I need serious advice on my relationship

[sjsoffer]

I live with my boyfriend and another guy, who used to be his best friend and also a good friend of mine. TERRIBLE idea! My boyfriend and I don't even really speak to our roommate/ex friend anymore and it's just a really strained situation. Living with my boyfriend has been one of the best things for our relationship, but having the extra person just makes living in this apartment stressful!

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by sjsoffer

I live with my boyfriend and another guy, who used to be his best friend and also a good friend of mine. TERRIBLE idea! My boyfriend and I don't even really speak to our roommate/ex friend anymore and it's just a really strained situation. Living with my boyfriend has been one of the best things for our relationship, but having the extra person just makes living in this apartment stressful!

So he's still living with you two? You two should leave and get another place. The hell with the friend guy, especially if he's being an ass.

[sjsoffer]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

So he's still living with you two? You two should leave and get another place. The hell with the friend guy, especially if he's being an ass.

Our lease with him ends in May, and we're so excited about it He's so bad at taking care of himself he's moving back in with his parents.

[honeychile]

I don't see any way that this could be a good thing for you. For the two guys, sure, but I think I know who would be expected to cook, clean, and keep the apartment clean, even though they say otherwise.

And what if the brother decides he doesn't like you anymore? How nasty could that become?

If you can at all afford it, go for your own place, or even get a roomie you don't know as well. This situation has disaster written all over it!

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by honeychile

I don't see any way that this could be a good thing for you. For the two guys, sure, but I think I know who would be expected to cook, clean, and keep the apartment clean, even though they say otherwise.

She would be pretty stupid to do that.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by sjsoffer

Our lease with him ends in May, and we're so excited about it He's so bad at taking care of himself he's moving back in with his parents.

lol He sounds like a major loser.

[honeychile]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

She would be pretty stupid to do that.

Of course she would. But what the guys would think is another story.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

Just so the mods know. I'm not a troll, I'm a real serious person. I post on here quite often, sometimes daily under my normal user name. I just don't want my user name to be associated with this thread. Thanks for understanding.

My boyfriend and I have been together for about three years, pretty much all through college. He graduated last year, and wants me to move in with him after I graduate from college this year. He's working on his masters right now, which will also be my future plans. We both think it would be a great idea to move in together to save on rent and other living expenses. He's a great guy, and I know he's the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with, but we want to wait until we're all done with school before we get married.

Seems simple, but here's where the problem comes in. He has a fraternity brother he already rooms with, but he wants me to move in too, because the rent would be less for me. I've met his friend a few times, and he seems to be really nice, but I think I would feel kind of awkward living with two guys. My question is do you guys think I should move in after graduation, or do you think it's a bad move? Do any of you live with your significant others? What's it like?

I'm posting this on here because over the years that I've posted on greekchat, I've seen great advice given.

Thanks.

Yes, it is a bad move. A lot of couples are doing this, and people have their own reasons for living together, rather it may be because everyone is doing it, or because the couple may think that living together is a step toward marriage, we're in a committed relationship, living together is a trial marriage, we can't afford to live alone, we love each other so it's o.k. or the fact that a lot of couples think marriage is just a piece of paper. The bottom line, all are the wrong reasons for cohabitation.

Gretchen, what you have to realize is what you're thinking about doing may seem attractive on the outset, but once reality sets in, you could possibly destroy a great relationship. I understand you say you're getting married, but the fact of the matter is you're not married, and if you move in with him, you may not even make it to the isle.

There is no committment through cohabitation. The only true committment comes when a man and a woman take the vows of marriage, marrying for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, til death do us part. I know it seems logical to have a trial marriage, by testing the waters before tying the knot, but this will only make the both of you comfortable with the situation, and you won't marry.

I'm sure you have a great guy like you've stated, but watch out for some of these men. He asked you to move in with him, and I'm not sure of the whole reason behind that, because I can only go off of what you posted. I'm telling you to be cautious, because with a lot of men, they can get sex more easily than in times past. Like DSTCHAOS said, if you give him free milk, why would he buy the cow?

See, men can enjoy the benefits of having a wife by cohabiting rather than marrying. A lot of men like the convenience of an easily available sex partner and the economies of shared living. They believe living together is a way to avoid an unhappy marriage and eventual divorce. They seem to think this is the only way to test compatibility for marriage and it's not. Also, a lot of men like to have their girls move in with them, because they want to avoid divorce and it's financial risks. They feel their assets are better protected if they cohabit rather than marry. Because they think an x-wife will take them for all they've got, they fear marriage will require too many changes and compromises, and these days a lot of men have become accustomed to their own space and routines and resent women who try to change them.

The sad thing about reading some of the posts that I've read is these days a lot of men and women face few social pressures to marry. Traditional pressures from the church, society and parents have pretty much evaporated.

Lastly, I want to talk about this buddy of his living there too. First of all don't move in at all, but I'm sure this is going to go in one ear and out the other so if you do move in, his buddy has got to go. Remember his buddy has other friends, who may occasionally come over to visit. In a relationship, men and women have different emotional needs, and often times they fail to meet these needs. What results from this is cheating and it usually begins with a friend of the opposite sex who just so happens to meet these needs temporarily. When a man is not meeting a woman's emotional needs, she may begin sharing her problems with another man, and he'll begin sharing his problems with her. Usually for the cheating to start, she has to see this joker quite often, rather it be at work or in your case his buddy or his buddy's buddies. As your friendship deepens, you may start giving each other mutual support and encouragement, especially in regards to your needs being unmet. Also, remember cheating is not necessarily based on physical attraction, because the attraction here is emotional, because an unfulfilled need has not been met. So just remember your relationship isn't always going to be cool, things happen, and a lot of times it's based on needs not being met, and this is not based on being selfish, but because of ignorance.

Sorry so long here, but do what you feel is important to you. You really should concentrate on your education, while at the same time being the best woman you can be with the resources you have to your s/o, but you don't have to move in with him to do this. Good luck to you.

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by christiangirl

I totally agree. The finances alone could ruin it for you. What if something happens with one of your financial sitches and rent ends up being shaky for a month? Two months? Think of the fights that could cause. What if you two get into a fight? That could put the other guy in an uncomfortable sitch and he'll be forced to choose sides and we all know he won't choose you. He could be uncomfortable period--you and your bf have been together for a long time. This would be a good test of what it would be like for the two of you to see what marriage would be like...learning to work together and deal with each other's habits. But throwing another guy into the mix takes all that away and complicates everything. I, personally, wouldn't do it, but I wish you best on what you decide.

Judge Joe Brown episode waiting to happen.

Cohabitation either ends WELL or BAD. There's rarely an in between or people who say "eh...it was OKAY...it was what it was...no animosity or love lost...we shook hands in the end."

Adding another roomie to the mix makes the chances more fuzzy. Even if it was another female.

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

I would hate to see what the bathroom looks like. Gross!

Some men are obsessively clean.

If he's not one of them, she knows what to look forward to if they ever get married. Corn chips and butt crumbs all over. Gross.

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by DSTCHAOS

Judge Joe Brown episode waiting to happen. .

Awww dang, you took it there.

Originally Posted by DSTCHAOS

Some men are obsessively clean.

I was going to point that out. I took a trip to Morehouse many years ago and was shocked at how clean and fresh-smelling that dorm was. It was like a Pine-Sol commercial.

Originally Posted by DSTCHAOS

Corn chips and butt crumbs all over. Gross.

What, pray tell, is a "butt crumb?"

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by DSTCHAOS

If he's not one of them, she knows what to look forward to if they ever get married. Corn chips and butt crumbs all over. Gross.

lol lol lol

I hope for her sake that it isn't him. That would be disgusting being married to or in a relationship with a pig.

[33girl]

If it was a question of the friend having to stay with you for 2-3 weeks till he found another place, I don't think it would be a problem. But as a long term arrangement? No way.

My ex lived with a guy/girl couple with no serious repercussions, but then again 1) he's really good at emotionally removing himself from situations like that and just kind of turning his head to the whole thing 2) they were all a bunch of damn hippies. LOL.

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by christiangirl

What, pray tell, is a "butt crumb?"

I guess a crumb from a dirty dude's butt. Don't think too much on it.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by DSTCHAOS

I guess a crumb from a dirty dude's butt. Don't think too much on it.

OMG!!! lol lol lol lol

[cheerfulgreek]

I have tears in my eyes from laughing at what this conversation has turned into. It's gone from talking about living together to butt crumbs? SO GROSS!!! lol lol!!!