The ramblings of a single woman... (TFKA ...crying pink and green tears...

[ladygreek]

Originally posted by AKA_Monet
Sorors, SF's and fellow GC'ers,

He's hit his "biological clock"... But he wants his cake and eat it too... Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free--goes the old adage with this situation... And I doubt many sistahs will go for his mentality...

I find it saddening that such a "fairly" decent man with a few "bumps" on his road of life, has given up on himself and putting a woman (any woman) thru the kinda BS he's shovelling to her... And poor thing, she just takes it in stride--and she isn't that young--she's 35...

What's your opinion?

Wish I could introduce him to my educated, very-well employed, beautiful sistah, daughter.

[TonyB06]

Originally posted by AKA_Monet
Sorors, SF's and fellow GC'ers,

I have no idea where to post my past weekend occurrence, there are so many threads dealing with this issue alone... But I decided to post it with my Sorors because I need some insight... How would you handle it? Especially for my Single Sorors... Read below:

This past weekend, my husband and I spent some time with my husband's close friend. My husband's friend is a wonderfully, handsome 40-something man who works for a very powerful computer company and has the most excellent job, which pays him very well...

(rest deleted for space)

What's your opinion?

Apologies if I've missed something here, but you stated twice in your post that this guy is adament about not re-marrying. I assume he's conveyed that to his dates/companions, so what is the issue, here? The woman who thinks she can change a man so determined in his mind, is most likely wasting her time.

I don't understand his male biological clock issue but that's his decision and he has to live with it.

[futurestar1]

[Color=purple]I think she is taking it in stride because maybe that is the type of relationship she wants. Not every woman wants to get married, and maybe she is looking for someone to have children with but not be "tied down" to them. I am not saying it is right or wrong, just that it is becoming a not so uncommon choice for some. I also don't think there is anything wrong with him going outside of the box. I have dated outside of my race on numerous occassions. Limiting myself to race, age, height, salary, etc requirements, rules out a lot of people. I could have been denying myself the chance to meet my soulmate (although I have since found him and he is black) by ruling him out just because he is white, hispanic, or asian.

The best way to find love is to just be patient and let love find you. He will send you the love of your life in His time, not yours, and hopefully, not before you are ready. Sometimes we think we are ready for love when we are truly not because we have not learned to fully love ourselves. Sometimes we aren't ready because we are too selfish to be selfless. Just pray that when He sends you your mate, you are ready with heart, mind and soul. Hurry up and waitI think she is taking it in stride because maybe that is the type of relationship she wants. Not every woman wants to get married, and maybe she is looking for someone to have children with but not be "tied down" to them. I am not saying it is right or wrong, just that it is becoming a not so uncommon choice for some. I also don't think there is anything wrong with him going outside of the box. I have dated outside of my race on numerous occassions. Limiting myself to race, age, height, salary, etc requirements, rules out a lot of people. I could have been denying myself the chance to meet my soulmate (although I have since found him and he is black) by ruling him out just because he is white, hispanic, or asian.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally posted by ladygreek
Wish I could introduce him to my educated, very-well employed, beautiful sistah, daughter.

Actually I was gonna introduce him to one of your sorority sisters that has it going on (and she's a good friend of mine), but he has some issues that go beyond what she would even want to deal with and I do not think that would be fair to her...

I could let her decide, because everyone here is an adult, but I need to stay outta grown folks business...

[AKA_Monet]

Originally posted by TonyB06
Apologies if I've missed something here, but you stated twice in your post that this guy is adament about not re-marrying. I assume he's conveyed that to his dates/companions, so what is the issue, here? The woman who thinks she can change a man so determined in his mind, is most likely wasting her time.

I don't understand his male biological clock issue but that's his decision and he has to live with it.

Tony- You are correct in your understanding... He has conveyed it to his companions (or whatever). And women, being women try to change men all the time... That's just the way it is. It isn't right, but that is what we do... It's the nurturing gene. Or the "I don't give a dayum" gene has not been activated, yet.

Yes, having a child out of wedlock is a decision he would have to live with if he chose that route. You know the strengths and weaknesses of doing something like that, don't you?

I don't care how you slice it, anyone that makes that route for themselves without whole consent of the other party is destined to call him or herself into rough times, generally speaking. Maybe, we hope, it will work out. He can get a woman pregnant, have his child and not have to be married and everything will be copastetic... Cool... Whatever... But in the real world, that hardly EVER happens and there is ALWAYS drama--forever... 'Cuz now, we are talking about another human being's life here...

And you know I have issues with this, too... Search my posts...

[CrimsonTide4]

Originally posted by AKA_Monet
Tony- You are correct in your understanding... He has conveyed it to his companions (or whatever). And women, being women try to change men all the time... That's just the way it is. It isn't right, but that is what we do... It's the nurturing gene. Or the "I don't give a dayum" gene has not been activated, yet.

Yes, having a child out of wedlock is a decision he would have to live with if he chose that route. You know the strengths and weaknesses of doing something like that, don't you?

I don't care how you slice it, anyone that makes that route for themselves without whole consent of the other party is destined to call him or herself into rough times, generally speaking. Maybe, we hope, it will work out. He can get a woman pregnant, have his child and not have to be married and everything will be copastetic... Cool... Whatever... But in the real world, that hardly EVER happens and there is ALWAYS drama--forever... 'Cuz now, we are talking about another human being's life here...

And you know I have issues with this, too... Search my posts...

If he really wants to be a parent, has he considered adopting?

Oh and remember how last Friday we were conversing via PM adn all of a sudden the convo halted? It was because your PM box was full, lol.

[TonyB06]

Originally posted by AKA_Monet
Tony- You are correct in your understanding... He has conveyed it to his companions (or whatever). And women, being women try to change men all the time... That's just the way it is. It isn't right, but that is what we do... It's the nurturing gene. Or the "I don't give a dayum" gene has not been activated, yet.

Yes, having a child out of wedlock is a decision he would have to live with if he chose that route. You know the strengths and weaknesses of doing something like that, don't you?

I don't care how you slice it, anyone that makes that route for themselves without whole consent of the other party is destined to call him or herself into rough times, generally speaking. Maybe, we hope, it will work out. He can get a woman pregnant, have his child and not have to be married and everything will be copastetic... Cool... Whatever... But in the real world, that hardly EVER happens and there is ALWAYS drama--forever... 'Cuz now, we are talking about another human being's life here...

And you know I have issues with this, too... Search my posts...

Well, both my children were born within the bonds of wedlock, but I can intellectually grasp what he wants to do. ...And I suspect the "I don't give a dayum" gene is closely linked to the "You need to meet my friend" gene? Sistahs, I have found, love to play match-maker.

[sphinxpoet]

Hmmmm.... be careful of playing match maker! Take it from a former one....they call you everyday like "What do they think of ABC and EFG" I am like talk to them about it lol. But seriously marriage is an institution that should not be entered into lightly and neither is having Kids. Marriage is a contract between a man and a woman that is blessed by God. If he chooses to not get married and speaks to his partner(s) about it then I respect that! Better to be honest and if she tries to change that and fails it is her fault no other for she knew what was up from the Start!

Sphinxpoet
Learning and Growing

[AKA_Monet]

Originally posted by sphinxpoet
If he chooses to not get married and speaks to his partner(s) about it then I respect that! Better to be honest and if she tries to change that and fails it is her fault no other for she knew what was up from the Start!

Phrat, I respectifully disagree with your above statement and its implications.

Women should not shoulder the entire burden of entering nefarious contracts with poignant men who specifically state their complications... That just makes a marital relationship jaded and one-sided. Not to mention, misogynistic.

It takes two to tango... Given the evolution of this one topic that started out with myself being a single woman to being a married woman... That fact in and of itself has transformed me, personally.

As far as the other stuff goes, it's nice to see when others are paired off, too... And your the one that started it.

[sphinxpoet]

Originally posted by AKA_Monet
Phrat, I respectifully disagree with your above statement and its implications.

Women should not shoulder the entire burden of entering nefarious contracts with poignant men who specifically state their complications... That just makes a marital relationship jaded and one-sided. Not to mention, misogynistic.

It takes two to tango... Given the evolution of this one topic that started out with myself being a single woman to being a married woman... That fact in and of itself has transformed me, personally.

As far as the other stuff goes, it's nice to see when others are paired off, too... And your the one that started it.

My most wonderful Soror AKA_MONET
I understand your stance but alas the reality is that it does take 2 to tango but as long as I do not give you indication that my actions do not contridict my statement then where is he in the wrong. Also I would say the same applies to women as well. If a woman does such an action and does not try to lead the man on to anything more than she has said then she is the right. I agree that this mysoginitic behavoir should not be tolerated however it is incumbant on the person that hears this not to enter into it. We(society) give men too much of an out! Period end of story. Any woman I date I want to fufill my spiritual needs and be wonderful like AKA_Monet! But of course as long as we raise our boys with work around contracts and then co-sign for them then It does not look good.

Sphinxpoet
Loves AKA_Monet like the cool side of the pillow on a summer day!

[AKA_Monet]

Originally posted by sphinxpoet
My most wonderful Soror AKA_MONET
I understand your stance but alas the reality is that it does take 2 to tango but as long as I do not give you indication that my actions do not contridict my statement then where is he in the wrong. Also I would say the same applies to women as well. If a woman does such an action and does not try to lead the man on to anything more than she has said then she is the right. I agree that this mysoginitic behavoir should not be tolerated however it is incumbant on the person that hears this not to enter into it. We(society) give men too much of an out! Period end of story. Any woman I date I want to fufill my spiritual needs and be wonderful like AKA_Monet! But of course as long as we raise our boys with work around contracts and then co-sign for them then It does not look good.

Sphinxpoet
Loves AKA_Monet like the cool side of the pillow on a summer day!

However Phrat, you know that most women do not take the utterances of men seriously unless something is used to back it up, i.e. flowers, jewelry, etc... Especially if they have allowed themselves to be abused several times by men (if you want to call them that) that speak earnestly, but act nefariously...

Besides, I guess I do not see marriage as a contract. I see it as a "covenant" between a two people, just like God see His covenants... When we speak the language of covenents, then it adds a whole new understanding of our spiritual selves and we must enter into this relationship without trepidation...

Contractual marriages, IMHO, are just like contracts that are for very specific periods and for very specific needs...

(Yes, Rainman and Lovespell 6, I am now reading Dr. Chapman's book on Covenant Marriages, just an FYI)

So on that note, some of your points are well taken. One party needs to shoulder some of the risk. However, if one says he is walking with God, and acts that way in public, but says something different in private, then how can the other make an interpretation?

The fact is, single Black women must understand that as long as they "box" themselves in who they choose to date, they will stay single for the rest of their lives. Because really, Black men are not staying single... In fact, they are all outside of the box--running away from it... And if a Sistah wants a that sort of connection with a man, fine, it's her life, let her do whatever to it... Almost always, that's a bunch of bullisht. But, hey, to each his own...

But if Brotha wants to do that, he can do it and be alright for a bit... But from my viewpoint in life, many a brothaman hits the ground hard... And usually, it's Sistahgirl that's left with the billions of pieces that she must piece together to make some semblelances of a man... (Think what Auset had to do after Set killed Ausar)...

At any rate, that's just my opinion... From what I saw and the interactions I had with the young lady brothaman had got her to agree to being playing with, he's gonna be hitting the ground pretty hard in the near future, and he really ain't gonna have to many a sistah to help him up... But I could be wrong... Let's hope so...

[sphinxpoet]

Originally posted by AKA_Monet
However Phrat, you know that most women do not take the utterances of men seriously unless something is used to back it up, i.e. flowers, jewelry, etc... Especially if they have allowed themselves to be abused several times by men (if you want to call them that) that speak earnestly, but act nefariously...

Besides, I guess I do not see marriage as a contract. I see it as a "covenant" between a two people, just like God see His covenants... When we speak the language of covenents, then it adds a whole new understanding of our spiritual selves and we must enter into this relationship without trepidation...

Contractual marriages, IMHO, are just like contracts that are for very specific periods and for very specific needs...

(Yes, Rainman and Lovespell 6, I am now reading Dr. Chapman's book on Covenant Marriages, just an FYI)

So on that note, some of your points are well taken. One party needs to shoulder some of the risk. However, if one says he is walking with God, and acts that way in public, but says something different in private, then how can the other make an interpretation?

The fact is, single Black women must understand that as long as they "box" themselves in who they choose to date, they will stay single for the rest of their lives. Because really, Black men are not staying single... In fact, they are all outside of the box--running away from it... And if a Sistah wants a that sort of connection with a man, fine, it's her life, let her do whatever to it... Almost always, that's a bunch of bullisht. But, hey, to each his own...

But if Brotha wants to do that, he can do it and be alright for a bit... But from my viewpoint in life, many a brothaman hits the ground hard... And usually, it's Sistahgirl that's left with the billions of pieces that she must piece together to make some semblelances of a man... (Think what Auset had to do after Set killed Ausar)...

At any rate, that's just my opinion... From what I saw and the interactions I had with the young lady brothaman had got her to agree to being playing with, he's gonna be hitting the ground pretty hard in the near future, and he really ain't gonna have to many a sistah to help him up... But I could be wrong... Let's hope so...

Soror Monet I agree with everything you have said. However we must address both sides Men and Women we need to change the way we think of marriage as well. It is a covenant between 2 people blessed by approval with the Lord. Getting married is a blessing and we need to reinvest in teh blessing of marriage as a life long commitment. Nowadays it is easier to get divorced then get married in some states! I will agree with my soror about everything she stated above........

[NuQueen04]

AKA_Monet or anyone with insight,

Are there any books or webpages that you would suggest for the single Christian woman with regards to dating, courtship, relationships, marriage, etc?

Thank you for any suggestions or assistance in this matter.

[Honeykiss1974]

Originally posted by NuQueen04
AKA_Monet or anyone with insight,

Are there any books or webpages that you would suggest for the single Christian woman with regards to dating, courtship, relationships, marriage, etc?

Thank you for any suggestions or assistance in this matter.

These are two EXCELLENT books on dating, being single, relationships, courtship from the Christian/biblical perspective.

The Diva Prinicple by Michelle McKinney Hammond
I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris

[Love_Spell_6]

Originally posted by Honeykiss1974
These are two EXCELLENT books on dating, being single, relationships, courtship from the Christian/biblical perspective.

The Diva Prinicple by Michelle McKinney Hammond
I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris

Co sign on Joshua Harris' books! I read Boy Meets Girl which I believe was the second book.