There is nothing wrong with it.

[DubaiSis]

I'll bet you every one of us "older" gals can tell you stories of THAT girl in the house who nobody knew, until one day the boyfriend dumps her out of the blue and she's stuck living in a house (I realize this isn't your exact problem) with a bunch of girls she hardly knows and has to start from scratch.

Go make 1 friend in the chapter. Go to lunch, go skating, whatever you want to do. Maybe add 1 "new" girl to the mix the next time. If your response is "I already have SOME friends in the chapter," then I think your problem might be confusing real life with TV. Sorority life isn't all pillow fights and candle-passings. pooping rainbows comes to mind. HA!

[lala2005]

I go to parties with my best friends and without him, it's frat parties and clubs I don't like going without him... haha is that still bad?

I understand what all of you guys are saying and I'll make changes......honestly, I don't really know why I feel like it's disrespectful to go to frat parties without him.. I just feel like I'm hurting his feelings I guess... as for clubs everyone always dances with guys they don't know and i think that's disrespectful to do since I have a boyfriend.

And he hangs out with his friends almost everyday... hahha
as for me, I hang out with my best friends when I'm at my dads, and when I'm at my mom's, since I've only lived in that city for a year I don't have anyone to hang out there. I usually do something with my sorority since we have a ton of meetings.. that's why I want to get to connect well with my sisters so I'll have great girlfriends to hangout with when I'm at my mom's

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by lala2005

Okay I do a lot of things without him with the exception of parties/clubs like that, and no he doesn't do stuff like that without me.

Originally Posted by 33girl

Trust us older and wiser peeps - if you both cut yourself off from doing fun social things, you are both going to be miserable.

As one of the older and wiser peeps . . . well, older anyway . . . and as a guy, I agree completely. If he has a problem with you going to a party or club without him, the problem is not the party or the club. And if he doesn't have a problem with it, why make it a problem for you? There's nothing at all disrespectful about it.

Maybe I'm way off, but it seems like you might be missing out on bonding experiences with your sisters and then blaming the lack of a bond on defects in your chapter compared to the chapter-that-might-have-been.

Originally Posted by lala2005

I go to parties with my best friends and without him, it's frat parties and clubs I don't like going without him... haha is that still bad?

I think so. It's only disrespectful if you go to parties and act like you don't have a boyfriend.

[lala2005]

Yeah I understand. He trusts me completely and doesn't have a problem with it. I guess I just worry too much, I don't want to hurt him amd I don't want him to think I favor fraternity guys over him. I'll start going to frat parties if my sisters are going soon, but I still won't go to a club without him hahhaa I don't think I'll ever change my stance on that haha

[angels&angles]

I realize that when you go to a club or a frat party and see what looks like everyone grinding on random dudes, it can be intimidating and frustrating. Try to find some other attached and/or more reserved girls and all of you guys dance in a group. If guys come up and try to dance with you, just tell them (politely) that you're not interested. Agree that you'll all run interference for each other with the pushy ones.

I've found that the girls NOT looking for a guy to hook up with can actually have a lot more fun because there's not always that pressure to look sexy and desirable. I am the world's goofiest dancer, but I don't care if I'm just hanging out with my friends, and not worrying about whether someone wants to get with me.

Alternatively, offer to be the sober sister/sober driver for any frat party or club outings. This will get you lots of gratitude, some good stories, and sometimes some hilarious drunken bonding. You will also meet some different girls in the sorority if you have to DD for them. And you have a really good reason not to get wasted/start boogie-ing.

[lala2005]

Originally Posted by angels&angles

I realize that when you go to a club or a frat party and see what looks like everyone grinding on random dudes, it can be intimidating and frustrating. Try to find some other attached and/or more reserved girls and all of you guys dance in a group. If guys come up and try to dance with you, just tell them (politely) that you're not interested. Agree that you'll all run interference for each other with the pushy ones.

I've found that the girls NOT looking for a guy to hook up with can actually have a lot more fun because there's not always that pressure to look sexy and desirable. I am the world's goofiest dancer, but I don't care if I'm just hanging out with my friends, and not worrying about whether someone wants to get with me.

Alternatively, offer to be the sober sister/sober driver for any frat party or club outings. This will get you lots of gratitude, some good stories, and sometimes some hilarious drunken bonding. You will also meet some different girls in the sorority if you have to DD for them. And you have a really good reason not to get wasted/start boogie-ing.

Wow that helps a lot. thank you so so so much!!! And yeah I will from now on. I'm taking my driving test today so I'll be able to do that.
That was another factor that made me couldn't go to a lot of events. Not having a license! Luckily I'm getting it today so I'll be able to go to most! Haha

[agzg]

When I was starting Grad School I felt bad when I'd go out to bars and my boyfriend (still in undergrad, 2 hours away) wasn't there. I got over it quickly, and although that relationship ended I still had a fabulous time during my first year.

Now I live with my boyfriend and believe me I feel ABSOLUTELY NO GUILT about going to parties/bars/clubs without him - love him to pieces but social environments without him there are super fun, too!

You don't have to go to EVERY party - I know you feel like it's disrespectful but unless "frat party" stands for orgy on your campus, if you go with your sisters/friends who are respectful that you have a boyfriend you might end up having a good time. "Every so often" rather than "every night" is what keeps it (at least, in my opinion) on the respectful side.

Clubs are a little bit of a different environment, what with the dancing (and I'm guessing you're under 21 since you didn't mention bars) and lack of much else to do.

Initiating events and fun things to do yourself is a good idea. Also, if you go to the gym on campus, ask a sister to come with you. Yoga classes with a friend are also very fun.

[lala2005]

Oh great I'm so happy you can relate somewhat Thank you thank you thank you! Every bit of your advice helped!