In-law venting thread - Page 12

AGDee · #1 10-21-2011, 12:17 AM

My mom was there for the birth of hypoallergenic and I'm thrilled that she was. She had never seen or experienced it herself because when she had my brother and I, they basically knocked her out and she woke up after the fact. I was barely cognizant of who was there and who wasn't, honestly. My (now) ex was useless. He couldn't remember how to coach me or anything. I didn't really plan for my mom to be there, it just happened that way. I didn't know they'd allow her to stay. For my second, my dad and his wife were at the hospital but I pretty much asked them to leave the room when labor was getting bad. My mom was home watching hypoallergenic that time. Hypoallergenic and my mom share a middle name because she was there for the birth

If it was a mother in law though, no way.

KSUViolet06 · #2 10-21-2011, 12:42 AM

^^^I'm still on the fence about kids, but if I were to ever give birth you guys could add me to the No Mom in the Room group.

My mom is a former ER nurse. Every medical situation turns into her asking the doctors 50 million questions and "OMGWTFBBQ!!!! You're doing it wrong!!!" She would probably make the docs want to hand her the gloves, leave the room and tell HER to deliver the baby.

IrishLake · #3 10-21-2011, 12:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

^^^I'm still on the fence about kids, but if I were to ever give birth you guys could add me to the No Mom in the Room group.

My mom is a former ER nurse. Every medical situation turns into her asking the doctors 50 million questions and "OMGWTFBBQ!!!! You're doing it wrong!!!" She would probably make the docs want to hand her the gloves, leave the room and tell HER to deliver the baby.

Same, but my mom is a NICU respiratory therapist. She spazzed when I told her I had meconium (sp) in my "water" with my first. She was completely convinced they were going to let my baby aspirate it in.

For both of mine, it was just me and hub. With my first daughter, first grandkid, my FiL was in a hurry to get into the delivery room. He wanted to be the first to hold the first grandchild. Hub went out to tell them everything went fine, they could come in after a while, then turned around to come back into the room. I had just delivered the placenta, I was completely out of it, puking, dizzy, legs still splayed and getting stitched. I heard one of the nurses, who was cleaning my daughter up, say "UM, can I HELP you??" I look over my shoulder, and there was my FiL. He was like "Oh!! I thought it was ok if we came in now!" The one nurse damn near killed him, she said "You need to leave, NOW! OUT! A nurse will tell you when you can come in."

I laugh about it now, but was pretty pissed at the time.

christiangirl · #4 10-21-2011, 03:12 AM

I am totally in that group. I don't want anyone there but my husband as we start our new family. a) Because my mother gets panicky and would drive me crazy and b) I don't deal with pain or annoyance well and would probably hurt some feelings. If I turn into a fire-breathing dragon, I want as few casualties as possible.

lovespink88 · #5 10-21-2011, 10:23 PM

NOOOOOOOO... I had a really long bitching post and it just deleted itself

Guess I'll start again.

My future MIL is a very nice lady. Very nice.

She is, however, a bit overbearing. She cannot rest until she has made extremely detailed plans of everything and has multiple back up emergency plans for everything. Hey, it's good to be prepared...but this is extreme.

I remember in college there were a few times where fiance had something he had to take care of/prepare for. She will often do research (UNSOLICITED RESEARCH) on whatever he needs to take care of/prepare for and call him to tell him all the steps he needs to take in order to get to point A to point B. Again, he never asked for her help, she just does it.

Last Thanksgiving, we started the day at my aunts house and finished at his aunts house. She printed us out directions with her own detailed notes that included his aunt & uncles first names (in case he forgot?????) and their phone numbers, in case we got lost.

When we took a trip together in the spring, she checked out 3 books from the library about the city to take with us and gave me a folder of stuff she printed out; our itineraries & hotel confirmation info.

She is also terrified of bad whether. One time during winter break in college it started snowing when I was at his house. She heard we were supposed to get a half a foot of snow, so she made me go home early. I live 4 miles away and it snowed 2 inches.

When I was visiting him back in September, there was a tropical storm heading our way (he lives in Louisiana for now). She called several times to make sure everything was ok. Obviously whether was bad in some parts but we were perfectly safe; no flooding in our area and it really was just rain...it didn't even thunderstorm! I remember the first time he answered the phone and she didn't even say hi, all I heard was "there's a tropical storm warning and flash flood warning!!!" As if we weren't paying attention to the weather and didn't know what to do if things got ugly.

So anyways...fiance will be in town tomorrow (woo hoo!) for a friend's wedding. I offered to pick him up about 2 weeks ago, but we didn't confirm it. I got an IM from FMIL about a half hour ago saying that she hasnt been able to get a hold of fiance (which is no surprise, he is NOT good at remembering to look at his cell phone), and to please call her cause she had questions about this weekend. I kid you not, our phone call included all of the following:

What time is is flight? What airline? Are you going to pick him up? You mentioned you were going to, but I just wanted to confirm. We can pick him up, it's no problem, but I just wanted to be sure. Are you bringing him here or will you be both getting ready at your house? What time is the wedding and reception? Did you book a hotel? He mentioned you guys were planning on it but I didn't know if you had done that yet. What time is his flight back? I know there's a really late flight, is that the one? I just wanted to confirm because he's not answering his phone. Don't worry, I also sent him an email this morning reminding him to check into his flight and to make sure he packs everything he needs like his suit, a tie, shoes, etc. Oh and I reminded him that he needs to make arrangements for how to get to the airport.

YOUR SON IS 23 YEARS OLD. He is a big boy now. He can figure out how to prepare for a trip. I get the whole what time is he coming in thing. I totally understand what time they should expect him to be there. That's normal and fair. But do you really need to know all of the details of the wedding RIGHT NOW. Do you really need to know if we are staying at a hotel RIGHT NOW. Don't you think these things will be mentioned to you when he sees you in the morning. Do you really need to know his departing flight RIGHT NOW. TAKE A BREATH, LADY.

I don't know, maybe I'm over reacting, but I am feeling slightly suffocated by this. Fiance has learned to tune it out after all these years, lol For him, it's gotten to be just a "smile and nod" kind of thing and it doesn't seem to bother him. But it's making me anxious. I'm frankly a little insulted at some of her questions about our plans for the weekend. They're OUR plans. You don't think I realized I needed to book a hotel room in advance?

I just I can't imagine my mom sending me an email reminding me of what I need to pack and telling me I have to arrange airport transportation. Again, I'd be insulted if my mom didn't think I could handle that, lol

I suppose this could be a million times worse, but I really will need to work on my patience...

amIblue? · #6 10-22-2011, 01:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lovespink88

NOOOOOOOO... I had a really long bitching post and it just deleted itself

snip

I just I can't imagine my mom sending me an email reminding me of what I need to pack and telling me I have to arrange airport transportation. Again, I'd be insulted if my mom didn't think I could handle that, lol

I suppose this could be a million times worse, but I really will need to work on my patience...

My mother is similar to your FMIL. In fact, I almost thought you might be my current SIL until I read further into your post.

Yes, you and your fiance need to set boundaries ASAP. However, I do wonder if there might be another issue at hand. My mother is not nearly as bad about this kind of stuff with me as she is with my brother. The difference is mainly that I go ahead and tell her details about stuff up front, and then when/if she asks about it later, I remind her of our prior conversation and she shuts up. He does that whole not telling her/avoiding her calls thing and it just ratchets things up with her.

I'm sure all that stuff as annoying as it is she does comes from love. If you haven't tried my method of upfront communication, I highly recommend it. It's like a vaccination for confrontation, bad feelings, etc. Of course, YMMV.

lovespink88 · #7 11-03-2011, 09:25 PM

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I re-read my post and feel a little silly. Yes, it's annoying, but it's certainly not the worse thing that could be happening. As amIblue mentioned, it is just how she shows she cares.

I did bring it up to my guy. I asked if he thought it would be like this when we gets married and he said no. Why he thinks that, I'm not sure. He offered to talk to her about it, but I told him let's wait on it for now; we'll see how it continues to go.

AGDee · #8 10-22-2011, 09:41 AM

You might have to find a polite way to nip this in the bud now. I can't imagine what that will begin to look like when you have children. He should probably have a conversation with her that starts something like this:

Son: Mom, I know that you worry about whether we've got all the details handled but you need to trust that you've raised me well enough to manage these things on my own.

And then, if she still calls you with things like that, you need to just repeat: "We have everything under control" and just give her the basics, like what time he is expected.

That said, when my kids are packing for something, like Boy Scouts or my daughter's trip to NYC, I start running down the "did you pack?" list. They both chide me for it because they've both packed a million times. In fact, when hypoallergenic was packing for her NYC trip, she said "I packed for Europe, remember?" LOL. I laugh and tell them "I know, but it's a mom thing and I can't help it, you have your inhaler, right?" That's as far as I go though, and I hope I don't still do that when they're adults. (Ok, maybe I will when she's packing for college in another state).

ellebud · #9 10-22-2011, 12:59 PM

So the fact that my friend did somewhat the same thing....the did you take?...and was not so politely informed that they knew what they were doing?.....Until the first time this very grown up couple went away (sans mom's checklist) and she forgot the vouchers for sightseeing (not reprintable) and he forgot underwear.....Think of her as a personal assistant. People pay big bucks for one.

carnation · #10 10-22-2011, 01:08 PM

One of my girls is now dealing with a future MIL who keeps questioning every detail of the wedding as if she were some hotshot planner or rich socialite...hello? Her oldest daughter got married in some tacky hurry-up ceremony in the living room. I told my daughter to stand strong--she's getting married in a gorgeous old church and it'll be beautiful with her jewel-colors theme that matches the stained glass windows.

ellebud · #11 10-22-2011, 01:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by carnation

One of my girls is now dealing with a future MIL who keeps questioning every detail of the wedding as if she were some hotshot planner or rich socialite...hello? Her oldest daughter got married in some tacky hurry-up ceremony in the living room. I told my daughter to stand strong--she's getting married in a gorgeous old church and it'll be beautiful with her jewel-colors theme that matches the stained glass windows.

That sounds gorgeous!

amIblue? · #12 10-22-2011, 01:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ellebud

So the fact that my friend did somewhat the same thing....the did you take?...and was not so politely informed that they knew what they were doing?.....Until the first time this very grown up couple went away (sans mom's checklist) and she forgot the vouchers for sightseeing (not reprintable) and he forgot underwear.....Think of her as a personal assistant. People pay big bucks for one.

OMG - my brother left the shirt for his suit at home for his destination wedding because he "had it under control." He figured it out approx 1 hour before the ceremony, when we were approx 30 minutes away from any kind of store. That's just one of many times such things have happened. Sometimes moms just know what kind of details their kids have a hard time remembering.

ETA: Just read your post about your SIL a couple of pages back. Sorry that you have to deal with that insanity, but I love your method of dealing with her!

christiangirl · #13 10-22-2011, 07:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AGDee

Son: Mom, I know that you worry about whether we've got all the details handled but you need to trust that you've raised me well enough to manage these things on my own.

I have had this convo with MommyCG several times over the course of several years. Nothin' doin'. I have a lateness problem so even on days when I was not running late, my mom repeatedly call out to me what time it was. If it got close to the time I was supposed to leave, she would follow me around the house, packing up my stuff and exasperatedly pointing at the clock. For the record, this was not helpful. This continued until I moved out.

Now, she calls on me test and meeting days around the time she thinks I need to get up just to say, "I'm making sure you're out of the bed. Have a good day and don't go back to sleep."

SWTXBelle · #14 11-03-2011, 09:31 PM

Dear SIL -
He is my baby brother. He will always be my baby brother. You do not get to decide what I call him. Yes, he now goes by a nickname, but I am grandfathered in and will continue to call him by his Christian name. I will also refer to him as my baby brother even if he is 41 years old. If you don't like it you can lump it. Sincerely, ME

ellebud · #15 11-04-2011, 01:45 PM

So...my (probable) future dil called last night. She wants to go shopping with me...and the girls, if possible. (!) We are going Sunday. Why? To quote her, "I like your taste. You find nice clothes and you see possibilities in stuff."

She is also joining us for the Day After Thanksgiving...which in our house is national holiday (along with January 1st).

Sigh...........(with joy). She wants to bond.