Do you like his friends?/Do you like her friends?

[DubaiSis]

First, regarding clubs, I firmly believe once you have a significant other (more than a girl you "just date") you are done going to the clubs without her. You go to clubs to meet girls and if you're hanging out with your buddies you can do it somewhere you can talk at a less then ear-splitting level and not where the girls are partially clothed, even if it is just a nightclub and not a strip joint. That's just the way it is. You are inviting trouble going to these places without her and you should know that. And if your buddies are dragging you out to places you don't need to be, that would be a pretty good reason to not like them, although in reality she should be aiming her anger at you.

Now regarding getting along with your SO's friends, in my marriage my husband tends to like my friends, but not some of their husbands and that's a huge bummer. Thankfully here so many of the husbands travel that it's not unusual to go to dinner or whatever with 1/2 of a couple, but for parties, social events, etc. it really sucks to not be able to hang with both parts of a couple. However, it's one of the compromises you make to keep a marriage happy. And I've got WAY more friends than he does, so I don't really have to worry about the reverse. We'll see if that stays true once we move back to his childhood home.

[Senusret I]

Originally Posted by pshsx1

SN: Yes, this was all about you, Sen. <3

Hmph. I was bout ta say!

[IrishLake]

I2K, you gotta stop drunk posting. Or if you are, at least make a whole lot of typos so we KNOW you're drunk and we can just tell you to go sleep it off. :P

[DubaiSis]

Or better yet, lead off with an I'm drunk caveat.

[SydneyK]

Originally Posted by I2K Beta Mu

I was drunk as hell when I typed that shit you. I owe you an apology. My bad.

Accepted.
We gettin' along now?

[AlphaFrog]

Not liking his friends (and family) would be a huge deal-breaker. Birds of a feather, apple from tree - all that. Luckily, I LOVE my in-laws and they love me. My huband's the one with the bat-shit crazy mother-in-law. I'm just glad I grew up spending most of my time with my dad's side of the family while my mom & dad ran the family business.


Sidenote: I remember one time getting off the phone with my mother and yelling that she was crazy. My husband was appalled, you don't do that in his culture, and chastised me for talking bad about her. However, after his first time meeting her, he looks at me and says, "Wow, your mom is crazy.". Told ya so.

[WCsweet<3]

Originally Posted by I2K Beta Mu

On the flip side of that. What about family? Do y'all get along with your significant other's family? Do they like him/her? I don't know my girl's family all that well. I met her mom and her sister. I haven't met her pop's yet. They seem to be pretty cool, and she hasn't told me they have issues with me, just her friends trip like that. My mom is easy going as hell with the females I've brought to the crib. I don't think I've ever brought a female home she started trippin about.

I like most of his friends. Some are "fratty" and yes I do mean that in the stereotypical uncomplimentary way. However, he needs to have that every once in a while and understands that if he tries to pull any of that misogynistic shit in front of me, he will get a ear (and then some) full. Still there are only a few of his friends I don't get along with. As for my friends, he in general likes them. He wouldn't necessarily choose to hang out with the majority of them on his own? Not so much.

As for family... My parents love him like he was their son. Sometimes my dad gets along better with my boyfriend than he does my brother. Granted my brother lives more of an alternative lifestyle. He is a mix of a hipster and a hippie. My parents are fairly straight edge as is my boyfriend. Whether his family likes me... well it's up in the air in my opinion. His mom lives in a different state so our time together has always been quick meals or get togethers with a bunch of other people. I think his sister likes me in general, we just have different interests. She bugs me a little bit. She likes to play damsel-in-distress and have my boyfriend rescue her. Overall we get along though.

I think it is important to get along with friends. It is especially important to get along with family. As they say "you marry the family too". Friends are important because IMHO the people you hang around with reflect on you. If you only hang out with assholes then you most likely have similar tendencies otherwise why do you hang out with them. What would you have in common with them or why would you put up with their crap? It has been and still is a red flag with me.

ETA: exactly what AlphaFrog said.

[KSUViolet06]

It depends for me. See, I know I have some cray cray family. However, I'm not of the "OMG FAMILY IS EVERYTHINGGGGG!!!" mindset and I don't feel obligated to be around them.

If you have crazy family, cool. But my dealbreaker is the guy who doesn't get that they're cray. Or knows that and insists that we hang out. Or live near them. Or have our kids hang with them. Or lend them money all the time because they (example) are irresponsible. Because "they're family."

Also, in terms of caring about their opinions, when I first meet someone, I care what my friends think moreso than say, my mom.

[Tulip86]

I generally like his friends, some of them have become dear friends who I even hang out with without my boyfriend present, some of his friends I don't really like but that's ok. He gets along with most of my friends as well.

His family is great, I really like his parents. His sister is quite a lot younger and I don't really know her.
He gets along with my family, my dad especially likes him. He isn't very fond of my mom and I get that, I love her to death but she can be very in-your-face.

[I2K Beta Mu]

Originally Posted by IrishLake

I2K, you gotta stop drunk posting. Or if you are, at least make a whole lot of typos so we KNOW you're drunk and we can just tell you to go sleep it off. :P

CTFU! Hennessy ain't no joke, but for some reason it doesn't fuck with me like that. I generally can still type, it just makes me talk a lot of shit. But I do that when I'm sober LOL.

Originally Posted by DubaiSis

Or better yet, lead off with an I'm drunk caveat.

I'll do that, next time.

Originally Posted by SydneyK

Accepted.
We gettin' along now?

Hell to the naw! LOL I'm fuckin with you. We cool.

Originally Posted by WCsweet<3

As for family... My parents love him like he was their son. Sometimes my dad gets along better with my boyfriend than he does my brother. Granted my brother lives more of an alternative lifestyle. He is a mix of a hipster and a hippie. My parents are fairly straight edge as is my boyfriend. Whether his family likes me... well it's up in the air in my opinion. His mom lives in a different state so our time together has always been quick meals or get togethers with a bunch of other people. I think his sister likes me in general, we just have different interests. She bugs me a little bit. She likes to play damsel-in-distress and have my boyfriend rescue her. Overall we get along though.

I think it is important to get along with friends. It is especially important to get along with family. As they say "you marry the family too". Friends are important because IMHO the people you hang around with reflect on you. If you only hang out with assholes then you most likely have similar tendencies otherwise why do you hang out with them. What would you have in common with them or why would you put up with their crap? It has been and still is a red flag with me.

ETA: exactly what AlphaFrog said.

I wanted to talk about the family. I wanted to see if folks here have issues with dude's or female's family. I personally don't really give a shit what her family is like. I heard the old saying about marrying into the family, but sometimes even when you're tight with the family, they can still sometimes get all in your business. One of my frat is having inlaw issues with his wife's family. They liked him at first, but now he tells me his wife is always telling their business to her mom. To me, that's foul as hell.

Any of y'all with your significant long term, but don't like the family, or they don't like you? I wouldn't give a fuck it my girl's mom didn't like me. I've dated females where their family didn't like me. I just feel that I'm with her not with them.

[SydneyK]

Glad we're cool.

Originally Posted by I2K Beta Mu

I've dated females where their family didn't like me. I just feel that I'm with her not with them.

When you're just dating, that's one thing. But as soon as you start talking marriage or long-term then, to an extent, you are with them. Especially if you and your SO have children together.

I get along with my hubby's family, and my family all get along with my hubby. My brother's wife, OTOH, is a piece of work. It's sometimes difficult for my parents to feel like they're as involved as they'd like to be with their grandchildren because of the friction between them (my folks) and my sis-in-law. Christmas, for instance, often becomes less about having fun as a family and more about walking around on eggshells.

It may not be an issue for you now. And, depending on how things go for you and Brandi in particular, it may not be an issue in the future. But, you really do marry the family.

/my two cents

[cheerfulgreek]

For me, family is very, very important. I won't commit to a man whose family doesn't like me. I also won't get involved with a man who my family doesn't like or who doesn't like my family. Family background is also important to me. If he comes from a dysfunctional family background or a family background that doesn't line up with or match mine, then we don't have that part in common, and if we don't have that part in common, then I'm not going to get involved with him.

To each its own, it's just that for me, a man's family reveals a lot about him. This is why I take note and decide whether I want my future with the man in my life to look like his present family situation. If I see bitterness and hostility between him and his parents or siblings, then I'm going to count on seeing it between the two of us in marriage. His relationship with his mom and his parents relationship with each other are also very important to me, because (to me) this is a preview of how he will treat me. There are lots of men who, because of a negative relationship with their mothers, really don't like women, yet say they do. I just believe that unresolved issues between mother and son continue between husband and wife. To me, based on my own experiences, every person functions according to what he was taught and what he witnessed from the day he was born. If my family relations, and experiences are vastly different from his, I just think it will be difficult to correspond on the same platform and the quality of both my life and his could be impacted because of it.

You (in general) may not have to live with your partner's family, but never be deceived into thinking that familial habits don't come to live at your (in general) house and affect your (in general) life directly because they most certainly do. I just think that where a man comes from has a lot to do with how he will function in relationships. But like I said, to each its own.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I agree. You tend to be friends with people who have a lot in common with you, not just activities you enjoy, but lifestyles, values, etc. so it would seem odd to not like each other's friends or be disliked by their friends.

Yep. I totally agree with you, Dee. I just think that friends reveal a lot about the person you are considering because they can be considered duplicates. If you do not like a man's friends, understand that they are displaying something -behaviors, habits, attitudes he might be hiding from you. Like I said before, 9 times out of 10, his friends may reveal who he is when he is not with you. That's why I say for this reason that patience and discernment are required for a quality relationship. At least it is for me.

[TonyB06]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

For me, family is very, very important. I won't commit to a man whose family doesn't like me. I also won't get involved with a man who my family doesn't like or who doesn't like my family. Family background is also important to me. If he comes from a dysfunctional family background or a family background that doesn't line up with or match mine, then we don't have that part in common, and if we don't have that part in common, then I'm not going to get involved with him.

To each its own, it's just that for me, a man's family reveals a lot about him. This is why I take note and decide whether I want my future with the man in my life to look like his present family situation. If I see bitterness and hostility between him and his parents or siblings, then I'm going to count on seeing it between the two of us in marriage. His relationship with his mom and his parents relationship with each other are also very important to me, because (to me) this is a preview of how he will treat me. There are lots of men who, because of a negative relationship with their mothers, really don't like women, yet say they do. I just believe that unresolved issues between mother and son continue between husband and wife. To me, based on my own experiences, every person functions according to what he was taught and what he witnessed from the day he was born. If my family relations, and experiences are vastly different from his, I just think it will be difficult to correspond on the same platform and the quality of both my life and his could be impacted because of it.

You (in general) may not have to live with your partner's family, but never be deceived into thinking that familial habits don't come to live at your (in general) house and affect your (in general) life directly because they most certainly do. I just think that where a man comes from has a lot to do with how he will function in relationships. But like I said, to each its own.

CG,
You've said a mouthful here, some of which I buy, other parts not so much.

I think families, and to a lesser extent friends (answering the thread question) are a matter of boundaries-- established and respected.

Every family has a mixture of good and bad apples, so I'm not thrown off by that. I try to observe my mate on this. I look to see how she handles "situations." How is her interaction with both the good and bad apples. Does she know how/when to handle them? Is she open to her own family members' strengths and faults. If so, then I think things can go well.

I realize we are all, to some degree, the product of our environments, but I don't take that as some immutable rule. Everyone has the ability to individually change, to break cycles of all sorts. I'd never reject someone out of hand because of their family situation. I'd watch her both in/out of that situation and make my call from that.

I generally get along (with family members and friends) and take people as I find them, because I want that in return. But as long as the relationship's boudaries are respected--by parents, siblings, friends, etc... then most situations should be relatively easily handled by mature people.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by TonyB06

CG,
You've said a mouthful here,.

And I meant and strongly believe in everything I said.

Originally Posted by TonyB06

Every family has a mixture of good and bad apples, so I'm not thrown off by that. I try to observe my mate on this. I look to see how she handles "situations." How is her interaction with both the good and bad apples. Does she know how/when to handle them? Is she open to her own family members' strengths and faults. If so, then I think things can go well..

I totally agree that there is no such thing as a perfect family, because a family is made up of imperfect people. It depends on what is acceptable to you and what is not -what you can live with and what you cannot. I also agree that it's important to look at how that person handles family situations, but at the same time I also know that all links with the person in your life both negative and positive will affect your interaction with that person. You may not be marrying the family, but you will be inheriting their issues, no matter how the person in your life chooses to handle those family situations. I try to observe both my mate and where he came from, and what kind of relationship he has with his family. Is the relationship he has with his family similar to mine? Is mine similar to his? Are what we value similar? The bottom line Tony, is you have to decide if you like what you see. If you do, go for it. If not, connect with someone whose life is acceptable to you.

Originally Posted by TonyB06

I realize we are all, to some degree, the product of our environments, but I don't take that as some immutable rule. Everyone has the ability to individually change, to break cycles of all sorts. I'd never reject someone out of hand because of their family situation. I'd watch her both in/out of that situation and make my call from that.

I generally get along (with family members and friends) and take people as I find them, because I want that in return. But as long as the relationship's boudaries are respected--by parents, siblings, friends, etc... then most situations should be relatively easily handled by mature people.

I didn't say anything about it being a "rule" as if people can't change, but when you are in a relationship both romantic and non-romantic, most of the time, whatever is going on around you and the interactions you have with that person have very little to do with you. It has to do with the accumulation of the many experiences that particular person had before she/he even got to you. Whether those experiences are acceptable or not is entirely up to you.

To me, life is not about any one person but how we all connect and affect one another as a whole. Relationships, both romantic and non-romantic, family relationships, etc. affect every area of our well-being and how we respond to people and circumstances at large. Everyone, family and all come with baggage and that comes from the journey of life. But there are healthy amounts and amounts that are seriously unacceptable. I'm not saying that someone who comes from a rough family background can't make a marriage/relationship work, because they can. But I have to look at and accept the things that are important to me. What goals does he have? Do they match mine? What is his idea of living a good life? What does his idea of a good family relationship look like? etc. These kinds of questions are important to me, because I might be surprised to find that his idea of a good family life does not match mine.

Tony, I think you are a wonderful person (based on your posts) but you are marrying the person in your life because of the things (both positive and negative) she brings into your world, and the things that are acceptable to you. You have your standards and I have mine. We all do. It's important to me to be clear that I have specific standards for the man who gets to insert himself into my life, and I leave the choice open to him of where he wants to fit into my life. I refuse to accept the "accept me as I am" line, because we have to be on the same spiritual page in order to enjoy a future together. That includes both his family and his friends. I'm not going to settle for less. What might be of great importance to me, might not be to someone else, and that includes you. What's important is what you are willing to live with and what you are not. That's why I said, to each its own.