In-law venting thread

[WCsweet<3]

My boyfriend's mother has been in town since Thursday. I don't entirely understand her. She hasn't seen her son in 6 months so instead of spending time with him. Instead she spends more time seeing her friends or making events where it's friends and her family for instance happy hours with friends or dinner with friends and family. I don't think they ever spent more than twenty minutes alone together. She never came and saw our place, not that it's new, but she has never seen it. I'm pretty sure her friends know more about me than she does. She didn't ask a single question about me. Not how school is going or how anyone/thing is. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years and have lived together for one. It's not like I'm new or that we aren't long term or anything. I just don't think we will ever be friendly or close at all. It's kind of sad. She is his only parent and I don't think there will ever be a relationship. It makes me wonder if my boyfriend and I have kids if she will be in the picture at all.

[DreamfulSpirit]

I love that this thread was started, and I sooo wish we all didn't have stuff to vent about...but oh well!

So as I mentioned in an above post, I have 5 BILs. DH's 2nd oldest brother, I guess he's engaged, at least that's what they say...since neither have jobs, who knows when they'll get married (and btw, this BIL is almost 40!). Well...him and his fiancée were pregnant at least 3 or 4 years ago, but she ended up getting some kind of infection that caused her to go into labor very early, ended up giving birth, and unfortunately when the cord was cut, they lost the baby. Well...she has photos of this baby on her facebook, including 1 as her profile pic. I'm sooo disturbed by this, that I unsubscribed from her posts so I wouldn't see the picture on my facebook feed. Someone else even posted on her facebook saying how gruesome that pic was, and she replied that she's totally okay with it (obviously!).

My DH and I are planning on trying to start our family within the next few months, before the end of the year...and I've told my husband how disturbing and morbid it is for her to have these pics displayed on facebook or on the internet. These pics should be kept privately, because not everyone else out there needs/wants to see them. If I'm looking to become pregnant in the next 6 months, I don't want to see a pic of someone's dead baby as their profile pic!

[TonyB06]

Originally Posted by DreamfulSpirit

... Well...him and his fiancée were pregnant at least 3 or 4 years ago, but she ended up getting some kind of infection that caused her to go into labor very early, ended up giving birth, and unfortunately when the cord was cut, they lost the baby. Well...she has photos of this baby on her facebook, including 1 as her profile pic. I'm sooo disturbed by this, that I unsubscribed from her posts so I wouldn't see the picture on my facebook feed. Someone else even posted on her facebook saying how gruesome that pic was, and she replied that she's totally okay with it (obviously!).

My DH and I are planning on trying to start our family within the next few months, before the end of the year...and I've told my husband how disturbing and morbid it is for her to have these pics displayed on facebook or on the internet. These pics should be kept privately, because not everyone else out there needs/wants to see them. If I'm looking to become pregnant in the next 6 months, I don't want to see a pic of someone's dead baby as their profile pic!

While it may seem morbid to you, it may be a helpful mechanism for this woman to cope with what seems to still be a difficult time for her. Eighteen years ago, my first wife and I had a 2nd trimester miscarriage --by far, the most devastating thing I've ever experienced. As devastating as it was for me, I don't think my anguish even approached what she went through. They gave us photos (to aid the grieving process). I looked at them once and knew that day that I'd never look at them again. My ex, on the other hand, spent a lot of time with them.

My point is, who can say what someone else should or should not do (legally, that is) to get through their grief? It varies even in families, so why would anyone expect a friend's grief to follow somone else's idea on the matter?

You say you didn't want to see her "pics." After our miscarriage, it seemed the only thing I saw on TV for a week were baby stroller, baby pamper, baby formula commercials, and commericals of couples w/ new babies. Each of us gets through the best way you can.

I undertstand your post, but maybe it's best for you to just avoid this woman's FB page. What's she's doing may be helping her heal. God bless her.

[KSUViolet06]

^^^^Oh my. That's dreadful. I feel like those types of pictures should be private, meaning not on the internet or on display at all for anyone. I have friends who lost a son when he was born prematurely at 23 weeks. They have pictures of him (some alive in the NICU and some shortly after he passed away), but they're all in like a memory box in their bedroom. Nowhere public. That's just such a personal thing and I don't see why anyone would want that out there.

[aephi alum]

Since this was bumped, I want to follow up on my post from January.

GMIL did pass away back in early April, just before the start of Passover. She had surgery in February and spent the next few weeks after that bouncing from hospital to hospice and back to hospital, while getting physically weaker and weaker, until her body just gave out. She was 95.

Passover with the in-laws therefore didn't happen. DH and I had a quiet first seder at home and visited friends for the second seder. GMIL's funeral was a couple of days later (a funeral cannot be held on a holy day). We joined MIL and FIL while they sat shiva in New York. Surprisingly, this wasn't as unpleasant as I'd feared.

MIL is the executrix of her mother's will. Her brother is zero help - he just wants his share of the estate NOW NOW NOW. So, needless to say, she is a basket case. She can and will flip out at the least little thing at the best of times, and it's far from the best of times - so I'm letting DH handle the lion's share of inter-family communications.

[Kevin]

Doing family law cases, divorces with kids are a walk in the park compared to some of those probate cases. Good luck to your MIL. She needs support.

[ellebud]

So...a way back I posted a few things about my in laws: bigots at best and that's the best thing that I can say about them.

My fil died and my mil is ill. She, the grand dame of society is paying her other son to live with them. (He never made a living on his own.) She has become, if it were possible, even more bigoted, stupid and nasty as she ages.

The saddest part? While her son is devoted to her (or her money), her other dil despises her. "Happily" she is blind so she doesn't see sil sticking her tongue out at her. Passive/aggressive much? My husband cares that his mother is dying...but my children and I don't care. I think that the absence of feelings is more devastating.

Lessons to be learned: I will become, in the next few years, a mil. Do my husband and I have valid concerns about the significant others? Yes. Will I voice them, unasked? NOPE.

.......reminds me....I have a birthday gift to get for son's girlfriend.

[WCsweet<3]

For those of you who's significant others family is crazy:
1) did they realize their family was awful at the beginning of the relationship? If no, did they ever realize it?

2) if you knew their family was awful and that you would be in contact with them on a somewhat regular basis, how did you make the decision to stay in the relationship?

[KSUViolet06]

^^^I think another important point to consider is to what extent does one's significant other KNOW that his family is awful?

For example: If he has a crazy mom, does he know that his mom is batshit crazy and take her with a grain of salt? Or does he think that every word out of her mouth is gospel (an get offended when you don't?)

[GratefulGramma]

My husband knew his mother was batshit crazy, and shared it with me because he was basically terrified of her. After his death, I found out some horrible things she had done to him as a child, but he never wanted me to know. She never had a kind word to say about me (got that from her best friend, after MIL died), which was fine with me; I stood between her and my husband and dared her to cross the line I drew in the sand. Oh, she didn't like me at all! She was a complete narcissist, and made everybody in her family miserable, but she was convincing to her friends.

ETA: We weren't teenagers when we got married. We were early/mid 30's, and not each other's first spouse, so we had an idea what we were doing. I loved my husband enough to spend the next 20 years between him and his crazy mother.

[MSKKG]

My younger son got engaged on the 5th, and I hope I will be a good MIL. I like his fiance, so that's a good start!

I loved my MIL, and she loved me. I can't image what some of you are dealing with.

[groovypq]

I shouldn't complain about my in-laws - my first MIL was bat-shit crazy, they are not - but in the past year or so it seems like everything with them is full of DRAMA. Martyr syndrome, miscommunication (hopefully not purposeful lying), constant griping, inability to plan anything simple, etc. I get claustrophobic when I'm around the whole group. I won't go into all the stories because I could write a book.

It's just getting harder and harder not to be frustrated, and I hate feeling that way because it bothers my husband (He knows my first MIL was nuts and I think he fears I'll hate his family).

Trying to find a subtle way to get out of the annual family beach week because last year, with five adults in a tiny condo, I was losing my mind. Add another adult, a dog, and a baby and it's just going to be worse. While I appreciate the free place to stay (we can't afford a week down there ourselves), it's just too. much. The baby won't fit into "our" room and I am NOT leaving him/her in the living room, especially with a dog around! (speaking of dogs, they were going to buy us a dog when we moved into our new house. Without asking if we wanted one. I shot that down FAST.)

And now they're weirdly competitive with my parents - like miffed that my parents have been to our new house twice and they haven't been up here yet. Never mind it was six months after we moved that my parents got a chance to come up and the second time they came up was to haul up most of the gifts from my baby shower because there wasn't enough room in my car!

[SWTXBelle]

Son-in-law is a an ungrateful jerk.

[TonyB06]

Originally Posted by groovypq

Trying to find a subtle way to get out of the annual family beach week because last year, with five adults in a tiny condo, I was losing my mind. Add another adult, a dog, and a baby and it's just going to be worse. While I appreciate the free place to stay (we can't afford a week down there ourselves), it's just too. much. The baby won't fit into "our" room and I am NOT leaving him/her in the living room, especially with a dog around! (speaking of dogs, they were going to buy us a dog when we moved into our new house. Without asking if we wanted one. I shot that down FAST.)

And now they're weirdly competitive with my parents - like miffed that my parents have been to our new house twice and they haven't been up here yet. Never mind it was six months after we moved that my parents got a chance to come up and the second time they came up was to haul up most of the gifts from my baby shower because there wasn't enough room in my car!

uggh, that sounds messy. Is there anyway your husband can take the lead in explaining to your (his) parents the length of time is too great?

I'd think his mom would buy into your adament position of not having the baby not in the room with you. I'm not a pet person at all so I completely feel the veto on life with the dogs. I'd be screaming from the rooftops, but appreciate your willingness to keep the peace.

As far as the parents visiting, it sounds like one set lives in the same city as you/hubby and the other set lives away? if so, what, logically, could the miffedness (made up word of the day) be based on?

[AnchorAlumna]

Originally Posted by TonyB06

As far as the parents visiting, it sounds like one set lives in the same city as you/hubby and the other set lives away? if so, what, logically, could the miffedness (made up word of the day) be based on?

Logic has nothing to do with it.