In-law venting thread

[ellebud]

To those of you who had parents and in laws show up: My mother (who is getting a bad rap here, but she was a truly wonderful mother and a fabulous grandmother) and father did come to the hospital after two of our children were born. My mother did not come for the third child because she had a cold. But did she cook dinner? I had c sections each time...and no she didn't. I cooked, somehow. And she thought that it wasn't good enough.

On the other hand when my husband called my in laws (his dear parents) after I had my first (I had been in labor for 18 hours and then had an emergency section) they hung up on him. It was late they said. They showed up two weeks later to see our first...and my mil criticized my housekeeping.

And after I hired full time live in help: I was "spoiled" because I had a housekeeper (as did her other dil...but she was "special")...and the women weren't in uniform. I was a "bad" employer. (But my house was clean.)

They didn't bring dinner either.

We didn't call them again after the birth of our next two.

[VandalSquirrel]

Originally Posted by agzg

Live-in's mom has made comments to the effect of being there for all of that type of stuff. She once said "I can't wait to take you wedding dress shopping, you know, since your mom won't be there."

While I appreciate that she loves me and wants me and Live-in to be married and happy together (and I really do appreciate it - she is not short on love or annoying habits), pairing it with a "since your mom won't be there" was like punching me in the gut. That was a few years ago now, and I'm hoping that she's picked up on the fact that mentioning my mom or things we can do together since my mom isn't around is something that makes me shut down completely.

I worry though, that she'll say something like "since your mom won't be there" in regard to labor/babies. I might have to pull out with "the only non-doctor/nurse in the room I want seeing my vulva is Live-in, since he had to see it to get me into this mess anyway."

I realize you're in a situation with a potential MIL, but I am so thankful my step-father has never acted that way since my father died. When I was getting married my grandfather was going to take me down the aisle, and since that didn't happen he is deceased as well. If I ever decided to get married I'd just walk myself down the aisle since I don't see that I am someone or thing to be given to a man, or I'd do it up Norwegian style and make it a big ol' Soul Train Line to the church, down the aisle, back up the aisle, out of the church, and then to the reception. I'm serious about a Soul Train Line though, even if I do it with Norwegian fiddlers or have something soul foul and funky playing, there will be a Soul Train Line at some point.

I'm still squicked out on the whole idea of pregnancy, like this parasitic creature siphoning off me, the changes to my body, how disgusting the normal and natural act of childbirth is, that I don't want anyone who isn't being paid by my insurance plan going below or seeing anything below my waist. If I really don't want to see what's going on down there, no one who isn't a medical professional is going to be scoping it out either. My fellas were relieved when i said that, and there has been agreement that no one wants to spoil the magic so to speak. My own mother and I often clash, so I think if it wasn't my partner in the room, or there could be two people, it'd definitely be either/or my eldest sister (biological) or the youngest of my older sisters (step) since they've been through it and get me better than my mother does.

For now I'm just sticking to be the single mother of two very active 2 year old cats but I seriously plan to be a foster parent for LGBTQI kids once I get settled after my second Masters and have purchased a home.

[aephi alum]

There is no way in hell that I would want either of my husband's parents in the delivery room while giving birth. The only family I'd want there would be my husband and maybe my mother, and I'd want them up by the head of the bed, not standing around gawping while I popped out something the size of a watermelon. (Not that my mother hasn't seen childbirth - she is a doctor - but I wouldn't want her to watch ME giving birth.) And I wouldn't want anyone there who didn't have to be there. I wouldn't want every OB/GYN resident in the hospital standing there gawping either.

Not that it matters. Children are not in my future.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by VandalSquirrel

I don't want anyone who isn't being paid by my insurance plan going below or seeing anything below my waist. If I really don't want to see what's going on down there, no one who isn't a medical professional is going to be scoping it out either. My fellas were relieved when i said that, and there has been agreement that no one wants to spoil the magic so to speak. My own mother and I often clash, so I think if it wasn't my partner in the room, or there could be two people, it'd definitely be either/or my eldest sister (biological) or the youngest of my older sisters (step) since they've been through it and get me better than my mother does.

When my sister had my niece, it was just her and my mother in the room. She became single about halfway through her pregnancy, so a partner wasn't an option. It was always the plan for my mom to be there, but since her water broke on our way home from Christmas Eve dinner, we all got a little more involved with the whole experience. It was good birth control for a 15 year old.

Having seen how my mom acted with my sister (at one point telling her to suck it up and stop screaming), I know that when it's time for me to give birth, my mom is not the one. My mother's also of the school where husbands/fathers shouldn't be in the room, but I think that's an old school thing.

[BetteDavisEyes]

My mother said for me to call her when I go into labor and again when baby is born so she can go visit. She has never been in the delivery room for any of her grandkids and has no interest in being there. She's of the belief that it should be only mom, dad (or coach) and hospital staff.

My mil though is the kind to offer her unsolicited advice on EVERYTHING. She is not pleased with my decision to get an epidural. She firmly believes that any form of drugs are a bad decision on the part of the mother and that REAL women don't take the drugs and deal with the pain.
Everytime I see her I get a lecture on the dangers of pain meds for childbirth and how epidurals slow down labor etc.

[KSUViolet06]

My best advice (from a counseling perspective) is to set boundaries with the new baby as a couple and play on the same team.

The biggest problem I see is when MIL feels she can just "show up" to help with the baby uninvited. Then when you say "dude your mom can't come over everyday" instead of telling mom to respect the boundary, he jumps in to defend mom and gets offended. No boundaries are set and hubby has no balls and feels like he has to play on the same team as mom.

As long as you both are okay with setting boundaries with the parents, and no one gets all "don't you go telling my mom she can't come over everyday!" you'll be fine.

[AGDee]

My mom was there for the birth of hypoallergenic and I'm thrilled that she was. She had never seen or experienced it herself because when she had my brother and I, they basically knocked her out and she woke up after the fact. I was barely cognizant of who was there and who wasn't, honestly. My (now) ex was useless. He couldn't remember how to coach me or anything. I didn't really plan for my mom to be there, it just happened that way. I didn't know they'd allow her to stay. For my second, my dad and his wife were at the hospital but I pretty much asked them to leave the room when labor was getting bad. My mom was home watching hypoallergenic that time. Hypoallergenic and my mom share a middle name because she was there for the birth If it was a mother in law though, no way.

[KSUViolet06]

^^^I'm still on the fence about kids, but if I were to ever give birth you guys could add me to the No Mom in the Room group.

My mom is a former ER nurse. Every medical situation turns into her asking the doctors 50 million questions and "OMGWTFBBQ!!!! You're doing it wrong!!!" She would probably make the docs want to hand her the gloves, leave the room and tell HER to deliver the baby.

[christiangirl]

I am totally in that group. I don't want anyone there but my husband as we start our new family. a) Because my mother gets panicky and would drive me crazy and b) I don't deal with pain or annoyance well and would probably hurt some feelings. If I turn into a fire-breathing dragon, I want as few casualties as possible.

[IrishLake]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

^^^I'm still on the fence about kids, but if I were to ever give birth you guys could add me to the No Mom in the Room group.

My mom is a former ER nurse. Every medical situation turns into her asking the doctors 50 million questions and "OMGWTFBBQ!!!! You're doing it wrong!!!" She would probably make the docs want to hand her the gloves, leave the room and tell HER to deliver the baby.

Same, but my mom is a NICU respiratory therapist. She spazzed when I told her I had meconium (sp) in my "water" with my first. She was completely convinced they were going to let my baby aspirate it in.

For both of mine, it was just me and hub. With my first daughter, first grandkid, my FiL was in a hurry to get into the delivery room. He wanted to be the first to hold the first grandchild. Hub went out to tell them everything went fine, they could come in after a while, then turned around to come back into the room. I had just delivered the placenta, I was completely out of it, puking, dizzy, legs still splayed and getting stitched. I heard one of the nurses, who was cleaning my daughter up, say "UM, can I HELP you??" I look over my shoulder, and there was my FiL. He was like "Oh!! I thought it was ok if we came in now!" The one nurse damn near killed him, she said "You need to leave, NOW! OUT! A nurse will tell you when you can come in."

I laugh about it now, but was pretty pissed at the time.

[lovespink88]

NOOOOOOOO... I had a really long bitching post and it just deleted itself

Guess I'll start again.

My future MIL is a very nice lady. Very nice.

She is, however, a bit overbearing. She cannot rest until she has made extremely detailed plans of everything and has multiple back up emergency plans for everything. Hey, it's good to be prepared...but this is extreme.

I remember in college there were a few times where fiance had something he had to take care of/prepare for. She will often do research (UNSOLICITED RESEARCH) on whatever he needs to take care of/prepare for and call him to tell him all the steps he needs to take in order to get to point A to point B. Again, he never asked for her help, she just does it.

Last Thanksgiving, we started the day at my aunts house and finished at his aunts house. She printed us out directions with her own detailed notes that included his aunt & uncles first names (in case he forgot?????) and their phone numbers, in case we got lost.

When we took a trip together in the spring, she checked out 3 books from the library about the city to take with us and gave me a folder of stuff she printed out; our itineraries & hotel confirmation info.

She is also terrified of bad whether. One time during winter break in college it started snowing when I was at his house. She heard we were supposed to get a half a foot of snow, so she made me go home early. I live 4 miles away and it snowed 2 inches.

When I was visiting him back in September, there was a tropical storm heading our way (he lives in Louisiana for now). She called several times to make sure everything was ok. Obviously whether was bad in some parts but we were perfectly safe; no flooding in our area and it really was just rain...it didn't even thunderstorm! I remember the first time he answered the phone and she didn't even say hi, all I heard was "there's a tropical storm warning and flash flood warning!!!" As if we weren't paying attention to the weather and didn't know what to do if things got ugly.

So anyways...fiance will be in town tomorrow (woo hoo!) for a friend's wedding. I offered to pick him up about 2 weeks ago, but we didn't confirm it. I got an IM from FMIL about a half hour ago saying that she hasnt been able to get a hold of fiance (which is no surprise, he is NOT good at remembering to look at his cell phone), and to please call her cause she had questions about this weekend. I kid you not, our phone call included all of the following:

What time is is flight? What airline? Are you going to pick him up? You mentioned you were going to, but I just wanted to confirm. We can pick him up, it's no problem, but I just wanted to be sure. Are you bringing him here or will you be both getting ready at your house? What time is the wedding and reception? Did you book a hotel? He mentioned you guys were planning on it but I didn't know if you had done that yet. What time is his flight back? I know there's a really late flight, is that the one? I just wanted to confirm because he's not answering his phone. Don't worry, I also sent him an email this morning reminding him to check into his flight and to make sure he packs everything he needs like his suit, a tie, shoes, etc. Oh and I reminded him that he needs to make arrangements for how to get to the airport.

YOUR SON IS 23 YEARS OLD. He is a big boy now. He can figure out how to prepare for a trip. I get the whole what time is he coming in thing. I totally understand what time they should expect him to be there. That's normal and fair. But do you really need to know all of the details of the wedding RIGHT NOW. Do you really need to know if we are staying at a hotel RIGHT NOW. Don't you think these things will be mentioned to you when he sees you in the morning. Do you really need to know his departing flight RIGHT NOW. TAKE A BREATH, LADY.

I don't know, maybe I'm over reacting, but I am feeling slightly suffocated by this. Fiance has learned to tune it out after all these years, lol For him, it's gotten to be just a "smile and nod" kind of thing and it doesn't seem to bother him. But it's making me anxious. I'm frankly a little insulted at some of her questions about our plans for the weekend. They're OUR plans. You don't think I realized I needed to book a hotel room in advance?

I just I can't imagine my mom sending me an email reminding me of what I need to pack and telling me I have to arrange airport transportation. Again, I'd be insulted if my mom didn't think I could handle that, lol

I suppose this could be a million times worse, but I really will need to work on my patience...

[AGDee]

You might have to find a polite way to nip this in the bud now. I can't imagine what that will begin to look like when you have children. He should probably have a conversation with her that starts something like this:

Son: Mom, I know that you worry about whether we've got all the details handled but you need to trust that you've raised me well enough to manage these things on my own.

And then, if she still calls you with things like that, you need to just repeat: "We have everything under control" and just give her the basics, like what time he is expected.

That said, when my kids are packing for something, like Boy Scouts or my daughter's trip to NYC, I start running down the "did you pack?" list. They both chide me for it because they've both packed a million times. In fact, when hypoallergenic was packing for her NYC trip, she said "I packed for Europe, remember?" LOL. I laugh and tell them "I know, but it's a mom thing and I can't help it, you have your inhaler, right?" That's as far as I go though, and I hope I don't still do that when they're adults. (Ok, maybe I will when she's packing for college in another state).

[ellebud]

So the fact that my friend did somewhat the same thing....the did you take?...and was not so politely informed that they knew what they were doing?.....Until the first time this very grown up couple went away (sans mom's checklist) and she forgot the vouchers for sightseeing (not reprintable) and he forgot underwear.....Think of her as a personal assistant. People pay big bucks for one.

[carnation]

One of my girls is now dealing with a future MIL who keeps questioning every detail of the wedding as if she were some hotshot planner or rich socialite...hello? Her oldest daughter got married in some tacky hurry-up ceremony in the living room. I told my daughter to stand strong--she's getting married in a gorgeous old church and it'll be beautiful with her jewel-colors theme that matches the stained glass windows.

[ellebud]

Originally Posted by carnation

One of my girls is now dealing with a future MIL who keeps questioning every detail of the wedding as if she were some hotshot planner or rich socialite...hello? Her oldest daughter got married in some tacky hurry-up ceremony in the living room. I told my daughter to stand strong--she's getting married in a gorgeous old church and it'll be beautiful with her jewel-colors theme that matches the stained glass windows.

That sounds gorgeous!